I agree! There is just no way I feel that you couldn’t tell someone unless you decided not to see them physically.
@kelsmom I’m so sorry this is happening and what a logistical mess.
Remind me … Is your MIL in hospice? Perhaps your SIL thinks she can beat the clock on your MIL’s passing. My sister successfully kept from my dad that she was divorced, but it was easier to explain away BIL’s absence.
H told me that he let both SIL & her H know that we are willing to do whatever is best to help them through this, including move her nearer to us, if that becomes the best option. She will be 98 in a couple months, and she has been on hospice for three years (which is necessary to keep AL from sending her to the hospital). She doesn’t leave her room, and she doesn’t always know what is going on. They switched hospices because they kept over medicating her, which was a problem last fall, too. Once she is weaned from the unnecessary drugs, we’ll have a better idea of her real current condition.
A move would be so difficult for her. I think that SIL is going to have to tell her about her condition, but to be honest, she doesn’t want to because her mom will hyper focus on it and ask about it constantly. Right now, that is not something SIL can deal with.
Getting additional help isn’t a problem. The issue is feeling like the family is abandoning Mom if no one visits regularly - and their mom is very demanding if SIL and BIL don’t get the things she wants immediately (they each have “jobs” she expects them to do). So there is pressure even with adequate help. That’s why it can only work if SIL tells her what’s going on and sets firm ground rules about the fact that she will have to ask her aides for assistance and/or wait patiently if it’s something they can’t do for her.
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That’s a lot. It’s always hard when there are such competing and inflexible needs in the same family. (Not that it at all equivalent, but Local Sibling fell down stairs, blew out his knee, is in a brace and on crutches while Preferred is on a long-needed vacation. We haven’t told Mom yet, but it will be ugly for awhile. Local promised me he would tell her, and I will handle the panic attacks via the phone. She is not actually in any danger, I remind myself)
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How are things going?
When I talked to my mom yesterday, she told me that her driver’s license expires next year, not this one. I guess she can decide next year if she wants to stop driving.
Since she lives near my sibling, this is a decision they can make. I’m 400 miles away.
Mom will have been in her new city for 9 months now. It’s sad to me how sad mom is. She loved her former place but there was no family near. I guess you can’t have both. Her medical needs are being looked after. Mom is not one to warm up to others or to put herself out. So she’s not.
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Sorry she’s not adjusting well. So tough. My dad said a lot of his friends at his facility don’t have friends nearby and it’s hard on them. He was fortunate that my sister lived so close to him that it worked out he could stay local.
They gave my dad a cognitive test and he scored 27/30, even after his stroke and with his fogginess. The doctor said that the test can be a little misleading for people who are as intelligent as my dad (he’s in the National Academy of Engineering - a smart cookie!).
There’s a little drama with his lady friend, but not interesting enough to go into. My sister and I are just going to keep an eye on things, that’s for sure.
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Moving and trying to make new friends gets tougher as we age, I’m sure. It definitely takes effort to “put yourself out there,” and possibly face rejection or being ignored. My folks moved into at CCRC when they were in late 80s/early 90s. Though they had golfed with many of the residents, other than waving hi & bye, there wasn’t much interaction. We were fortunate that between the 7 of us kids and our spouses and some of the next generation, we kept visiting the folks and made sure they always had a visitor every day and ate with us, especially as their needs and confusion increased.
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I think this is what the difference is. At her last place, most did not have family in town. So you were forced to make friends. And she had been there for 25 years. So she had friends and activities outside of independent living.
This new city, most have multiple family members in town. Tons of people to visit them. They don’t have a need for additional new friends in the way the other place did.
And for reasons that are complicated, my sibling is not going to be there every day. Her children who are in town, do not visit. It’s a complicated situation.
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Talked with my mom today, she’s normal-for-her so a little confused about ordinary things like, “nobody” told her that her day for showers is Wednesday or Saturday – plus any others she desires – there has been a post it note on her bathroom door with that information for at least 6 months, I put it there myself. She is somehow gaining a bit of weight and her clothes don’t fit, and she is sad about that. (She was very underweight prior to AL, that was one of our big concerns) She had, again, trouble remembering who my sons are (when I mention them, she asks, who is that? and then remembers).
My inlaws have consented to have us visit. I realized the other day that my FILs panic is at least in part the dawning realization that MiL may not ever fully recover, that his “plans” are woefully inadequate and what’s more, it isn’t ever the big things that get you as an elderly person, it’s the dumb little stuff. Like renewing prescriptions, or using the phone, or remembering what day it is, or realizing you haven’t seen your son in 7 months.
