@ClassicMom98, so very, very sorry. Poor FIL! Hoping that your family finds comfort in the company of one another at this very sad time.
1 Like
And my dadās neurologist told him he could continue to drive during the day. When he died, I found (really!) thousands of dollars in his pants pockets that he used to pay off drivers with whom he had apparently had fender-benders. I can only hope that he never killed anyone. He stopped driving after he woke up from a nap at 6pm thinking it was 6am and got lost less than five miles from home. It took him hours to find his way home in the dark.
He never showed any signs of dementia and his physical health was excellent until the hemorrhagic stroke that killed him.
6 Likes
This (and other examples in the thread) illustrate the dilemmas so well. Dementia and other aging processes arenāt linear on all parameters and the whole can be greater than the sum of its parts. History becomes less relevant in predicating what comes next. When my father was in a memory care unit, family members could attend regular education/support meetings together with the director facilitating. It became clear how we were all at least one step behind in handling the varied descents of our loved ones across different parameters. Avoiding assumptions is particularly important with high stakes issues.
2 Likes
After two weeks in Assisted Living (or should I say two weeks out of rehab), SMom92 fell and now has a broken pelvis. So, thatās a broken vertebrae (L1) in early February and a pelvic fracture in late March.
A complicating factor is that she had her house cleaner take her rather than a trained person from AL. So they opened the exterior door to the dentist, stepped back, and tumbled.
The ābestā part of this new break is that Dad (96) is currently in AL and well cared for. This is not a double-emergency that we need to jump in the car to go help. None of us lives closer than a 6 hour drive.
Further complication. Older brother continues to assert that they can have as a goal that they can go home and live independently āwith some helpā. Actually heās starting to grasp that they canāt but he isnāt willing to use any realistic language with them.
Add on that this brother feels that SMom92 should be able to write checks. She told us she wrote one for $2.50 to the house cleaner/errand runner and it didnāt ring a bell with same brother that the check cleared for $250.00. (He has the POA for my father and has access to the bank accounts).
Iām hoping younger brother can play nice guy tomorrow and check with the house cleaner on why sheās getting checks of any amount from SMom92, since I fronted her with $450 for errands less than 2 weeks ago. (Thereās a disconnection here and if it doesnāt get cleared, I wonāt be fronting more money). I gave her $200 cash and have since mailed a $250 pre-paid debit card. Last Monday she told me she had spent $100 of the $200 and by now she should have received the $250 card.
This is the employee we trust, not the one we fired for likely embezzlement ā and had to have the attorney issue a cease and desist.
Iām still getting my fatherās mail forwarded to me ā there are some business changes coming shortly including the pending transition to an LLC. We need to know what the bills are to know what accounts need to be changed. My brother has the POA but doesnāt want to have the mail. Nor does he want me to have it. Iām only getting the mail with my fatherās name (not hers). Each day I scan the bills and send via email: (1) this is autopay, (2) this needs to be paid ā check or credit card, (3) this is FYI. Pretty up and up. And since SMom92 keeps mucking up the checking account, it needs adult supervision.
Iāve firmly told older brother he is not acting in his fiduciary responsibility if he lets SMom92 continue to write checks and jeopardize Dadās assets. He deflects.
So the three of us communicate and somewhat share responsibilities. The one with the POA has the least interest in visiting the seniors and says he will go again in July. SMom92 has bungled more than a few checks. And maybe those gems will be the stories for another post.
Iāve thought about retiring, but this senior situation is keeping me employed. I feel that my brothers will expect me to be there constantly and to handle all issues if I retire. So, in my defense, Iām staying employed!
No real questions tonight. Just sharing the quandaries. We all get along somewhat and we try to share most of the responsibilities. Still, it is frustrating.
17 Likes
I wonder sometimes if the sibling dynamic reflects gender as well. I often find myself wondering why I need to draw my brothers a very specific picture of something that really, imho, they ought to have noticed about Mom. Itās never big enough to require a showdown, just eyerolling.
I keep her doctor schedule on my own calendar, for example. All three of them check with me to confirm details and thatās fine but why donāt the bros put it on their own since they are driving?
My mom has a terrible time with checks. Weāve worked to get more of her stuff on autopay, but then she gets confused by the paper statement and tries to pay it too.
4 Likes
I find that my husband will do anything not to contradict his mother.
Where I will challenge my mom. I tend to be honest with her but my husband chooses a different approach with his mother.
Both mothers can be very difficult in different ways. Age hasnāt helped anything.
Itās been hard to drag the elders into the new way of paying bills. My mom was pretty easy as long as I set things up and explained it. My mil will hang on to her checkbook with no intention of getting any help.
4 Likes
My brothers were very in tune with my parentsā needs, and they were incredibly helpful. My H is great with his mom, who insists that my SIL do everything for her ā¦ H never contradicts his sisterās decisions, and he is very supportive. Just a few data points, of course, but I suspect it has less to do with gender than with relationships and personalities.
