<p>The OP has left the house…</p>
<p>I had this argument with my parents and I’m still bitter about it.</p>
<p>My parents wouldn’t pay for me to attend a top 5 East Coast private school because of “finances”. They actually just hated the school and weather, even though they never visited. My dad makes $200k+/year. </p>
<h1>firstworldproblems</h1>
<p>^ And that is the argument I was waiting for. Your parents are willing to give you a college education, just not a $200,000 one. And that is fair. What is not fair is not telling you up front that they wouldn’t pay for the school or for not telling you what they would pay before you started applying to schools.</p>
<p>I’m not sure there is a set line about what is fair or not fair. I know that it is painful to feel a parent is withholding for capricious reasons.</p>
<p>And it doesn’t seem fair to a young person if they experience other parents as more giving as generous.</p>
<p>I think there is a continuum of parents who want to keep most of their assets and resources for themselves all the way to parents who reserve very little for themselves. This includes both financial and emotional resources. Even though we may understand adults who are on the more self-centered end of the spectrum and understand they have reasons for their decisions, I don’t think it’s especially fun to be the child of these folks.</p>
<p>If the parents are providing a college education, than yes, they are basically discharging their responsibility. However, a child can still mourn their position.</p>
<p>I <em>do</em> think the older generation is here to launch the next. Of course, that does not mean having to fund every capricious whim. It’s a continual balancing act that every set of parents (or parent in the case of single parents) resolves differently. And of course, we would all like to be on receiving end of greater generosity.</p>
<p>I remember reading an article about two immigrants who each worked two fairly menial jobs to send all five of their kids to Harvard. Yes, Harvard gave great FA, but they did contribute, and also provided all the music lessons, etc, etc. to prepare the kids to enter the middle class. All five kids were amazing success stories. Two were doctors. One went into business. I can’t remember the professions of the other two. The kids did provide for their parents and eventually got them out of their trailer.</p>
<p>This is an extreme example, of course, but many days when I felt I struggled and denied myself a vacation or something else like that to provide for my kids, I thought of them.</p>
<p>I could not be happy if my kids were not well launched. They did earn all their own spending money at college and each was able to provide themselves with their own books. Each is working hard to establish him/herself in the society in a way they can sustain. I couldn’t ask for more than that.</p>
<p>I have several single girl friends who think I am too self-sacrificing, but for me, that is the gig – have children, do everything I can to provide for them.</p>
<p>Now all kids are different. Many can thrive at the college that gives them the best merit, or the local state u. Some can’t because of emotional issues, need of a particular major, inability to learn in large classes – whatever.</p>
<p>I was very lucky in that both kids were accepted into schools that did not gap and we got great FA that made the privates they attended only slightly more than the local state u. Had that not been the case, I would have found another way to get them what they needed. It was my pleasure.</p>
<p>And no, a parent isn’t obligated to go out on a limb to fund a college education, but when money is not really an issue and parents just don’t like or support the idea of going back East, for example, I do think those parents are withholding. JMO.</p>
<p>GoalsOriented:</p>
<p>The amount we’ll end up paying for D’s college, when all is said and done, will be mostly my entire take-home pay for four years. That’s four years of my life. So yes, I do think I have some say in where she goes. I need to be happy with it in order to be happy in my life and to feel that my work is meaningful instead of wasted. There are some colleges I would not pay for because I think they are overpriced and underperforming. I refuse to exchange four years of my working life to pay for them even if my D really, really wanted to go. In your book, that makes me a bad parent. So be it. Fortunately, she chose a school that we all like.</p>
<p>When it’s your money and your sweat, you will feel differently. Believe me.</p>
<p>It’s interesting, because I had pretty much the opposite problem of most people on this site. I was torn between a free in-state school and a couple of small LAC’s. In my case, it was my folks pressuring me to go to a more-expensive LAC. I had a hard time thinking of both them and me (through loans obviously) shelling out so much money when the top in-state school in my field offered me a full ride on merit (especially when I could see myself being happy with either option).</p>
