We went to my bil’s for Easter. He and my 87 year old mil are at odds with each other. They had a tiff while we were there.
It’s the same old story. Bil (newly divorced) is trying to find his way. My mil is critical, bossy and very controlling. Bil isn’t handling it how we would but I think he’s had enough.
They live within a mile of each other. My mil is resisting any help and is fighting to stay in control. My bil is also going through some issues of his own.
My mil has always ran all communication through the wives and so my bil has been buffered from much of my mil’s interactions and interference. Now that he has to deal with her and lives so close, it’s taking a toll. On both of them.
The other issue is that mil is not used to any kind of disagreement to her. So she needs to be right and when she doesn’t get her way, she cries. She’s being mistreated!
I have no idea what can be done about this situation. I don’t want to get involved. Told mil that my bil is going through a lot and tried to offer empathy with my own situation with my kids and their boundaries. She told me my kids shouldn’t talk to me like that. Sigh!
Mil says she’s too old to change. Bil refuses to be continued to be treated this way. Around and around it goes.
I’ve heard this line too. I usually say something about how there’s so much in life we can’t control – especially as we age – but how we handle and respond to things IS within our control. As so much in our lives is slipping out of control, why give up on something we can control?
It seems to resonate, but not always stick (hence having said so with some regularity!)
My mil called me today, to “apologize” about some of her behavior on Sunday and for me to know that she’s not mad at me.
I don’t usually ever give her any advice but I told her that my bil is going through a lot and maybe she could give him some grace as he is grieving the end of his 30+ year marriage.
This is my vent. She said that I can have my kids treat me badly if I want but she’s not going to allow her son to “treat her like a whipping boy”
My feelings are hurt. I didn’t even know what to say. I said that I have my way of dealing with my kids and she could deal with hers.
She also said she feels “coerced” into attending my daughter’s wedding. I told her that my husband, her son and I aren’t “forcing” them into anything. That if she didn’t want to go, she can still cancel. That we made it clear that we are not forcing anyone to do anything.
My gosh. Do you feel like your BIL treated her “like a whipping boy”? That is a BOLD probably really inappropriate statement.
I know you are probably trying to be nice but what I would do is say that I have to set my boundaries too - and that the comments she is making today are hurtful and inappropriate - and that the conversation and call are now done (cause she is treating you like a whipping boy!). Let your husband call her back if he wants.
Goodness her “boys” are what? 50-60s years old?! They deserve the same respect she would like to get. It’s not one-sided.
I would say that maybe this is an age thing and that she should be taken with a grain of salt or whatever but boy, she is sure not shy about dishing it out!!!
Thank you so much for that response. I really needed it today.
I try to let these things go. Because she’s old and not politically correct. And that’s being kind. She says these wildly inappropriate comments quite a bit.
And her son’s are in their 60’s.
Could my bil have handled things better? Yes. Is he beyond fustrated? Also yes
I advocated for some distance but I think it’s more important for my mil to be right than to have empathy.
My husband will do anything not to incur her wrath or disappointment and he wants me to do the same. I usually try to keep things civil but today I really felt that my bil needed some support.
There may be a bit. Not much. She’s been this way although now she’s much more critical than she used to be. She’s always been very critical of my daughter.
I guess my bil (and myself although I try to limit contact) are finding it more intolerable.
The inappropriate borderline racist comments are unfortunately nothing new.
It’s like she’s the same, except more.
She is having trouble coming to the conclusion that she can’t do everything and is fighting back.
My MIL has stated unequivocally that her D has a responsibility for taking care of her. In fact, she has told SIL numerous times that she feels sorry for her because SIL doesn’t have a D to take care of her when she gets old. Well, her S is perfectly capable (and willing) … but apparently it’s the daughter’s role in life.
DH & I have been through this in the not too distant past with my MIL. Reminds me of a whole heck of a lot of nonsense that my MIL used to pull. Some food for thought:
if your MIL doesn’t have dementia, then you guys are not obligated to put up with her saying racist stuff to you, being rude to your daughter, saying rude or pushy things about how you raised your own kids, etc., etc.
my DH spent a really long time basically being his mother’s ‘beck and call boy.’ He finally did reach a point where he’d had enough and he stepped back a heck of a lot, but it was a hard journey to get there.
your brother is probably going to reach that point very soon if he hasn’t already.
don’t volunteer yourself to go save her from herself when your brother steps out of the toxic mess and decides to not play your MIL’s head games anymore.
just because somebody is old doesn’t mean that they get to be rude buttholes to people.
You, your DH, and your BIL have all been adulting yourselves for long enough to know and decide that you do not HAVE to put up with manipulative or rude behavior from somebody JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE RELATED TO THEM! And you do NOT have to ask permission to set boundaries with the person. After all, what’s the worst thing that could happen? She might refuse to talk to you for awhile. Based on how things are going, maybe that’s not such a bad punishment.
