I hope not. I have to find a way to help her figure this out, without putting her on the spot. I’m hoping it’s more an undiagnosed anxiety issue (she won’t see a therapist) than dementia. But I fear that will be our fate, especially if you never break out of your tiny comfort zone.
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Some ideas for your sister, how about a physical check up? Eyes, hearing? Is she feeling weak?
Could have consult for physical therapy? Maybe there is physical reason for fear? How is her heart, fear can be sign of irregular heartbeat.
How is her sleeping? Interrupted sleep can cause problems in thinking.
There is geriatric psychiatry website with suggestions on reducing stress, increasing social or family support (besides medications).
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My dad’s neuropathy is getting worse. He had severe pain overnight Sunday, then he fell the next night (I guess that can be a problem associated with neuropathy). He didn’t hurt himself, but he had to call to ask for help to get back up. My sister is taking him to the doctor today. He turns 87 tomorrow. Boy, he never complains!
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We haven’t talked to my IL in several weeks, and then it’s only my MiL. FIL hasn’t talked to his son for 4 months. DH called MIL last night to say hi and discovered the silence is intentional – my FIL is mad at us! So he has forbidden her to call us!
He’s “hurt and upset” because DH told him, over the course of several convos, that no, we do not want to inherit vacation property 1500 miles away. MIL says this is his “life’s dream” and DH is obstructing that. (DH had said great if you want to buy it, leave it to BIL instead, have fun)
Even weirder? FIL is upset bc when I was taken to the ER when we were there, we didn’t let him come sit with us. In the crash room. With the cardiology team. For 17 hours, and then an admit. “You made him feel excluded” MIL says.
I have offered to apologize and DH says absolutely not. But we do wonder if FIL is completely okay (he’s 85)
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Ugh. Vacation properties can be a huge pain when it comes to inheritances. It makes no sense to me why someone would get bent out of shape just because their adult child isn’t interested (in the continuous cost and upkeep of) a place that the adult child did not choose to own. But then, my MIL was upset that I said no to her massive dining room table, which is the width of my dining room (and no, I am not going to use my living room as my dining room to accommodate it). Apparently, it was the only thing from her home that she wanted her son to have (her D got the rest - and also the table). She got rid of her stuff when moving into AL, so she knew that we weren’t taking it. And she brings it up a lot … “I can’t believe you didn’t want my table.” As if that somehow meant we were rejecting her.
Oh, and H does get her vacation property (he is joint tenant with her). We do all the upkeep, but we don’t change anything cosmetically. She wouldn’t see it if we did, but I guarantee that somehow she would know … and the “you don’t like my …” would kick in!
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I’m seeing this now. One thing I’ve realized as my Dad has declined cognitively is that he knows at some level that he isn’t himself, and he’s afraid of giving it away or embarrassing himself. He will say something that’s not the case or bring up some scenario that’s only in his mind, and then learns from the spontaneous confused reactions of people around him that he has said the wrong thing. He has started to retreat from interactions and it’s painful, because I know why.
I don’t think it’s correct to suggest that pushing aging people into new encounters or experiences will actually prevent dementia. I think a retreat into the familiar is a result, not a cause, of dementia. When you know you can’t trust your own perceptions, you become afraid of the new.
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I’m so glad my sister wants to inherit my dad’s condo on the Texas coast. It will be part of her share. The ownership seems like a huge headache to me. Dad had to spend a good bit of money to contribute to repairs after the last hurricane, and the damage wasn’t even to his unit!
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Just thinking out loud, but if you know the vacation property is going to be an issue, wouldn’t it be best to just accept it and then have the estate or yourself just sell it afterwards?
There’s potentially tax advantages as well to selling it after you inherit it.
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No, because we do not want to handle it at all, and also, DH will not be the executor, my BIL will be. If there is, in fact, a will, which we very much doubt. The issue here is a grown man having a tantrum because he cannot foist yet another item we do not want on us and saying because it is an estate issue, we are required to take it. (He has given us, over the years: a sailboat. a horse saddle. a giant model sailboat. an unbelievable array of outerwear. pallets of broken tools. ) DH was polite, clear, and said BIL would likely be thrilled to inherit both properties (FIL already owns one) 1500 miles away (BIL does not fly, he says it is unsafe to trust pilots). At some point, you draw a line and try to hold it.
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Yeah, although H is a joint owner with his mom, her trust stipulates that the value of the property comes out of his share of the estate. He is happy with that for now, since he understands the time and cost involved. His dad knew very well that if he didn’t set it up the way he did, and if both H and his sister inherited it, H would want to sell. No way he ever would have owned it with his sister, who would not contribute anything in terms of money or labor - but who would probably stay there the whole summer.
