DD is probably the only one of the two DILs and the two sons who have a really good idea of what it will take for her MIL and FIL to make the ‘big move’ from their home (which has not been well maintained) to the community living (be it IL or AL near where their one son and DIL live). SIL did not get as much stuff ‘done’ as desired during his almost two week stay. Stayed over an extra day. The parents need to make more efforts - which may or may not get done. No idea on their timeline to actually move. There is a combination of stubbornness and helplessness; desire to stay independent yet are now getting to where they will dread and hate the move because they have ‘run out of time’ in their present situation.
Thanks for asking. I waited to post, hoping to know more. His leg is a little more swollen and he has a lot of excess fluid. His heart isn’t functioning great, but they think once they drain the fluid he will do better. He said his lady friend has been so helpful - she asks the doctors good questions and remembers what they say. My sister is still in Chile - I just found out her daughter is getting married tomorrow! Like our son, she is marrying her foreign boyfriend legally to get the process started for him to come to the US. They will have a wedding at some point. He sounds like a wonderful guy. 
One other note: Dad said “Love you” on the phone to me last night. It worries me a little because he’s said it only once to me in recent memory, when he knew I’d gone above and beyond helping him when he was so ill in 2020. I know he does love me, but he just doesn’t say it. It choked me up.
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They are recommending short-term small dose anti-anxiety meds for my mom, who twice now has had a panic attack (she thinks it is her back or her heart, but it is clearly a panic attack) at the end of the day. They will leave it up to us and will discuss which one when and if we all agree it might help the transition. Thanks in advance for the benefit of everyone’s experience since my father only had ativan and that was at hospice.
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My mom is on an anti anxiety/antidepressant. (After about a year she graduated to needing anti psychotic drug as well).
The point of one’s last years imho is quality of life. If the meds will make her happier and less anxious they will make her remaining time more enjoyable.
So I say “better living through chemistry!”
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My mother’s PCP told her that anti-depressant would make her more likely to fall and she didn’t need it. I could have strangled her - it took YEARS to get my mom to even consider the possibility. But of course she listened to the doctor who has no idea over us. I think an ant-depressant or anti-anxiety med would improve her life immeasurably but she’s deathly afraid of falling plus the doc said she didn’t need it 
. If you can get a parent to take it - do it!
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I don’t want to give PCP a hard time because having a good PCP is important, despite the paradigm change. I would be very frustrated with PCP on the antidepressant situation. It probably is not where you can get your mom to see a psychiatrist either. PCP do respect the specialists on meds related to their specialty.
We have to go to urgent care instead of PCP because he doesn’t keep any room in his schedule for ‘work ins’. I failed to ask him if he sees hospital patients now that there are Hospitalists at the local hospitals (DH and I have only had outpatient stuff w/o overnight hospital stays). PCP will fill DH’s Atorvastatin, but the other 3 meds he relies on cardiologist to have filled. DH sometimes has ‘white coat syndrome’ where his BP will go high. I was out of town for his cardiology visit, and had a list for DH to make sure about with seeing this cardiologist. Well, DH’s BP was 142/90 and the MD changed the dosage of one one the meds. I called the cardiologist’s office today, and relayed what his BPs have been with his PCP office, the prior cardiology office, what his BP is at home. I am waiting for call back from the NP at cardiologist’s office. DH has to go in for an Echocardiogram later this month, but doesn’t see the MD. His cardiologist is busy, and DH’s was seen almost 2 hours after his appointment (not uncommon for this MD to run behind by an hour). Before DH had his cataract surgeries in April, his BP was 147/90 pre-surgery and then 126/74 at home; other cataract same thing BP 159/84 pre-surgery.
For the same pharmacy day pick-up, the pharmacy had filled two different doses of same medication, one was for 25 mg and the other was for 50 mg (this was the medication that MD had changed). Each one was with our payment of $12. DH picked up (when I was out of town) – otherwise I would have questioned at the counter and actually rejected both as we have plenty of that medication at home. DH went from 50 mg, to 25 mg (so split the pills), then 25 mg, then half of 25 mg pill (pill has score mark, there is no pill for 12.5 mg - one has to split the 25 mg pill).
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or maybe this belongs in the bereavement thread?
A couple of weeks ago, Dad and stepmom agreed to sell the house, etc.
Whoa Nelly, she’s trying to change those plans. She says she’s been railroaded.
This Thursday, her niece and an attorney will meet with her to sign her Will, POA, and medical POA. I won’t be there but I have communicated with the attorney. I do not stand to benefit from anything and completely support having good documents.
I live 6 hours away and am making the weekend trip to keep things moving based on recent conversations. They have been in AL since winter. Dad is slipping into dementia and SMom has had two breaks, has no balance, and is almost 100% wheelchair bound.
I have an appointment with the estate sale person they told me to meet, but suddenly SMom is pulling back, using words like railroaded and saying that their current living situation doesn’t seem right enough to be the final one. (Yes, jokes could be made).
We have contractors working on the house and are coordinating with a real estate agent to get the most needed work done.
SMom doesn’t understand they really do need to sell the house. Their cash flow isn’t enough when you now add AL costs and over $20k in medical care this year.
