My mom’s independent living has had lots of junk going around including Covid. She says that she tried to sit with the same people so that at least their germs are contained to them.
I think that’s part of being somewhere where people are in close contact.
My mom’s spent almost two weeks with her whole floor staying in their rooms, with meals delivered by the masked staff to prevent the spread of covid from another floor. And it worked! But we felt bad for the staff, it was a LOT of work.
Benchmarks for impending death. After the recent passing of my wife due to her fight with pancreatic cancer I got brave enough to read some of the info on typical signs of impending death. In a nutshell it was eerily accurate. The printed booklet "Gone From My Sight ". I chose not to read them in advance in order to remain as optimistic and resolute as I could as my wife’s primary caretaker in hospice at home situation. We had made lots of great progress together from her arrival home on a stretcher and unable to move much at all to using a walker to use the real bathroom unaided and go shopping and to restaurants using a wheelchair to get around. Her last weekend of life was very good with a trip out to a favorite restaurant where she ate eagerly for one of the few times in her 2 months at home. The next day came what is often called the moment of clarity. She had been quite confused as to our location and who exactly I was to her. She said we had to talk about a dream she just had. She was able to accurately recite our entire history together and that she knew she was in her own home now. Of course I thought this was a wonderful return to near normalcy and we talked about taking some short trips together. Beginning the next day she had no appetite and slept most of the time. She had little pain which was unusual. It was the start of the active dying process. She died peacefully at home as I held her. Unfortunately her kids were unable to get to see her before she passed but she was able to talk with both of them briefly shortly before passing.
It was easily the worst moment of my life. It’s been two weeks now and I have good times and bad times. I start a job Monday to keep my mind and body busy. Not sure what my plans are now long term. We did pretty much everything together.
I am so sorry for your loss. It’s a very difficult and vunerable time for you.
I encourage you to immediatelyremove the obit information. It opens you immediately to scammers and possible identity theft.
As you describe your journey with your wife I want to say it is so apparent that you walked with, beside her and when needed in front of her. I don’t know that every human has the capacity to give what you did. I know you miss her so much. Of course.
That last weekend with a wonderful dinner - that must have meant the world to her.
I’m glad you checked in here. 
Barron, so sorry for what you both went through. I think I remember when she was diagnosed (was it August?).
My husband died of pancreatic cancer a year ago. Your stories are familiar.
PM me if anything that might seem private would be helpful.
(I’m sorry I missed the link to the obit. I’d be honored to read it).
I’m so sorry. It’s amazing to hear about her and her courage and your steadfast devotion.
Thanks for your heartfelt post. It’s nice that those last days went the way we’d all want for ourselves and loved ones. So very sorry for your loss.
@barrons I amso very sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult journey.
In a similar fashion, my best friend of 50 years recently died. She was in the hospital for a week from kidney disease and went to rehab to get stronger and have dialysis. But while there they found she had liver cancer. And that just was the end. We spent a couple of days chatting and she had other friends visit. Healed a broken friendship, zoomed her sister in Portugal. She was alive and very chatty that last day. In contrast to the other deathside vigils I have done, she never did stop talking except the last hour. I thought that was start the 24 hour clock, but she died just a bit later. Since she was so alert, her husband had gone to a hotel to get a bit of rest while I took the night shift. And he TURNED OFF HIS PHONE. I had to call the hotel to go get him when she got quiet. Pro tip, if anyone is in the hospital or under hospice Leave the Dang Phone ON!
Well, I am not trying to distract from your significant terrible loss. Just saying that you are not alone and reading and anticipating how it might go wouldn’t have helped because sometimes it doesn’t go that way. You did great and I hope you are able to thrive.
Thank you for sharing. Every day you put one foot in front of the other, and try to find small joys in every day. Doing everything together in addition to grieving for your longtime spouse makes things a challenge for doing new things alone or with a group. Starting a job will give you structure. Hugs.
My dad died when my mom went to the cafeteria, 2 days after I left. I think he wanted to spare us.
At least that gives me peace.
My mil said something very profound when my dad died. She told me I can be in peace that I did everything I could for dad in his last days. No regrets.
