Parents affecting the child's college choice

Parents Forum
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<p>The problem with “forcing” a child into a school of the parent’s choice is that if said child is unhappy for any reason at the target school, the parents risk being blamed for that unhappiness (and for any career failings which can be blamed on being forced into said school) in-perpetuity. On the other hand, if the parents lay out the parameters of their support for a college education, say, suggesting those schools which the parents can afford (or where the chances are high for good financial aid) then they would be within their rights to suggest schools that fit those conditions, but not “force” them on the child. </p>

<p>The only schools a child should be “forced” to apply to are a few safety schools in case the preferred schools don’t pan out, but ideally this should be handled by the guidance counselor, not the parents.</p>

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<p>Since pre-meds can do almost any major at a bachelor’s degree granting school that has the pre-med courses available, that does not seem to be much of a restriction.</p>

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<p>A friend of mine forced her daughter to attend CC when she found out that daughter was only interested in partying at preferred university. Parents weren’t go to shell out meager resources so that their daughter could party for 4 years. I thought that was a great idea.</p>

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<p>I hope your friend’s daughter did not party for four years at the CC.</p>

<p>Both of my kids came up with a list aided by the college counselors at school and us. For both kids, there was a school that was not on their lists that I suggested they put in an application, and I told them why I thought the two schools were worth applying to. They applied, were accepted, and selected the school I asked them to apply to. Both had multiple choices for schools in the end and made their own decisions. Neither of them would have applied to either school had I not suggested it.</p>

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<p>My parents will let me choose the college I go to, but not the continent it’s in :(</p>

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<p>Maybe we should try to treat them about college selection the way we would want them to treat us about nursing home selection.</p>

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<p>^ “Sorry, Dad, I know you want to go to Rest Haven Home, with the real cute CNAs, but Joanie and I think you’ll be better off at Peaceful Acres. You’ll get used to the 50-something battle axes. Trust us, we have your best interests at heart.”</p>

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<p>AFAIK the government doesn’t expect kids to pay for their parents’ nursing home expenses…</p>

<p>We didn’t “dictate” with the oldest and will not with his S, but I go by “If we pay then we have a say”.</p>

<p>What concerns me more are the parents who dictate what kids should major in.</p>

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<p>I don’t think a parent has a right to put arbitrary criteria on a child and use money as a weapon. A parent certainly does have the power to do so.</p>

<p>I don’t consider financial issues, health issues or a true lack of maturity to be arbitrary factors, and in those cases a parent is probably obligated to weigh in.</p>

<p>But issues of major, distance away, prestige of the name, or any such factors should not be under the parents’ control IMO. I think kids have a better handle on their own destinies than their parents. S chose Williams when I would have chosen Brown for him, not because of the Ivy name, but because his ADD made the Pass/No Credit option very attractive to me. He thought he would not learn enough discipline. He made his own decision and it worked out half as I thought it would (he ran into some trouble), and half as he thought he would (he was inspired, found a new career direction, and did finally learn to manage his life much better.)</p>

<p>DD wanted desperately to attend school in NYC. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but it was right for her.</p>

<p>We did get FA from all schools applied to but state financial safety. I didn’t insist on the best package, just one we could manage. Each child had a financially better option, and since it of U of Chicago for DS, it was hard to let go of, the the two thousand dollar difference between them wasn’t enough for me to insist he give up Williams. Ten thousand probably would have been another story, but we didn’t face that.</p>

<p>They are living their own lives, not our dreams. if we have the resources and desire to support them through it, why should be stipulate the shape of those dreams?</p>

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<p>I think by the time a child is ready to choose a college the critical period for parental imput has passed. If he or she is not able to make self-aware and prudent choices by then, “which college?” is not the biggest concern. I would also think that how much “advise and consent” occurs between parent and child has been established by 17 or 18, and trying to change the dynamic at that point would be difficult and unfair.</p>

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<p>I’m very grateful that my parents let me go through the college search/application process almost on my own. They gave me a price limit so I would know what cost I needed to stay under, but other than that, I chose which schools to apply to. Of course, I would say “Oh, what do you think of (insert school here)?” and “Here’s some reasons as to why I like it, what are your thoughts?” Because I value their opinions, not because they were forcing them on me.</p>

<p>I was very lucky - I found a school that fit every single one of my criteria and my parents’ criteria. When we visited, we ALL fell in love with it. I’m also very lucky to have received a merit scholarship that made it the most affordable school I applied to. It makes me a lot more comfortable knowing that my parents agree with my choice.</p>

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<p>DD will be applying the next year but in selecting her preliminary list, we have followed the ‘veto rule’. Mom and Dad can veto a college if they think they cannot afford it or belive it to be a poor choice career-wise. DD can veto a college if she does not like it for whatever reason. In this manner, we vetoed NYU (‘not affordable’), and DD vetoed Stony Brook (‘commuter school’)</p>

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<p>This isn’t about parental rights, it’s about maintaining family happiness, and a lot of factors go into that: financial, emotional, spiritual, academic, personality of the child, etc. Our discussions about these things began long before DD started looking at colleges, so now she has a pretty good idea of the type of environment she wants to be in.</p>

