Parenting Secrets of a College Professor

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Thanks for posting the link about her other article. Ugh. My gosh, so many of us don’t even write <em>anonymously</em> about our kids on this forum, about boring stuff like school performance!</p>

<p>Putting my opinion of the author aside, I do agree with the general advice for parents to hold our emotions in check to step back and give our kids the growth that comes with independence. It is <em>very</em> easy for us to rationalize that we are helping and not hurting our kids…but it just so happens to be really enjoyable for us parents to involve ourselves so I think we aren’t appreciating the downsides. We are way too biased. </p>

<p>I also think many parents today are not doing that…and yes like the author I ask my undergrads questions all the time like this (because I learn a lot about my kids’ generation this way). Most can tell me about how often they talk to their parents (which is a LOT and so not like my generation) and most are actually following paths chosen by their parents and not by them (which really concerns me a lot). But much of this is a cultural background issue, and that is another thread.</p>

<p>But I also think this particular author is more than a bit wacky, on many levels. Or comes across that way even if she isn’t. I’m not convinced she’s honest with her readers…she might just be going for attention through controversy. </p>

<p>Or perhaps more importantly, she is not even honest with herself as the essay about college was so full of contradictions. Maybe the article wasn’t really directed at and judging other parents so much as it was really directed at and judging her own inner voice? Either way she would have been so much more persuasive if she left out the discussion of HER parenting and HER children. </p>

<p>I know if my kids were on my campus I could easily not see them the entire time and they would have just as much independence as being thousands of miles away. But there is no question in my mind that it is psychologically easier knowing you have the potential to see them even if you do not see them. We gain tremendous psychological value from promixity, and will even pay a premium for it despite not necessarily utilizing that potential. NYers, for example, love knowing they could go to Broadway even if they seldom go…same with those that own pools or vacation homes. I lived once close to my parents and never saw them…yet long to be that close again. </p>

<p>Hmmm… I just realized that, in a paradoxical way, my child might gain more independence (vis a vis less of my hovering because I know she’s close by) than if she were on my campus than far away (where because of the distance I might feel more of a need to involve myself virtually). Time will tell I guess.</p>

42

<p>To go back to the point of the originally-cited article by the Drexel professor, it’s obvious the instances the author is citing – the mom wanting the cell phone photo of son in library with today’s newspaper, the mom getting syllabuses for child’s classes, etc. – are NOT the norm. </p>

<p>The author recounts these stories as attention-getters and as contrasts to the perfect way she “hands-off” parents her children who attend the same small college at which she works. We parents of kids who attend college thousands of miles away should take note. Following your kids on Twitter is OK, quizzing and instructing them on best sexual practices and positions is OK. Talking to them on the phone on a regular basis is not.</p>

<p>But what’s MOST important is getting something published.</p>

43

<p>

</p>

<p>Ha! That is spot on!</p>

<p>Methinks Kathleen has no sense o personal boundaries. Her FB page is wide open…and there you can see her food, her xmas trees, her kitchen, and of course, her daughter and boyfriend. </p>

<p>She’s of course friends on FB with her daughters, but at least one of them has the good sense to use privacy settings!</p>

44

<p>

Maybe she saw how much money and publicity Amy Chua received for her book, articles and appearances and wanted to get her some!</p>

45

<p>I’m not even going to get into that other article, only say that someday, when her kids are older and have kids of their own, and they realize? she is really going to wish she hadn’t done that.</p>

<p>Here is the thing, if your kid is in the same town, you know that if there is a “need” of you, you will be able to meet that need. A heartbreak, an illness, a visit to the emergency room.</p>

<p>Those of us with kids plane rides away, or long car rides, or whatnot, have gotten calls from emergency rooms, from sick kids, from heartbroken kids, from kids who are failing classes for the first time, from homesick kids who just want to come home for a couple of days, or whatnot, and all we have to offer is a phone call, a text, an email.</p>

<p>That is all we have.</p>

<p>We’ve had kids stuck in natural disasters very far from home, too far to get to, for sure, and all manner of things happen over the course of time.</p>

<p>Kids used to be apprenticed off to work at the age of 8 or 12, and their parents had to “let them go,” does that mean WE should? How is this any different? How many of our kids would be halfway across the country, or on the other side of the country, if not for this technology? A lot less, anyway.</p>

46

<p>Looking at the comments in the “other” article, someone asked if the mom asked her daughter for permission. Lisa Belkin replied that the mom had, and that Belkin herself had received written permission from the daugher and her boyfriend that it was OK to publish the article on “Motherlode”. Me, I’m like other posters here–careful to protect my children’s privacy about far more mundane matters. I suppose that makes me a reactionary helicopter parent. ;)</p>

