Ugh, my dad’s lady friend is getting possessive and difficult. She’s literally running off his caregivers. She’s treating them like her own personal servants. She expects them to give her rides home very late, like after midnight. The caregiver I liked most, who gave my son a tour of Austin, just quit, and another one is threatening to. This is not good.
MTA: The RN coordinating Dad’s care is beside herself. It’s such a delicate situation. She has to balance her relationship with the caregivers, my dad, and his lady friend. It’s obvious that something needs to happen, but we don’t know what. Dad is besotted and will not take kindly to any criticism of his friend. I think we need to write up a list of expectations for the caregivers, and catering to the friend will be specifically excluded.
My husband is seeing all sorts of red flags about this woman, and I agree. Ugh. It’s worse than parenting a teenager!
No wedding! Dad’s ‘special friend’ can stay ‘special friend’.
My neighbor lost her mother, and her father got re-married; the new wife and her daughter in short order got him to sell his home and purchase a larger home in another city which his new wife wanted. Got his will changed, and pretty much cut out/cut off his son/daughters. His daughter limited calling him to when she knew his wife or her daughter were not around.
Oh dear. Not good at all. Probably she is just stressed, not trying to cause problems. But… if you think she could be a devious type, there’s concern that she is angling to marry / move in to handle care herself. If she truly is in love and is considerate person, she’ll be unwilling to marry without ensuri his assets are in a Trust for family members.
Remind me … she met him in the care center, right (so, presumably can afford it)? What do we know about her financial/family situation? Also, how is his money managed/will drawn up?
She lives in a facility a few minutes away - it’s owned by Brookdale, the same as Dad’s. Friends of my dad introduced them. Dad’s place is more expensive. He doesn’t want to move to her place and she can’t afford to move to his. If they just want to be together, I wish Dad would just pay the extra each month for her to move.
I know she has kids but they live out of state. I think she’s OK financially, but not wealthy. Dad has left everything to my sister and me. There’s a family trust, but I need to learn how it’s set up. I might talk to his bookkeeper and see if she can find someone to advise us.
She seems nice but who knows? I’m definitely nervous. I wouldn’t mind if Dad helped her, but it would be so sad if her kids got all his money. I’m borrowing trouble, though, so I will try to stop worrying right now.
I think you need to talk directly to the ladyfriend, and say is there a problem with the caregivers? Does she have concerns because you want to be clear about everyone’s expectations or they may quit and then Dad will have a problem? You know, all clueless and innocent of any bad behaviors
So hard to manage from any place, let alone a different one. I would reassure the RN and remaining caregiver that you are aware of the problem, on their side, and working towards a solution. It’s always something, right?
So tough when “friends” get bossy and cause caregivers to quit and it’s unclear where boundaries are. If you guys set firm boundaries, could you lure back some of the caregivers? Like they can call a ride for the GF but not obligated to drive her?
It sounds like you have two separate areas of concern. One is dealing with the ladyfriend’s involvement in your dad’s care and living situation, and the other is financial planning. It also sounds (from various postings) that your dad is a patriarchal alpha male who wants to essentially issue orders and demands.
It also sounds like you feel there are boundaries that you don’t want to pass in dealing with him so you’re reluctant to ask him questions. Does your dad even want her to live with him? I agree that any caregiver being paid to tend to your dad should be assured that they have no obligation to provide services to the ladyfriend unless she contracts separately.
For the first, is there someone at your dad’s facility that can advise you on how to handle the situation? He can’t be the first resident where there are difficulties , even between family members, on how to deal with residents’ wishes. Perhaps they could advise. I’m guessing you and your sister are authorized in some way to work with the facility? If not, you might look into that.
Re the trust, no expert here, but it’s not clear if your dad set up the family trust, or if it was already in existence and he’s a beneficiary rather than the grantor. So yes, absolutely find out what you’re dealing with; don’t put this off. Is there a family attorney or just a bookkeeper? All of this sounds like something you want to discuss with an estate specialist because it is all something you will have to deal with sooner or later. By “leaving everything,” is that via will or trust? Or both? Is it set up so that your dad can make changes whenever he likes? If you really feel she may manipulate him into making changes, consult with a elder financial abuse specialist on how to recognize potential issues.
One, who is in charge here to make decisions - your dad and family - or this woman? I think you either need to dip your toes in deeper and be willing to cause some hard feelings, but be frank with your dad….or step out of the way - and accept what comes in terms of his care, money, caregivers, etc.
Two, it’s hard to say for sure if you’re not in the situation but I would think if I became in a relationship that late in life I would have NO $ expectations for benefit after my partner died. Nor would I expect my partner to think they had any right to mine.
You don’t come into the picture 85 or whatever years into a lifetime and expect to walk away with a piece of their financial life. But some people WILL think they are owned.
The fact that the lady friend thinks it’s appropriate to request a ride from your father’s caregiver - especially late at night - is really odd. It’s possible that your dad told her that she can just ask the caregiver to do anything she wants. It’s possible he told her that she could call for the ride in this particular instance. If he did either, though, he needs to understand that his caregivers are hired to care for him. He needs to be told to stop, or he won’t have any caregivers … meaning he’s going to be up a creek without a paddle. If it turns out that the friend wasn’t told that she could contact the caregiver for a ride, your dad should tell her that she crossed a line … and if he won’t do that, he needs to be told that she will be the cause of him not having a caregiver, but he is the one who will suffer. Easier said than done, but your dad has to somehow understand that he’s hurting himself & you guys are not going to be able to fix it for him if he keeps burning bridges.
I disagree that your dad should pay for the different in monthly fees/costs for his girlfriend to move into his facility.
I’m going to be morbid here, but what happens with all of that when your dad dies or moves out/moves on to a higher-level-of-care facility? Your dad’s financial power of attorney (or your dad’s estate, in the event of his death) should then expect the girlfriend to potentially hit you up for $$ to continue paying the extra for her to live at the higher cost facility.
And guess what? At that point, her spot at the prior facility won’t be there anymore and she might not even be able to move back to the facility that IS affordable for her.
don’t solve that made-up problem for your dad…the ‘made up problem’ being that your dad and his girlfriend live at different locations.
I have a friend dealing with something like this. Her mom has been remarried for 20 years, and she’s having issues with the stepsister and division of assets now that the stepdad has unexpectedly taken a turn for the worse. This week, they went into AL.
There’s a family trust that is supposed to go to my friend and her kids when the mom dies (ALL the money in the marriage comes from the mom’s side of the family), but the stepsister, who has POA, is spending money from the family trust so the fear is that it’ll be down to nothing by the time the mom dies. There are millions of dollars in personal accounts that go to the stepdad’s daughter when he dies, but as long as she has POA she can pick what accounts are used for expenses. For instance, all the money for the relocation came out of the family trust instead of personal accounts that could’ve absorbed the expense. It’s a mess and my friend is upset.
I don’t think the problem is the estate right now. The problem is the ladyfriend overstepping her bounds, and how to navigate that without aggravating dad, the caregivers, or the RN.
@MaineLonghorn Did your advocate have any ideas? This must be really frustrating.
Surprised that no one has considered that an elderly woman may not feel comfortable driving alone late at night or navigating her way from a parking lot to the entrance of her building. She also may lack the resources to order an Uber, or to pay for it. Sounds like alot more may be going on here, but the late night transportation request alone does not sound unreasonable to me.
It is unreasonable because it was requested of a paid caregiver whose responsibility is for someone other than the person requesting the ride. Aside from the fact that it oversteps boundaries, it could be a liability for the caregiver if there were to be an accident on the road.
