Oh, that’s rough. I am so sorry for your loss – we can be ready and yet never be ready enough.
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My mom has been talking about leaving the AL facility (she’s been here about a month, following a hospitalization ).
She has a second UTI, different than the one that put her in the hospital. That being said, we are having trouble telling if she wants to go home, or if she is afraid they will send her home when she “gets better”. She is one of the very few independant walkers in the personal care wing; others have walkers and there is a whole skilled nursing wing besides. She thinks this is proof thatshe doesn’t belong. On topof that, her LTHC company is resisting coverage since she isn’t disabled enough, according to them. (She does not know this, the fight is not over yet) She doesn’t seem unhappy, she seems worried.
I don’t want to change the subject (Local Sib tactic) or assume I know what she wants (Preferred Sib) . Otoh, thinking clearly is hard sometimes for her. DH reminds me often that what Mom wants and what is best for her are going tokeep diverging as she ages. Sigh.
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Does the AL facility know that the LTC company is balking? The staff at MIL’s facility was really helpful when she was going through qualification for her claim.
yes, they do, and they have been very helpful with the paperwork. In Mom’s case, she doesn’t need the insurance to pay a cent, but after a lifetime of paying premiums we certainly feel like she is owed it. We went through the same thing with my dad last year, but he had entered hospice so that’s a different case altogether.
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Greenbutton and all: Are your comfortable sharing the name of LTC companies that make it hard to qualify? I think that should be spread to all of us that either have our own coverage, or have parents with coverage. Even more important for anyone wanting to buy coverage.
I heard a story of a company that refused coverage because parent did not meet the category of being unable to feed themselves. (hear-say only, so do not have the company name). Parent could not plan, prepare, or serve a meal to themselves, but they could lift spoon to mouth. Per insurance, that meant they could feed themself. AAUUGGHH.
It infuriates me that they make it so hard, and I think these companies need to be called out.
Many (most?) LTC policies require recipient to be incapable of at least 2 ADL. And yes, a common example that I hear is that “Eating” means needing actual spoon to mouth help. (I feel like the criteria was less stringent for hospice situation, but not sure if always true.)
from Google search:
ADLs stands for Activities of Daily Living, which are the basic personal care tasks that people need to do on their own to live independently. These activities include:
- Bathing or showering
- Dressing
- Getting in and out of bed or a chair
- Walking
- Using the toilet
- Eating
FIL had one company. It was really hard getting him approved, but the problem was his doctor, not the insurer. The doctor was not helpful - he seemed to think that my FIL, who had been working incredibly hard to minimize the effects of Parkinson’s for years, was somehow just fine when he got to the point of needing assistance with showering and dressing. Of course, my in laws would not switch doctors because they’d had that yahoo for years.
MIL was already in an independent living situation in a facility that could easily accommodate assisted living needs (they had done so for FIL, who had passed away by that point). She has a different company than FIL had. The staff at the facility was awesome, and she was being cared for by a nurse practitioner associated with the facility - they helped pave the way for her, and it wasn’t too stressful to get her approved.
In the two cases, I’m not sure that the insurance company itself was or wasn’t stonewalling. The doctor was a problem for FIL, and the staff was a huge help for MIL.
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Users are welcome to share specifics via DM, but such details are not allowed in the forums.
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I don’t think I need any advice but maybe just support.
My in laws are having trouble keeping up with the day to day tasks of staying in their home. We live 2 hours away, they have a son who is local.
I’m not sure of the specifics but the local child has had words with his parents about moving, they are digging their heels in and he’s decided not to help out. Or at least very minimal help and my mil will not ask so effectively he doesn’t help out.
My in laws also don’t want to hire a handyman for any tasks saying that they can’t find good help. The fact is that they are very exacting and cheap so they don’t want to pay.
Yesterday my mil calls. She wants to replace the mesh on their lawn chairs. They did them before , my ex sil ordered the material but that was at least a decade ago.
I live 2 hours away. My husband is going Monday and can show them the fabric which we can then order. But can they replace the mesh? Doubtful. My husband will have to make another trip, 4 hours round trip.
I guess I’m frustrated because this is how all the tasks they used to do go now. It’s been a whole thing trying to get a part for their pool that is still not open. My husband called, found the parts to be told that they didn’t want to fix the pool. It’s too expensive and the pool was fine until this year.
Rinse and repeat. My husband keeps having the conversation that they need to get a handyman. It doesn’t go anywhere! They say they don’t want to put more money into the house because they don’t know how long they will be there. All while digging those heels in about moving.
I’m a bit at the end of my rope. They aren’t my parents so that tough love conversation isn’t mine to give. The boys aren’t in any mood to have any more drama.
