I’m so sorry. Big hugs and hoping she finds a place that is best for her
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This is the messy part, with no instruction manual. Hugs to you.
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When you posted the other day about your loved one listing to one side, I thought, “oh no, I hope she didn’t have a stroke!” 
It’s a hard transition. Major life changes. So sorry that you and your extended family are having to deal with it all! It’s never easy. Hang in there.
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I went back on this thread, and got a very good feel on what you have been going through. I didn’t want to solely rely on my chemo-brain memory.
You have very good instincts and navigate medical and personal situations well.
IMHO, give your mom a choice between the two facilities - maybe her preference for a single room will weigh-out. Say that she can look going to being back in her ‘home’ - AL where she lives before this hospitalization and mild stroke. I would hold her personal care room, but also look at the contract concerning her AL. Her facility may not have as good of rehab as the two other places.
You want her to be happy where she will be ST and LT. So weigh it all out.
I have worked skilled care and rehab (together, one facility that had excellent PT/ST/OT services) and was an adjunct nursing instructor at a VA skilled care with dementia unit (instructor for LPN program that had clinical time in that facility).
After visiting, tell you mom the ‘lay of the land’ and let her decide.
I doubt that she would need to be in rehab long if they provide the actual PT services (two a day with care plan M - F). In our state/facility, on entry to rehab, the patient gets a nurse assessment, and PT/ST/OT evaluation.
Sounds like you are keeping your head above water.
Perhaps during rehab, the facility will have some activities that she can do in her room or outside.
If meals are in her room or in dining room.
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Yes, makes sense. Remind us…. when is the wedding? Sure seems like you have a lot on your plate. Sending wishes for wisdom and stamina a you navigate these new bumps in the road.
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wedding is in a week
they’ve decided to run a couple more tests and then move her to inpatient rehab here at this site; 3 hrs day of PT for at least a week, probably 2, perhaps 3.
Her AL told us that as long as she can ambulate reliably, even with a walker, and do a reasonably good job in bathrooming, she can return to her rooms in personal care. They haven’t needs to help her with anything but they are happy to cover more of it is needed — dressing, bathing, etc. whether rehab can get her there is anyone’s guess but she is better than before if not baseline. Her stamina is zero, and there have been too many doctors, tests, and visitors.
a good lesson in wait and see day by day. gotta run, we are off to a CT scan for dizziness (she’s exhausted! I said. And the hospitalist agreed, but a day extra won’t harm her or the space in rehab
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Great progress!
After each rehab PT session, she needs to do R and R. Do everything she can to build up her strength. Hopefully the PT aide will do well with her, and make the sessions productive. Maybe as she gets stronger her general happiness will improve.
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@sbinaz, it sounds like you (and others here have dealt with this kind of situation.
Very clear, @SOSConcern. This might be the final year for the FL property. Her son flies down with her and stays for a couple of days and then flies back to pick her up. So, if she can do it, she will. The problem will be that the only one of the other three kids will come for an extended period – though other relatives will come. She will have to deal with the help problem and will no doubt be unhappy we are not helping and will not take any accountability for the reasons people are not showing up. But, I think it is pretty clear that no one wants to inherit the FL house, hence it should be sold once she can no longer go.
Not clear that we can cure the queen-like behavior, but we are not going to step in and fix it except to help her to hire help. We are going to set our boundaries (we might rent a house in FL somewhere else for a month and visit her for a weekend). We will visit for long weekends only in Canada. But, we will help her from a distance (as I am already doing).
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I am home again, Local and Preferred will take turns checking on our mom (“Mom’s in rehab” just cracks us up). It is going just fine. Visitation is very limited, and only in evenings so they can concentrate on work and rest.
Rant/vent : why , oh why, do people think texting/calling/messaging is helpful support? I am more exhausted from being bombarded with “helpful” stuff blowing up my phone, and I tried just turning it off but then I got “did you get my message” messages. I decided the policy ought to be no questions. Just, don’t do questions. Questions mean I need a short answer for a complicated situation. Like, “how is she” in one sentence isn’t gonna work. DH sent me eleven texts in a day (I had to show him, he didn’t believe me). Her best friend is relentless. Preferred never.shuts.up. (My kids have taught me that every texting/messaging convo needs to be brief, and you don’t need to respond with words every damn time, that’s what emojis are for). A family friend visited every single day for about 40 minutes. I could not dislodge her. Looking forward to a few days of quiet before S2’s wedding.
