Parents Caring for Parents Support Thread (Part 2)

Need advice.

Mom is in memory care (but for someone there has decent memory). I call her every morning. I visit 3x a week. Four residents have come down with covid. I am getting my booster today.

Would you wait to visit, and if so how long would you wait before going?

What is the facility’s Covid protocol? That, to me, would factor into my risk of getting it. I’d also be afraid that it’ll get worst and that I wouldn’t be able to visit at all.

I don’t know! The residents with covid have to stay in their rooms and everone else is supposed to wear masks. (Can’t believe the residents will be very compliant with that).

Wear a good mask and go, IMHO. Bring her home if you have good space for her to quarantine if necessary.

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Is there an outdoor area where you could visit with your mom? If not, I would be reluctant to go until your booster kicks in (2 weeks), especially if you have Thanksgiving plans that could be derailed if you get sick.

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Were all the residents tested (including your Mom? When?) If Mom was negative, go wearing a well fitting KN 95 mask (or better). Or as @momofboiler1 suggests, visit outdoors.

I wouldn’t risk it, especially this time of year. Wait until her facility is clear and go then. You can keep calling to keep in touch with her. This is the safest approach for both her and you (you don’t want her to get covid from you after you get it from one of the other residents.)

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Maybe somebody on site can arrange a Zoom call or Facetime.

Bring her home?? Absolutely not!!!

Seriously you have no idea what her care entails.

I am very risk averse wrt covid, and I believe in prioritizing my own health above my mother’s. I also have many upcoming important plans (didn’t think of them when I 1st posted). I am inclined to call every day (as usual) and visit in 2 weeks once the booster has kicked in.

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This is where those white lies work well. Mom, I can’t come see you this week as I have a cold and don’t want to get you sick. I will come when I feel better.

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My SIL ended up getting Covid when she visited my MIL in AL during an outbreak. MIL never got it, but not only did SIL get Covid - she ended up with RSV, too - and now long Covid that’s still an issue almost a year later. Prioritize your health!

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Oh, I totally get that! Sorry, @cinnamon1212, I wasn’t aware of her condition. Best to you and her, whatever you decide to do.

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It’s ok – I’m sensitive about people (in general, not you) thinking of dementia and thinking of a sweet old forgetful lady. My mom is literally psychotic, and paranoid, which meds only partially control.

Plus needing a lot of hands on physical care. She remembers me, and other people, but struggles to put a cardigan on, e.g. It’s an odd mix of symptoms that are difficult to manage.

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At the CCRC where my folks were, once you went to AL, you and the family had no say in when the facility decided you needed higher level of care, even if you had 24/7 aides they could place you in memory care of convalescent care. This is why we kept mom in indoor dent living with 24/7 companions. It’s just one more thing to explore so you understand the options.

I’m at the point with Dad that he should not be driving (poor reaction time + forgetting where he’s going/where he is). He wants to keep the car, just in case and says he hardly ever drives. (Mom doesn’t drive, no local family around). I am considering going through the DMV to have his license revoked. For those who have done this, what does the person do for ID after revocation? I’m not sure we could find his passport/birth certificate - certainly not quickly - to get a non-driver state ID.

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They can still use their license for ID.

I went the route of getting my mom’s driving assessed (she failed). She refused to accept the report (which was also sent to her doctor). I sent the report to NY State and they sent a stern letter saying she could no longer drive.

None of that mattered to my mother with dementia, she KNEW she was perfectly fine no matter what anyone said. We had to disable her car (disconnect battery) as the only thing that worked. Three years later she is still angry about it.

I hope things go more smoothly for you!

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https://www.dot.state.pa.us/Public/DVSPubsForms/BDL/BDL%20Publications/Pub%20381.pdf

This is something that can be administered by you, to help your Dad have a chance to give up driving. I will say that many elders don’t drive – but keep the car ā€œjust in caseā€ – and somehow that provides them with emotional cover for the loss. Of all the things we tackle, taking away the keys seems to be the most fraught. My dad knew he couldn’t drive (he could hardly breathe, walk, etc) but my Mom really was distressed (she felt like a burden to the many many MANY people who offered to take her places; she always refused). I did this test with her one afternoon, all in good humor, and didn’t push her further. But I know it really solidified that she was a danger.

