I’m so sorry. Keep venting. Rest, take care.
When there’s a storm, put on a raincoat. She is who she is, I’m sorry.
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I’m sorry this is so tough. When we were at this point in my mom’s care, I started therapy. I knew that I was grieving the idea that we were never going to have the relationship I wished we could, and I needed to figure out how to care for her while also caring for myself.
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I’m so sorry. First, this does not show you in an unfavorable light or make you seem uncaring. If you didn’t care, this wouldn’t eat at you so much.
You are doing all that you can and more. You are enough.
Your mother hasn’t changed and won’t change. She won’t see you for who you are and she won’t validate your experiences and feelings.
I’m glad for your aunt and your friends. You need to allow them to hear you. And we can hear and see you too.
Hugs
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My answer is going to sound more uncaring. You need to put yourself first and distance yourself from her negativity. Maybe you shouldn’t answer the phone every time she calls, maybe you should visit less often, etc. As long as you know she is safe and well cared for then you are doing your job as a loving daughter.
My father reached a point a few years ago, where I knew nothing would make him happy (except complaining). He is in a nursing home where he is well cared for, and I have a clear conscience that all is well with him. I don’t answer every time he calls, when I talk to him I keep the call short, etc. Honestly, it has made my life much better.
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You don’t seem uncaring. If you were, none of this would bother you. You are dealing with a lot. Do not feel bad if sometimes you do need to step back.
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@snowball I agree, you do NOT seem uncaring. Sad, worn out, worried, with a dash of unwarranted guilt to finish off. But no, not uncaring.
This is the best place to vent because you will be seen and you won’t wear out the friends. You don’t have to reply to the advice nor take it, but can mull it over and see what fits your situation.
Some of us have been through it already and might have tips, some of us are adjacent with tips. My own case, Mom became sweeter when she was more demented. She still lied (or forgot, who knows). There came a point when I just had my head down and knew I’d done the best I could. My brother did the best he could (even though *I* thought he dropped some balls he could have caught, but he did the best he could.)
Even though she has been gone now 8 years (and don’t ask how long it took to settle her estate!) I am still reassuring myself that I did the best I could and that was all I could do. I couldn’t do everything. I couldn’t keep her in my home as she did her mother. I couldn’t make her happy. But she was safe and cared for and she knew I loved her. The passing of time lets you know that she did the best she could too and she loved as she was able.
Keep venting here, there are lots of shoulder to sob on and lots of arms to give a hug and share the burden. You’ll get though it.
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You are not uncaring. I could write this exact story about my FIL who is in AL. SIL helps him all the time but he complains constantly, nothing she does is good enough, and he says horrible things about SIL to me. (I have told him it is mean and he needs to appreciate everything she does, but I think he somehow enjoys the power he has over her). The first time he was nasty to me I told him I would not allow him to treat me like that and I was going to leave- he quickly apologized and hasn’t done it again. I told SIL to walk away and not answer her phone when he is mean, but she can’t bring herself to do it, so he continues to treat her like trash. As the daughter it is so hard to set boundaries and actually walk away, but you need to protect your mental and physical health. You have been through so much already and you deserve love and support. 
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My dad was very much like this. I went to a therapist to help me with boundaries but it was really really hard. My heart goes out to you.
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I’m so sorry for all who are dealing with relatives and parents who are mean, unappreciative and difficult. Having aging loved ones is tough enough for everyone but throw in these elements and it quickly escalates.
Dad would get very angry when he was confused or upset or knew he wasn’t in charge. It was tough but fortunately we were mostly able to let it slide off our back.
Mom was very sweet until the end, even when in great pain. We were very lucky she was around for several years after dad passed and we could spend time with just her. She was very forgetful and repeatedly herself a lot and got increasingly frail.
Please take good care of yourselves! @snowball you’ve weathered the loss of your spouse and dad. Now you have to contend with a very negative mother. I agree that therapy sounds like it could be very helpful. Everyone else handling care for aging loved ones, please also take care!
I have not read of anyone being portrayed as anything but doing their best. Caring for anyone is hard but negative elders make it so much tougher! Please give yourselves and others trying to help some grace for doing their best under difficult times.
