We have had the same discussions about making the move to a community with multiple levels of care around that age. I will not do to my daughter what my parents did to us. H is on board too since he had a front row seat.
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My mil has always had a plan to move to a home that she was on the board. Always. When she got old
Sheās 88 now and declares that she doesnāt feel old.
Itās my fil whoās failing with his mobility and memory. My mil is furious that heās ruining things.
It stinks to get old and I think you are always in denial about it, until itās almost too late
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The spouse being mad that their partner is ruining things ā¦ I saw it with my dad & with my MIL. Both were in loving marriages, but it was as if they thought that somehow their partner could just snap out of it if they tried hard enough. It was sad to watch - and it led to ongoing discussions with my H about how we need to approach the future. He used to say that we could get a chairlift for our stairs if need be. He now realizes that if we need a chairlift, we actually need a smaller (one floor) place with less upkeep both inside and outside. We are slowly (and I do mean slowly!) trying to Swedish Death Clean so that we can move when necessary with as little effort as possible. We have discussed what we like and donāt like about the various senior living places we have visited (where family & friends live).
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A friendās friend in her 60s said that when she was 80 that she was selling the house and her car and moving into a CCRC near one of her kids. And thatās exactly what she did. She didnāt ask the kids what they thought ā¦ she just did it. I have no idea how she picked which kid to live near, probably weather. I admire that.
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There are so many factors as you age, it would be hard to pick an age (especially for couples like usā¦ my husband is 7 years older). My 97 year old Dad is really too old to be in his house with so many stairs, but age 80 would have been way too young for him and his wife (much younger) to leave a house and neighborhood they love.
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My sister and her husband are downsizing - they close on a brand new, smaller house in a couple of weeks. They were the primary workers getting my parents out of the big multi-level home 10 years ago and again last year from the smaller rambler into a senior living apartment. They swore they would not do that to their children.
The house they chose has everything on one level except for 2 guest bedrooms and a bath. The HOA takes care of the small front yard and the back is only deck and flowerbeds. They are active healthy 70 year olds, but know how quickly that can change.
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@dragonmom Curious: Is the home chosen by your sister in a senior community, or just happens to be a landominium style neighborhood (separate homes but HOA yard care)?
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I think it all has to do with ADL (activities of daily living) and a driver in the house. Sometimes being in a community that is easier to drive around (25 mph small town like my hometown) versus a city which has a lot more challenging driving conditions.
DH relies on my knowledge and keeping on track with his medical appointments - if he didnāt have me, he most certainly would be a minimalist on health care and then perhaps some kind of crisis. DH is very disciplined on his walk/jogging, does our yard work etc.
Since he was complimented on his grass, he is putting in extra effort - got rid of some pesky weeds with treatment, did a dethatching, and is going to put down the winter grass seed that has our front lawn looking great over winter months (we are in a southern state). He will time the pre-emergence weed treatment and uses our in-ground sprinkler system as needed. If DH dies and we are still in this house, I will be out of it with the best timing to sell the house for the market - and hire whatever help and lawn service to keep the yard looking great until selling (DH does a better job that lawn service companies). During a few years that DH had so much international travel that we hired a lawn service (for weed treatment) and sometimes hired to have the lawn mowed, lawn didnāt look as good as it does under DHās care.
Some people have bad declining health earlier than others.
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@kjofkw , I hadnāt heard that term before, but it fits! This isnāt a senior community, just small lots. The new owners seem split between very young families and empty nesters.
Itās about 2 miles from the senior community where our mom lives.
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In the āitās always somethingā department : Mom passed her latest scrutiny for a UTI (she has been clear for almost two whole weeks now) and then last night she messaged with the news that everyone was receiving meals in their rooms and the staff had masks on.
They are so understaffed, I donāt know how theyāll manage this for very long (they donāt have meal aides ā the care staff do that, too)
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me again, just a vent ā- we are visiting S/DiL and planned also see FiL/MiL. FiL says no, donāt come,sheās sick. We are told sheās been sick at least 2 weeks, was on antibiotics, isnāt getting better, canāt get out of bed. Pneumonia. Sheās 82.
Last night DH called over to say on our way home weāll just stop and wave from the sidewalk.FiL says no,sheās too sick for even that. There is a discussion about urgent care or ER (thereās been one doctor look at her in 3 weeks). FiL says flatly āIām not doing thatā and DH says okay weāll just stop and wave anyway and FiL angrily hangs up.
But wait thereās more! I chat w myBiL ,who reveals that my FiL believes that since I āput my mother in a homeā that I am trying to get my in-laws put away. Illuminating, and crazy pants.
So we are just going home. I feel badly for DH, who just wanted to see his mom.
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@greenbutton oye! Iām sorry that the in laws are being so stubborn. It would have been nice for your husband to see his mom.
My mil called last night, she had to call EMS because my fil decided he couldnāt walk.
Friday they got their Covid and flu shots. Yesterday my mil went to a funeral, she got home at 1 pm, my fil said he hadnāt eaten yet today. So she made him food but later he said he couldnāt walk. After a few hours! And called the neighbor, they decided to call EMS.
Mil called her other son who was visiting one of his kids to come because she was watching their dog.
Apparently my fil was dehydrated. An IV of fluids and he was sent home.
