Yes. Unfortunately yes. I was the local child to my parents and I was with them three days/week + a family dinner on the weekends for 7 years. No matter how much I did, it was never enough for my dad and he was constantly telling people that I was never there and didn’t help them. Enough so that I had angry calls from their out of state friends who didn’t realize what I was doing.
It took me going to counseling and setting better boundaries and totally falling apart in front of my father when my mom was unexpectedly hospitalized for them to hire help.
From my experience with friends it usually take some kind of emergency for people to realize that they aren’t as independent as they think.
I’m sorry your wife and your family are going through this.
It also could be the beginning of dementia. That last minute visit to the store = lack of executive function. I do realize I see dementia everywhere, since both parents had/have it.
Would she let you pay for the caretakers so that they are available? Maybe she’s just being cheap.
With my mom, if I put it on my or my kids I could get a lot of traction. For instance, I might say “You might be right that the caretakers can be available as you need, but I am worried about that. Will you let me pay so that I can sleep at night? I hate to see you needing help and unable to get it.”
ETA: The unspoken part is that you and ShawWife will not drop everything to fix a problem that easily could be avoided.
Well, making the offer is just a way to broach the subject. My mother would have been horrified at the idea of me paying for something when she could afford it. Manipulative? Yes. Effective? Also yes. But, for me, this falls under one of my mantras: Do you want to be right or do you want to solve the problem?
My brother handled my parents caregivers since he had their assets and mpoa. They didn’t fight him nor the caregivers. We count our blessings we could afford the caregivers they needed, especially when mom needed 24/7 caregiving.
@deb922 and @Youdon_tsay, good thoughts. I don’t think the issue is cheapness. MIL has plenty of money. I think the issues are a) she does not want to admit to herself that she is not independent; and b) she is introverted and does not like people hanging around when they aren’t doing something. So, if she has guests visiting and they are taking her for walks and cooking, what is the hired person doing?
Incidentally, before she was willing to have help and had fired a couple of perfectly good people, ShawWife hired someone and said she couldn’t fire them because the contract was with ShawWife. But, the contract is now with her and she doesn’t mind paying.
I had told her a few years ago that she would reach a point where she didn’t feel like paying her bills and managing her money (she had a money manager) and that I had taken on that role for my parents when they needed it. This past year, she was starting to forget to pay her bills and I offered to take it over. It was bumpy at first because she wanted me to take it over and she didn’t want me to take it over. But, now she is very happy that everything gets taken care of without her having to think about it.
Your MIL is having difficulty transitioning. I do think her level of ‘demands’ and queen edicts have been wearing out local offspring who is not getting drawn in to this. ShawWife doesn’t want to go through Florida 2.0. I agree MIL is going to have to let the problem teach her - but she has financial resources to spend on the help she will need. Checking herself out of rehab because she didn’t like the rehab center is an example of her queen-like behavior.
Boundaries might be respected. She will probably voice some gratitude with a back-handed compliment. What one gives with time and attention often is never enough. She seems to have been used to a lot of social interactions, and she no longer can keep it up due to her physical limitations. Having two other properties besides a rented city apartment is a lot to keep up. I understand family farm staying in the family. It doesn’t seem like the FL property is something desired by ShawWife or siblings (based on prior CC comments and relying on my spotty memory).
Will MIL be able to safely go to FL - or is it time to close that chapter?
MIL may not see the current issues which would reasonably prevent her from setting in motion her typical plans.
I’m so happy, I could cry. My dad’s financial situation is SO complicated. There’s a family trust, my dad’s trust, and an irrevocable life insurance trust. Here’s the email I sent Dad’s attorney: "Hi, [attorney]. My sister L knows a financial advisor named M. M agreed to talk with us via Zoom this morning about Dad’s trust since L and I are feeling a little overwhelmed. She had already reviewed the trust paperwork and your memorandum [about the trusts and Mom’s estate].
She tried to explain everything in simplified terms, and L and I were totally lost. L and I texted each other and agreed we should see if we could retain her to coordinate everything. She said yes. She will have to get licensed in Maine, but she’s willing to do it. She has 31 years of experience and does this exact kind of work regularly. She says she herself has had a family trust for 20 years.
So [attorney], please stop any work you are doing right now until M can coordinate with you and the CPA. I’m going to ask her to speak with Dad’s bookkeeper and his advisor at the investment firm, also.
L and I have another Zoom call with her scheduled for next Tuesday. M said they will give us a price to do everything. Of course, Dad has to agree to the arrangement, but I’m sure he will.
Let me know if you have any comments or questions. I am feeling very relieved!"
I have spent SO many hours on all of this and feel like I haven’t accomplished a thing, so it will be nice to hand the ball off. My sister and her husband have used this financial advisor for years and she is very knowledgeable. Maybe I can get some work done now! I worked over 11 hours yesterday, on my birthday, and I need to get going now!
It sounds like a ramp will not be helpful. They need to check if the vehicle can be outfitted with a hoist or lift designed for light wheelchairs. There are companies specializing in those things. Unfortunately, no experience so can’t recommend any.
Could you see about getting a lighter walker that will still do the job but is easier to get into and out of vehicles? The PT/OT should be able to help as this is a common issue. My mom had a very light aluminum one that folded up and fit in our vehicles and all of us could handle. It still kept her from falling. It was very inexpensive as well.
We did use sturdier one with seat & handbrakes for walking around her unit and CCRC, but preferred the lighter aluminum one for getting in & out of the car.
I concur with @HImom about using for a lighter aluminum walker that folds for car travel purposes. I was able to order both types for dad after his fall. If insurance won’t cover, is there a local senior center that provides a lending service for temporary usage of medical equipment?
Thanks. The equipment used does fold flat, is not all that cumbersome for me. However it is over the 5lb limit that has been recommended to Dad’s wife. She deals with it, but I’m just wondering if maybe some kind of blanket or sling would allow her to do more sliding, less heaving.
I should add that Dad has light duty walkers like that at that house (I think on all 4 levels, including one to get through garage and utility room). For outings, they seem to favor sturdier models with bigger tires and hand brakes. His favorite at the moment is a triangular foldable style, which I think he also uses for his 20+ minute outdoor walks while they are out. (They have an assortment of equipment partly due to a wonderful, overstocked medical loan closet in their community).
So, Mom did in fact have an ischemic stroke, which was not the dx until about 36 hrs after she arrived at the hospital. Long, not flattering for the staff, story
Tomorrow is day 5 and she needs to be discharged to skilled nursing at least for a few weeks. The skilled nursing side of her AL has no beds. The step down unit here has no beds. They can keep her a couple more days but no beds are expected there.
Current choices are a double at a local place , or a single at another place fairly local but the bed is in the dementia wing. She would have stroke rehab either place. Both would be essentially waiting for a skilled bed at her current facility, which basically said they will hold her personal care room as long as we want to pay for it. We have no sense of whether she will ever be capable of that again but problem for another day. I’m trying to arrange visits for me while Local and Preferred work their contacts.
She’s terrible with shared spaces, she spends all her time trying to not take up space or need anything, scared of the other person, mortified by her current incontinence and gait issues. The stroke weakened her left side but not speech or fine motor skills; her memory is toast but her moment to moment cognition is age appropriate. She will not be attending S2s wedding and everyone is okay with that as the best choice right now.
Today would have been my dad’s
birthday, and when I am not bedside I am living in the house, boxing things up for the auction and sale next month. She keeps saying she wants to die but I told her I don’t have time for that too!
