Could you hire someone to come by once/evening to check on mum—that she had dinner, took her Rx and switched to stationary concentrator for sleep? That could provide some continuity. I know at my folks’ CCRC, we could hire someone to come by for morning and evening checks at reasonable cost. I think we could hire at 15 minute or 1 hour increments.
When we had caregivers, they wrote info in a composition notebook so other caregivers & family could review I also made spreadsheet of tasks we wanted done so they could check them off for each date and it was clear which we wanted done.
I wonder if you have tried to ‘pretalk’ about meals as to the varying problems that she homes in on - maybe compliment her on how well she did with her gourmet meals as a cook. If they serve too small portions, it seems that if one wanted more of something they could have it. Most will only want smaller portion sizes, and it keeps down the waste.
To me it may be a psychological thing - it perhaps makes her feel elevated by the complaints, because that was an area she excelled at.
Nice that you have your aunt to ‘tag team’ a bit.
IDK how much grief support you have sought out when your DH died but allow yourself to fully be at peace – lost him too young. The upcoming holidays often can be challenging - it is still a fresh loss.
Maybe journaling will help you, as well as your community - be it those that help you put some fun/new life in your days, some that can help be reflective, whatever your soul needs.
H & I had to talk with his sister about not allowing their mom to be mean to her. We told her to tell MIL that she will return another day when MIL will hopefully be in a better mood. We assured her that she’s not abandoning MIL. It’s my MIL’s choice not to participate in the life going on around her (she’s in AL) - and it’s not SIL’s job to entertain her daily just because MIL doesn’t want to enjoy life outside her room. It’s hard for SIL, because she feels responsible for MIL’s happiness … but MIL is a grown woman, she is in a living situation in which she is safe and comfortable, and she is going to be fine if SIL says, “See ya,” once in awhile to keep her sanity.
This is key - if you know they are safe, you can step back. I think having the burden of making sure the person eats, takes medicine, etc. is too much for a family member. It makes sense to pay somebody to do that for you (or maybe she needs assisted living where it will be done for her.)
The other advantage of someone being there in person (even for short visit) is to verify that the loved on actually DID what they claimed to have done. It’s easy to say, “yup, did everything,” but whether each thing was actually done can be very different.
If anybody is on Long Island (Amityville area), I know of sweet caregiver/companion. My semi-retired cousin is looking for more clients. PM me if you want more info.
@HImom Mom’s IL does have an AL floor, where they have a deal with an outside company that provides caregivers. These can be hired hourly, so we have looked into that. What mom doesn’t like is having someone different traipsing through her apartment. I was trying to change the caregiver to 4 hours a day, 5 days a weeks, but the woman she likes needs/wants at least a 40 hour week. I absolutely understand that as she is going through possibly infertility treatments.
Mom was in a good mood last night, so I gave her the options. Truthfully, I don’t think she needs anyone, although there are moments she could use help-opening jars, pouring a full jug of water into her water glass, reaching items on low or high shelves, buttoning a shirt, etc.. None of these things require a caregiver around all the time. My guess is we will drop the caregiver totally for now, and can always go back if needed. This means I am back to doing her laundry as their machines are at the end of the hall, and a long walk to find out both machines are in use. I was taking her laundry before, and not a big deal to do it again, although it was nice while it lasted. I told mom the caregivers were very expensive for housekeeping, and if she really wanted, I would have someone come in a clean once a month. We had hired my aunts cleaning service once, and mom refused to have them as they don’t clean well. Not sure why she thinks or knows that, as my aunts house seems clean enough for me.
It is easy for me to do the laundry at my house as I throw it in with mine. She doesn’t have much, so if she isn’t able to get a machine when she goes down, I just pick it up when I am next there.
My aunt tried to do it a couple of times, but because she uses scented detergent for her own laundry, even when using mom’s unscented, mom says she can smell it on her clothes and sheets. Mom has always been very sensitive to smells, and it bothers her asthma, so it is just easy to do it myself. This is one area I am willing to indulge her! But yes, she could pay one of the building housekeepers to do it.
I have a minor vent about my mom who is 85 and barely 100 lbs. Our area got an early snow storm overnight. After I cleared my property, then I went to mom’s to see if the service company already did it or if I need to it. (Due to ICE activities in the area, I wasn’t sure if they could come today.). When I drove up, I saw that the driveway was already shoveled so I was pleased that the service came by already. It wasn’t them. A neighbor shoveled for her since he saw her trying to shovel on her own at 7 am. For the last 5 years, I have always shoveled her property, if the service can’t come soon, after I do my property. Mom knows that, but she thought she was “helping me” by trying to do it herself. She has no patience to wait a couple of hours for me to drive to her house. We go through this same scenario every winter, and several times over the season, where I remind her not to attempt such activity because she can get seriously injured. I also remind her if she falls and breaks her hip or something, then she is causing more undue stress to me. Either she doesn’t understand or she willingly does not care to listen to my plea. Since my dad passed 3 years ago, I handle pretty much all aspects of her house activities in addition to all aspects of her life. I really can’t handle one more thing if she injures herself due to making a grave mistake.