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when I’m checking in on someone and offering help I make it a point to always say “I’m ready to help. Really. I also know you are inundated with messages, so no need to respond unless there is something I can do”. I wish that were the standard for everyone.
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They are correct. A thumbs up, a heart added to message, LTR (later), OK
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I’d also think about putting on an autoreply to your texts. “Thanks for reaching out - life is incredibly busy and stressful currently. I will catch up with you as I am able” or something similar!
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I shared on this thread a bit ago that my mother is having memory loss issues. It is deteriorating quickly. We are going for a second opinion in August. My son went to see her with me over the weekend and he was shocked at her despondency. My dad is a very patient person and is doing a great job with her - my mom has never been the easiest person to get along with.
I want to reach out to her best friend before the appointments to get some feedback on her interactions with my mom, but I hesitate. Do you think this would be ok?
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I think it’s a good idea. Her friend may have concerns but feels uncomfortable sharing them unprompted.
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I would definitely reach out to her friends. I was so mad at my mom’s friends who knew she wasn’t safe to drive for example and didn’t tell me. AFTER the fact when I got her into the AL place and called to let them know, then they told me she would call them to ask directions when she was driving around lost in her home town. Why they didn’t call I’ll never understand, but I bet your mom’s friends would welcome your opening the conversation.
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I think every bit of information can be useful, as long as you make it clear to the friend that you are using it for context, not to blame her for not telling you things? (not directed at @esobay, that situation would make me crazy too) We have run into that on occasion; people feel guilty for not doing more.
Your mom is lucky to have you advocating for her 
Good job!
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Small update
My mil fell in her backyard on Sunday. Broke her pelvis. It sounds better than breaking her hip, she can be somewhat weight bearing on it.
After one PT session, she was told she could be discharged Monday afternoon. Fortunately for everyone, she didn’t have to be discharged and can stay one more day. Maybe more? Not sure. She seems well enough that she won’t go to rehab.
My husband and I were visiting our son’s family. We left Monday early. My husband is staying with his parents, I drove home. A couple of things going on here. Also both of us don’t need to be there.
Lots to figure out. Mil it taking about mobile meals, there are a couple of people that can be called to help with things. My bil thinks my mil, who has never used a computer before, should download apps to be able to order groceries and food to be delivered. I’m supposed to help with that. I’m dubious
Mil is at least open to looking at independent living. My fil is not capable of looking after anyone, including himself. I think mil is showing signs of failing memory.
They do have a local child. He still works and they share a dog. He also travels most weekends. He does stop by most days when he’s in town.
Lots to figure out. Not by me, I think my bil and my husband are very reluctant to persuade them to go to independent living and I’m not sure they are healthy enough to do that.
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Eeeep, that’s a lot of moving parts managed by people in denial. I’m sorry this has happened.
People who use apps don’t appreciate how hard they are for people who don’t. My mom has always been thrown by notifications, ads, and updates. She can’t tell what is urgent and what is not.
You know the concept that working families are one broken car away from financial disaster and homelessness? Sometimes I feel like older people are just one medical event away from disaster as well. No plans in place, no willingness to plan. How lucky your mil is to have all of you around.
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My mil told me a year ago that they were going to stay where they were until there was a crisis. This is the crisis!
The fact that local sibling thinks I should download apps for someone who doesn’t have a smartphone, has an iPad that they don’t use and has never ordered anything on line. My in laws do have a helpful neighbor who does anything that requires them to do anything on line. But grubhub? I don’t know.
We can’t stay there long term. Local sibling works full time, has a vacation scheduled next week and a grandchild due any minute.
My husband, who is technically challenged himself, told me that the phone charger he has isn’t working so he turned off his phone. I think it might be a loose connection because it worked just fine on Thursday.
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That happened here too…and the apps suggested were not appropriate for a person with very advanced dementia. Luckily, nothing will be ordered on the iPad DH purchased…but there also won’t be other applications. It will supposedly be used only for FaceTime (which the caregivers will manage), and looking at emailed pictures (dedicated email address for that).
It’s not sent to MIL yet because no one can agree on which cell phone to use for two factor authentication. I suggested NOT using this because the cell used will get the code every time…and really…nothing needs this on this IPad!
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