<p>Dunno if the mom also got permission from the best friend. </p>

<p>Also from the comments, one poster asked</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>LOL!</p>

47

<p>Yeah, I can’t think of more extreme helicopter parenting than someone who worries that her kid can’t figure out on her own how oral sex should be performed. </p>

<p>That’s a parenting secret that college professor should have kept secret.</p>

48

<p>I was surprised at how supportive so many comments were about this mom and her sex ed approach. And here I thought I was so hip and liberal! Apparently not.</p>

<p>I am all for being open minded about sex and treating the topic as normal and healthy with your kids, but shared personal details and technique instruction!? Um, no. We kids back in our day enjoyed figuring that part out okay ourselves, thank you very much! </p>

<p>And it just seems wayyy wrong to me. Anyone who thinks it’s a good idea… I gotta say we must just draw very different lines about where the ‘ewwww’ factor kicks in. Surely even this women would have some kind of boundaries, no? Or else why stop at verbal discussions in the diner, why not visual demonstrations? Why not? Probably it would be for the same reason I find her discussions seriously messed up.</p>

49

<p>Nevermind.</p>

50

<p>The article on post #12 was disturbing to say the least</p>

51

<p>Yeah, easy to say when your children are both within arm’s reach? </p>

<p>

Umn, what?</p>

52

<p>“The vast majority of my students talk to their parents three times a day or more” - That’s interesting. DS 2000 miles away seem to find weekly call burdesome, and there are no emails or texts in between the calls. Well, none coming in my direction :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I am stunned that the author’s D didn’t mind all the press about their personal conversations. My kids don’t even like my anonymous and non-personal cc postings.</p>

53

<p>I cannot believe that this woman posted such personal information about her daughter and friends. I also agree with the comments here about her judgmental article about over-the-top parents. </p>

<p>I never thought of myself as a prude, but I can’t imagine having the deli conversation she described with anyone, let alone a parent or child. Am I unusual?</p>

54

<p>I agree. To me there are certain unspoken private moments between a man and a woman that should remain that way.</p>

<p>I have had frank discussions with my D’s about sex in general–but more in terms of getting involved in a sexual relationship or not and virginity, etc.</p>

<p>Not only do I not want to discuss details of what they do and how they do it, my D’s don’t want to discuss details when it either and they definitely don’t want to know details about what l have done!</p>

55

<p>NY - You may not be unusual. I actually didn’t even finish the sex article. To me, it didn’t seem appropriate for publishing, especially with real names.</p>

56

<p>One of my parenting beliefs that I find tried and true is giving our kids what THEY need, responding to their questions…if one’s teenage daughter really asked specific questions about sexual acts, I suppose I’d try to respond in a helpful manner. </p>

<p>But to ask the teen to share what sexual behavior they engage in is inappropriate. Would she think it was appropriate for the d’s father to ask those same questions, her professor, her doctor?? I doubt it. Seen in that light it would be even more creepy. It is also imho a poor model of what intimacy is, closeness and shared experiences between intimate partners. not to be shared with one’s parent, and certainly not on a blog. while the 17 yr old and her bf may have given permission to do so I don’t think the power balance is on an even keel. They may both have felt they wanted to please the mother and permit her to do her thing on the blog, not fully recognizing how it could affect them now and later.</p>

57

<p>I know I can be a little judgmental, but this whole thing seems very trashy to me.</p>

58

<p>I don’t believe that you are being too judgmental in this case. My kids would kill me if I wrote in public about their intimate moments. Not that I’d discuss it with them in the first place. Some things are just meant to be private.</p>

59

<p>I can’t stand anything in the better-parent-than-thou genre. Sure, her kids get on fine without her close involvement; they’d probably get on fine with it as well. </p>

<p>How does she know the young man in the show-me-a-picture-to-prove-you’re-not-hungover isn’t a kid with a history of a serious alcohol problem, whose mother has been frantically worrying about the possibility that he’ll relapse? Maybe he’s just back to school after some time off for rehab after things went horribly wrong while she was trying a “hands-off” approach.</p>

<p>How does she know the mom asking for syllabi isn’t doing so because she’s learned the hard way that her child needs this support because of his or her well-established challenges? Perhaps she is doing this so that she can serve as her child’s remote “executive function coach.” Will he or she always need this support? Well, yeah, maybe, but the kid with the leg braces is probably always going to need those, too.</p>

<p>Even if her kids were at school on the moon, I’d still take issue at her judging of other parents.</p>

60

<p>I don’t think it is a good idea for a parent to be that involved in his/her child’s intimate relationships. Wow, talk about not being able to let go. And then to publish such a conversation? Good grief. It is not her story to tell, IMO. Are the kids really cool with that? Such behavior does not seem very adult-like to me. Glad so many posters seem to feel the same way.</p>