That is quite a story and I’m so glad he was found ok. You must still be stunned.
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I am. Stunned is the word. I just can’t believe he got as far as he did. I think he must have been down in the subway system for hours. He has poor vision and can’t see well, but he has had decades of familiarity with it. All the downtown buildings are connected by a network of subway walkways and skyways. He told the nurse that he left because he didn’t like the lunch options in the dining room and wanted to go to the Mayo Clinic cafeteria (he’s thinking of the old staff cafeteria which has not been there for decades).
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Holy sh*t! What a scare.
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I’m so glad he’s ok.
My FIL used to cut off his wander guards, still not sure how he was able to do that. Hoping your dad stays safe.
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It’s a new base level of confusion. We are hoping that he will not have to be moved to Supportive Living (locked unit), but I also know that the facility where he lives has criteria for the distinction between AL and SL based on the ratio of caregiver to client, and if a client is cognitively impaired/confused to the point of not being able to be self-protective, they may tell us he needs to move. I really don’t want this because he has become accustomed to his current situation, and he would also really hate moving to SL. But I think he is getting to the point where he is just unhappy anyway. He clearly has dementia but he balks at the limitations and restrictions of his life.
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This was true of my father. He wasn’t going to be happy in the nursing home he was going to, but he was no longer going to be happy in his assisted living facility, either. We had to take his happiness out of the equation and have him in the place where he would get the care he needed.
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You probably can track his location by cell phone, too on the Find My app.
I think that is one of the hardest issues. The medical issues are hard, the forgetfulness is hard.
But the fact that they are unhappy just tears me up. Because we are trying so hard!
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I worry about my MIL just walking out of her house during the hours where caregivers aren’t there. But my husband and family don’t seem concerned. I suggested they get an alarm on the front door (which could be connected to the close sibling’s house), but they think that is overkill.
It’s not my mother….
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Local Sibling is often reminding me of this when I am worried about Mom’s AL and her emotional state. She very often was stressed and weeping and confused at home — so if she is any/all of those in AL, that’s not really the AL’s fault.
Air tags are a good idea, but they just help find a person,hopefully in time. Hopefully. If he is so disoriented to time/place, he’s no longer safe. Our experience is there’s no reasoning with them, and like teenagers, once they wander off, they will do it again and again. What a scare! What a hard choice.
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Yes, it is tough on us. My father has called me from his Nursing Facility to say you have to get me out of here. I know it is the best place for him, so I just say sure no problem, and don’t do anything about it.
In the span of a couple of months he was in an Assisted Living, a hospital, the rehab unit in a nursing facility, and finally the nursing facility itself. At each location he was very unhappy and complained.
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I know I’ve vented here about my in laws and it was been so therapeutic for me.
My husband’s parent’s behavior has been so different and difficult that even my husband has had to admit some of the things that are going on. And he’s talked to his brother about it.
It makes me feel like I’m not crazy and I think my husband understands that I’m not always up to deal with the crazy. It’s been helping me a lot.
My daughter never understood how difficult my mil can be because we never talk about her in a negative way. My sibling always talks about my mom in a way to make it seem like she’s very difficult (mom can be). My daughter talked to her cousin a couple of months ago and he told her how difficult my mil has been. I told her that my mil can be negative in the same way her other grandma is but that we don’t talk about either parent. I think that gave her a better understanding about the unhappiness that all grandparents are having. To give me a little grace that I don’t have to explain or cater to either all the time.
Although I feel empathy for aging, I also need to tend to my mental health.
Food for thought today.
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I had to keep reminding myself that safety trumped happiness…often.
And to remind myself that my mother was also extremely unhappy at home. Being at home didn’t change the decline or the disease progression or the aging challenges. If anything, it exacerbated them and my dad couldn’t handle it so was constantly yelling.
My dad used to say “the golden years aren’t so golden” and in many ways, he was sadly correct.
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We are just about to start the process with my Dad.
All 4 of the siblings are on the same page, thankfully.
He is in a CCRC, but his memory issues and some confusion navigating to the different areas (medical suite, auditorium, etc.) makes it clear to us that he would benefit from moving to the assisted living area.
We toured last Monday, and Dad said he is not ready to move.
We are grappling with how much agency do we let him have, how to convince/guilt him into moving, vs. just being the heavies, invoking POA and getting it done.
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Can you let the facility be the heavy in this case? My mom’s facility didn’t give us a choice - when they assessed she wouldn’t be safe, they insisted on the move.
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Good thought, though I am not sure he meets their criteria to mandate.
They also would allow in-home help to mitigate the mandate, too. He would vote for that.
We believe he would have more interaction with staff and residents with the move.
We would absolutely have him go to Assisted Living directly from the hospital following an admission, but he is relatively healthy, so those are few and far between.
We are waiting for more info from the assisted living staff about unit availability and process.
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Many parents and grandparents will take news better from ‘experts’ and keeps it off of family to be ‘the bad guys’. If the CCRC doesn’t want to be the heavy, have his physician or another who has input into having the move.
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Unfortunately Dad’s cell is a dumb phone, so we can’t track it. He could not learn to use a smartphone because it does not have buttons to feel and he can’t see well; he also has an essential tremor which makes any touch screen device impossible to use for him. They are too sensitive. We got him an IPad several years ago but he could not learn to use it.
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Maybe you could find a way (maybe with a case?) to put an Apple tag with this cellphone.
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