I will not argue with my husband but my in laws donāt drink much at all. Of course my mil told my husband that my fil drinks a lot of sugar free lemonade. Iām guessing that he had a cup of coffee in the morning and maybe a tiny cup of lemonade later. My husband, the ostrich, thinks his mother is always correct told me that his mom says his dad is drinking plenty of liquids. My eyes when Iām there donāt support that.
Again not my circus.
They just got their pool filled in so they can stay in their home. Iām not sure at this point, my fil could do independent living, but will have to move to assisted living at some point in the not too distant future.
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My MIL lives in a very very nice continuing care community. It has everything from independent living to a memory car unitā¦all part of the community.
She lives in an independent house, but really canāt do anything for herself (no cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, dressing, taking medicationsā¦). There are caregivers during the day but not overnight. She falls frequently, and there are mornings the caregivers come and itās clear she hasnāt slept either.
But one sibling insists that MIL be in this independent living house. And itās the sibling who lives nearby.
Itās not a good situation, in my opinion, but itās also not my family.
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A good article on a topic often raised here - telling a parent they should no longer drive.
The doctor in our family just keeps kicking the can down the road regarding driving. Says āletās talk about that the next time I see youā. This has been going on for over four years. The car is in the garage, but the keys are nowhere to be foundā¦in the house. And the battery is dead.
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Sorry that I canāt remember everyoneās details ā¦ how far away do you and BIL live from the in-laws?
I would INSIST that someone get eyes on them ASAP. I have multiple horror stories that I wonāt share about the āhealthyā one taking care of the āsickā one, but the healthy one is losing it themselves and no longer has the judgment to care for their partner. And the partner doesnāt want to be judged because the partner knows this isnāt a good situation. Is she eating? How did the doctor see her? The time to allow them agency is over, IMO. Sorry for being so blunt.
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One if the best things about my parents going to a CCRC that they chose was having a dining room that my dad was convinced was fully paid for every month so he made sure they got all their meals very day with lots of beverages ā juices, water and soup. They never had dehydration or weakness from skipping meals once they lived there. Before that, i think sometimes they neglected to eat & drink beverages regularly, despite frequent visits by us and other relatives.
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I will hang around on this thread, but my time/issues around caregiving are almost over.
Friday, we closed on my momās house. My brother and his wife spent much of the last week cleaning out the disaster of a garage ā the garage I started working on years ago but was rebuffed by my brother at almost every turn. I feel kind of bad leaving it to them, but this is a bed that they made. My sister and I offered to have the estate at least pay movers to relocate all the stuff to my brotherās barn, but he refused to do that as he didnāt trust anyone else touching the stuff. What am I to do? So I stayed home and drove up for the night before closing so that the next morning I could go see the house alone and to say goodbye.
Imagine my surprise when the buyer and his Realtor showed up! I thought that they had done the walkthrough the night before. Anyway, it was awkward, but I was so happy to meet the buyer. He was handsome and swole, as the kids say, and he is engaged and this is going to be their first home. He said that when he saw it āhe knew it was the one.ā I was so excited to share that with my sibs. I really wanted a young couple to move in and raise a family, just like my parents did, rather than sell to a flipper.
When this whole thing started, I had a bottom-line number I wanted to make from the sale. I hit it and got an extra $233.53! lol Iāve done the math on how to divvy up the checking and savings accounts and will be able to gift most of the money this year. I will be so glad to have this chapter closed.
I have to admit that now that we are here I am better able to breathe and, I hope, be more clear-eyed in terms of assessing my relationships with my siblings. I never felt particularly close to my sister, but I had a good relationship with my brother. His wife, however, has been quite rude to me so that has put a crimp in my desire to see them. I think just not having this forced closeness of caring for our parents and then dealing with the estate will really help.
ETA: Thanks to everyone on this thread for being a support for myself and others. This is the best use of cc, in my opinion.
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I donāt disagree with any of that and donāt think thatās blunt, just honest ā- but we have no power or leverage. We are 3.5 hrs away, BiL is 1.5 away. They refuse to move. Wonāt downsize. No estate plan. We have no idea who their doctors are or who they saw, and thereās nobody to send to look at them (which was the point of us stopping).
Thereās not much we can do but make suggestions and get hung up on for it.
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I got a call yesterday at 4:30 p.m. from the AL unit where my dad lives. They ālostā him for several hours after lunch. Apparently he was able to leave the building and traverse the skyway and subway system in Rochester MN to the lobby of the Kahler Hotel. It was a Saturday and the Mayo Clinic is closed, so no one saw him. He crossed the skyway, took elevators into the subway, and then got himself into the hotel lobby. He said he was waiting for a taxi to take him to a basketball game. He thought he was in Minneapolis. Iām just amazed he got as far as he did, because he did it in his wheelchair and I didnāt think he had the strength. The staff found him by calling him on his cell phone, which, thank God, he had (sometimes he forgets it and lets it charge down).
Anyway he is back safe and sound, but this is a new concern and might trigger a move out of AL and into a locked unit. They put a āwander guardā bracelet on him. In AL, heās not in a locked unit and he has the right to go where he pleases. But heās not aware of time or place anymore, and itās dangerous. The wife of one his friends wandered out of her dementia unit (not this facility that Dad is in) and froze to death on a Minnesota winter night. It is very concerning. My sister is going out for Thanksgiving and we will put an Apple AirTag on his chair. I thought he lacked the physical ability to endanger himself through wandering, but I guess I was wrong.
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