So my husband offered to drive his parents to our daughter’s wedding. Daughter wants them there, he says we are going anyways. And they could not figure out how to fly. Flying wasn’t going to work. His sibling wasn’t going to help.
My daughter seems happy. We have another wedding to attend for her. It will be the in laws last trip. I’m convinced of that.
While I’d rather my bil stepped up, it’s not going to happen. My mil won’t think of leaving fil home. So this is the decision. I will drive with husband so he doesn’t have to drive the 13 hours by himself. I did convince him that we should do it in 2 days. So that the in laws will hopefully not be too exhausted during the day of wedding festivities.
This wedding is for the benefit of those who can’t attend the destination wedding. It’s very loosely organized. Meaning not organized except for booking a dinner reservation for 30.
I thought I’d update this group. Sometimes you don’t get a choice on what you think is best. Sometimes it’s not about you but about others. My husband generously offered to accommodate his parents. They are his parents.
That is why there was a note placed on the very dead battery on our relatives car with a phone number to call if anyone asked for the car to be jumped.
Just to clarify, this is the wedding with all the discussion upthread where MIL said she was going to make all the flight arrangements. And that FIL will likely be too worn out to appreciate or possibly attend in the end. And now it turns out that this is only one of two weddings, and apparently not the one that counts since it’s being held for those who can’t make the second destination wedding.
And now husband has decided to drive to his parents home 800 miles away, pick up his parents and bring them back, then return them home, I presume. Two days driving each way. So altogether eight days of driving to get them to this first wedding.
Since no one listened to you or cared for your opinion, and since husband had no comments until he suddenly decided to make the drive, I would not go with him. Stay home and prepare, help yourself and your daughter get ready for this not-really-wedding, and save your energy for the ?real? destination wedding.
After the whole Christmas trip situation, sorry, but it really sounds like your daughter is thinking only what she wants (and I know there are serious health issues involved), husband is thinking of his parents, and BIL is thinking of only himself. So you think of yourself for a change!
And next thing is the MIL will decide she also needs to attend the tropical destination wedding with FIL and husband will say nothing until he decides he will fly to his parents, escort them to the island, then fly them home. While you’re handling everything yourself at the destination (in your lovely flowy flowery dress).
The in laws decided long ago that they wouldn’t attend the tropical destination wedding. That’s why this “local only to the wedding couple” wedding was scheduled.
Yes none of these weddings are close in distance. Yes I am sure everyone is thinking of what they want. My husband though is trying to make his parents and daughter happy. And they will be happy.
I’m going to make the most of it. I’m going to be thrilled that my daughter is finally getting married at 34. That her fiance has stood by her through her cancer and her recovery. We are going to celebrate that her grandparents will be there. And I’m not going to make this about me.
Wish us all luck that there will be no falls and no medical issues.
I was right, she was incandescently angry!! We did the checklist and the 6 self assessments screening,and sent the results to Local and Preferred. She passed two and failed four. Is now fuming on the couch.
EDIT hours later : still fuming. I asked her if she has a way to know for herself when she should stop driving (since I am a “monster” trying to stop her). Her answer was “well, I’ll have an accident! And then I’ll stop!”
I know in my husband’s case, he does not want to be the bearer of bad news. He does not want to confront his parents. He does not want to rock the boat. So he will resist any attempt to upset his parents. He feels that they should know their limits and he also likes the head in sand approach.
I’m think that is common and while I hate to generalize, I think it’s common for the male species.
If the male in your life isn’t like that, consider yourself lucky.
MIL just finished telling H & me that she never had to help SIL financially. Uh … yeah, she did. A lot. Interesting how things get muddled in the brain as people age. Not that we would correct her, but once upon a time, the woman could tell you where every cent she spent went. I think what it really helps me understand is how old folks can get taken advantage of … the loss of financial understanding is kind of shocking. No wonder Medicare Part D plans change their costs so often … at some point, the participants just stay with them even if they hike their rates.
Thanks for the link to that assessment. I’ve been telling DH and his 2 siblings for a year that their dad should not be driving. I know he’d fail almost all of those - if I can get them to read through the assessment maybe they’ll realize it’s time to take the keys away. Not to mention that he recently did fail his license renewal but is determined to try again. Because “you know those test people are hostile to old people.”
End of the saga – we took Mom home (she did in fact stay pretty mad the entire rest of her stay – so the last 36 hours or so) and she had not even taken off her coat before the appearance of the mail completely undid her. We let her sort the mail, I double checked from a distance and then DH whisked away all the junk mail (where he checked to see she hadn’t made mistakes). I sorted tax documents from actual bills; she unpacked things and fussed and cried and sputtered that there was an overdue bill (her biggest worry) and I said yes, that’s overdue and it will be fine. Put the tax bills where they are being collected for her accountant; ended up retrieving them to prove none were bills.