<p>Things heated up when my boyfriend at the time changed his mind at the last minute due to financial issues with his top-choice school, and ended up at the same state school I was thinking about (he was a year older than me, and I don’t believe he knew that I was considering it - it just happens to be the most competitive of the in-state schools by a fair margin in the non-engineering sciences).</p>
<p>Well, then my folks went from “really not a fan” to “big fat VETO.” They couldn’t really threaten to withhold funds, due to the free ride, and the fact that I’d earned enough in high school to survive on that with a little work-study. But they sure leaned hard.</p>
<p>In the end, I had arranged to visit both places, and the LAC was the hands-down winner for me, so the argument was settled without a final showdown. Even so, it was one of the bigger arguments I had with my folks, and one none of us would ever like to repeat.</p>
<p>Don’t make college decisions harder than they already are. If you have financial limitations, lay them out early. But at the end of the day, your kids are going to go with their gut anyway, so you can save your family a lot of heartache by letting that play out.</p>
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<p>Agreed. One former supervisor and friend had a colleague with a wealthy father who insisted his son attend Princeton and only Princeton on the pain of being disinherited and cut-off from the family. Even the other HYSMC schools weren’t good enough for this father. </p>
<p>While he did comply and did all he could to seem like the obedient son, once he got his degree, established in a career, and inheritance in the form of a huge trust, the son refused to have anything further to do with the father due to his high-handed manner. </p>
<p>That son would probably be in his mid-late '60s now.</p>
<p>In our house, as our S, a rising HS junior, has built his college list, my W and I have tried to apply a soft veto to a few choices because we felt they would be inappropriate for him for one reason or another. However, one such school he is adamant about applying to, and there shouldn’t be a financial problem, so we have ceased pressuring him to excise it from his list. We think we should bring our knowledge and life experience to bear to guide him away from poor choices, but if he feels very strongly about a school, it may be that he knows something about himself that we don’t, and we back off. On the other hand, when my W or I suggest schools that he does not care for, he never even considers putting them on his list.</p>
<p>We didn’t “force” our D to go anywhere - I certainly don’t want to be blamed if she’s not happy with her college - but I didn’t hesitate to point out the advantages of the schools I thought were better fits and the disadvantages of the schools I wasn’t as crazy about. (I did find and mention some advantages for the schools that weren’t my favorites, but it was a shorter list). My D ultimately chose the school I thought was the best fit for her, but I’ll never know if she chose it because I liked it, in spite of the fact that I liked it, or neither. Fortunately, my D didn’t consider any schools H and I thought were completely inappropriate for her. Had she wanted to apply to a school we were dead set against (and she wasn’t able to convince us otherwise), we might have refused to pay for it, and I think that’s OK and quite different from choosing one or two schools and telling a child we’ll only pay for those schools and nothing else.</p>
<p>Definitely don’t be a parent that asks one of these questions on a college tour: </p>
<p>[Northwestern</a> Tour Guide Video - YouTube](<a href=“- YouTube”>- YouTube)</p>
<p>DON’T be this parent:</p>
<p>[Northwestern</a> Tour Guide Video - YouTube](<a href=“- YouTube”>- YouTube)</p>
<p>When our hard-working 3.7 gpa kid became a 3.2 gpa slacker his junior year, we changed what we were willing to pay for. We changed it again when he got all Cs his senior year. There is no way I am paying $50k/year for a kid who does not study, does not do his work, and has only a mild interest in learning anything other than game cheats and reddit posts.</p>
<p>He will be going to a local CC next year.</p>
<p>Student must make his or her own college choice decisions because the college choice will greatly affect his or her future. However, parents can support a wise choice by partnering with the student to thoroughly research majors, college options and funding opportunities. </p>
<p>Once the facts are known and documented in an understandable manner, the student should make a decision based on logic and also based on his or her gut feel. </p>
