I went over to my Mom’s today, and her mild dementia just seemed a lot worse than usual. Right as I was leaving, I looked in her refrigerator and noticed it was completely empty except for some eggs. Only oatmeal in her pantry. No sauces, jams, liquids, none of the normal stuff you keep in your refrigerator or pantry for years. WTH? My niece moved out several months ago, and my mom has been trying to get rid of all of her stuff, but all of the food? And she hasn’t been buying any food because she’s convinced that she can’t use her credit card, there’s some problem with it, and only has a small amount of cash. She didn’t say anything to me or my sister about this. My husband goes over there 3-4 days a week to work on her house, I’m there 2-3 times a week, and my sister goes with me once. We just came back from a trip recently, so just noticed this. What in God’s name is wrong with her, she threw away all her food and then thinks she doesn’t have money to buy more (she’s wealthy)? I went and got her 6 full bags of food, and showed her that yes, her credit card works just fine and here’s plenty of cash. I wonder if the memory issues getting quickly worse were because she wasn’t eating? She could lose some weight, for sure, not worried about that, but good grief!
I also found myself getting mildly resentful at my sister for the first time, ever. She lives about 40 minutes further from my mom than her, so I totally understand why she only wants to visit once a week. But I go over there (along with my husband) for the work, to take care of mom’s problems and issues, along with social contact, and my sister is just over to hang out with us, with no responsibilities. Never bothered me before, but today I was trying to get all these things done for my mom on a timeline, and help my husband out with RV transport, so I called her and said, “Hey, I need you to do these three things”, and it was clear that they needed to be done pretty quickly. When I showed up, she’d been there for an hour, just chatting with my mom, and hadn’t done a thing. Really frustrating, kind of like she’s just there for the party. I would never mention it, though, because I love my sister and it would hurt her feelings. I think I need to ask her to take more responsibility in a tactful way.
I’m sorry. Did she ever do the three things?
Actually, I ended up having to cancel what I was going to do and stayed there and helped. My husband just mentioned that I must have been frustrated, because he clearly heard me say, “I need you to do these three things”. It was kind of weird that she blew it all off, because I never say that I need anything. Maybe that’s the problem.
My mom threw things out that didn’t make sense. It was like something in her brain told her that she needed to get rid of it. It’s hard to understand, but they don’t understand what they are doing, either. My mom also hyper focused on things that didn’t make sense, like it seems your mom is doing with her credit card. I wish I had helpful advice, but unfortunately I don’t. It’s just something you have to figure out how to deal with. My dad would talk to her doctor to have him run bloodwork to check for various things … sometimes there would be a sodium imbalance or something similar, but mostly it just was what it was. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Well, boo. I found that if I tasked my sister with some specific chore or errand she was compliant. She rarely noticed things that needed to get done, which was frustrating, but if I gave her clear direction she would follow it.
On your mom and food … I’m afraid that she has lost the cognitive ability to understand what she’s doing. I have a friend whose mom never threw out anything, and she lived in fear that her mom would eat months-old, spoiled food from the back of the fridge (only child and they lived in different states).
Co-parenting an elderly parent is a new skill set that none of us have. My siblings and I have very different roles and perspectives and sometimes I just scream into the void. You really need to be tactful but clear about each others expectations, and somehow make time to have that conversation. Resentment can pile up fast, otherwise.
My parents lost the ability to discern meals, etc. They thought they had eaten when they hadn’t; Mom was underfeeding them both and confident they were fine. One of our major worries after Dad died was her ability to manage food. It is worrisome. She continues in AL to fixate on whether she is running out of money or spending too much. God bless my SIL, who keeps buying Mom new clothes that fit and saying she bought them at a yard sale (Local reimburses her from Mom’s account).
Yikes, that would be awful if I thought my mom was eating spoiled food! I will make sure and check her frig often, though her problem seems more of tossing things as opposed to keeping them.
I’m hoping this was a one time issue that we have to keep our eyes on. She bought a lot of extremely healthy food and seemed to know exactly what she wanted. I think an issue is that she didn’t feel hungry enough to do anything about it. But now I know to pay attention to what she’s eating. Never thought it was an problem before.
It’s also important to make sure our elders DRINK fluids. They can dehydrate quickly, especially if they don’t want to wake to use the bathroom at night. Yes, they can stop drinking fluids at least 2+ hrs before bed but otherwise they can need prompting and reminding to drink enough. Some folks have a water bottle that they refill to be sure the elder drinks enough during the course of the day.
