Yes. Husband & I dealt with this a lot w/his mom for the last 10 yr of her life. We loved her very much, but she was quite self-absorbed and felt deep into the depths of her soul that it is THE #1 job of a parent’s adult children to take care of all of the elderly parent’s needs above the needs of the adult child’s own immediate family.
I am a giver. So if you give something small of yourself to me, I’m happy to give that back to you many times over. Except my MIL took advantage of that. I grew very resentful, so in order to keep my sanity, I took a step back and essentially told my H, “Your mother, your problem.”
For the last 5 yr of her life, MIL was legally blind and could no longer drive. We’d at that point moved a 90 min drive from her house and she demanded that my H go visit her and help her with errands several times a week.
For over a year, he went there 2x/wk, sometimes 3. She never offered to chip in for gas money for all of the miles he put on our vehicles on these trips. She expected/demanded to be taken out to eat in a restaurant each time and demanded that my H pay. However, at the same time, my H wouldn’t set boundaries with her on this, so he was part of the problem, too.
She refused to adjust to getting things done in a more efficient way. For example:
- Weekly grocery shopping - How about placing an online order for pick up? Nope, she “didn’t feel comfortable” doing that. Wanted to go up and down each aisle like she always did. But she needed to use a scooter and couldn’t see very well. It took her an hour and a half every time.
- Grocery shopping - how about giving H a list and he goes and buys the stuff for her and she reimburses him? Nope, she “didn’t feel comfortable,” wanted to do the shopping like she’d always done.
- Prescription drug refills - she had her meds at 3 different pharmacies. And she refused to do mail order/home delivery for her maintenance medications. Nope, she “didn’t feel comfortable” doing that, wanted to be able to see the pharmacist in person each time. AND on top of that, the timing of all of those meds were such that she was going to a pharmacy every week of the month. And don’t get me started on her insulin…she’d get that from the Walmart pharmacy because it was cheapest there, but she’d only buy 1 week’s supply at a time “because I can’t afford it.” But it’s the same price per month whether you buy a month’s supply or 1 week at a time. Flat out refused to change.
- Buying cat food & litter for her 2 cats - How about doing a regular monthly delivery from a store like Chewy? Nope, she “didn’t feel comfortable.” H finally put his foot down with that and said he wasn’t helping her with that anymore. Then suddenly, what do you know? She managed to “feel comfortable” with an online order, but H had to be the one to set it all up because her whole entire life, she was practically allergic to technology.
It made our home life for our immediate family, honestly, extremely stressful, like, all of the time. My kids & I greatly resented it while it was happening. H would try to talk some sense into her, but she just wouldn’t have it. She actually did say to my H out loud several times that children should always put their parents above their spouses & their own children. She DID. NOT. CARE when my H would tell her that all of her demands were really hard on him and too difficult time-wise.
Things finally came to a head when H’s sister (my SIL) went to visit MIL for a long weekend around MIL’s birthday one year. SIL offered to MIL that she’d be the one that week to drive MIL around to all of her myriad of errands (some of which included spur of the moment things like “Oh since we’re out, could we go to Crate And Barrel, Pottery Barn, Target, and the Hallmark store, too?”). Over the course of 3 days, it was, like, almost 8 hr/day of Driving Miss Daisy all over creation.
MIL, with SIL AND with my H, refused to tell anybody ahead of time what she needed to do, where she needed to go, etc. She’d spring it on you last minute. So H would think he was just going to hang out with his mom and chat for an hour or 2 and then be able to go home, but MIL wanted 4 hr of driving everywhere or she’d have 4 hr of “honey do” chores for him to do.
Anyway, my SIL told her mom that enough was enough, she (MIL) was being totally unreasonable and this all has to stop.
Did it stop? Not really. It slowed down temporarily.
Did MIL take H up on his multiple offers to help her find an assisted living facility to move into? No. Refused.
Instead, MIL played some sort of victim game with people at her church and got another retired lady to basically be her buddy & chauffeur (unpaid) all day, every day. 7 days a week. Church Friend would pick her up in the morning and they’d spend literally all day running around and doing things.
I think with your MIL, it’s wise for your wife to consider stepping back from doing as much as she has been. Sometimes with certain seniors, you just have to be very blunt, very clear (in a caring, kind way, of course) in communicating to them what you will and will not do.
I would bet you $$ that the 1 local sibling of your wife’s who refuses to get sucked into it has probably been burned by your MIL before and has decided, “Stick a fork in me because I’m done.”
The sense of entitlement with certain aging parents can be quite strong. And an adult child is not a bad person for needing to put their own household’s needs first, before the out-of-touch entitled elderly parent.
Why? Because, as every average person knows out there, what’s your elderly parent going to do if YOU need urgent help at a moment’s notice? You’re certainly not going to be able to rely on the infirmed elderly parent, are they? No. You’ve got to rely on yourself to figure it out.
What contributes to the situation, in my opinion, also, is that elderly parents’ social circle is smaller. They’re much more likely to be out of touch with how the world operates today. They still want to be able to pay for their groceries with a check in person. They don’t necessarily like buying all this stuff online, they want to go to a store in person, touch & feel the merchandise, browse, and THEN make a decision.
I feel for what you & your wife are going through. It’s really hard.
I have my GD, and if it isn’t an emergency, I really don’t want to go over there just to make a phone call for her. Again, she complains about wearing the device if it isn’t going to work, yet she won’t call herself. My thought is whatever monitoring they get will be good enough. The monitor has 2 different locations it can be placed, but due to her body, the location between her breast will not sit flush; the monitor is larger than her space!