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First of all, I feel that same. That I’m posting here because I’m not sure what else to do.
Understand that you have an extra burden of losing your husband, that you grieve and it has put your life off kilter.
I don’t know if it helps me, my bil always says that as people age, they lose that filter that allows them to regulate their emotions. So any personality traits they have become more pronounced.
My own mom was also catered to by my dad. We didn’t know how much he put up with her moods until after he was gone. My mil has always been in charge of everything, giving up any control is a huge fight, no matter how big or how small.
As far as a solution, if you haven’t sought counseling, I urge you to do so. This is a hard part of life, you have lost your best friend and your mom has decided to make it difficult for you. I’m glad you do have a support system
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@snowball you are doing a great job under difficult conditions. I can empathize a bit. My own mother was not the kindest her whole life. But as she aged, she got more difficult.
I was told that every elderly person (and especially those with dementia…is that a concern with your mom?) have a “target” and usually it’s the person closest to them who is trying to help them. I was the target for my mom, but she was very sweet to my husband and my kids.
I was advised to not remain if the situation got nasty. In fact, I was escorted OUT of an emergency room cubicle by the nursing staff when things got nasty. They advised me to leave if things got bad, because that usually broke the cycle when nothing I could say would.
Is there a particular time of day when your mom is the least pleasant? If so, avoid those times.
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@snowball i don’t know if this is helpful at all
My sibling lost her spouse at a relatively young age, before they were 50. Still had kids at home. My dad had passed away a few years before
I’ve always noticed that my mom seems to lack empathy. Instead of mom being supportive, she would say things like now your sister knows what I went through. Not in a mean way but more in a now we are in the same club.
Frankly it wasn’t the same. I don’t know, my mom’s response was weird.
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You seem like a very devoted daughter who has been through a tremendously traumatic experience and now is forced to manage eldercare on top of that. I can’t imagine doing any better than you have done, and it’s okay if you don’t want to do that every single day, forever, with no sense of gratitude in return.
I have often come here because this community has a good sense of the challenges and no wish to judge or second guess. You should come as often as is useful – to vent, to roll your eyes, to tell us of your new plans. It’s okay. You can do this. You are already doing it.
Put some distance between you and your mom when you need to, that doesn’t make you terrible imho. The first rule of eldercare, they say, is to take care of yourself. Your mom sounds angry and cornered and no amount of understanding will make that feel better when she’s yelling at you (ask me how I know!). I’m sorry this is happening —
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This is not a parent story, just an example of “losing the filter”. There’s an elderly church lady that I’ve helped a bit since Covid, at her house and during various nursing home stays. She can get grumpy, ire whipped up by watching Fox news (not my favorite). Usually I can get her over to happy conversation. A few weeks ago I stopped by with some tea from our London visit. She ranted with expletives, would not accept the gift or let me stay. Told me to never come back. You know what? I’m not family (she has none, except nephews in other states). And I don’t want to see her agitated again (for her sake and mine). So I don’t have plans to return, at least not for a very long time. I might drop off a piece of pie at the nurse’s station on Thanksgiving.
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You’re a gem @snowball . You have spent a lot of time being a caretaker the last few years. Which is already a very hard job to do.
To add to what everyone else has said above, I’d also say that you are allowed to not take the emotional abuse (to a degree, that’s how I see it) and give a little back - what I mean is it’s ok to say, “mom, if you speak to me like that I’m going to have to leave the room/leave for today because I am doing my best and I won’t allow anyone -even my mother - to talk to me in a hurtful way”. Or say out loud “I want to spend time with you and help you but I will not do it until you respect my time and feelings”. Whatever. I hate to say it, but think what you might say to a young child or teenager if they acted this way.
To keep in all the hurt is not helping you and will affect the way you help her.
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Thank you all for your replies; they help me to know I am doing all I can do. 
To reply to a few of the questions- Mom does not have dementia; it might be easier to accept her behavior if I thought she had no control. She is normally a reasonable person, but likes things her way, and her way only. This is nothing new with her, but do think it has escalated as she has gotten older. I do also realize that she doesn’t feel great, scared of what is next as she ages, and doesn’t like being old. While the caregivers were appreciated when she really needed the care, now that she can do most everything herself, she wants them gone. I may have not worded my post correctly-mom is not ugly to me, she just is argumentative. A conversation may end in her saying I don’t understand what she means. She will then end the conversation and say she has to hang up.