And there’s always the disconnect the battery ruse…

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@seekingaid might be different in different states, but in Oregon where I turned my Mom in to get her driver license pulled (didn’t matter, she drove anyway for a bit) I used her driver license as ID to get her the state ID . That worked for whatever Dr visits she needed. Even though they had punched a hole in the DL, it also worked as ID until the other one came in.

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I wrote to the Pennsylvania agency and said she could not drive but would like an ID. They sent an ID. We also disconnected the battery and hid the key. She was mad at me for saying she could not drive. I really did not want to burden the Doctor -who had patience of a saint with her constantly firing him. Her dementia eventually took over enough she forgot about it.

She was on antipsychotics - I know the black box warnings I used to prescribe them. But, if she was not on them she would have been in a straight jacket. It made all the difference in the world with her caregivers and they were able to keep her in assisted living until she died at 94.

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Just plugging in here because DH & I are frustrated and there’s nothing we can do about it.

DH’s aunt & uncle (who I’ll call AIL & UIL) don’t have any children. Closest thing would be my DH and his sister (UIL is their father’s brother; DH’s father died many years ago). UIL is 81 years old. AIL is 71, but has the health & joints of an 80+ yr old thanks to decades of fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and Sjogren’s Syndrome.

AIL & UIL sold their house and for the past 4 yr, have been living in a spare bedroom of AIL’s mother’s (the elderly mom is like 91 or 92 yr old) house, originally under the thought of ā€œWe’ll be able to help the 90 yr old so she can continue living at home for as long as possible.ā€ Well, AIL & UIL started doing less and less of that. AIL’s brother has power of attorney over their elderly mom and now the elderly mom has 24x7 around the clock in home care. And AIL & UIL were told by the brother that they needed to move out (it was time, they should have moved out 2 yr ago).

So for the past 2 months, they’ve been living in their large RV camper van at an RV campground near a body of water. So…livin’ in a van down by the river.

Their original plan was to buy some small cabin in the boonies in the woods in way northern CA or southern OR because AIL has had dreams of retiring amongst the redwood trees. But that plan appears to be going nowhere because they can’t find quite the right place.

DH, SIL, & I all have had major concerns with that plan anyway because AIL & UIL both need a ton of doctors for all sorts of various things, as all rapidly aging people do. And that part of the country doesn’t have a lot of options in that department.

So now those plans of theirs are ā€˜on hold’ as we learned a couple of days ago. And now they’re planning on spending 2-3 months, starting in January, to go on a really big long road trip all over the country. Oh and AIL’s cat is going with them.

And did I mention that AIL physically can only drive for maybe 1-1.5 hr at a stretch, and then she has to lay down for 2-3 hr before she can do anything else?

Oh and UIL just recently got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. And when AIL & UIL go on road trips, UIL is the one who does all of the driving.

Oh and SIL met up with them this past weekend (they live in the same metro area, we are in another state) and told DH that UIL has tremors (but they didn’t tell SIL about the Parkinson’s diagnosis).

Gee…nothing could possibly go wrong! What a great plan…drive all over creation, to far off places away from your support network, etc., when the only true driver is an 80+ yr old person with Parkinson’s.

They have lost their dang minds. And there is absolutely nothing we can do about any of this. Neither DH or SIL are their medical or financial power of attorney. And they’re still both of fairly sound mind. I guarantee you something is going to happen and they’ll end up stuck in some small town somewhere calling one of us asking us to rescue them.

I’m just going to pray for them in the meantime. And hope that nothing drastic happens. But OH MY GOSH these people. I tell ya…it’s crazy. They’ve always been like this…the AIL & UIL have always had a knack for getting themselves into some of the most unnecessarily complicated situations.

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