Combination of smile and nod, pick your battles and do what’s necessary despite the protestations.
My mom would battle with me over every small thing until I finally just took care of things without asking. I decided at some point that she was just SO against any change to her environment or routine that it would be a losing battle to discuss change. She did accept it once a change was made without her having to actively make the decision.
(I’m talking small things not life decisions. But even the small stuff wears you down.)
I visited my aunt today - she is in a county skilled nursing facility about 2.5 hours from me. I wasn’t expecting it to be as nice as it was. The facility is not fancy, but it’s very clean - and staff was more engaged with residents than I have seen in any of the three expensive AL facilities my MIL has been in. It’s clear that staff cares very much about residents, and they are committed to providing a comfortable environment for them. My aunt is there as a Medicaid patient, and I am just so happy that there is this option for her (we don’t have anything similar in my county). Even better, the small city in which they live has great public transit options, so my uncle (who uses a scooter and can’t drive) is able to visit her every day.
Ugh, wondering if anyone has advice for us. Dad has started ordering a bunch of [stuff] over the phone and online. He’s donating money to questionable organizations, and he almost fell for a warranty scam. His Lady Friend happened to be in the room and convinced him to hang up the phone. She is worried about him - he’s so vulnerable. And then when a delivery (like a large quantity of vitamins) appears, he doesn’t remember placing the order. The caregivers are good about listening in, but he gets very upset at them if they suggest he not order something. We really need to take his credit card away, but how do we do it??
At this point, he has control of so few things… he’d not want his credit card taken away. Perhaps he’d allow you to sign up to get notifications of each charge, “to ensure no international and/or fraudulent charges (a big problem these days) are being made”. Now elderly scamming is also a big problem these days, but no need to point out you’d also be watching for that.
I actually set this up on my own Chase Visa card, after a scare with cancel (and then quick cancel) of a possibly fraudulent European hotel booking site. It does clutter my email (especially in Europe, since every charge gets an email for International as well as the usual email for the charge). But it can be helpful to get reminders of all the various autopays etc.
We got my mom a visa gift card with 1000 on it. She can’t overspend, and if it is stolen or compromised it isn’t a catastrophe. Her “regular” credit card is kept separately and I get the statements emailed directly to me so we know if she’s done something odd. We deleted the automatically saved # from amazon, etc.
I know of people who have successfully had a parent’s credit limit reduced by calling the company. Might not be possible anymore, but you have POA? Could make it simpler.
Oh, no! My bff’s mom fell prey to these supplement scams and lost so much money – money she did not have to spare. Let me ask her what she finally did to end it. I remember that it took a long time.
Talk to his financial advisor. She seems to have a good grasp on everything. But I do agree that someone needs to get a text notification of every charge that he makes. Then you can cancel the scammy ones.
My dh, and I and even my 25 yr old dd all do that just as a precautionary measure as there are so many things out there that are not on the up and up.
It might go over better coming from his advisor.
Another idea might be to keep his “needs” on current credit card, which you can offer to handle. It probably is already set up with various autopays etc (that may need to get updated when new expiration card comes - you could be a good helper there). Then get him a new, low credit limit card for “wants”.
Yes, that’s what I’m thinking. The financial advisor we (he) hired is talking to him this afternoon. I’m going to have her suggest this as a better way of tracking his expenses.
After my stepdad passed away we found a bunch of junk he got for entering sweepstakes. We never figured out now much he lost. I have a friend whose dad fell for a sweepstakes where he won a car. The fraudsters even asked what color his wife would like. I hope there is a special place in hell for those who pray on the elderly.
My sister-in-law ordered a walker to be delivered to her dad. He says he is sending it back. He is stubborn and refuses to use a walker. He’s been lucky so far that his falls have just needed a large supply of bandages and nothing more serious.
The financial planner said she had a good meeting with my dad. He asked her if he would have enough money if he lives to 100. He’s determined! She said he would if he changed his spending habits. She suggested he have two credit cards, one for planned spending and one with a cap for “spontaneous” expenses. He said it was “interesting.” The bookkeeper already ordered the card with controls. I hope he accepts it willingly.
He and his Lady Friend are going to his condo on the Texas coast in about three weeks. A caregiver will go with them. The last time they went, he ended up going to the ER. My sister and I are not thrilled, but we don’t have any say in the matter.
My MIL talks a good game about wanting to “go” now, but … she really wants to outlive her sister, “winning” life over her nemesis. She mentions it often enough that we know that there is a very strong force within her that wants to live to be at least a day older than her sister did. The date falls just before this Christmas . If she lives much past that date, I’m guessing she will shoot for living until 102 so that she can use up all of her long term care insurance. It’s interesting how certain things can provide a kind of carrot on a stick for people.
My father refused a walker, my mom was embarassed at first but has gotten over that.She sees it as a practicality, he was too far from being reasonable about anything. Sometimes agreeing that the walker can just be in the house is a victory. Of course, Mom sees all of life as one long string of awful things happening, so she is unsurprised by difficulties (but also, never happy for long). Yesterday she told me in the new year she will just shoot herself. I always tell her I know it’s hard, but she has to be brave for the rest of us, and that seems to work.
Her birthday is next week, we are having a party like she used to throw us, just family and her pastor. Grands will either videochat or have sent clips for her to watch. Should be fun, I hope.
Just saw @greenbutton post and know that I understand how it is
I thought about posting this in a day it here post but decided to say it in this thread
For most of our married life, my mil channeled communication through my sil and myself. The women were designated as the planners and communication people.
My husband was able to mostly evade the issues with his parents
Now that his mom fell and his dad is in the nursing home, he can no longer ignore what is going on. And that’s a good thing. I’ve been able to be a supportive but not in charge of their care. It’s been good for us as a couple. Maybe not for him, but it’s been liberating for me!
I try to funnel communication through my son. He is not doing well at this. I had to put something in the family group chat to know which days we are getting together for the holidays so I could make hotel reservations. I’ve talked to him about this issue and about open communication so there are no misunderstandings.
When visiting Dad (age 98) and his wife at their house a while back (to help when she had Covid), I was able to initiate contact between them a a nice Palliative care organization in the area. It is associated with the Hospice organization, but for chronic illnesses rather than terminal diagnosis. So far he has liked the doctor and the social worker sent to his house…. both were men, which he likes since so many of his male friends are gone. Costs are covered by Medicare/Supplemental. So far though it seems the extra services I’d hoped they would help facilitate (even if not free) are tough to find these days. Lots of demand, not enough workers. They were at first excited about possible transit services, but since he is not completely housebound they may not qualify. (He is housebound without help of his wife. And although much younger, she is rather worn out / overworked. Hoping they will find either personal care or housekeeping help soon. Many leads they’ve followed on their own have not produced any palatable options. Methinks it may be time for them to compromise. )
What things do you think they need to compromise on?
My mom and my mil refuse to use the various transportation options. My mom is afraid of using the bus at her place because she is nervous she won’t be able to climb the steps. I guess she will never know if she won’t try
My mil has decided that she is able to drive, won’t consider the alternatives. That’s where we are at.
I know that when my in-laws had the county services come in, housekeeping had a very long waiting list. My mil has a cleaning person and would not qualify.
But I know my mil was quite worn out trying to get my fil places. It was very difficult. We suggested they look at other living options but those suggestions went nowhere
The caregivers are good about listening in, but he gets very upset at them if they suggest he not order something. We really need to take his credit card away, but how do we do it??