So no regrets and no second guessing
Thanks for all the kind replies. I am trying to stay busy and or distracted and that seems to work OK. My email and other markers have been “out” for a while and it does not seem to be that problematic except I get lots of spam emails. Anyone who still would like to read the obit just message me and I’d be honored to send you the link.
I’m exploring care dot com again, as possible help for nearby elderly friends and distant relatives. I was going to ask for feedback, but I realize that overall opinion would depend a lot upon luck over particular caregiver(s).
So I’ll ask for feedback about the mechanics of the website and any hints about doing the extra/paid checks etc.
My father-in-law just fell down at home for the gajillionth time. The firemen came and got him back up-no serious harm other than the bruise on the top of the head from hitting the oak bed frame. Another inch closer and it would have been the ER. It’s amazing to me how many times he gets lucky! I guess his body/muscles are pretty resilient for his age (84) and allow him to bend in crucial ways.
I preferred to work with an agency that was recommended to me. It felt like the Care website was just a funnel and didn’t vet anything, but this was several years ago, so maybe things have changed.
I found a great local agency who sent caregivers to help my parents. I could call them as needed and say XYZ is not a good fit and they would schedule someone else, and caregivers would give me tips about what they were seeing going on with my folks etc.
However you do it, it’s not easy.
We were so fortunate to find a local agency when my mom needed help with my dad last summer. The woman that helped my dad daily was wonderful. She came to see my mom after my dad passed and told my mom he was the most wonderful person she had ever cared for.
My friend’s dad fell so much and was so heavy to help get up that the fire department finally had to say they’d call protective services next time they were called. My friend had to fly down and acquire hoyer lifts and learn how to use them and teach all his caregivers (who were all 100# or more lighter and 6-12” shorter than him) how to use it to help get him up when he fell or get him from one position to another.
I was surprised and sad that the caregiving agency hadn’t suggested anything similar or trained their staff. I’m sure falls are all too common among elderly.
I used Care.com for my husband and found a wonderful woman. She was like having a lovely Aunt around to help. I ran a background check and we were very pleased with her help. We have stayed in touch since my husband died and I engaged her again when I needed help with my Dad. I have also recommended her to others.
[Initially we had help from an agency, and found the workers to be unreliable and not helpful].
My Dad is back in his hometown and I have a network there as well. An older cousin, who is an RN, has the contacts of several LPNs (mostly) who work for pay “under the table.”
My brother gets all up-in-arms on paying someone who is not going to list the income on their taxes, nor earn social security credits. I’ve chosen not to be a purist on this. I need the best help we can get.
We have been paying $25-$30 per hour. For DH, our helper was mostly a companion — with some medication reminders. For Dad the helper is a companion, with the medical facility being responsible for medication.
Currently Dad (97) is in the hospital, waiting to go to rehab. SMom (93) is back at their Assisted Living facility, with a very bad cough. We have hired one of these “under the table” nurses to visit Dad, encourage him, and report back to us. Of course the hospital can’t know that she’s being paid. When SMom is able, the nurse will pick up SMom and take her to visit Dad for the afternoon. (SMom has a wheelchair and needs to be transported by someone with medical training).
This takes a network, an effort, and good communications. (Dad and SMom are no longer reliable communicators!) The network helps with the trust issues. My brothers and I are 6-10 driving hours from our hometown. This is exhausting, and I think we are doing a pretty good job so far!
No experience with care.com, but in case it’s helpful, I found the staff at my parents’ assisted living place to be knowledgeable about local agencies. Over time, the continuing care facility itself developed their own aging in place services in the area. It may be worth a local search or a phone call to senior living places or Council on Aging. Getting the right person on the phone is a possibility and you may luck out with more specific recommendations for care providers, drivers, etc. All the best with it.
Y’all. We say this with a period in the South when really the one word says it all. My no-trouble very independent 81 year old father had a heart attack on Weds. My husband and I drove 8 hours west, my brother drove 8 hours south. They sent my dad home today—his heart is miraculously fine (after non-invasive surgery) but he has to wear a catheter for a week. He and I figured out the logistics of it, but I’m really hoping he moves nearer to one of us after this. However, if he moves near us, which is likely, we will have 3 parents over 80 to support. I know we’re very lucky to have 3 of them left, but. Y’all. 