@Colorado_mom are they in a small town? We were so fortunate to find the care we had for my Dad last year before he passed away. My Mom was 82 and helping my Dad up when he fell down which was not good. My parents came to terms with the fact that they would have to pay (not cheap) to get the help they needed. Is your Dad concerned about being able to afford care or can they just not find it?
That is definitely an issue for my mil. She will accept help if that help is covered by either the state or insurance. Itâs when she has to pay for it thatâs the problem
Even though they can.
Although some things she not willing to do at all. Like use transportation that the county senior services has
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NYC transit buses here are âleaningâ (tilt down at the front door at stops) and also have a fold-out ramp for wheelchairs and walkers. When a wheelchair passenger boards, one of the sets of seats parallel to the sides is folded up and the driver secures the wheelchair. When this started, it took forever but now, 10ish years later itâs totally accepted by all, including the drivers.
Have you ever observed the buses she would be taking?
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When we go next, we can ask to see the bus and how to board
I suspect that there is a way for those with less mobility to board a bus at an independent/assisted living place!
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They originally had hoped to get some free help via Medicare (and might have qualified for a bit of skilled nursing right after he came home from rehab had they not procrastinated). Over time, theyâve realized they will have to pay, and despite his wife telling people otherwise he really is willing to pay. It has taken them a while to get past sticker shock, and they seem to have concerns whether they pay per hour (housekeeper spends too much on her cellphone) or per job (housekeeper leaves too fast).
I think what they really need is a shower helper. Dad says âwe canât decide what we needâ. (which was part of the reason I involved palliative care folks to help assess). For understandable reasons, theyâve been hesitant to sign a 6 month contract that was required by one company.
Most home health aid agencies want $35/hr, minimum 8 hours per week (in 4 hour blocks - which I understand from a travel logistics standpoint). Theyâd prefer an hour or two a day help which they are unlikely to find. Dadâs wife has gotten past her impractical requirements that the helper come with personal reference (from one of their friends), be a full citizen, speak perfect English⌠and charge under $20/hr.
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I think at this point you are right and that your Dad and his wife are going to have to commit to what they are able to get.
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I heard the same thing when we were interviewing people from the home health agency for my in-laws
I had to be there because my husband had a prior commitment that he couldnât get out of.
They had a person who would come in, do light cleaning and walk the dog. But imo needed personal care help which they had for exactly one weekend before letting them go. No they couldnât come for an hour to help with the showers and go. Which my mil didnât think they needed. This was August.
Water under the bridge now as fil is in a nursing home and completely bedridden.
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MIL had 7 sisters (MIL was the youngest sister) and 5 brothers. One of the older sisters was âcompetitiveâ with another about the desire to live longer - and she did, although she had some dementia issues which made it difficult for her family (verbiage was mean and not her). MIL didnât want to be âthe last to goâ and her younger brother outlived her by only a short time.
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One of the advantages of living in CCRC was we could hire and pay for shorter period of assistanceâ1hr in the morning to administer Rx, help shower, start laundry and escort them to breakfast. One hour in evening to administer rx, help shower (if refused in am), take them for a short walk, dry laundry, fold & put away. It worked ok for a while, with each of us visiting as well, and brother installed cameras so he could keep an eye on things.
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Normally, there are minimum hour commitments that companies (and good caregivers) want, because there is transit time and they need to know itâs worth their while. Many companies do require 4 hour minimum time blocks and a commitment of a certain # of hours per time period so that they can schedule and know what staffing they need. The company providing the workers needs to have workerâs compensation insurance and also needs to be sure to deduct for Social Security & other expenses to protect both the worker and YOU! Some staff are also bonded, as sometimes there are accusations (especially among demented) that items/money is stolen. Itâs important to clean the premises of items that would be upsetting if theyâre get âmisplaced.â
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I know a couple of home health aides who work for NYC (or agencies contracted by the city) and I keep their contact info to share when I hear of someone who needs some weekend shifts. I used them myself with dad and stepmother a while ago and can vouch for them.
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I guess I should start collecting names of good caregivers as well, as who knows when one may be needed? None of us are getting any younger.
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FiL/MiL are much like @deb922âs â thereâs no convincing, no cajoling, and no overriding. It will have to be a medical crisis and even then, theyâll continue to stonewall. At 83/84, their âplanâ is to stay in theIr multi level home until one of them dies. They deny they will ever need help, wonât move now, and are certain that if they do need help, theyâll just hire someone.
Of course, parents so rarely seem to notice they need help? MiL is imagining she might need cleaning help, and DH is thinking she canât remember to take meds or refill them or avoid eating spoiled or freezer burned food. You canât hire someone to fix that. Honestly, I think they expect BIL to live with them, and he just might. BiL is unwilling to confront them about how they are setting up a disaster and figures it will all be okay in the end. Thinks heâll rent a UHaul and move them some weekend when it all goes south, and then heâll hire somebody to clear the property. He did this for his wifeâs 102 yr old aunt and âit only cost like $100 bucksâ so he figures it might be âa little moreâ for a 3,000 sq ft home with 6 outbuildings and a 4 car garageâŚ.
