My brother and I went through this with our dad and his (third) wife this past June. They felt “young” right up until they had concurrent health events that put them in the hospital simultaneously and were then released home without the ability to care for each other. The wife SOS’d me and my brother to help them because they would “die here if we can’t get help soon.” We flew out and got them into AL while they were repeatedly saying, “How could this happen to us?” and “How did we get so old so fast?” When I asked them what their plans were for such a time as this, my dad said, “We didn’t think this could happen.” I replied, “Why not? Because the laws of aging cease to exist under your roof? Wishful thinking is not a plan, so here we are.”
My dad recovered, the wife is still in decline, and they moved themselves back into their house in November against all advice. My brother and I were clear with them that because neither of them is mentally impaired, they are free to make their own decisions, but moving back to the house is a suicide move. They are simply waiting for the next “event” to cause another crisis which they will need to manage themselves whatever that looks like. They are fine with this because they never want to go back to “one of those places” (a resort that was basically a land yacht with every amenity imaginable) and prefer to die at home whenever/however that happens. Case closed.
Unlike many of you, neither my brother nor I give their situation another thought because this is what they want. They are both 90, my dad is still driving, and how they manage is up to them. It is likely she will die first (she has multiple co-morbidities and is under palliative care but will not accept hospice), and my dad can decide what he wants to do then. All of their paperwork is in order, and my brother and I (co-executors) have access to it and will handle the disposition of the house when the time comes. We don’t care if they do the Swedish Death Cleaning or leave it to us. I understand and sympathize with those of you who have a parent(s) with cognitive disabilities, but my dad is not impaired, so I have no authority or responsibility to intervene in how he wants to live or die.
DH and I will move ourselves into a CCRC-type living arrangement before our check-engine lights come on, but we have made it clear to our son that he has no responsibility for his aging parents as we will be leaving just as he is getting into his prime and does not need to be encumbered with anything to do with our care. Our paperwork is all in order, he inherits everything, and there is enough money to shield him from our decline.
@abasket said it better than I did.