My father’s house has a long, sloping driveway. Eventually we talked him into hiring a plow to come. In his 80s, he’d tell me “I’m getting old… can only work at the driveway 2 hours at a time. Yesterday it took me three trips out to get out done”. Yikes that would have been a lot even for me.
Make a very complete list of all the things which she needs help with and decide which ones you will do and which ones you will pay for somebody else doing. Yes, laundry might be easy, but on top of 5 other things you are doing for her each week, if may make sense to drop the laundry. Seeing a complete list will help you organize yourselves around what her needs really are at this point in time.
I was always happy to help my mom with her laundry in last few years. The difference was…. 1) she rarely asked for favors 2) she was incredibly appreciative 3) she did a lot of hand wash to minimize my burden 4) she was very pleasant, never complained. 5) she had enough stuff that it was ok if I took me a week to get it back. Yea - I was really fortunate. In snowball’s situation, methinks I’d suggest sending out the laundry.
Just wondering what else she has to talk about? Better to hear about meals than every ache and pain she’s got. The world shrinks a lot with age.
My aunt was in IL for years but read the paper, kept up with the news, read books etc. At 95 she was complaining that she was tired of listening to those around her talk about their grandchildren as the only topic of conversation and wished mostly for a friend who lived outside their little boxes.
My mom was like this. With her snow removal and cutting the grass. Hiring out didn’t work well because she was fussy and I think she wanted to decide when the job needed to be done (like the grass - why do they come when it’s not long yet?!!). But we were all still working and couldn’t come at a drop of a hat to do the task - so she’d just do it herself! She was doing her grass till close to 85. She died at 88 and the day before was helping my husband and brother rake leaves and mulch them. She could not be stopped.
I think when it was a job that needed to be done (like snow that came during the night) she could not get it out of her mind that that task needed to be done. And honestly, I think she took a lot of pride in taking care of her yard and it bugged her that she shouldn’t/couldn’t. So she would do what she could in small bursts if someone didn’t get there fast enough!
We had plenty of discussions about it - finally we just had to make peace that we were doing what we could, she wanted some ownership of the decisions for her yard and that if she was willing to accept the consequences, then we had to be ok with that too.
She did finally decide that icy driveway or sidewalks was her limit. Thank goodness!
Ownership of decisions for things far beyond yard work is the goal. Did all the medical decisions or life choices my elderly parents or aunt great in my opinion? No, I could have probably done more to make them “safer” in some way at times but it would’ve run contrary to what they wanted. They were capable of making those decisions and while I voiced my opinion at times I also decided that they knew the consequences and it was ultimately their life to decide and to respect that.
Same. And the people we hired to do it for her were unfailingly prompt and helpful.
We took her shovel away and then had the hired people (a couple of neighbors related to my SiL) tell Mom that SiL threatened to fire them if we ever found out Mom was out in the snow before they got it cleared. Even the mailman told mom he’d get fired if she fell in the driveway going for the mail, asked her to please let him bring it to the door. Those, combined, got her to finally stop! It’s so aggravating and worrisome!
We told her yes, of course, she could stay at the house all alone , but since she couldn’t/wouldn’t stop doing the stairs to do laundry every damn day (her solution to not being strong enough to carry very much was to only take a small pile down, and then she admitted that sometimes she came up the stairs hands-and-knees) , anyway, Preferred told her yes we’d make that work by knocking out a kitchen wall and having the laundry brought upstairs. A couple months of this back and forth plus a huge thunderstorm that brought trees down, and she decided she’d had enough of homeownership!
I agree with most of your mom’s experience and feeling. Mine is similar to a point - she wants to do it when she wants it done, but doesn’t really know how to do any of it because she can’t lift more than 3 pounds for more than 10 minutes. She also has never done physical work outside the home. Dad did all of it. Mom thinks she is helping me but I know she is more cost conscious. (She can’t figure out how to change AC to heat in her car, but she can calculate numbers in her head like a computer.) She (and dad) are famous for penny wise and pound foolish decisions. I spent my adult life fixing things after their decisions on many things due to penny wise and pound foolish practice. I’m tired of fixing. I want an easy button.
Mom, like so many of everyone’s parents on CC, wants to pay for service just for an hour or every other week when needed. She hired the least expensive weekly landscape service ($20 per week) but does not like the $60 per snow removal service that the company offers. I explained that the crew has to make money one way or another - the summer work is very inexpensive. A handful of time of snow removal should not be an issue. The compromise is that the service only comes after 2” of snow and I do it on other days.
I also hoped mom will sell the house after dad passed three years ago and move into a smaller condo. Whenever the subject was broached, she said maybe and agreed to look at a few condos. After each viewing, she panics about it and just can’t imagine how she can live in a strange place. Just like dad who said he wanted to die at home, mom will most likely stay in her home until the very end.
One of my friends’ mom did this too in addition going down on her bum. She did it until age 94! She is now 96 and lives in an assisted living facility. Thank god!
I was trying to change the caregiver to 4 hours a day, 5 days a weeks, but the woman she likes needs/wants at least a 40 hour week. I absolutely understand that as she is going through possibly infertility treatments.
Mom has always been very sensitive to smells, and it bothers her asthma, so it is just easy to do it myself. This is one area I am willing to indulge her! But yes, she could pay one of the building housekeepers to do it.