One of the biggest issues is that they don’t want to hire anything done but also are having trouble doing the things they used to.
I’ve been smiling to myself. My husband has stepped up doing things for his parents and making trips to their house. They keep telling us how they’ve saved and how he will inherit this money tax free.
For his birthday, they sent their usual $100 check! And although he is the financial POA, he still hasn’t met their advisor. They are 89 and 88.
It’s their mentality but they can’t spend it on themselves and they aren’t gifting any either. My husband (neither do I) doesn’t mind but I guess they could gift a little more than $100 and paying us back for the $10 parts we’ve ordered from amazon for them.
It’s really hard for elderly people who earned pre-inflation salaries to pay today’s rates for helpers…. especially if the housework/whatever is not deemed up to their standards. Trying to stash away these observations and hope that I will be reasonable about hiring help if needed in later years.
Have you tried an allowance? As part of my mom’s monthly financial report from Preferred, there is a line item of " spent as I wished on myself" , a sort of mental allowance. She can see that even if she spends $40 on cloth, or $30 on Halloween cards, or gasp both of those, she still has plenty of money to pay her bills and STILL have plenty left over. Nobody actually keeps track of her spending, but the line item seems to comfort her as something that has been accounted for.
Her concern is that they saved all this time to leave us all money. Which none of us need or want, but it is what she wants. So Preferred shows her where the investments are kept separately from her checking account – she couldn’t spend the investments down without a bunch of paperwork. We also perpetually remind her that she has plenty, and if she somehow ran out, she’d come live with me. Sometimes they just need to contemplate the worst case and know there’s a plan for that, too.
This post is about an older former coworker (ie not a parent), who was in memory care. After a long ordeal in the hospital he is now enrolled in hospice and headed home with his wife (also a friend). Thought I’d start a discussion of ways to support friends/family caring for a hospice patient. My first tip to her, based on experience with my mom (during early Covid) was to start a notebook with names and notes. I dealt with over a dozen hospice workers (in person and by phone), wished I had started such a notebook.
I do know that hospice programs and patient conditions vary a great deal. Still thought there might be some hive-mind general wisdom here that can help me and others (now and down the road).
IMO the best way to support friends who are the primary caregiver for in home hospice is to give them a break. Stay with the patient so they can get out of the house and do some self care.
My dad was in hospice and my mom is now in AL. My tip is don’t call the family. If you want to check in, do it snail mail or text (and even the number of texts is often overwhelming). Give them some space to be normal.
And don’t , for the love of God, ask “what can we do”. Don’t give them another task. Just do it – whatever. Bring breakfast. Come wash dishes. (if you aren’t comfortable helping, you aren’t really close enough to help). Walk the dog. Mow the lawn. Leave a post it note on the front door with a message (this was lovely for my mom, as it required nothing of her). And hospice can be days, or weeks, or months. Stay in it for the long haul. People show up all distressed at first, and a year later are telling us we ought to be "better " or “over it by now”.
I did that too, from my dad’s initial accident. I noted all doctor’s visits, kept a list of questions for new visits, insurance fights everything. It was very handy.
My dad’s friend had Parkinson’s with dementia. My dad told the wife that he would stay with his friend at least once a week so that the wife could have a break. He had a set day , but he also wanted it to be flexible so that she would not feel that she couldn’t ask him to come over if something came up. He would change the day if she wanted, or he would do his usual day + an additional day if something came up that she wanted to do. She was reluctant at first, but she soon got over feeling like she was imposing on him.
Mow the lawn, rake the leaves. Take something off their plate, or make the house look nicer to come home to. ( had a fantasy someone would go in the house make the beds, do the dishes, perhaps a load of laundry…)
We had family friends actually do this — they asked for a house key, let themselves in while we were at the hospital, and cleaned the house.
Of course that is a big ask for people who don’t want to be in the way. But giving someone a house key can turn out to be really helpful in and of itself.
If the funds are available, we got together with friends, and gave a gift certificate to house-cleaning services (by a reputable company). Could be for a day, or several (depending on finances), but the recipient could then hire them when best needed, and fit their schedule.
Not just hard for elderly people - DH sometimes has a lack of awareness of what things cost. We are not to the point of hiring much help out yet, but household items, grocery items, he often is shocked on prices. I keep informing him of various prices to increase his reference base.