<p>It is important for students to visit colleges if at all possible because that gives them information they can’t get on the internet, from college publications, or from Facebook. A student should look for a good overall fit.</p>
<p>Parents can broaden their students’ choices by helping them prepare to advantage for college applications and thoroughly research all funding options, including random scholarships, higher wage work opportunities, selling their vehicle if they won’t be a commuter, grandparents, departmental funding, requesting a larger award from the college, and so on. </p>
<p>While it may make sense for a parent to select a high school for a student, selecting their college can be counterproductive. Parents may set a limit on their contribution, but based on that students should be allowed to start their adult lives by making that choice themselves. </p>
<p>If a parent has significant concerns and the student seems unable to be realistic, a parent may offer incentives or ask for a compromise. For example, a parent who works at a college that offers children of employees full tuition can offer the student free living expenses and transportation if they attend that college for the first two years, offering them some support based on savings if they transfer to another university for the second half of college. Other factors need to support that for that to be a good option. And, the student must be free to make that choice or not, knowing the limit that the parent will pay if they attend elsewhere. </p>
<p>I would caution parents not to use finances simply to force the student to attend the parent’s pick. For example, a student might have been accepted to Harvard, the parent’s alma mater, but prefer to go to Harvey Mudd due to school fit. A parent who could pay for either shouldn’t withhold funding for Mudd just to get the student to “continue the tradition.” </p>
<p>If a student is forced for nonfinancial reasons to go to a school that is not their choice, things that go poorly will likely be blamed on the parent. If the student made the choice and things go poorly as they predicted, the parents can be there to offer support and if necessary remediation. </p>
<p>This is simply something that the student has to decide and grow through. Obviously, the choice has to be in the “possible” list. If there is a serious shortfall of funding after all options are explored, it can’t be.</p>
<p>For full-pay families, the choice is not always so clear. Even for those hovering around that $250K figure, it is not always easy. In our family, we have a superstar student who was admitted to her first choice school, University of Chicago. She also got full tuition at our flagship and the school she chose, Pitt. My hubby is retired military, so my job history and retirement fund are not what they could be. We are close to retirement and DH has some medical issues where we are not sure of what the future will hold. From the outside looking in, some parents and nearly all 18-year-olds, would say just write the check. If DD had said Chicago was her dream, we would have made it happen. </p>
<p>She is a rising senior and Pitt as given her great flexibility to explore lots of different things. As a high school senior, applying ED was not an option. A really bright kid deserves to have some options in May.</p>
<p>Our high school’s most veteran guidance counselor told us this at a parent meeting:</p>
<p>"You have total say over two things: cost, and safety. You - the parents - decide how much can be spent. You can also veto schools you feel are in an unsafe location.</p>
<p>But within those boundaries, let it be the kids’ choice. Because otherwise, you’ll never hear the end of it. For the next 40 years you’re going to be sitting across the table at Thanksgiving and your grown kid is going to be saying, ‘You ruined my life because you wouldn’t let me attend Dream Univ.’ It may not be true, but it won’t matter - they’ll blame everything that goes wrong on you ‘making’ them go to the ‘wrong’ college." :p</p>
<p>I thought there was a lot of wisdom in that!</p>
<p>I got into many variety of schools. The decision was the school with the best scholarship offer. No research into the school, no visits, no discussion, nothing. The min I got the fin aid from some school offering no money, all the package of materials was in the trash.</p>
<p>I resented this and hated my first term. Did terrible first sem. I smartened up and did a lot better every term after (still not that ecstatic about my univ or my time there), but that first term grades still haunts me. I was completely out of line the way I behaved my first term, but watch out some of you may have kids who are complete goofballs like I was then. Just putting it out there that this might be something to watch out so prepare and have a plan of action.