While I do talk to mom daily, I do not go to see her everyday. My visits center around grocery and medication drop off, taking her to appointments, and household repairs, etc.. My aunt (her sister) and I talk/text several times a day; if I feel mom needs something, and I need a break, my aunt takes care of it. That said, my aunt is a bull in a china shop, and gets a bit nuts herself, so I can’t overload her at the age of 82!
As mom was forgetting to take her medication a few times, I have her call me at night when she takes her evening dose. If I don’t hear from her by 10:00, I call her; last night she forgot to call and I woke her when I called. She said she took her meds; hope she was right. She also will go down to dinner at her IL some nights, so I like to know she made it back up, switched her oxygen from the portable to the home concentrator, and got in bed. When she goes down, they can sit and talk until after 9:00pm. As mom refuses to wear a medical alert device, this phone call is what we came up with. Of course, many nights I get to hear how awful dinner was, but I just change the subject. The funny thing is, she will start the conversation with, “I know you don’t like to hear about this,” and then processed to describe what was served, how small the portion was, how it was cold, undercooked, someone didn’t get their meal, what was left off the plate, and took an hour to get to the table! This is an every night occurrence. Mom was a gourmet cook, so I do understand the food served at her place is underwhelming, but she has been there almost 2 years, quit talking about it!!
As far as my husband, he was mom’s favorite, and I think his death hit her harder than my dad’s. You can somewhat expect someone to die at 90, but not 64. Mom and dad married when they were 17 and 18; my husband and I started dating when we were 16, so he was a part of our family for a long time. In hind site, moving mom so soon after my husband’s illness was not a great idea, although with mom, there never would have been a great time. She was willing to go then, so we grabbed the opportunity. Of course, she tells people we made her move, which is not true at all. Were we happy she would go somewhere with friends and social activities, absolutely!
Keep those words of wisdom coming. They are a huge help for me and others.
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I don’t think your post sounds uncaring at all.
You clearly care about your mom a lot. But you’re out of proverbial spoons, leaving no spoons for you to handle pretty much anything else in your life.
This might sound terrible, but if I were in your shoes and she was my mom, I’d stop paying for the in-home care out of my own pocket and I’d put my mom in a nursing home. Even if it meant my mom would deplete her remaining savings. Even if it meant that at some point once her savings was gone, she’d have to go on Medicaid and go into a Medicaid-funded facility instead.
Even if your mom doesn’t have dementia per se, she may have loosened or lost any filter she had. As you mention she knows you don’t want to hear about the meal but chooses to talk about it. Can you change the subject? There are medication systems that dispense a dose a day — it’s easy to know if you/patient administered the dose.
Maybe calling less often or having someone else call on alternate days would make life easier. My spouse is in his 80s, as are his friends. They can do a significant amount of helping—maybe splitting the daily call duty with your aunt—mom’s sister?
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Your needs come first!! Because that nastiness directed at you could affect your health, and even affect your life expectancy.
It is absolutely fine to set boundaries. My mother got incredibly nasty to me as her dementia got worse. I used to say to her (when it was really bad) “I know you can’t help it, but I do not allow anyone to talk to me this way, so I will be leaving now”. And go.
We kept my Dad at home, with caregivers, and could have with my mother. We didn’t because 1) she hated living at her house (that was the dementia also, my parents had built it 20 years earlier, and it was her “dream” home) and 2) it would have killed me!
Even though your mother doesn’t have dementia, you can still say what I did 
My mom is now in memory care, and she is nice again, as she has declined. But for years I most certainly was her target!
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Why? @snowball said her mom can do most things independently now. Just needs to check in re: some medical issues, but the mom is able to do that. That is not “skilled care” needy.
Plus, the mom is in independent living right now. At some point, maybe a transition to assisted living could be considered if independent isn’t working. But it doesn’t sound like that is now either.
If the mom really doesn’t need the caregivers AND @snowball doesn’t become the caregiver…then eliminate them. Or reduce them to a couple of half days to do things like housekeeping, shopping, and laundry.
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