MIL called H today to tell him that it’s snowing at her place (Atlanta area). It seemed to make her happy, so I guess that’s a good thing. (And no, it’s not snowing in Atlanta, but he didn’t argue with her.)
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My fil was having trouble on Friday, went to the ED, was diagnosed with Covid and admitted to the hospital
He’s doing better but is going to be going to a rehab facility. This is for the best as he was really struggling at home.
I don’t think he will be going home, the question will be what type of care does he need and where can he go. My husband and his sibling want to find a really nice place, his mom seems to want the county facility.
Now for my vent 
What is it with my mil and that dang tv? We get to the hospital, she turns on the football game, turns up the volume to a deafening sound, tries to make conversation! She’s hard of hearing, my husband is also and his dad is profoundly hard of hearing. She’s been told over and over and over again, yet she continues to do this! It’s so frustrating!
My husband is with his parents, I came home. My husband has made the decision to stay with his sibling, where the beds are spacious and not 30 year old twin beds. And the AC is on! Yea on baby steps!
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My MIL did the same. We started bringing our good earplugs (the ones we wear at S’s metal concerts) when visiting. She no longer watches tv now, though, which is bittersweet.
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My dad liked the TV, even when he had no idea of what he was watching at all because it was something familiar and that he could control in a world that was increasingly confusing. It was deafening the volume he chose because he and mom rarely wore their hearing aids.
Dad had been a very prominent judge for nearly a decade, yet when he had Judge Judy or similar on and I tried to talk about what we were seeing he had no idea what I was talking about. I was terribly sad to me. I think the TV was “company,” but not something he could understand.
For example, he was a devout Catholic but soneimes would have the TV pastor shows (definitely not Catholic). He didn’t even realize what was on the screen. It was irritating me but he was fairly unaware of the program.
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My dad does that, too. When I call him, I can’t even make out what he’s saying because the TV is blaring so loud. I just ask him to turn it off. I don’t get it.
I mentioned before that MIL was just informed of an annuity she inherited as a spouse when FIL passed. The information about this annuity would have been in the binder FIL left in a cupboard in their kitchen, but they didn’t look at it (and subsequently “lost” it). I found the original policy in a box that was supposed to be shredded but luckily never was.
It turns out that she missed over $40,000 in distributions, which she must now take as a lump sum. Because it’s an IRA annuity (she missed several years of RMDs), she owes a 25% penalty. Fortunately, they can file a request to reduce the penalty to 10%. H arranged to have MIL’s financial advisor be named agent of record for the policy, so things should be handled well going forward.
This situation shows how easily financial planning can go awry. The tips I learned:
- Make a list or spreadsheet of every financial account (retirement, brokerage, annuities, insurance policies).
- Include all relevant information, particularly the account numbers, terms (is there a spousal benefit or does it end at owner’s death), beneficiaries, and contact information for the account.
- Gather policy documents, if possible, and keep copies in an easily accessible place.
- Keep addresses updated at all times (FIL did not update his address when he went into assisted living) - it took 4.5 years for the annuity company to track down an address for MIL (they sent it to our address).
- Inform every company of the death immediately & ask what information they require to make sure that benefits continue or beneficiaries receive funds.
- Choose a person to assist you with financial matters in the event a spouse passes. My MIL was perfectly capable of dealing with everything when FIL passed, but she simply chose not to do so - and she chose her D, who cannot manage her own finances, to help her. Be honest about who can actually provide assistance if it’s needed. Give copies of the policy list/spreadsheet to multiple people if you aren’t absolutely sure that one person will be able to understand the information well enough to properly deal with the situation.
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Great list! I have printed it out and saved it for reference - definitely on my ‘to do’ list. Also sending list to SIL’s parents who are organizing their things.
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Thanks @kelsmom. I’m working on getting all of my information together for D ( who is my POA and will be my executor). I screenshot your list.
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When I mistakenly forgot to do a full IRA distribution in good faith thinking I had taken it out, I filed an excuse and took it out as soon as I learned of it and paid no penalty. The CPA and Fidelity said I did everything correctly. IRS. never came after us for the penalty.
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MIL has a CPA prepare her taxes, so they will handle, fortunately. It would be awesome if she didn’t get any penalty, but at least if she does, 10% is better than 25%. In her case, she honestly had no clue that she was entitled to money.