<p>Because of her history of depression, emotional intensity and need for a less structured environment, we’ve steered her towards LACs and away from schools that seemed like pressure cookers. However, she was the one driving the search. We just came up with places that seemed like a good fit and made suggestions.</p>

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<p>No, but there are families where the kids are paying for their parents’ nursing home expenses, or at least supplementing other sources of income. Friends of ours are doing just that, which allows Mom to be in a nice, nearby, private facility, rather than in the county home, which is 30+ miles away (and pretty much of a dump).</p>

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DougBetsy, if you were to start a thread with her “scorecard” template, it might be a great help to a lot of us!! :)</p>

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<p>It amazes me how some people here can be so utterly apathetic to the situations of anyone but their selves.</p>

<p>“It’s the parents money - they can force whatever they want on their children, whether it is a good idea or not.”</p>

<p>“It’s the parents own opinion on the ‘right’ colleges - they can choose whether they want to sign the FAFSA or not.”</p>

<p>Hey, no one on this Earth <em>forced</em> you to make the choice to have children. But now that you have them, you created for yourself a responsibility. Sorry, I know this might go against a lot of your political / religious views of “no one ever deserves anything from anyone else - let the weak / unlucky suffer or die and let the strong / lucky flourish.” Or maybe you <em>still</em> have not grown up, and believe you personally do not have to deal with the consequences of your decisions. But just because you individually lack any sense of morality and/or responsibility for your decisions does not mean morality and/or that responsibility does not exist.</p>

<p>When you became parents, you immediately accepted the moral responsibility to help your children become successfully independent and capable of pursuing their own paths in life. Just because the government tells you that higher education is not a legal right, that does not eliminate your moral responsibility to <em>try</em> (yes, some do not have the financial means to help their children at all) to send your children to college. This is the system, where college is required in order to even have a small chance to live decently and/or successfully pursue one’s goals, that you, as adults, have created and/or perpetuated in your lifetime.</p>

<p>Maybe college should just be a luxury that some might want and some might not, but regardless if that is or is not how it should be, that is not how it actually is in reality. College is just as fundamental now as an elementary / high school education, so you can’t cop-out of your moral responsibility on the basis the government does not legally require you to send your child(s) to college. It is not a “favor” that you are or are not doing for them.</p>

<p>Just because you are doing your <em>moral duty,</em> does not give you the right to demand control of your adult child’s paths in life (and one such path is college). If you were doing them a financial <em>favor,</em> paying for something that was not their right, you would have control. But you’re not - you’re doing your <em>duty,</em> the duty that <em>you</em> created voluntarily, in the case of college. You should have got a dog if you wanted to control a creature instead of raising and supporting a human being. Sure, there are always individual considerations to take into account, such as, if someone barely passed high school and is showing no sign of increasing responsibility, yet still wants to go to an expensive school immediately. </p>

<p>But if the child has earned college, you have the moral responsibility to tell him/her how much you are going to contribute (which should be a fair amount, fair as in fair compared to your financial circumstances), perhaps extra based on performance, whatever. Then he/she has the responsibility to hear out all your opinions. Then he/she has the right to decide where to go based on all that information.</p>

<p>Obviously, this will still likely end up with cost limitations unless the contribution amount is already high enough. But other than that, the students should have complete control of their own life and college decisions. But I guess with some people, not even their own children can wake their conscience.</p>

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Who are you quoting here?</p>

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<p>If our kids partied away their time at school or made poor choices we would not “force” them to do anything but they would NEED to figure out how to pay for the part of their schooling that we are paying for. The decision is 100% up to them and THEIR responsibility to figure out…yes, our assistance comes with strings, mainly to get good grades and not be stupid while still having fun :D.</p>

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CC is the funniest place. I get a great laugh here every day.</p>

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<p>I am not quoting any individual - I have seen the argument given many times in past threads, and if you look, has already been given in this thread. I was summarizing the same argument given by many (though not all, and I am not claiming the majority either) parent individuals on CC that keep promoting those exact arguments I stated: that financially contributing (if they can afford to do so) to their children’s education is somehow a “favor” and therefore gives them the right to control their child’s choices/direction. And I have even seen some also argue the same of signing the FAFSA - that since signing the FAFSA is not a legal requirement, even doing that is a “favor” for the child - and once again gives parents the right to control their child’s choices/life direction, even if they don’t personally contribute one cent.</p>

<p>And yes, I was on the receiving end of this argument. In fact, my choices were not just narrowed/limited - I was given the choice of going to ONE college or they would not sign the FAFSA to go to college at all. At the time I did not care and mistakenly thought all colleges were generally the same - I just wanted to excel wherever I went. Once I realized in the middle of my second semester that the school was not anything like I thought it was, and it was not in any way compatible with anything about myself or my short-term and long-term goals, I was told it was my current college or nothing. Now I have five years of nothing but misery behind me and despite working extremely hard, I am no closer to ANY of my goals than I was five years ago.</p>

<p>noimagination:
You don’t have to be around CC to figure that out. Expenses add up quick…safe/clean/healthy shelter, full healthcare, healthy food, transportation, utilities…and as the expenses add up, the jobs with the necessary salaries that only require a high school diploma disappears fast. I am assuming you’re a parent - so I don’t see how you could think otherwise, as you’ve long seen the costs for these things.</p>