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My sister’s husband is having that issue with his sister. She contributes NOTHING but expects to stay in their cabin. Their parents “gave” the cabin to the two of them, but are insistent that they not sell it. It’s located in Wisconsin and my sister and BIL are in Texas so they don’t go up very often (my sister does NOT like it). The place is falling apart. It’s so sad. I’ve told my BIL he should keep careful track of everything he’s spent so that it can be taken out of her share of the proceeds when they eventually sell, but I don’t know if he’s going to do it. He hates confrontation. His sister is a piece of work and will do everything she can to take more than her share. Ugh.
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I think many of us could raise our 
and tell a story of how a family property created family havoc or tore a family apart.
Highly DON’T recommend if one party is not fully in!
@greenbutton is your FIL wanting to purchase a (another?) property now at an advanced age???
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Yes, he is. He first talked to DH about it last fall, DH said "oooh, is that a great idea? " but FIL is fixated that property is wealth. They owned 2, sold one at a loss, rent the other. This one they are in the process of buying (havent been able to close) is to be a airbnb rental and then they will spend time there too. Despite the fact that they have gone to this location exactly twice in 8 years.
If I thought anyone would listen, I’d want a doctor to see if FIL is okay. It’s just so nonsensical.
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I don’t see why it would be a problem to just go along with saying you’re willing to inherit a piece of property, if it’s that important to them. Then after death, you can sell or give it to the other inheritor. Plus, the parent can just leave it to you anyways, regardless of what you say, it’s not like you need someone’s permission what to write in your will. I wonder if the parent is trying to find an excuse to purchase vacation property? That way he can feel it’s not wasteful, and can leave it to his heirs.
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It’s not always easy to get rid of property, and it has to be maintained, insured and secured until a sale can be completed. That can be very challenging, especially if the person inheriting it lives far away.
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If the other person wants it, though, you could sell your portion to them or give it to them. Not an ideal situation, but it doesn’t seem worth making into a war about. And as crazy hot as property is here in the US over the last several years, no doubt you could sell a vacation property fairly quickly. You could also donate it. My dad inherited some useless property with no access, and when he got tired of paying the property taxes, he donated it to the land conservancy. Just doesn’t seem worth the fight.
That brings up a good point (maybe a good topic sometime in one of the finance or estate planning threads). I am under the impression that you can say “pass” on inheirited assets or life insurance payouts , let the alternate beneficiary get it. (Still need to research that more). Maybe real estate is same way.
All we did, when asked if we would want to inherit 1 of 2 vacation homes 1500 miles away, was say “No thank you, we really aren’t into real estate and our kids live in a completely opposite direction”. I don’t think that’s “making a war”. We didn’t know FIL was deliberately not speaking to DH until this week. I think DH has tried every reasonable way to set a boundary on this and his father is PO’d that anyone presumes to do so. He could have easily just said “Oh, okay, if that’s how you see it”.
BIL could never afford to own both of these and is in no position to take over ownership and all of that assumes there is a will. DH and BIL are both fairly certain their parents have no will at all. In addition, they live on a ginormous sprawling property that is completely inundated with the items from their auction addiction.
But we digress 
How are the parents who are struggling doing this week? I was thinking about @Youdon_tsay today
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Wow, that’s a pretty harsh response if that’s all you said. Bizarre that the response is to get so angry that FIL is not speaking to your husband. Is this a normal reaction for your FIL?
You know, we’ve been treating my mom like she is rational, and most of the time she is. But sometimes she is completely illogical, even if everything is clearly explained to her, and it’s very simple. And she won’t change her mind, and she’ll stick to a completely made up story. Sometimes the story she makes up causes conflict and hurts my nieces feelings. She will hyperfocus on some trivial little thing that irritates her and go on and on about it. We finally realized that she wasn’t doing this intentionally, and it was all part of the dementia. My sister brought up this article about dealing with dementia, where the focus is, when they make these things up or have irrational ideas, is to Reassure, Respond, and Refocus. What is really sad is that my mom printed this out and posted it on her wall about three years ago in order to deal with my dad, and now we’re using that strategy on her. 
Is there any chance your FIL has mild dementia?
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Thanks for asking.
Ds2 flew in to see my mom so I ended up going back today to pick him up at the airport and get him to her rather than waiting to come up tomorrow. I’m glad that he wanted to see her, but I’m bummed to cut my time at home short.
Things seem status quo, except her skin is starting to break down in one place. 
The nurse trainee said it could be three more weeks! My sister was not happy about that. My sister took this week off anticipating mom’s passing, but she’s hanging in there. She was animated when ds2 talked to her and vocalizes, but we can’t understand her. He said that it’s jarring how she can’t speak but that she looks dignified. 
He never saw my dad in his final weeks so this is new to him.
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