Dad doesn’t really communicate. She drives the situation and talks over him.
Remember the helper they had (who my brother fired)? About a week after that, I asked SMom via text if Dad missed the helper. She said emphatically “no, he was too noisy”.
When I was in-person with my Dad (and SMom was not around), I asked Dad if he missed Rich. He nodded his head and quietly said, “yes”,
It breaks my heart to see a man who was once so strong and energetic, fading away.
Wait, the staff tells the residents (Dad & SMom) they are too much work? Who does that? What prompted that sort of reaction to new residents? I am sorry you are in this predicament
This is the quandary. I didn’t think that Dad should have left the skilled nursing unit he was in (after he could not longer quality for Medicare-paid rehab).
He’s probably calling for bathroom help 3-4 times overnight. That’s been the pattern.
Somehow this Enchanced Assisted Living evaluated him and said they could meet his needs. They deflected my queries about “what if he needs skilled nursing” and my brother who is the POA pushed to move him to this EAL so money could be saved and Dad and SMom could be back together.
SMom is also telling family and friends that she did not get to see this place, although she visited (the day after the Zoom meeting) and reported that she liked it. That was 2-3 weeks before they moved in.
We’re in the middle of trying to sell one of Dad’s rental houses. It’s so complicated, with the trust involved. And it sounds like it makes sense to put the house in my and my sister’s names, if Dad is willing. Saves a lot on taxes.
Dad’s putting on a good face. I called him the other night, and he sounded strong, but he’s definitely struggling to find words. And the bookkeeper told me he’s started calling her by the CPA’s name, even after being corrected repeatedly by the caregivers.
The engineering symposium he hosted for many years is dedicating this year’s program to him. They requested that the Texas flag that flies over the state capitol on April 20 be in his honor. 
I told him, and he was pleased. I wish I could go to the symposium, since they will be recognizing him, but it’s a few days before we leave for Poland so it’s impossible for me to make the trip.
Sorry for the challenges. If it is wise and legally allowable to put house in your/sister names, sounds like getting that done soon would be a good idea… in case his memory slips further.
but do check if any capital gains implications to you for doing so
I would definitely run this by a CPA and an attorney to be sure all aspects are appropriately considered.
Oh, yes, for sure. We are fortunate to have a good team of people.
That’s great that you have a good team of people to help. This thread certainly gives me food for thought about planning for future.
Yes, I’m realizing I really need to pick good advisors as I age! Nobody too close to retirement!
We were a little sad when our FA (a bit younger) retired early. But we now work with his younger assistant who had been at most of our quarterly meetings. He’s about same age as our kids, so probably a good thing.
We aren’t sure our estate attorney will continue working. He’s probably a decade or so younger than me, so mid-50s. I’m glad my CPA has trained up a lot of younger CPAs whom I’ve been working with.
didn’t realize this thread existed–not a parent, but the eldest child of my mother who is the primary (essentially only) caregiver for her late 80s parents with dementia who live with us, on top of managing my two younger brothers and my dad (severe enough adhd that he leaves most executive functioning tasks to my mom). her siblings live across the country and are extremely unhelpful both financially and caregiving-wise; her older sister has POA. the community here is wonderful but i sometimes hate how i have to come to spaces like this to find other people who understand what it is like to be caregivers to elderly folks with medical issues who live in your house so you can never have a break. i’m not even 20 yet; none of my friends get it. and one day i’ll have to do this all over again for my own parents. sending hugs to everyone caring for parents/loved ones.
Halyardic, stick around or invite your Mom to join us. She may need our support!
To be clear, this is just venting. I know there’s nothing to be done.
We spent Friday/Sunday with our son/DiL, and had arranged to include my inlaws by way of an extra 90 min round trip to get them to S2/DiLs house. And on Sunday, S2/DiL made that same 90 min round trip to spend a bit more time with us and the grandparents.
At son’s house, everything went fine.
Upon arrival at the ILs, after the 45 minute ride (which also seemed to go well although FiL was put out that DH followed the gps and not his personal preference of route) , my MiL literally corners me in the kitchen and starts in on how we “have a problem” and we need “to settle this once and for all” and I am totally baffled. I kept saying “I think everything is fine” and she kept saying "I know the two of you have a problem with us and " would trail off and then start again. DH came up the stairs and interrupted, so she started with him on this notion that a trip we took together last year they did not enjoy because “everyone was cold to us”. Suffice it to say that these are at a minimum, incorrect; they seem to be flat out delusions.
I found rotting food in the fridge. She admitted it was, but is “afraid” that FiL will “catch her” throwing it out. We bagged it and hid it in the car, cleaned up the mystery liquid and disguised the gap. She was frantic. Their fridge was “broken” but actually the bottom freezer was so overfull that the contents were falling out the back of the drawer and jamming the mechanism, freezing, and causing the condenser to fail. So they bought another freezer.
Their TV was “broken” so FiL bought some devices to fix it; he wanted DH to install those. TV isn’t broken, it needed a system update but they kept saying “no” because they “knew” it was a scam. DH’s brother says all of this is not a big deal, normal aging in place, nothing to be done.
They are still saying they want to come to S1’s wedding this summer. They want to take an Uber from their home to the airport (40 minutes) and rent a car at the other end. They cannot use a gps. They cannot use a cell phone. They want to land at 1 for a 4pm service. This part is easy – we shrug and say well, talk to DHs brother, who has already offered to drive them out to the wedding. DH and I are solid on the POV that these people will not be given leeway to ruin our son’s wedding for us by causing an uproar. They’ll get there, or they won’t.
My poor husband. He wants to defend me, he wants to be a useful and thoughtful son, but his parents are bonkers, clearly. OH – the house in FLorida we begged them to not buy? Gosh, isn’t it losing money and draining their energy…surprise, surprise.
Wow! Sounds like dementia to me! Good for you for having clear boundaries and sticking to them.
I’m sorry that all sounds so unpleasant and upsetting!
My inlaws were with us for the Easter weekend. They are heading into their mid 80s and while in good shape for their age, are definitely slowing down, struggling with technology, not really following conversations (although that’s a hearing issue and both are terrible about wearing their hearing aids), needing more rest/naps, not eating great (they both looked frail to me), and just appearing more overwhelmed with normal life.
I was so pleased to hear them talking about starting to look at graduated level of care facilities but my H was appalled at the idea that they would need that now. He and I had a long talk the first evening because the nice places they would want all have waiting lists, and it would be great for them to get to pick out their own place and not have it thrust upon them after a medical crisis.
I was really surprised that my H was so against it. Hopefully he doesn’t put up any unnecessary road blocks. They live many states away from all their family other than step MIL’s son but even he is several hours away by car (the rest of us need to fly).
I think I’ve posted about this before but I thought I had worked through this with H and yet we are right back where we started. Not sure if it’s just an unwillingness on his part to accept his father’s mortality or he just isn’t seeing what I’m seeing.
Having been through this with my own parents, it seems like such a gift to be proactive with getting into a supportive living environment pre-crisis. I don’t understand H’s hesitation.
Coming to terms with our parents’ mortality isn’t always easy. But it’s important, so it’s good that you’re having conversations with your H.
My H and I have recently been noticing how longtime church members who have passed 70 are starting to really look and seem old … not all of them, but enough to make us stop & think. We have discussed the fact that we need to be open to the idea of downsizing if need be, as well as to moving into independent living as we age, if necessary. My parents never needed that, but H’s parents did … and they were so against leaving their longtime home that it made the move more traumatic when they realized that needed to make the change. Being honest about our changing needs as we age is just so important.
I want to bonk your dh on the head! lol
Would the AL place be closer to one of y’all?