It is always painful to choose between safety and happiness. We are all so unprepared, and doing the best we can. Hugs to everyone on the road.
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I find myself being angry at my father who didn’t make plans for his later years when he was younger, and sorry for him now that he is just a fading shadow of himself. Not really angry, but frustrated knowing that he could have tied up more loose ends. (We are currently struggling to obtain 1099s for their taxes!)
He’s now on rehab floor of the local hospital and will likely move to the “nursing home” floor. My brother has arranged local daily transportation for SMom to have rides to and from her Assisted Living so she can spend about 4 hours each day with Dad.
We had a family meeting yesterday. SMom was in the conference room with the nursing staff, physical therapist, dietician, etc. My brothers and I were on Zoom.
We directly asked and were clearly told Dad is not going back to Assisted Living. SMom, within an hour of the meeting, told someone we are working on getting Dad back to Assisted Living. (My goal for the meeting was for us all to hear and understand the same message!)
Separately today, I was told that SMom has been annoyed at the hospital that they won’t give her a food tray when they deliver one to Dad. One of the private aides that we have hired has arranged for the AL to send her off each morning with a bagged lunch that she can eat at the hospital.
So many little things need to be attended to!
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Just saw this. Sounds like your stepmother is hearing what she wants to hear and filtering out everything she doesn’t
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It’s been awhile — how are things going? And everyone else, how are things?
My dad insisted on going to church and it didn’t go well, apparently. He was squabbling with the caregiver about what time it was (due to the time change), and then he slept through most of church, which he wasn’t happy about.
Now his lady friend wants to take him out to a fancy restaurant. Sis and I don’t think he’s ready for that yet.
I’m having to deal with more of his affairs. I’m already at the end of the rope with my middle son (not the ill one), work, and volunteer positions. Sis is getting ready to put her house on the market and move to another state, so she’s swamped, too.
Putting a positive spin on things, I’m kind of glad my two younger kids are being difficult, because I really feel no need to help them anymore. Frees up some time! I will be cordial with them when they contact me, but that’s about it.
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My mom continues to gain weight, and when she expresses distress (“I am fat. They weighed me and I am fat”) like she did today, my siblings’ immediate response is “No you aren’t” (to be fair, that is factually correct)
So I messaged them privately and said it’s not what she weighs, it’s how she feels about how she weighs, so could we listen to her as a first action ? She’s in zero danger of starving herself (the AL wouldn’t allow that) but she has gained about 15 pounds in the past 2 years or so. Her clothes don’t fit. I told her I will bring her some new ones, we’ll play fashion show, and if she still feels awful we can talk to the staff. Of course she gained some weight at first, she hadn’t been eating (or remembering if she had, etc.) and the bmi number is worthless. She was 5’4" until her spine collapsed, so they “measure” her height as about 4’10" and calculate accordingly.
Anyway. They like to take her to McDonalds probably once a week now, sometimes twice-- it gets her out of the room, change of scenery, etc. and I get that. I get that she is 91.5 and is entitled to junk food (laden with salt! For a lady with a bad kidney and swollen ankles!). But it frustrates me that I am the odd man out here, saying maybe she just wants to be sad about her self-image and we shouldn’t shunt that aside because it’s convenient to take her out.
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I do want to say that if you have bad kidneys, potatoes (and salt) are not recommended. I do understand that she is over 90 but I’d hate for there to be a discussion on dialysis. It was mentioned to me because my mom’s kidneys are not doing well.
I’ve been told that everyone gains weight when they go to independent living because they do eat consistently and meal times are a social event.
I do think there is a lot of disordered eating and that for elders, they see a number that they haven’t seen in a long time. That sounded good when they were 30 but may not be good in your 90’s. The issue is trying to figure out how to address it in a delicate way. I promise you that my husband would see nothing wrong how your brother’s address it because he sees weight differently.
I know this is getting long. Sorry for the length.
Personally it’s been very hard to listen to my mom complain about her living situation. About how my sibling doesn’t visit. About how her children don’t visit. How I’m not.
She was so happy at her last living place. That I championed for and then she ignored my advice to move. Which imo think was premature, my husband definitely did not want her to move. And I’m having trouble getting past being ignored and all the work I did was abandoned in an instant. That’s for me to get past but if I’m being honest, has really affected how I view how mom is doing.
