Don’t get me started. My friend (already on a walker) gets left with her D dog on a regular basis. I don’t get it. Your mom has fallen and broken major bones and yet leaving a big dog with her is okay. No way. No way to easily walk the dog. Tripping hazard. Can’t put on leash because the dog would just pull her over. “Mom loves the dog!” I don’t care. You obviously don’t love mom enough to protect her. So selfish.
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This is pretty much the attitude that my H and I ended up having to adopt when it came to my MIL. Trying to reason with her was impossible. She refused to do anything in a reasonable way that would make it easier for my H (her son) to help her with normal day to day things like getting groceries, buying cat food, etc.
so it sounds horrible from an outsider’s point of view, but my H reached a point where he said, “Fine, she’s not going to change. So I’m only going to do what I am willing to do. I’m not going to go and save her from herself anymore. She won’t even put together a simple will or healthcare directive. I’m not driving an hour and a half anymore at the drop of a hat just because she wants to run to Walmart for something. She won’t change unless something drastic happens and the situation forces her to change.”
Eventually, something drastic DID happen. She got cancer…had symptoms of it, we learned later, for WEEKS and didn’t tell anybody. By the time she sought out medical attention for it, she needed to be hospitalized. She never was able to go back home and died 6 weeks later.
You can lead a horse to water but can’t always make them drink.
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DH’s parents are headed this way. BiL is a go along to get along kind of guy, so he became my FILs favorite and DH is good with that, but it’s hard to watch.
DH resigned himself to a chaotic ugly ending for his folks, but I think the hard part is knowing this is what they prefer. They don’t care if they leave their sons a terrible and expensive mess, experience illness and pain, distress their sons, ignore their grandchildren – none of that matters as much to them as doing exactly what they want, no matter the cost to anyone else. They’re aware of choices that both DH and BiL would prefer — they just don’t care.
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@deb922 I meant to say yesterday… GOOD for you for asking neighbor! it is really important and easily skipped step in distance care.
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Thanks so much! That means a lot!
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Supposedly, MIL is doing just dandy back at her AL. They took her off pain meds because all she was doing was sleeping, and she didn’t complain about pain. But then BIL told H that she’d gone to the dining room for both breakfast and lunch, so that sounded promising. SIL doesn’t return H’s texts, and when she picks up his calls, BIL (her H) is always butting in throughout the call, answering everything H asks. I guess we need to watch Facebook to find out how SIL is … she posted today about how helping with her mom is wearing her out. But when H offers to come help out, he’s told that everything’s fine.
I told H to contact the rep from the new hospice - we met him last visit & really liked him. I think H needs to establish a direct line to someone who can be honest with him about what’s going on. I don’t know if he will call him, but I gave my two cents. Time to back off again.
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I hate being right
Mil used the home health agency 4 times (the times her cleaning person/dog sitter was gone for the weekend) and decided she didn’t need them anymore.
They are doing just fine.
I promise that they have no intention of moving from their house either
The cleaning person comes in the morning and at noon. Light cleaning duty, helps make food, mostly sandwiches. She isn’t available on one day a week as she has other clients. She wasn’t available the first weekend but says she will come in the future. She doesn’t want to come in the evenings. Mil was told that she should have other options by everyone who came into the house.
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I spoke to the care team today at my father’s nursing home. They said he is no longer using oxygen. He had been using oxygen for over 5 years for his COPD. At almost 94 (birthday next week), he is getting healthier!
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Not using, or not needing?
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I am assuming not using oxygen because he no longer needs it ?
In my experience, folks who have COPD and have used O2 for years don’t suddenly stop needing it, though they may decide to stop using it. 
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In two weeks, the auction of the house will be completed, the house will be 90% empty and after we have cleaners come we put it on the market. My sibs question whether it needs to be cleaned ; the whole house will need serious updates from the new owner, so why bother is their thought. I said it is a small town, everyone knows us, we will not mortify Mom by showing the house dirty in top of 1980’s decor.
I have been here doing doctor visits, she is consistent in her desire to die already (" I really don’t see why I have to still be here") and they are a bit concerned about this being related to her pain levels and want her to go back to the pain specialist who suggested tramadol three years ago. I realized tonight that yes, it is the pain, but she’s just waiting for the house to sell as her last “to do” item. They really can’t do anything for the pain (it’s her hip/back coming apart) and she has said for at least a decade she doesn’t want to “stick us” with the house.
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Not sure why people are questioning this, am I missing something. He has been using oxygen for many years, beginning when he was in an assisted living facility. He never used large amounts (except when he was hospitalized with covid or another infection). He is in a skilled nursing facility, I assume they check his oxygen levels regularly. If these levels are fine without him using oxygen, then he doesn’t need it. I don’t know what medications he is on, but I assume he is on some that help his COPD.
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Agree - yes, at skilled care they check VS including oxygen levels every shift. If his oxygen levels were below 90 they would be having him use oxygen. This coincides with the statement “he never used large amounts”. Perhaps his medications are bringing his lung efficiency up. And he might have been borderline on needing oxygen and then just not needing a whole lot of supplemental oxygen.
Awesome that he’s being monitored and no longer needs O2! I’m sure that makes him much more comfortable not to contend with one more thing!
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I think doctors are quick to make judgements about old people that may not hold. Years ago my father was told he would need a catheter for the rest of his life. Not true, he was able to get off it after about a year.
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We’ve been told more than once that my dad had only weeks to live. Now he is using a walker to walk on his prosthetic leg!!
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I was told I’d die in near future—25+ years ago. Since then 3 of my MDs have retired! Crystal balls are definitely flawed!
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I wrote a post yesterday about my mom and her fixation on dying. I deleted it after I wrote it out
It’s very difficult.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom this summer, five years since she died (not from Covid, but certainly those last months were more complicated by Covid). It was a stressful, lonely time. I would have benefited from the various stories posted here. Dad’s wife tends to his needs 2000 miles away, but I feel better ready for his inevitable complicated future (he’s 98) after reading the various scenarios discussed.
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