@Himom Not every troop is for every child. As I said in my previous post, the OP may want to consider scouts once her son’s anxiety decreases and he is able to tolerate social activities with decreased acting out. He is not there yet , and to consider it right now may set him up for more frustration and anxiety.
If he were to join scouting in Cub Scouts( elementary school ) is required . As he gets older , the parental involvement can decrease of the child can tolerate it. It will also be important to visit several troops to observe the interactions between members and leadership. There are many different focuses a troop can take, so it’s important to find one that is structured and nurturing for a child like your son. A smaller troop may be a better fit. You will also need to find a troop that encourage female involvement as your husband most likely will not be as involved as you are . But most importantly it is important to find a troop that is sensitive to the needs of a child on the spectrum and their needs. Many troops are not and inappropriately view the child as being difficult and disruptive. If at some point you feel that scouting may be something that your son would benefit from, I suggest that you contact your local council to ask if they could recommend some troops to visit. They know the leadership in the troops and
may be able to steer you in the right direction. Hopefully with some of the recent changes you’ve made in his care, you’ll see some positive changes , and this may be a option in the future.
This Scouts digression: when my kids were in elementary school, me and a few moms started a Cub Scout troop. It was a huge huge success, who knew there was such a pent up demand for scouting at that school. But there were a few moms with difficult kids who saw Scouts as a place to put their difficult kids while they took a break. We struggled with what to do. We were sympathetic to the moms who wanted a little time off, to the boys who needed examples of good behavior and this activity, but we didn’t have enough people to put an adult on each of these kids, which is what we needed to do. (These kids would roam or become destructive if not watched.)
Our solution, though imperfect, was 1) to keep everyone busy all the time; we over structured the actives, and 2) to split into two troops to keep the parent/child ratio down.
I hadn’t thought about that troop in years! My co leader was a woman with two very difficult kids herself who was incredibly gifted at raising boys. One son was gruff and rather aspie, the other was ADHD. Mom had grown up on a farm. Her way of handling young boys was to keep them outside and active. There was a lot of tree climbing, tadpole catching, skateboarding. She had a high tolerance for dirt and for risk taking.
I’m impressed with what he said about buildings, though. Not many 7 year olds would think along those lines.
I admit I would be angry that he threw water on a kid, and my inclination would probably be to punish my child. That’s one of the “buttons” I have, when they want to throw sand or hit or otherwise be agressive with another kid. I’m not saying I’m right (or wrong), it’s just how I would react emotionally.
This child was not just being mean. He has processing limitations which significantly affect his social interactions. It’s easy to get frustrated , but the way to discipline this type of child is different than a typical 7 year old.
Turned out the water mishap was a genuine accident. He picked up his neighbor’s water bottle to look through the bottom and pushed a button which released the water which spouted on his neighbor. He was very apologetic about it. The girl was all hugs at dismissal yesterday. I dropped by the school late this morning for a surprise visit just to check in and he was in the main office… as a reward (!) for complying with all of his work this morning. (They have a ‘time in’ lego table to reward good behavior.)
So it was nice to have some good news but I’m not resting! We are going to really dig into conversation/social skills training and are in the process of getting him signed up for a weekly group therapy class at NYU.
This morning he was chattering all about using magnets to propel cars; he is constantly thinking about ways to eliminate pollution (especially combustion exhaust). For someone who loves to play with ideas, I feel like he needs to be much more comfortable listening to other’s perspective. He gets very fixated about his initial ideas. Has a hard time playing jazz with ideas. On it.
So my mothering priorities with this child, in order of importance, are:
Basics (hugs, enough sleep, nutritious food (he's a vegetarian owing to ethical considerations for animals), more hugs, fresh air and nature, fun breaks like Maker Faire and pumpkin picking. EXTRA HUGS.)
School behavior (basics of classroom behavior/focus/attention, respecting his teachers, do work asked of him without fussing, get along with other kids at recess)
School curriculum (support him keeping up with the academics via homework, etc. Was going to hire a tutor but am going to take this on myself, adjust work hours)
CBT (support school behavior - working on strategies his therapist teaches him to mitigate anxiety)
Social skills training (support behavior - setting this up now, formally)
Music (voice and piano - weekly lessons, practice 3x week for 20 mins or so, occasional recital).
Try Something New (this month we're trying a CTY online class - a reading class about robots).
Playtime (hang out with brother, reading books, legos, thinker linkers, magnatiles, playing with a hose on the deck, etc.)
Since you asked, and I just read this whole thread (and I too am impressed with all that you are already doing with and for your son and your family), I think you should try swimming/swim lessons. Water can be relaxing and embraces your whole body. If he loves it, it is a good life sport. It can be done with others but is also done alone.
I’m so impressed with everything you’re doing, Aspieration; I’m sorry only that you don’t have your husband’s full support. As ill-fated as my marriage turned out to be in the end, the one thing I have to say is that my ex and I were almost always on the same page with respect to our son, and what was best for him, even after we separated when he was 10.
I do hope that your other son understands that his brother has special needs, and that he doesn’t feel neglected.
Sounds like you’ve got things covered with your son. Now just remember to take time for yourself to recharge for the daily struggles. Group social skills classes/activities were great for my son - good luck!
Thanks for the great feedback. Going to go pick up the little dude in just a few minutes with a heart full of courage and hope. Your support means a lot to me.
Such a relief that the water incident was an accident. It can be so easy to go to the negative assumptions when our kids are challenging.
There is reason to hope.
When D was in 6th grade a mom I didn’t know came up to me in the parking lot. “Are you D’s mom?” (Uh oh, what did she do?) “Yes.” “Your daughter is so sweet.” (Trying to suppress the confused, surprised look.) “She was my son’s reading buddy when he was in 1st grade. He was so scared about riding the bus to the new school this year, and she sits with him every day.” Three years after she read to him, my D who couldn’t tell me the names of most of her classmates recognized him and helped him. When I told her about what the mom told me, D matter of factly said that she saw that he was scared, so of course she had him sit with her. I realized that while she was still pretty inept socially with her peers, she was very good with younger children. She had come so far.
@mathmom and others who recommended ‘Raising Your Spirited Child’ - thank you! I’ve only read the first two chapters so far but I’ve used the book already. Tonight when S1 was getting upset about music note flashcards I calmly said, “You really care about getting it right. That’s great.” He looked at me like I had four head for a moment. I won’t say it was an easy practice but did we get through all the cards? We did.
My husband is reading it as I type. We’re going to read it together and discuss it.
And in the times when various support activities aren’t happening: Down Time! A brilliant little one with an intellectual mission needs time to work things out in his mind in peace. And you need time to go to shopping, sit at a cafe, read a novel or whatever it is that YOU find pleasurable.
It really sounds like you are all heart! I really feel for you. Some ideas are to reduce the volume of homework (make an agreement with the school), and to physically cut worksheets (e.g. math) into single problems. Then use a kitchen timer to focus on a single problem. This may reduce overwhelm and make the work more fun.
I would echo that as frustrating as it is now, he will likely “turn out all right”! He may really keep you on your toes in the meantime.
I really like Dr. Sears’ “The ADD Book.” While not trying to diagnose ADD for anyone, I found that the kind of systematic consistency that is valuable for working with ADD has lots of crossover to ASD. I also like Lucy Jo Pallidino’s “The Edison Trait.”
I really want to give you some kind of assurance. Trust your sons. Let go of control and “doing”. “Be” more.