I still think my school choice may have been wrong and maybe I shoulda taken out loans. But I am graduating loan free and 'rents say they may even help out with my first car woot woot!</p>
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<p>You did not make sure that all of the schools on your application list were schools that you liked and were appropriate (e.g. had your intended major)?</p>
<p>I’m gonna side with the consensus here and say that it’s okay for parents to set financial boundaries but that, other than that, their children should be allowed to choose, even if only after being exposed to a wide variety of colleges. The financial boundaries should be reasonable, though; if I came from a rich family and my dad, driving me home from high school in his spotless Porsche, told me I couldn’t go anywhere but the local community college, I’d bust a blood vessel all over the vinyl seats. The transition to college is supposed to be (or at least signify) a transition to independence, and thus I don’t think it’s right for parents to keep their children (even if only effectively, not technically) from attending colleges that are far away, don’t share the family’s religious affiliation, etc.</p>
<p>Oh, and if you’re still reading, I’m a high school student.</p>
<p>My parents had 4 kids and had a hard time even paying for applications. Yes I could have worked and payed for the applications myself, but I was extremely busy. I had no car, my parents had minimal income to spend on college as we were just making ends meet, and we had an excellent state school within 25 miles from home. We had a huge fight over my only being allowed to apply to one school. (If I wasn’t accepted it would have been CC.) But it was a decent school, and reflecting back the main reason I didn’t want to go was because it was so close to my HS it wasn’t considered “cool”. It had my major and my father said it would be much easier for me to travel home, I could come home on weekends occasionally if I wanted to, etc</p>
<p>I was mad. But I was determined to go to a four year college with a decent reputation and live on campus. I was able to do this by keeping my expenses down, working at school, and staying close to home. In the four years I was there, it felt like a different world in the college environment, though close to home. I worked hard to receive very good grades so scholarships followed. So what if I didn’t like every aspect of the school, I was getting an undergrad education which served me well and got me into my grad school of choice. I searched for people and things to like, not dwelling on things I didn’t. I graduated with very little debt. </p>
<p>My parents were not controlling me or making my decisions or ignoring their parental responsibility. My father was a realist who realized this way could make my college dreams
come true in a limited resource family. I learned sometimes you make the best of the
situation you’re in. I could have ignored him if I wanted, but what could I do with no money of my own? </p>
<p>My parents did the best they could, putting a little money in to my checking account here and there. </p>
<p>Funny thing is, at least 5 people from my graduating class transferred to this school after
going away to their dream school because they ran out of money or weren’t happy. So they got the same degree I did but had large loans and had paid much more out of pocket at their dream school.</p>
<p>I think it’s great if you can send your kid wherever they want to go. But is that really
making your student more independent if you’re paying it all? How does that make them the “adult” in the picture?</p>
<p>We are able to provide our daughters with more choice. But they want to stay relatively close to home! The irony!</p>
<p>I think the added lesson I learned is that when you rely on others help, you can’t tell them what to do, parents or not. I realized it was a privilege to even go to college. My father actually did me a favor by laying down the facts. They helped me as much as they could, and looking back I can see this degree was for me, and I learned to take school seriously knowing the true costs and the struggle it was. It made doing well that much more important to me.</p>
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<p>Well, it is my money and my sweat, and I would have paid the agreed amount for my D to go to any college she wanted to. I didn’t think the big urban university that was her top choice when she started the process was the best for her - and I said so, and told her why - but if that had been her choice, I’d have written the check, and done so without complaint. It so happens that I think she made a good choice, for good reasons - but that’s a bonus. </p>
<p>I’m with Khalil Gibran - I’m neither the archer nor the arrow, but rather the bow, and the sole role of the bow is to remain steady. </p>
<p>That said, I do agree with the poster who said he is not willing to pay to send an under-performing kid away to college. I think the kid needs to demonstrate he or she is ready for the responsibility of college life. DS14 is just such a kid. He’s been informed that unless he turns it around this year, there’s a community college (or a uniform) in his future.</p>