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What was helpful for us when my mom started obsessing about her weight was for the doctor to tell us what he wanted her to weigh. “The doctor wants you to be between 115 and 120.” No arguing. She listened to the doctor, and the hard number kept subjective judgment out of it. Good luck!
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Thanks for asking. We have a few updates to the last post from me.
My Brother, Dad’s financial POA, has just been informed that our father’s care will now be $18,000+ per month (as of 1 March) as Medicare has stopped paying. [Brother did not believe me when I told him we couldn’t count on the full 100 days of Medicare allowable rehab/skilled nursing]. I had tried to tell him to be really careful with what he said when he advocated for Dad to be on “comfort care.” He’s also saying the SMom changed the criteria for Dad’s care.
Now it is expensive.
Add to that, SMom’s AL residence is $6000/month and we (they!) are paying $900-$1000/week for a private caregiver/aide for Dad and some transportation for SMom, who is wheelchair bound.
When my brother visited Dad last week, the Charge Nurse pulled him aside to explain that SMom is difficult for the rehab/nursing staff. She’s not their patient, but she wants help toileting, with meals for herself, and she prefers to be in the facility’s wheelchair rather than her own.
As you can imagine, there are various dynamics at work. I’d be telling SMom that her funds are limited and she can only be with Dad for limited hours (rather than cause agita with his nursing staff).
Another area of concern is the 2024 taxes. According to my accounting, their medical-related bills came to over $104,000 for 2024. The accountant feels that only 20% of their AL-related costs can be applied toward the medical expense deduction. The facility staffing includes a nurse and a social worker. The facility is registered with NYS Health Dept — and they require assistance with multiple Activities of Daily Living. (For those who are interested, take a look at IRS 502 for health care expenses).
The high medical bills began in February 2024 when SMom fell and broke her back (and later her pelvis). Dad went to respite care and they both stayed for ongoing AL type care. The house went on the market around Labor Day weekend, and closed around Thanksgiving. The proceeds from the house are available to pay most of these bills — for awhile.
I’m sharing real numbers in case these are applicable to anyone else. These are for a small city in upstate NY.
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I had a long talk with DD1/SIL last night during my stay with them. They are fully aware of being in the ‘sandwich generation’ with SIL’s parents - who need to move close to S1 (SIL is S2), about 6 hours drive from DD1/SIL. DD1 says she ‘worries’ about DH and me. They are open for us to move close to them when the shoe drops in their current city for them to purchase a home. That is probably a few years away. I will make DD1 happier if I have our home more ready on the interior for selling (declutter and clean out closets). SIL has been pretty sensitive to his parents’ situation, in part because of what he sees now as things his dad could have done better – but one has to accept the things that are here now. DH and I have been available in time, talent, and treasure with DD1/SIL/Gkids. SIL is becoming warmer to our assistance (DD1/SIL are having child #5 soon, with all kids 6 and under while both work FT). DD1 is the primary breadwinner, but SIL might catch up in next few years in his career.
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Mom was concerned that she hadn’t had bloodwork done in weeks, and knows she will see her hemotologist/oncologist in mid-April. I told her I would poke around and see what I could find out.
AL has scripts for bloodwork in April that overlaps tests; I said so those must be duplicates let’s just not do the smaller one since the other one covers those tests. Oh noooooo, we can’t do that without a doctor’s order (And that makes sense, you don’t want AL to just pitch orders). So I call the doctor, explain what they’ve done (The CRNP and the RN both entered scripts at different times for different intervals and nobody checked to see if that overlapped). Explaining was like neurosurgery, I finally gave up and just said “she’s gonna get stuck twice in two days for the same set of tests, can’t we cancel one?” and the RN says can’t the AL just not do one?
In the end, the RN cheerfully agreed to call AL to clarify; I emailed AL to clarify the end result, AL confirmed only one stick. Good grief, you’d think this would just not need someone to manage it.
I am off to spend a week with her. She is sad because she wants to make something for my son’s wedding and is feeling unable; this is complicated by her inability to keep the timeline straight (sometimes she thinks the wedding is in a few weeks instead of a few months). But it will be good to see her.
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Is she going to the wedding? My dad had passed, and my mom wasn’t in great shape and was scared to fly so I took my parents’ wedding photo and had it framed and ds1 and DIL held it in one of the formal wedding photos. It turned out so beautifully. Anyway, a way to include her if she won’t be able to make it. (((hugs)))
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