4 Likes
Aināt that the truth! A few years ago, my dad decided all of a sudden that paying bills online or even by phone would result in somebody stealing his identity, so he now only pays things by snail mailed personal check. Never mind the fact that mail theft does occur and it would be easy to steal his identity that way, too.
4 Likes
I see this opinion held by a few friends, too; not easy to address or persuade them to learn new best practices to guard personal data. Some are looking into going in person to their banks with their bills and having bank pay electronically for them.
Some friends have computers or phones that can no longer be updated with software patches and they are uncomfortable buying new equipment.
1 Like
ARRGGHHH!!!
Not my parent but my sisterā¦PLEASE just give it up. Pay the bills on-line. I donāt want to hear how the mail person is going to steal your checkā¦or someone elseā¦or Joe Blow is robbing your mail boxā¦ Your accountant who you PAY said to go on-line . for most things its safer. Easier.
i love her but deliver me from the continual turmoil
5 Likes
My 92 year old mother is afraid to do on line banking, too many news stories about people getting defrauded and scammed makes her unwilling.
My wife got successfully phished although we caught it in time to not lose any money. What chance would a 92 year old, not very technically literate person have?
So I get the reluctance.
4 Likes
My inlaws were checkwashed, which I thought was just an urban myth, but that was a mess to clear up. Yet, when MIL canāt get her email to open, they take her laptop to Staples and leave it there to āfixā. All their financials, etc. are on it. They leave it for a few daysā¦
My mother sent me a check for something I ordered for her; she knew she would have trouble writing it correctly so she just signed it and mailed me a blank check usps. I almost had a real live heart attack 
8 Likes
My SIL has been sick with respiratory issues since Thanksgiving. She canāt seem to shake it, and Iām sure itās because sheās doing so much for MIL. But MIL is absolutely awful to SIL, and now sheās badmouthing her. If sheās saying such awful stuff to H on the phone, I am certain sheās telling everyone she talks to. She actually called her lazy & said she couldnāt believe her husband hasnāt left her. Uhhhh ā¦ MIL is incredibly demanding of SIL, who takes such good care of her. Sheās just mean, mean, mean to SIL. My heart goes out to all of you burning the candle at both ends & feeling like itās never enough. We try to help to the extent we can, but MIL has made it clear that only SIL is allowed to help her. I honestly hope that SIL makes it through this okay - sometimes I worry that her 97 year old mother is going to outlive her.
9 Likes
Could SIL call in sick to MIL and get some respite?
6 Likes
She used to go see her every day, and we talked her into taking two days off a week. She has taken a couple weeks off during her illnesses, too. That just seems to make MIL meaner. SIL & H decided to hire one of MILās favorite aides to sit with her a few hours a day a couple days a week. Hopefully that will help a bit. TBH, we are seeing a lot of things coming out in MIL that she seems to have repressed for years. We think that she has a lot of unresolved issues in her own life that are influencing her behavior. We just feel awful that SIL gets to be her punching bag.
9 Likes
@kelsmom , my grandmother started exhibiting some personality traits that seemed pretty out of line with whom sheād been. (Sheād always been outspoken, but never mean.) At one point, she had a scan that revealed sheād had over a half dozen strokes! These hadnāt been huge or life-changing, but apparently they often do result in a personality change. Just tossing that out there. Yes, your MILās ability/energy to continue to repress could be at fault, but something physically may have changed too, and that could have started this SIL-hostile behavior.
6 Likes
@Mom22039: Yup!!!
I feel that my brothers will expect me to be there constantly and to handle all issues if I retire
3 Likes
I agree. My mom has vascular dementia and her primary symptom is an almost complete change of personality (for the (much) worse). I wondered early on if I was now seeing things she had āhiddenā earlier, but now that the disease has progressed I can say confidently ānope, itās 100% the diseaseā.
Also, the person bearing the brunt of the nastiness is usually 1. The person doing most of the care, and 2. The person the patient with dementia feels safest with. They take out their fear, anxiety, and anger on the person they know will not leave them.
That said, its very important for the caregiver to set boundaries for their own mental health, which is just as important as the demented personās needs.
12 Likes
I sometimes had to leave my motherās room when she got to me. I would go out to the driveway, even shaky. By the time I went back to her room, she had forgotten and we started over. I have to admit there are times when it took all my strength to go back. Now that she is gone, I am glad I did, so there are no regrets.
8 Likes
This.
While my dad was dying, he had some classic vascular dementia signs ā the obsessing, the anger, the outbursts and inability to be reasoned with ā all of which he took out on Mom until he went to hospice. She, in turn, took her anger out on me so often we called me her Anger Magnet. I know it was bc I was a safe place to put it but that doesnāt make it easy.
SiL needs to hear often that she deserves support, is doing valuable caregiving, and send her presents! Seriously! I send Local Sibling something fairly often, even if it is just a thank you note. Also, nobody should be listening to MIL badmouth SiL ā divert, distract, or cut her off. If it is dementia anger, it wonāt change the behavior, but does lend moral support to SIL.
9 Likes