What you’re basically dealing with is an elderly toddler. A toddler who’s having a temper tantrum because she can’t get what she wants. How do you deal with a toddler who’s having a temper tantrum? give them a time out. My DH did this all the time with my MIL. Sometimes, the time outs had to last longer than others because she’d be REALLY out of line.
the next time your MIL complains about being dragged to your daughter’s wedding, put it back on her. Say something like “Ok, that’s no problem. If you don’t want to go, we’ll understand. I’ll go ahead and remove you from the guest list.” And say it in a very casual nonchalant tone of voice. Don’t play the game. Don’t beg her to come. Don’t go on and on telling her stuff like “Oh it just won’t be the same without you there!” Just take her at her word.
You can choose to be happy. Or you can choose to be right. Your MIL has chosen the latter. YOU can choose the former. But doing so will require you to, in a sense, stop caring so much what she thinks anymore. It sounds callous but I don’t mean it to sound that way.
Tell it like it is to your daughter. Don’t sugar coat it. Don’t try to make excuses for her. don’t try to be the go-between between your MIL and your daughter re: the wedding. If your daughter really wants Grandma to come, have daughter make a phone call and ask Grandma to come. Then the responsibility is on MIL. SHE becomes the one responsible for disappointing her granddaughter. Your MIL will be the one who ends up looking like an overgrown spoiled child who’s mad that she can’t have it her way all the time. She will look like a butthead to your daughter. And there’s really, honestly, nothing you can do about that. Sometimes, family members end up being a lot less than what we really need. But I bet that your daughter already knows what her grandmother is like.
You might have played ‘the high ground’ and not responded to her comment about not allowing her to have her son treat her like a whipping boy. I might have responded “you are talking to the wrong person. You need to tell you DS”.
A few years before MIL died, she lost her filters (she died at 92) due to dementia. I believe she was a bit jealous that I had the ‘youth’ and ability to manage things in her home that she no longer could do - so I would not be alone in a room with her. If she said comments in front of others, good that they heard them. I was protecting myself. She had no feelings like this with her adult GDaughters.
My 94 year old Dad has become unanchored from time and place. I called him tonight to tell him that he’s getting a 16K tax refund and the tax preparer is coming by Assisted Living on Wed. a.m. to get his signature on his returns. I, with POA, could e-sign but I think it’s important that he have agency and take whatever responsibility he can at this point for the sake of his dignity. He thinks he’s in Connecticut at his brother’s (who died in 1990). He’s actually in Minnesota. He told me that he’s concerned because he can’t get back to the appointment in time. He also thinks that I’m in China (!). I think this is because his granddaughter and her husband are in Japan on a trip (we discussed this) and his geography is getting hazy. He is a Korean war vet, was wounded, and spent time in a hospital in Japan in the 50s. He also has been to Taiwan a few times for medical meetings. This is not a man who does not know the difference b/t east Asian countries. But his awareness is just not there. He turns 95 in July. We will plan something on the spur of the moment for the birthday (I’m not going to worry about it until 6 weeks before).
Can you ask the assisted living to check and see if he has a UTI? I found with my father that when he showed these kinds of symptoms it was due to a UTI.
He’s had post op delirium since he had a pacemaker installed in August. It comes and goes but lately it’s been worse. But I hear what you are saying and it might be worth looking at.
Second the UTI test.
And sending strength and energy to all dealing with parenting your parent. Good day or bad day it is still a scary lot of work thing. GIve yourself a break, too.
My mom had a host of issues beginning at 60. She passed away a month shy of her 77th birthday. I am in my mid 60’s, and many of my health decisions have been influenced by her experiences. There are some medications I have avoided because I believe that they contributed to her issues. I could be wrong, of course, but I feel comfortable with my decisions. I really, really don’t want to end up with the health problems my mom had. My dad passed away at 83, and he chose to stop treating his cancer when it popped back up a few years after his initial surgery. I get why he did that. I watched my FIL struggle with Parkinson’s, and his final couple years were pain filled due to complications from falls. I am watching my MIL approach a 97th birthday she doesn’t want to celebrate; she’s been ready to “go” for two years. Life is unfair, and the unfairness is unpredictable. To the extent that I can try to control my own aging process, I will. But I also know that nature will do whatever nature wants to do.
Not apprehensive so much as it erased the notions I had, the imaginary way I clearly thought life begins to end. We all know that the last bit is awful; I was unprepared for how the months leading up, the years leading up, are just one big pile of uncertainty and blind corners and guessing what the “right” thing to do is. So we are trying to keep that in mind.
My mom said today that she wished she’d been “a better wife” and I was appalled. My dad adored her from Day 1 and I told her so; reminded her that we do the best we can with the knowledge we had at the time (she was feeling like she nagged him into tiny bits of exercising instead of realizing it was futile) .
“I know” she sniffed. " I guess we didn’t believe he really was going to die after all"