One thing about parents caring for parents and selling a parents’ home (which may have had some neglect and need focused work to clean and stage for selling) - make sure to have up to date information on the home’s market. A seasoned realtor can guide one through the decisions to be made. I see often many realtors who are ready for their commission and perhaps have family put the house up for sale quickly and maybe a quick price obtained but not what is best for homeowner. The right kind of repairs, the right timing of home placed on the market, the correct staging, the sales work (open house, listing information) can perhaps allow the correct time to transpire and the best price. In a high tax area, weighing that into the equation.
She moved near my sibling and it’s not going well. My sibling was telling me that she was nearer my children so it would be great.
The problem is that we are busy and then our kids are busy. I make plans to see all of them and mom can’t do it then. So now I’m seeing mom separately and trying to reconfigure our trip to the kids over thanksgiving.
My sibling thought that mom should be near family instead of near her friends where she had a big support system. My husband and I were very against that but mom has her own mind and moved.
Now mom is homesick and miserable, my sibling thinks mom should be grateful for her help. Both are being a pain. I have a strained relationship with my sibling and every time I give them an inch, they take a mile. Add to that my sibling has a chronically ill child who needs lots of attention and it’s hard!
My sibling thinks that taking mom to her many doctor appointments should be enough and mom is flailing and not wanting to put herself out there to acclimate to her new independent living place.
It’s a whole mess and I’m sad because mom and I had a good thing going. Yes she wasn’t near but she was so happy. I thought it was working out. For right now and it wasn’t the time to move. Maybe later but right now wasn’t my choice.
Add to that my mil is lashing out because my fil’s health and mobility is declining by the month. She’s mad because he’s ruining all her plans to stay in their house. Which by god, she is not going to leave. We did get her to agree to put up a railing on the front porch. Ordered one that was acceptable on amazon. Recommended by a kind poster here.
Between all these elders and the upcoming election, I’m a mess!
A good friend today asked me if I would help her kids liquidate her belongings if she dies before me. It wasn’t a conversation I expected, but of course I said I would help. I have good connections with several places that either consign or take donations…after the family takes what they would like to have.
This has been conveyed to her executor who has my contact information.
I hope it’s a LONG time before this favor is called in!
I posted this here to note that in some families, the kids just don’t want to or are unable to do these tasks for their elders.
I went to a 90th birthday celebration this week for a former neighbor who is in assisted living.
One of the celebrants is kicking and screaming staying in their home. It’s not safe, everyone knows it’s not safe but they will not leave.
The wife didn’t drive for years but the husband had a stroke so now she is. The kids tried really hard to get them to move somewhere, anywhere but they will not budge.
The husband had a medical appointment 100 miles away. The wife called her son, he told her that he had things to do and to get one of her friends to drive them.
I personally think the family is quite dysfunctional for many reasons. A neighbor was going to drive them. Not every family is willing or able to help out in a way that is beneficial.
I say all this because I somehow know more than a few people in my mom’s age group. They are all stubborn and difficult.
My sibling thinks that only mom is being difficult. That’s far from the case.
In my husband’s family, one sibling offered to have the parents live near them. There were issues even when they moved, but it was good to have someone nearby in case needed.
That sibling really does need a break every so often, and a well deserved one. But the sibling makes plans and then tells the other siblings when they need to be there. It’s really rather inconsiderate to do it this way, in my opinion. But it’s not my family. We live a six hour drive away…it’s not like it’s around the corner.
The son in that example may be setting boundaries so his parents see their situation isn’t sustainable. 100 mile drive to the MD vs being in an AL with medical staff on hand. Sometimes well meaning friends can actually make the situation more complicated for family trying to move things along to a safer living situation. (Ask me how I know ;)).
I put the dysfunctional part in because I think there are issues
My sibling called after mom was there for a month and asked me to drive 28 hours round trip because “mom was driving them crazy”. My husband said no. My sibling then called my child because they didn’t get an answer they liked
I’m trying but I also don’t like being put in the middle of a situation.
DS1 and his wife were here for the weekend and telling us about her paternal grandparents. The grandfather had been in a slow, long decline, and the grandmother refused help. Any kind. Because things got so bad for the grandfather, he ended up in the hospital and then in rehab. They have managed to talk the wife into staying with him in a one-bedroom place in town “for now.” He is doing so much better in this facility – more interaction, someone to ensure he’s taking his medication and he’s getting real meals. They feel bad that everyone had let this go on for so long, but the sibling who lives near them was all about giving them agency. Anyway, I’m glad that, for now anyway, we have the kind of relationship where we can talk openly about these things. We walked them through our finances and showed that we hope to not be a burden on them.