We made copies of all the important documents. There were still some surprises, but manageable.
In-laws have given multiple copies of everything to the “kids” along with the important account numbers and contacts for attorney and financial planner.
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My FIL leaves his computer on 24/7 bc he doesn’t know his email password and is afraid to shut the tab. But his desktop is 13 yrs old and is incompatible with 2025 anything. They have a will, they insist it is at the lawyer but disagree on what the lawyer’s name is and can’t find a copy at home. Etc Etc.
I got them a basic “things people will need to know” and MiL lost it. They bought a rental property 1500 miles away WITH A MORTGAGE bc they feel it is their “legacy”. I can’t even, anymore.
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My dad at times got the majority of his calories from ice cream. He’d say “This lights up my brain!” I’d laugh but I think it was true. It was a real energy spark and made him happy. I hope I find something that can do that for me.
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I just bought my sister a new laptop. Hope she likes it. She’ll get it tomorrow. I’ll tell you how it goes. She can’t decide anything so I made the leap and decided for her. But it’s almost dangerous for her to do any business on the one she has presently so I figured it was better to be safer than sorry. Wish me luck!
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I have probably mentioned it here before. My dad was very tech savvy, and did all his banking and bill paying on his computer (long before I did). He was living in an assisted living facility and he had a lawyer who had POA. I assumed the lawyer knew all about my father’s financials. The pandemic hit, my father was unwell, all of a sudden he doesn’t remember his computer password (which I know he had written down) and everything on the computer is a complete loss. That lawyer knew nothing. A new lawyer was hired, this one had to do a little research, but basically over time got access to all of my father’s stuff. I wish I had had access to all his stuff (but it didn’t seem necessary as he was of sound mind and had a lawyer supposedly backing him up).
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Edit to say : sorry, this is in the wrong thread, it should be over in caregiving.
DH and I bought an amazon video thing , finally caving to the only piece of tech Fil/MiL are able and willing to use. But my BiL registered it to his account, so if DH calls his mom, he gets his brother AND his mom. Fun times. They’ll work it out…
FiL told us 10 weeks ago to not come see them until he says we can (reason: they have been sick w pneumonia and covid). MiL asked this weekend when are we coming. BiL shares that he has been there for the holidays, and the day before DH called, my MiLs entire family came to visit. We are, to say the least, puzzled. BiL says he has no idea what is going on, I believe him.
apparently MiL has also shared that last time they were out, FiL got badly lost, driving. FiL has also said we’ve done a bad job "letting them " see our kids (who are in their 30’s). DH told his brother well, they have largely ignored our kids for 20 years so you get out what you put in. But my poor BiL is fielding 4-5 calls a week with some inane and desperate question followed by FiL picking a fight. Clearly something is wrong but we are helpless to intervene.
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It sounds like your fil is declining mentally. I wonder if the delay to visit them is him forgetting when they’ve been sick so he just says not to come.
Would your bil help with getting “permission” to visit? Maybe your husband could just go.
Something sounds off.
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MIL is at the point where she needs a lot more assistance than assisted living is giving. H and SIL think memory care is the next move, but I told H that she needs more of a nursing home situation. Sure, she has memory issues now, but that’s not the point … she cannot take care of any of her own needs. She can’t get from point a to point b without assistance. She sits in her own filthy pull-up without a clue that she soiled herself. She can’t dress herself, won’t feed herself for the most part (she relies on Ensure, which is leading to epic blowouts that she doesn’t realize have happened). In order to keep her where she is & have her be properly taken care of, she’ll need 24/7 caregivers (as opposed to the current 30 hours/week) … it seems ridiculous to pay for a facility that doesn’t meet her needs, but how do we even find a facility for her current needs? I stated my belief that she needs a different kind of care than memory care, but that’s the only thing I will offer because she’s not my mom. This is all so difficult!
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My mother’s memory care IS nursing home care. By the time their cognition has deteriorated their physical abilities have as well. You can’t really have memory care without nursing care.