I get that she doesn’t “want” these decisions made. She also doesn’t want to make these decisions. She texted about me to her niece and copied me, saying I just like to get things done. (Actually, that’s one of my strengths — plus I don’t want to spend my free time on this).
I’ve had extensive conversations with her niece who seems to understand (1) they need the house money sooner rather than later, and (2) if Dad goes first, their aunt will be able to leave the joint account and house funds to them. (3) I’ve also explained that having the house sold before one of them passes will mean that the survivor’s POA will only have to deal with bank accounts, not selling and cleaning out a house.
In the end, the niece and I are planning to meet the estate sale person Saturday morning, and then will meet with my father and wife TOGETHER to see what ideas they have for wrapping this up. (This is complicated by the fact that my brother, who is my father’s POA, doesn’t want to acknowledge or tell them they don’t have enough cash).
&&& Aside &&&
She also wants me to take them out to dinner this weekend but I am very hesitant to try to move her from her wheelchair to a car. I left a message with AL to see if they have a staffer who would like to go to dinner.
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Wow - that sounds difficult. Sending hugs.
I assume the house is in both of their names, but if not… there may need to be discussion about how to designate the house proceeds.
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Transferring a person from wheelchair to vehicles can be challenging. You are wise to be cautious!
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Dad is still in the hospital this morning. It’s been about 12 days, I think. Friday through yesterday afternoon, he was waiting for insurance approval to move to a rehab facility. He got the approval mid-afternoon and THEN they tell him the doctor was ordering one more CT scan! What?? You had three days to do that? So his move got delayed until today. Hope it happens.
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Sometimes the additional tests are a request/requirement of the accepting facility.
Fingers crossed for a successful transfer.
Hugs to you.
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isn’t it frustrating? My mom had overlapping bloodwork and I was explaining to all the doctors, they all nodded understanding — and a few days into the AL facility, we discover the bloodwork was never done and I’m scrambling all over again.
It was the hospital, trying to help by maximizing Medicare benefits. We are trying to keep my mom’s finances very very quiet and I guess we did too good a job (my mom is one of those elderly people who will pass away and town will be astonished by what she’s worth financially)
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TBH, I’m happy I’m 2,500 miles away and Sis has to deal with all of it. Ugh. I think I still have PTSD from 2019/2020 during my dad’s hospitalizations.
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that’s a real thing – you spend some time taking care of you while you can
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I’ve decided that I’m drawing a line in the sand at the idea of providing or planning transportation for SMom. I’m 64, on the smaller side, with a couple of seemingly minor orthopedic issues that I do not wish to challenge.
Older brother thinks that she needs to go home from AL to look at her things. Good idea, but I am not planning or executing or supervising this one.
That same brother agrees the house should be sold but also is also fully empathetic that she wants to live at home. That’s nice. (Sorry — I can’t spend time thinking about the impossible.)
She’s signing her new documents today. Her niece and I will meet on Saturday to look at the contents of the house. We will meet with the Estate Sale person. I’ll meet with a real estate agent (who is supervising the house repairs), I’ll sign the documents for a storage unit, I’ll move financial documents to the storage unit.
I’ll take my Dad to the Post office and the bank. [There’s a lesson here somewhere. Brother can’t be bothered with the USPS and I don’t hold the POA so I have to take Dad in person to get the mail forwarded. The bank won’t play nice with the POA so my brother has to go to the bank more often than you would think necessary]
I’ll be packing my bags during the debate tonight, planning to be on the road early tomorrow. 6-7 hours and I’ll be there!
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Good luck and hugs!
PS. I think you can do the mail forwarding on line for the USPS. That’s what I did for my parents.
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<<I’ll take my Dad to the Post office and the bank. [There’s a lesson here somewhere. Brother can’t be bothered with the USPS and I don’t hold the POA so I have to take Dad in person to get the mail forwarded. The bank won’t play nice with the POA so my brother has to go to the bank more often than you would think necessary]>>
This paragraph needs further discussion —
The entire POA process has been ultimately challenging. Dragging my elderly and “not quite with it Dad” to the bank is far more efficient!
The bank is M&T. At every step and with each account, the POA document has been treated separately. They will not globally apply the POA document across all of the accounts with the same account ownership names. For example, the POA was accepted for the checking account, and it was a separate process to get the POA accepted for the M&T associated Visa card. We were just notified that there was a $10K CD expiring now — same names as the checking account and the Visa card. They won’t roll the CD into the checking account without a new series of signatures. It will be easier for me to take my father to the bank again.
During the past few months, I took my Dad to a credit union to close an account. At M&T we needed to close a Trust account and open an account for the LLC. (The LLC was created out of the Trust properties). We opened one more account to accept the fund directly for Dad without SMom in the event it is needed for a certain business transaction. I took Dad to the bank for that one also. And now, it is one more issue to get an associated credit card for the LLC!
For us, the next generation to need this help, how do we set our documents and expectations for financial institutions to get rid of this onerous process. How can we put our kids on the accounts so they can help, without causing tax or estate planning issues?
I’m having lunch today with an old friend, who is a just-retired Elder-Care Attorney. I’ll share any tidbits I learn!!
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Good luck @Mom22039, you have had a lot going on!
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