@deb922 I totally get what you said about your circus. If there’s zero you can do about it now, it’s wasted energy (of many kinds) to try to get involved right now.
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These posts bring back tough memories of how my MIL made my FIL’s last years miserable, and she was enabled by my husband and his sister. He had Parkinson’s and really REALLY should have been in assisted living. But MIL’s entire id/ego/whatever was rooted in her house and she refused to move. FIL had wanted to go to Florida years earlier to live near his brothers, but she would not budge.
He was a very social guy and would have loved the opportunity to be among people. She was social only in that she could control the relationships. He passed away years before she did, but I still can remember her screaming at him because he couldn’t control his functions and she cleaned up after him. There were numerous ambulance calls for both of them over the years. In her later years, she once fell going up the very steep staircase (she normally had to pull herself up anyway) and was on the floor for about nine hours before she could get to a phone.
She was convinced to accept help but was never happy about it. And she thought it was some kind of civic program; never realized husband and sister were paying for it. Their objective was to allow her to live how she wanted and never would have insisted on her leaving.
And of course no one listened to me and resented me even giving an opinion. After FIL’s funeral and shiva, son and I left quietly in the morning so I could drive him to the airport. Then MIL and SIL got to work on husband convincing him I had been terrible - apparently SIL was offended that I didn’t offer her proper condolences, and MIL was offended that I tried to sneak out of the house so as not to wake anyone. I still remember sitting on the floor at the airport crying while on the phone to husband.
Most people thought MIL was some kind of (Jewish) saint and so caring and involved and wonderful. But along with one or two others, I recognized her as a controlling opinionated Queen Bee. She couldn’t dominate me so basically diminished me.
So yes, sometimes there is nothing you can do but get hit with the fallout. I knew I always came second to MIL in husband’s mind.
@Marilyn, I am so sorry. I had years of therapy after first my father died, then my brother in 2014 and 2015. So much to process. xoxoxoxo
It sounds like you are the messenger of bad news = FIL needs to move.
If a nurse or social worker, friend, doctor, etc. , shared the same message, I wonder if MIL / DH/ inlaws would teact the same way. It is not about them, it is about safe care for FIL. It is not about you being right and them wrong, it is about safe care for FIL.
Sometimes there is fear of being neglected or mistreated in an assisted living facilty. If MIL is also cognitively declining, she may be afraid of being lost in a new place.
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My husband is fine, and things are considerably improved since he doesn’t have to split his attention between me and his mother (who lived to 99). But yes, I do have some bitterness still from the past.
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My mil is a RN who was a floor supervisor at a nursing home. She’s very pro nursing home. She’d be fine if my fil needed to go.
She’s not ready to join him. We are suggesting independent living. She’s not ready to sell their house.
She’s very stubborn. She knows my fil will fall and she won’t be able to get him up or he will break something. I guess it’s their choice.
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@Marilyn I certainly understand and do relate to some of what you are saying.
As I am very aware that it’s hard to leave what is comfortable, I’m also frustrated that my in laws can’t seem to also let go that they need to hire help.
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I totally agree. After my father died my Mom so was lonely. But she really did not want to move to assisted living. She kept saying she would not be happy there. She ended up hospitalized for various reasons, one being that she screwed up her medication. So we just basically just did not let her go home. It was hard but she is happier there than she was alone. When we took her out for dinner last night she didn’t want the leftovers because she said she likes going down to eat so she can socialize.
It’s such a relief to know she’s getting some social interaction and that people check in on her regularly. And that my sister and I don’t have to do everything for her. But I really don’t think she would have every had made the decision to go on her own.
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How did people pull trigger on hospice when not so clear cut. Much better days but still critically ill. After weeks of super confusion, now improving. So stressful
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Are you trying to decided whether to contact doctor and hospice, see if patient qualifies? Or qualified, just trying to decide whether to enroll and take advantage of services?
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Palliative care has recommended hospice. Various problems with no fix for any of them. Last week decision seemed obvious but seems to be getting some of mental function back.. I think I need to have hospice people come in and talk to him about choices. Not having plan is very hard and I know this is not a situation where I’ll have final control of the turns his health takes. But suddenly spending more on sitters, not even full time, than would cost to be in facility - so stressing about money. This has been H first full year of retirement so we had not really figured out what money comes from where when his health plummeted. Maybe a stupid concern but it’s where my mind goes late at night.
Please know…this is not a “stupid concern”. I think having a conversation yourself with the hospice folks is also a good idea.
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Yes, talk with the hospice people. My MIL has been on hospice almost a year. They have provided very helpful services.
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Boy, she is not helping anyone one with her “don’t cross me” attitude. I feel for you as the one who seems to really see the possible negative consequences of this situation- I feel for you. 
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but I need to say it.
You have saved your whole life for this moment. For the moment when you can’t do the things you used to do. For help. To hire help.
Not to give to us. Not to complain about the $47 the lawn service charged you for fall cleanup.
Maybe instead of saying there’s nothing you can do, how about think about how you can get to your granddaughter’s wedding? Not how you can’t leave the one who can’t. I know it’s hard.
I know this isn’t a say it here. I don’t even care anymore that they won’t be at my daughter’s wedding. My daughter doesn’t. And I’m the bad guy when I mention that they won’t be able to be there.
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Amen!
I knew from meeting DH’s parents that we needed to move far away. My parents lived 100 miles from DH’s parents and it also was healthy to move far away. Giving up a lot of vacation time for trips back home was worth living away.
I only had DDs, so I do not have the insight to where a mother develops a relationship with a son to where they wield that over son’s relationship with his wife (and that is SO unhealthy!). But I have seen SIL’s only child/son with her ‘special relationship’ with him as a child, and then how he has a more balance relationship – yet she is ‘grieving’. Her son and his wife live in their same town but he only occasionally sees his mom and dad. The dad is fine with it, but the mom is a mess emotionally about it.
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I would be so so very happy if only son did find someone else to turn to with his emotional needs! He turned 36 yesterday and he still saves “the drama for mama.”
This!
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So much my late MIL! Saved her whole life but would never spend anything on herself. I get it. She was widowed at a young age with four children under 5 years old and very little in the bank.
So she rationed, saved, made smart financial decisions, and had a bit of luck. 60+ years later she was financially very well off. But just couldn’t shake her Depression Era Mentality.
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