There is plenty of money. Plenty. Getting them to spend it is painful.
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Just want to send a big hug! I can relate to digging in the heels, not wanting to spend money, and being oblivious to what it puts on your H’s shoulders, and your family. I’m sorry!
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Sending support. 
You didn’t ask for advice but my COMMENT is, when they call hand the phone to your husband, pull up your Target app, order two new chairs at 50%off and head out the door for a walk so you don’t have to listen and get steamed up!
Seriously, I would be at wits end too
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Been there, done that. I sympathize for sure. My dad was able to take care of everything forever and when he finally couldn’t he was happy to give US directions on how to do things. We tried our best to help him but it gets old very fast. Our problem is that his house was/is old and getting things fixed wasn’t a matter of just calling someone. You needed someone willing to work with him and actually knew how to fix older appliances or repair things–it was difficult to find parts and newer fittings don’t fit. It was frustrating.
One suggestion is to get on Next Door for your parent’s area and ask for recommendations for a Handy man. They do exist but most are very busy.
It’s funny (not really but I had to laugh) because the patio chairs needed new webbing which I got but it would’ve been cheaper and better to buy a used set than mess with it.
I think he insisted on the set because it was sentimental in some way.
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That’s what I try to do.
They called during lunch yesterday. Only ever on my phone. Because calling is apparently women’s responsibility 
I had my husband call on his phone and then she was irritated because my fil has my husband cell connected to his hearing aids and they can’t figure out how to switch over. It’s a process!
Because my husband can’t look up things on Amazon , she wanted to talk to me to order something I know nothing about. And I’m not going to be there Monday only my husband is.
The husband has it in hand. But there are a million different colors that he has to consult with his mother about and then I get to order. From Amazon.
You can’t even imagine how buying a new smart tv went!
I do feel bad because my mil will do nothing technical because she doesn’t want to. Not because she couldn’t but because she’s too stubborn.
Next door is a good idea. My mil won’t do anything technical and we aren’t local but I wonder if we can look at next door in her town.
Their fence is rotted and falling down. My husband has already fixed it twice.
I finally got annoyed the last time we were there and told them the house would not sell with a rotted falling down fence. They might as well get it replaced and enjoy it. Because we would have to replace it before we put it on the market!
They might call this fall when things get less busy
Well, because you don’t want advice I’ll zip my lips and offer a virtual (((hug))).
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I wouldn’t say I don’t want any advice. At this point idk what advice there is.
After 40 years I think everyone is entrenched in their roles and behavior.
I am trying to let my husband deal with his parents as he lets me deal with my mother. But his mother has other ideas that try as I might. She is determined to follow gender stereotypes. But she wants me to do the work without giving any advice.
That’s what frustrates me the most I think.
This sounds super frustrating, but I can’t imagine anything you yourself can do to make these people act more sensibly.
You could order the chairs, they won’t like them anywayand then you’ve spent the money, not them. You can find a handyman, but now you are the concierge for every fix, and persuading them that the fence is worth $$ to fix. They don’t think they’ll ever need to move, so they don’t care about the resale. Am I close?
My inlaws are a lot like this. Lots of deep breaths, repeat “that sounds hard, but we talked about you getting help for things like this” and set your own boundaries : x phone calls a day. DH only comes for health and safety trips. You can’t teach them a lesson, you can’t make them see reason, but you can take a step back from the chaos. Maybe. You sound like you are doing the best you can in a bad spot.
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Exactly – the ADLs rule the day.
However, our LTC policy makes a distinction between “can” and “should”. Mom “can” go down a flight of stairs, slowly, with a handrail. In her house where she lives alone. They find that acceptable bc she “can” and whether she “should” is immaterial. She “can” take a shower on her own, but shouldn’t without someone nearby. Their current argument is that when she fell two weeks ago, she didn’t break anything so she’s not in need of care. Her osteo is absolutely furious , god love her.
My folks bought these policies ages ago, probably 40 years ago. Ithas unlimited dollar amounts and several other things no longer offered, and with Dad they fought mightily to restrict the dollar amount until the county advocate offered to sue for breach of contract. (Dad could do zero of the ADLs)
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Here’s my tactic–great! WE (them included) need a fence and want to get it done now rather than later. This project won’t disappear. Not only cheaper but you’ll get some use from it.
I literally turned everything into “it’s all about ME! Not you! Do it for ME!” Didn’t always work (and then I’d get a decent real reason or concern) but I found my dad would do things for his kids that he wouldn’t necessarily do for himself.
You can end up in charge of some projects you don’t want–but you’ll inherit them anyway at some point probably (like the fence).
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