@busdriver11 that’s tough. I guess you will have to keep a close eye on what your mom is eating and what is in the house to eat. It’s hard when you worry that they aren’t taking care of themselves.
As for your sibling, I just think you have to come to terms with their shortcomings. That they aren’t the person to do what you do, that they are limited in what they can help with. It’s better to accept than it is to be irritated
In my husband’s situation, his sibling is lovely and charming and says all the right things. But doesn’t follow through, is a bit irresponsible and isn’t as helpful as they could be. What we would like is for someone to check on his parents and that does happen but I think it’s convenient to put blinders on and pretend everything is going swimmingly
I want to thank everyone who mentioned confusion and hallucinations in the hospital for older people.
my husband was so comforted when I told him that. He was so relieved!
My fil has been moved to rehab, I think he slept most of the day. But he’s doing better! Not so confused and asking where he is.
that rehab works. Yesterday he couldn’t do any weight bearing but he could 6 days ago
The bigger stress on my husband is his mom and how difficult she is being. I know things are changing for her but any suggestions are met with anger. And are ignored. It’s all about how it’s affecting her, which it is. But it’s also affecting his dad, the one who is sick. And her children. But there seems to be this issue that she’s the only one going through anything and everyone is conspiring against what she wants. My husband is very emotional and stressed.
Is this a change of personality for your MIL? If yes, my mother’s dementia first took the form of a personality change for the much worse. Only realized it was the dementia in hindsight.
As for siblings . . . . My parents put my brother in charge of the “paperwork”, making him POA, co-Trustee etc etc etc. He flaked out and literally didn’t do anything (eg get info for the accountants so their taxes could be done, approve bills so the bank could pay them etc). It got so bad that the bank handling my parents’ finances had me speak to their lawyer. I ended up suing my brother (after trying to get him to resign). I won on all counts, so now I handle everything, from finances to care decisions.
My brother, BTW, is a successful doctor. However, his life is a shambles, and my theory is that he is what was known as Aspbergers – very smart, but overwhelmed and incapable of handling things most people can manage. He neglected my parents in other ways too.
My father made my mom’s illness all about him too. So hard for everyone else. My heart goes out to your husband and your whole family.
I would say that she’s always been this way, sort of
The personality is much more pronounced now.
My husband used to think his mom was the greatest. Now he has come to terms what I’ve thought for a long time, that she is difficult and not open to any other options than hers
I would say that your sibling and my husband’s are very similar. The good news is that my husband is the financial POA. The sibling is not great with follow through, my husband is.
H’s mom also chose the flaky sibling as financial POA. Not a good choice, but her H has been handling things and is marginally better than SIL. I do my best to quietly poke my nose in when I feel it’s necessary. For all their faults, SIL & her H are doing okay helping MIL out … H & I would do things differently, but we keep our mouths shut and are grateful for what they do. The big difference for us is that MIL is in AL, so her basic needs are met by staff. If that was not the case, it would be awful, TBH.
Some people get mad when they are confused or about changes they are uncomfortable with. It’s upsetting for everyone but it is their defense strategy. My dad was this way and it made it tougher to help him. I hope things improve! Maybe some medical cannabis?
Has any tried a landline call blocker device that plugs into the landline phone? My parents are constantly called and always answer, regardless of the caller ID. Their landline comes through the retirement community and doesn’t support a provider-centered spam blocker. They don’t use cell phones. So the only solution I can see are these call blocker devices. I see there is a kind that only allows calls from numbers you pre-authorize and I’m not sure I’d be able to guess all those numbers. There is another kind that blocks calls it identifies as spam or robocalls. I like this approach but am not sure how well it actually works. The devices get mixed reviews and I wonder if they’re worth it.
When my dad was declining, my mother became pretty difficult. We decided I was her “anger magnet” and I tried to accept the role as best I could — it’s distressing when you are trying to help and all they do is yell and complain and throw up roadblocks. It took months before she processed her anger — at my dad, at the doctors, at us, at the world, at the situation she couldn’t handle or fix. It’s very real, and really frustrating.
Yes, my dad was used to being in charge. When he got less and less able to manage things, it made him angry and he’d be mad at whomever was nearest, which was often H and me. We tried not to be personally offended and see it as the confusion that he was trying to process, but it was hard.
My dad was like that, too. After my mom died, I stayed after my brothers went home. My dad was incredibly mean to me after they left, and at first I was really hurt … but I came to understand that he needed to vent at the world, and I was the one person he knew would still love him despite his behavior. I’m not going to pretend that it was easy, but we did get through it. My mom’s health decline had been a lot harder on him than he was willing to admit, and it really took a toll on him.