A common thing (may or maybe not the case here) is to have a revocable/changeable trust when husband and wife still alive. Then after the first one passes it changes to irrevocable… ie money must be distributed within the parameters defined (usually family)…. ie not available for change. My understanding is that this prevents switchover to remarry-spouse, fraudulent attempts with elderly, etc.
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I got a copy of the trust. My sister and I are the beneficiaries.
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My son’s MIL is dealing with her father’s and grandfather’s trust right now, and it is a cluster. Vague wording leaves room for interpretation, and the lawyer who drew it up and others involved are really old, dead or incapacitated. She is going to have to drop some money and spend a lot of time figuring it all out.
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I’ve heard similar tales of woe from others. It’s one of the reasons that we opted to not set up a trust (free service with our paid FA). At least not yet - our situation is pretty simple. No grandkids, sigh.
Most of our assets would be handled via beneficiary designation (plus Will). The down side is that after both of us gone the house would need to go through probate. But.. probate not bad in CO. And there’s a good chance the house would be sold long before that.
I would’ve thought having a trust made things simpler, but I’m learning a lot from her. And her mom and the second dh just moved to be closer to his only child to a state with a hefty estate tax that no one was banking (no pun intended) on. And today she learns that the stepdad likely has had a stroke. They relocated literally last month, and the dd is in a bit of denial about how bad it all is. We all here can relate. So tough.
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I’d like to add that lawyers don’t seem to like other lawyers documents. Back in the fall, I thought that our lawyer had done a poor job (how do you spell Cincinnati? Georgia? Etc.)
We intervied other lawyers to review or clean up the document. At 200+ pages, it wasn’t worthwhile. We created a new trust that was only about 35 pages.
(Some lawyers will say, I’m $450 per hour and I can read 10 pages per hour).
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Today the postal service delivered a card from StepMom (92). It’s scraps of paper with names and addresses of relatives to add to her beneficiaries. And it says “Donna is my POA.”
My next call is to Donna.
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Do you think she expects that to be legally binding?
It reminds me of the fight Aretha Franklin’s heirs had. Scraps of paper with notes on them can really throw a wrench in things & drive a wedge between family members.
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I’ve had a long call with Donna and we reviewed what I understand of the (next) will to be created. We did the math on the heirs and created a list that we have sent to SMom —- and I now have teh OK and will send it all to the lawyer tomorrow.
Let’s hope this sticks and we can get all the documents done soon.
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That’s good progress. Ask the lawyer what other paperwork you need (names vary I think by state), like Medical POA and Healthcare proxy
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All details were sent to the lawyer today and he acknowledged receipt!
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My mom is being discharged from the step down unit to an assisted living facility sometime later this week. She talked with Preferred Sibling about her desire to do so rather than return to the house that is so much work for her, and so much worry for us. It seemed sincere and lucid so we are rolling with that. We initially thought to stall a bit to get organized more but the social worker at the hospital said you need to do this while there is a space for her there. Preferred Sibling will manage the payments and insurance; Local Sibling will keep an eye on the house (she doesn’t want to sell right now and we agree there’s no hurry) and I am returning from a trip to be left off for about a week to ferry her personal things across town as needed until we have a sense of furniture that makes sense to transfer. She’s unhappy about having a suite mate for now, but they can move her to a private space when one is available; as a resident she will have priority over any new resident. She needs PT/OT but the facility can do that as outpatient. It’s not a perfect place, but she’s been clear about wanting to stay in town.
She has long said her biggest worry is making us all rearrange our schedules and worry about her safety. So I recognize this as a choice she is making in part for us, her children, and I re-read a bunch of Being Mortal to remind myself that it is okay for her to want that. I was feeling a bit like we have failed her but DH said, no, failing is waiting until she falls, or until she is hungry, or until she is cognitively unable. This way, she can settle in and reacquaint herself with people she knows who are there. And still go and do groceries and haircuts with Local Sibling. It’s been a long 16 days but whoda thought we’d end up here.
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Glad to hear there is a reasonable plan in place. Good for you for referring back to “Being Mortal”. I read it at a friend’s recommendation before my parents declined, and it really got me thinking (about my own future too).
My sister just messaged me that my dad is in the hospital. His leg is badly infected. It’s been an ongoing problem.
Sis is in Chili, visiting her daughter. This is when it’s hard to be so far away.
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So sorry! It is hard to be across the country 
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I’m so sorry. There is never a good time for an emergency but this seems very hard for both you and your sister. Hope your own family is doing well enough that you could travel if it becomes necessary.
Hugs!
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Thank you both. I am thankful my dad has his lady friend. She’s a dear. She can’t drive but friends are taking her to the hospital frequently. And she’s good about staying in contact with my sister and me. I also had a classmate in grad school, a student of my dad’s, who is close to Dad and visits him often.
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@MaineLonghorn how is your dad?
My mom has had a difficult transition. The move from the hospital was chaotic – they sent her to skilled nursing, when she was supposed to be at personal care. They said discharge at 1:00, they didn’t discharge her until nearly 4, so when it was wrong it was hard to reach people to fix it. They called me and I was in traffic navigating my husband & I through Chicago! It was eventually fixed.
She has a shared room for 2 more days and then will have a single, which is a blessing. But she’s really cognitively impaired – stress? change? was there all along and she was better at masking it? She has already asked why she is there and couldn’t she just go home instead. Repeatedly says she is ready to just die and is tired of people saying she can’t. Today would have been her wedding anniversary and she has zero idea so we are not mentioning it.
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When my FIL moved from his home of decades, he went to IL, obviously. Ha! He had had such a long established routine in his own home that the move pointed out so many deficits. Some was stress, no doubt, but also there is no bandwidth to add new things to the schedule.
We moved him to AL within a couple of weeks. I think you give the transition a bit of time to settle, for the stress & panic to subside, then see where the parent is on the spectrum of coping.
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