She turns on her computer, starts rooting through her (out of date)Quicken, checkbook, and bank statements. Wants to print them. We print the most current one. (Keep in mind we’ve been home less than an hour). She is hyperventilating and incoherently looking for another statement. At that point, I say, time for a nap. She says good idea. Does not budge. I ended up reaching around her and turning the computer off, turning her chair around, and perp-walking her to bed, sobbing. Over the bill that is late. She sleeps, gets up, and does somewhat better.
She has decided she doesn’t need pain meds and believes her idiot pcp will fix everything when she sees him next. That’s AUGUST. Local and Preferred check in to see “are you okay? did Mom eat your brain over the mail?” because they Know How This Goes. She finds some sewing entirely covered in straight pins. “Who did that” I ask. “Not me” she replies, "I think somebody else did that. ". Once she is overwrought , it’s like her brain just completely turns off. (My DH observed “she has emotional dysregulation issues”)
THank you for coming to my TED talk And thank you for letting me monopolize the thread. I can’t travel right now, so there will be no more guest stays until we can pick her up again, likely in late summer.
I’m so sorry. The perseverating is so tough. My dad was sure that someone was going to steal some land he owned and constantly called the tax office in the rural county where the land is. When he died, I called the woman who took the brunt of the calls, and she was so sweet. The good news is most of us of a certain age have BTDT and are kind.
We visited the in-laws yesterday. (they live with the SIL) Two positives. His Dad (almost 90) seems to be doing decently well cognitively, except for the usual gives $$$ to any and every charity that writes and calls. (seems that the solution is pretty obvious - don’t give him the mail/phone, but I digress. It’s not my family.)
His mom though. So so so awful. 10+ (maybe 12ish) year decline of Alzheimer’s. I’d call it severe for the last 5-7 years. Now, it’s too terrible for words. After her last bout in the hospital where her BMI was in the 15s, and she wasn’t much more than a vegetable, things have not improved. She stays in bed pretty much all day. I don’t think her torso is more than 2" thick. She can’t complete a sentence without getting lost - though apparently she can be (and I don’t doubt) verbally abusive to the SIL/BIL during the day - and she was also hallucinating or something. Whatever she was trying to say, made zero sense. You wonder how long someone can go on, but it’s already been 7.5 months in this state.
When we left, H begged me to feed him rat poison someday. My only hope is that physically he seems to be more like his Dad - they both share CLL! so maybe - even though both of FIL’s parents had dementia - just maybe he’ll be OK… Or maybe the CLL will get him before he winds up like this.
The other positive is that this visit has got me to get off my butt and start seriously researching end of life documents. I hope to make an appointment with a lawyer in the next couple of weeks. We have a will - just basic because our assets would probably horrify most of the CC board - but nothing else.
It was just that awful. Nobody should ever have to live like that, especially for so long with no end in sight.
How does caretaking for your aging parents affect your thoughts on aging?
I wonder if our parents are basically the first generation that has lived this long and are not sure how to handle the aging process.
For me, my grandmother on my mom’s side was the longest living parent. She passed away from Alzheimer’s when I was 25. My mom was 48. Mom left the care of her mother to her youngest sister. The other grandparents died when I was young.
On my husband’s side, he was close to his grandmother but she passed away around the same time and as my grandmother. She fell and broke her hip, had pancreatic cancer and died within months.
Now here we are with 3 parents in their 80’s who are kicking and screaming into their own older age and slowing down. My mil loves to tell us how she doesn’t feel old. Why do people say she looks good for her age? She’s 87. My mom tells us how we forced her into independent living. That isn’t how it went.
Have things changed so much and there is this whole layer of technology? That they are having trouble navigating. Was it always this way?
We are trying as hard as we can, and we are trying to help. It’s the obstinate and fighting us that’s hard.
I want to be less difficult to my children that these octogenarians. Will I be able to? Will I be so difficult to stop driving? Or to accept help? Or know that my living situation isn’t working for me?
My grandparents lived into their 90s. It was my parents who died younger (78 and 82) so I’m not sure if this is the first generation.
That said, absolutely my feelings about aging have been greatly impacted by caretaking. I want to be sure that I’m not placing undue burdens on my D because I’m too stubborn to get help or move into a care community.
Me too. Big impact. From doing as much as I can to have a long “healthspan” to prepping my sons. I’ve started to write advice for caring for my husband and I down in a notebook although I hope it won’t be necessary for 20+ years.
One of the main things I’ve said is “You have to make sure I’m cared for as well as possible, just not by you”
And thank you for letting me monopolize the thread. I can’t travel right now, so there will be no more guest stays until we can pick her up again, likely in late summer.