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I feel for you and for her. 
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Agre. @cinnamon1212 . My MIL was in memory care at the end (moving from inependent, then assisted living.then memory care).The staff assisted with bathing, dressing.eating, etc
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@kelsmom, My mom was in memory care AND for 18 months we had hospice. They were the ones to shower her and check for wounds. Hospice can be great support not just at the last 4 days of end of life. I mention it because Medicare paid since the “normal daily activities “ dressing soiling and eating were the major criteria for getting on and having Medicare pay.
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Agree about Hospice services being a godsend in many situations. The social worker explained that their services are free, and many families regret not taking advantage of them sooner in the process. (We talked my mother into signing up. She reluctantly agreed to weekly nurse visits but declined the homecare / shower services.)
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As we see from President Carter, hospice can last a long time, but that is not typical. For my husband, it was, as @Colorado_mom said, a godsend. One of his favorite parts of the day was when the aide came for his in bed bath; she came 3 times a week. She was so gentle and wonderful with him. I wouldn’t shave him except with the electric razor, which he didn’t like; the aide would use his razor and give him the shave the way he liked it!
Once we decided on hospice, it allowed me to breathe just a little. I could call the nurse anytime of the day or night, and the social worked checked in with me often. If I was worried about how a day was going, the nurse would show up at the door, even after talking to me.
I would recommend a hospice evaluation; it couldn’t hurt.
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I had wished my mom could have received hospice sooner than she had it. She only had it 24 hours before she passed because my brother with medical POA insisted she needed and wanted to fight to stay alive, with medical transports to hospital and blood transfusions and more, with her stage 4 cancer.
Having hospice could have eliminated some of the painful efforts she had to exert to do the transports and transfusions as well as the therapy people tried to get her to perform.
Hospice can be an amazing tool—wish it was used earlier in people’s journey and didn’t have the stigma it appears to have.
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The denial is real. My mom passed in the hospital but for even the couple days prior the staff was pushing (perhaps too much) for hospice which was actually within the hospital (so no transport issues and SO much more peaceful). I wanted it for her but my dad and especially my sister was adamant. It was awful. They thought of it as “giving up” which was absolutely not the case.
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@gouf78 When my dad was in the hospital and it was obvious to the doctor’s that he was nearing the end, it was the palliative doctor that pushed us to take him home. She said a hospital is for getting one well, not a place to die. We moved him that night once we could get everything set up at home. We arrived home in the evening on a Wednesday, and he passed 36 hours later.
While the move to home with supplies and furniture moving was hard work for me, I still believe being home was best, especially for my mother. She was able to be comfortable and having a nurse at his bedside while she could take care of her personal needs.
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One of the issues was we had a very young doc (a. guy who was very new in dealing with grieving families) in charge of the place where mom was staying. He was wanting to make everyone happy so he smiled and nodded when my brother claimed mom would (by means unknown) make a miraculous recovery and return to independent living with her 24/7 companions. Mom was requiring up to 3-4 people just to move her from the bed to the bathroom.
The geriatrician who had been treating mom and the rest of us knew mom wouldn’t be returning to independent living but my brother was in deep denial and the very young doc enabled it. It was NOT a kindness to anyone but I’m sure it was the youth and inexperience. 
I did mention this to my geriatrician and hope she may have been able to help him better guide future families but no idea if it helped.
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Perhaps if he wasn’t the lead doc (or if a resident precepting under a lead) he did not want to overstep his place with the lead doc in speaking more candidly. Many circumstances that may have been why he didn’t be more candid with that one family member. It sounds like he did listen and acknowledge his feelings - it’s hard to criticize a partner in her health offering an ear and smile.
There is no right/one recipe in these distressing situations. But compassion is one ingredient.
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When my mom was in hospice care at home, one of the very best “perks” was a massage every two weeks. Mom usually slept through it but she always felt better afterwards!
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