Banks can allow account holders to designate trusted contacts who can be contacted if the bank suspects financial exploitation.
Don’t know if this would help but it appears that an account holder (your dad) could designate you as a “trusted contact” in which case for suspicious activity or large withdrawals you would be alerted by the bank.
Not all the stories have bad endings–My aunt at the ripe old age of 85 or so in an ALS got a “boy friend” which from what I gather caused the man’s family some upset (much to her amusement). She just enjoyed having dinner with him and some good conversation. They did meet with her personally and she was able to convince them she had no interest in marriage or anything financial (she had plenty of her own money TYVM). After that they welcomed her. He died a few years ago and his family still checks in on her.
A need for help on late the night transportation is certainly understandable, for the possible reasons you described (and maybe more). The issue though is that the lady friend, or maybe even the dad, is asking for something that goes beyond the scope of the job description / contract.
If the ride is kindly offered… accepting it could be OK. But requesting it seems unreasonable, especially if done multiple times (ie not just in a bind, when another option had fallen through).
Thanks for all the replies. My sister, husband, and I had a conference call with the advocate last night, I’ll call her A. A had a long talk with my dad. His lady friend, LF, was there, too. When A mentioned the late night car rides and errands for LF the caregivers had provided, Dad said, “Oh, I don’t think there were that many…” but LF jumped right in and said, “Actually, there have been.” So that makes me feel better about her. They all agreed to set boundaries. Rides can be provided IF Dad is stable, and never later than 10 pm. The caregivers will pick something up for LF only if they are already at the store for Dad.
It’s also been made clear that the caregivers are to report everything to A. Sometimes in the past, Dad will be struggling and he will tell the CGs, “Don’t tell A.” Of course that puts CGs in a tough spot. Dad and the CGs now understand that won’t fly.
Oh, and Dad agreed to more than a 10% raise for the CGs. A didn’t realize how much rates have gone up in Austin, and told Dad the women should have been paid more. I think that will alleviate discontent among CGs. I’m hoping the one we liked so much agrees to return, we’ll see.
I’m thinking that LF does not have nefarious motives, she’s just a little possessive. Of course, we will be keeping a close eye on everything. Dad’s bookkeeper is around a lot, and I’ve asked her to let me know of anything “off.”
Sis and her husband are in Arkansas today, looking for a house. They are moving away from Austin this summer. Selfishly, I wish she were staying near Dad, but I know this is the right move for them.
Thanks. I am so appreciative of the bookkeeper. She started working for my parents when Mom started declining, probably five or six years ago, and she is a a mama bear when it comes to Dad! She will know immediately if there are any financial improprieties. I’ve told her she should be charging more per hour!
Let me also praise you, dh and your sister for your quick, decisive action.
Nothing that you did or asked was overstepping, but so many of us get mired in the emotions and family baggage of it all, which leads to paralysis and fear of motives and distrust. Or on the other end, we ignore things and have magical thinking that it’ll all somehow work out.
Not really. His brother just moved to Waco and is battling cancer. There’s a second cousin (or something, I get confused about these relationships) who’s a little older than I am, but he lives in Hutto and doesn’t do much for Dad. That’s about it. No nieces or nephews at all. For a little while, two of his grandchildren will be in Austin, but they will move before long.
Does his church visit him? My in laws’ church was such a huge part of their lives for decades. After MIL needed help to get to/from church, they basically ghosted her. They kept up just enough contact to make sure she didn’t change the bequest they’d get when she dies, but they didn’t do anything to help her … no help getting to services or events, no visits. She was a founding member & her AL was close to the church. She finally realized that she needed to be near family more than she needed to be near her church. OTOH, some churches do take care of their members when they’re really needed.
If you’ll recall, his church is hardcore fundamentalist. I escaped when I was 22. There’s a Reddit forum for those of us who got out of this church. Lots and lots and lots of rules, but little mention of love. Dad has been in this congregation for about 60 years. And his lady friend has asked me, “Why don’t more people from the church visit your dad?” There have been one or two, but that’s about it. So it sounds similar to your MIL, sigh.
Dad had told my sister and me that he expected us to give the church $10,000 a year after he passes. We looked at each other and told Dad, “Nope, that’s not happening. What if they started doing something (like using musical instruments in worship) that we know would have upset you? Please give however much you want to them now or in your will, but we’re not doing a thing.”
“Using musical instruments..”. oh my I am clutching my pearls!.
Seriously @MaineLonghorn I think it’s amazing that you left this church and were able to get an education (in a STEM field no less) because I imagine that was not actively encouraged as you were growing up.
Well, that was the weird thing. Dad was a structural engineering professor and was actually the person who first threw out the idea of my studying engineering. But I do think if he had had any sons, it might have been different. A sermon I heard in 9th grade, about women staying home, was my motivation to become valedictorian and pursue a professional career.
A friend of mine just became a Certified Senior Advisor. CSAs are specialists in aging and a resource for eldercare conversation and decision making related to legal, financial, medical directives, living situation, and more.
This might be a helpful resource to others on this thread who are looking for help from an outsider, other than an elder care lawyer.
Thanks for sharing your story. So much erupts in our lifelong relationships when an elderly parent gets to this stage. Hugs to all of you juggling the stories of your life. I know I am.
SIL is the local sib for H’s mom. And she was just positively diagnosed with breast cancer. MIL may not be able to survive a move close to us, but we may have to try to make that happen, anyway. SIL will be meeting with the surgeon soon, after which we’ll have a better idea of what is ahead. It’s really hard to be so far away.
Now there’s a COVID outbreak at my dad’s facility. Fortunately, he has the sense to eat meals in his room and not go to the dining room (his caregivers can pick up food, and they will be wearing masks).
Also, a car was stolen from the parking lot and a few other cars were broken into. This is a nice facility in a good part of town.