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DH solved the problem for loud TV for his mother - he got a headset for her that was synced-up to the TV - and it was great for her in that she heard the TV and the rest of those in the house were spared. By having her cell phone on vibrate on her lap, she also didn’t miss calls while watching TV. If there are two watching the TV with loud volume, maybe both would be willing to wear the headsets. The headsets are very comfortable - we have in our bedroom, so if one wants to watch TV late, they can w/o the other person hearing the TV.
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Here’s another article about the issue of overlooked withdrawals.
Avoiding the 50% Penalty on Overlooked RMDs | Kiplinger I can’t remember what format I used to write my excuse letter but my CPA said it was as good as possible.
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My mom has a portable speaker which she can sit next to her to avoid the loud tv
Unfortunately I bought the same for my in-laws and it has to be connected each time it’s used. My mom’s tv auto connects when she turn on the speaker.
My mil is not able/willing/had the wherewithal to do much other than turn the tv on and off
The issue isn’t that the tv is loud. When they are home they can turn up that tv as loud as they want.
The issue is when other people are there. I don’t understand why my mil can’t or won’t turn down the volume when she’s trying to converse. Her voice is not that strong. It’s that she turns on the tv and then asks questions. That we can’t hear.
Also we’ve asked that she not have the tv volume on when people are trying to talk, my bil has talked to her. On Saturday, we picked her up at her house, asked to turn down the volume and when she got to the hospital, she did the same thing. How many times do you have to ask the same thing?
Do I think my mil is having some cognitive decline? Yes. But it’s not acute and she seems to be able to follow other directions.
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Mom’s house has been on the market 5 days. We’ve had 6 viewings and 5 offers, which we will screen and then she/Local will hear about from the realtor in person. One of the offers is from my best friend’s sister; she heard the house was going to be sold from Local’s son in law’s mother (life in a small town).
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My father in law is due to be moved to a rehab facility hopefully today. He can only remain in the hospital for 5 days and today is day 5. Of course most of them were the weekend where nothing was done but that is the rules.
I am extremely dubious that he can do any rehab but at least this is a start
Because he has Covid, he can not go to the nursing home nearest his house until 11 days after he tested positive. There is a place for him to go, it’s 30 minutes away. After day 11, he can go to another place that works for the level of care that he will need. I don’t know if it’s the Covid or just a decline but my fil is very disoriented. May be having hallucinations, not sure
My mil is lashing out according to my husband. He would like to explore assisted living places or nursing homes if he needs that level of care. His mom wants his dad at the closest place because she doesn’t want to drive across town, her very small town.. She shouldn’t be driving at all and will not consider any transportation services or any options other than the county nursing home nearest their house.
I feel bad for my husband. The good news is that he and his sibling get along and are in agreement about what to do. Neither has much experience disagreeing with their mother. The sibling still works and we are 100 miles away. My mil has a person who can drive her when fil is 30 miles away and she will have to come to that point because there are very few options.
My in-laws have a Medicare advantage plan so I will be curious how the approval process goes.
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Oh wow, that’s just everything all at once. It must be hard to see worst fears playing out when you tried so hard to persuade them all that this might happen.
Hospital disorientation is very real, but isn’t necessarily permanent in my limited experience. FIL may rally once the continuous cycle of doctors, etc. slows down in rehab. And no, he probably can’t do anything there, but rules are rules and procedures are always calling the shots. Your MIL is angry and scared and that makes sense; sometimes I see embarassment as well in my ILs, when they realize they have no plan and have been caught out.
I’m glad your DH is doing the best he can to be helpful. Hang in there. Let us know how it is going
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My dad thrived in rehab. Hoping your FIL does as well.
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I was going to post the same thing. My dad has seemed very disoriented at times while in the hospital or getting out, but then he’s fine before long. He also did well in rehab. 
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My dad was in the hospital about 8-10 days and was having hallucinations near the end of his stay. He was fully aware that he was halllucinating. I believe it was caused by lack of sleep. The constant round of doctors, shift changes, lab, meal, housekeeping was ridiculous. The doctor even wrote an order to not disturb him at night (which was promptly ignored). We were so worried about him that we didn’t send him to rehab (he didn’t have the energy for it anyway) and brought him home. I swear he slept for a week straight before he returned to normal.
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My father was also hallucinating when in the hospital. He was telling me nonsense while the doctor was next to him in his room. When he put the doctor on the phone, she was not at all concerned about it. He always gets disoriented when he has a UTI (a common thing in older people).
He bounces back when he is well and out of the hospital or rehab.
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