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Greenbutton, I wish I had magic words for you. Someone needs to come up with a more clever term than âwaiting for a crisisâ. It seems that the angst is worse for the âanticipatory caregiversâ as those who need support are in denial.
Our situation: At 92/96, they were living at home and had just had the living room converted to a bedroom so they thought that this one-level-living would be the answer. In less than a week, SMom fell and broke her back.
That was the ticket to assisted living. My father went into respite care while SMom went to rehab. When she got out, she needed to join him there as we could not arrange suitable home care for them. He was accepting. She was angry for monthsâat her situation and at me for forcing the assisted living home.
I had SMom re-do her will as it listed me as executor and her other documents were incomplete. The new document listed her niece as executor.
She has no kids and his kids live 6-10 hours away by car.
My brothers and I then had to sell the car, get the house cleaned out, sell the house, sell a major real estate investment (that was encumbered with debt) â all before Dad died in May 2025.
We should be able to have his estate closed by the end of 2025. (That would be less than a year in NYS!). We need to oversee a tax return for married filing jointly and a tax return for the business that was sold after his death.
Maybe i wrote too much here. But it will all work out, step-by-step. But in the middle, it is grueling.
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Smart to get the will and other documents updated. Glad you were able to get through NY probate.
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My dad signed the updated will, yay. All the legal issues about the family partnership were addressed and my sister and I are still the beneficiaries. One task taken care of!
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My mom called this afternoon because she had fallen asleep around 3, woke up at 4 and didnât know what day it was because itâs dark outside. She didnât know if it was time for breakfast or time for dinner.
I told her Iâd call her tomorrow for lunch and dinner. Whoâda thunk of this? (And yes, she does have a timepiece that displays the date, day, time, and part of the day â but she doesnât always believe it)
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Hard to know. When I was a kid, I once got up and started eating milk/cereal because I though it was almost 7am. Turns out I read the clock wrong, and it was more like 11:35pm.
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My mom has also been confused by the time change and asked if it was morning or night.
I have started this post a couple of times, and then delete as I donât really know my purpose in posting. To be honest, it will not show my best side, and will make me look uncaring, but here goes.
My mother is wearing on my nerves, and if I am not careful, I am going to give her an earful, and that will not benefit either of us. Mom has always been negative and a complainer, at least with family; she is a delight with her friends. My dad always gave her what she wanted as it was just easier to keep her happy. Loved my dad, but blame him for spoiling her and being so passive, but I also know he did what he had to do. I didnât realize how selfish mom was until dadâs death 6 ½ years ago, when my husband and I oversaw her bills and care.
The last time I blew up at her was when we were moving her to an IL where one of her friends lived, just 2 months after my husband died. She was complaining about one thing after another about the downsizing and move; telling me no one cared about her. I broke down and cried telling her I was doing the best I could under the circumstances; she was quiet for a few days.
Mom had a hospital stay 2 months ago due to pneumonia, and had been on supplemental oxygen since then. While she is feeling better, at 94, it definitely took a toll on her. In typical mom form, I get the brunt of her anger. I know she gets angrier when she doesnât feel well, or doesnât like the way things are going. I wish I could say this is age related, but she has been like this as long as I can remember, it is just I now hear it all instead of my dad. My new phrase is mom is not happy unless she is unhappy and complaining. She also has taken to lying; she tells me one thing, then tells the caregiver something else. Or tells me something, then tells her sister, who I am very close to, that I refused to do X or told her Y, when neither are true.
For the first 4 weeks, I had 24 hour care with her, and dropped it to 8 hours a few weeks ago. She is ready to not have the caregivers, so I was going to stop them next week. While this is money I need to save for my own potential care, so as not to burden my kids, I did feel the care was needed, for mom and my sanity! Her regular caregiver takes a day or 2 off, where either her sister or mother came instead. This is a delightful family, and I think they do a great job with mom. Today, the regular caregiver told mom she wouldnât be there Sunday and Monday, something I have know all week. We were both chicken to tell mom as we knew she wouldnât be happy. Not 5 minutes after the caregiver left, mom called me to tell me how she can not have âthose peopleâ in her house sitting in her chair and staring at her. Momâs place is small, so other than sitting in the LR with her, there isnât anywhere else for them to be.
This past week was the 2nd year anniversary of my husbandâs death. While mom knew I was going to the cemetery after I visited with her, she didnât say a word to me. The next day I told her about my visit; she still didnât acknowledge the date. She was able to tell me about the fig newton I brought the week before were not fresh and they were a different package than before; I bought the exact package from the same store, but she insisted she was right!
As there doesnât seem to be any way to keep mom happy, how do I keep my sanity and not bite my tongue off? If I didnât laugh, I would cry and I am not a crier. My aunt and I commiserate, sharing the stories she tells each of us. When my mother would tell a story, it always had details that were not true. She would be telling a group about my son as a child, with details that were made up. My uncle uses to say, âDonât let the true get in the way of a good story.â When talking about mom. My 2 closest friends listen and are good listeners, but I hate burdening them all the time. Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg, and it is already too much. I care about my mother, and want her cared for, but she is bleeding me emotional. The financial will work its way out, assuming she doesnât need care forever.
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