LOL I wish bossy was the worst I’ve been called by my siblings! 
8 Likes
I was treated the same way by my family. I live halfway across the country from my home town and when I traveled to help deal with my mother who had a serious stroke, I was treated like I wasn’t even a part of the family. It was very hurtful and the decisions my siblings made turned out to be terrible as Covid happened 3 months after she was placed in a nursing home. I had wanted to bring her back to my home, but that was not at all an option for my siblings.
She passed away after 8 months in the facility. She could have been with me instead of lying all alone in a nursing home during Covid. My siblings and I don’t talk anymore.
16 Likes
I was the one there at the time, but I don’t know if she would have told them. And they would have maybe found a nurse, or laughed it off. To be fair, my siblings and I are almost always on the same page, more or less. They do a ton of work for her on the daily, I don’t deny that. But as her condition worsens, they become more of a club. As the Anger Magnet, I always know she is feeling better when she starts telling people I am bossy, and Preferred likes to join in. (Local is more a benign passive ignore-er)
I miss my Dad. He raised me to be his assertive, confident, smart girl and was always really proud of that, a feminist long before there were girl dads.
11 Likes
Siblings are tough!!
I think I’ve written before that I had to sue my brother (at my parents’ bank’s request) to get him removed as co-Trustee and as POA. He had stopped doing anything, and their affairs needed decisions/attention. (I won on all counts).
I thought I won the “worst sibling situation caring for elderly parents” contest until I sat by a retired nyc detective. He said his brother was stealing his mother’s money. As he said “I am a detective. What was I going to do? So I made the case!” He was ready to arrest his brother, but his mother wouldn’t press charges.
That made me feel better – I sued my brother, but he was going to ARREST his!
10 Likes
I am in the middle if absolute HELL with my mother who lives in another country (a 12 hour flight away) with what we now think is Lewy body disease/dementia. She has been refusing for years to leave her home because of her four dogs which she refused to leave behind. At one point last year she cut my sister and I off completely and finally reconnected in August. We have been paying an agency to provide 24/7 care for the past 18 months. Things are a complete mess and I am now trying to pick up the pieces, get her moved out of her situation, I am financially responsible for her now b/c she is completely destitute and it is literally the worst time in my life. I find myself wishing we had just gone to get her against her will a few years ago but also know there is no way we would have been able to do that. Now that she does not even recognize us anymore she will leave without the dogs. I am living a nightmare and I never signed up for this- years of tension with her and a very traumatic childhood leave me with a lot of anger and resentment that we are left to deal with this. Yet imagining leaving her there to die alone, isolated other than a random domestic feeding her and changing her diapers does not sit well with me either.
23 Likes
I was the only sibling on either side who did anything for my dad and stepmother. Their decline and demise filled my daughter’s entire high school years (single adoptive mom). What I remember most was how alone I felt. This thread was such a great comfort during the final couple of years (when I discovered it).
17 Likes
AL texts, Mom had D. problems, tried to remove her diaper with her teeth and knocked one out.
Local/Preferred : it’s the antibiotics.
Me and the AL: no, the hospital stopped those
Local/Preferred: what could it be?
Me: well, it isn’t the diet soda again because you guys took that away, right? Right? right?!
Local/Preferred: but she really likes it
Me: I am going to go cook a turkey. Go manage this.
13 Likes
I thought I had won the “worst sibling situation caring for elderly parent”, because I felt the next step was being in an episode of “Dateline”. But we escaped and Keith Morrison has not been lurking on our street! It is in the rear view mirror now, so I can laugh. This thread always makes me feel better.
8 Likes
3 Likes
I have a question on a somber note here (not related to my parent), just thought there might be some experience here.
If a patient has a terminal illness, I know he/she can enroll in Hospice and get a lot of services. But… if they have a Medicare Advantage plan limited to care in their own state (in normal circumstances), is there any kind of leeway that would enable the patient move to another state for Hospice care to be closer to loved ones?
My understanding is that you would need to switch plans in the new state and not just for hospice, but if there is something medically necessary outside of the hospice scope. That said, a bit for profit hospice will not turn people away for inability to pay and billing could help get that person Set up.
1 Like
I am here to complain about my mother once again. I am not an emotional person, but I am about to lose it with her. Need to hear some words of wisdom before I blow a gasket.
I will try to make this as short as I can. I was at mom’s apartment Tuesday to do a couple of things and pick up her laundry. Yes, I am still doing it as it is easy, and also not worth listening to her complain about the housekeeper in the building doing it; how it is folded, what pieces are missing, how things were ruined, etc.. While there, I asked about what groceries she needed. She was out of trash bag for her bedroom, bathroom, and by the sofa, so I asked what size she preferred. She told me to look at the empty box in the kitchen trash; I saw they were small. She also wanted quart ziploc bags, but only the slider bags as she has trouble pressing the others closed; she has little feeling in her fingertips.
Today I took everything to her place and made the visit short as I didn’t have anything else to do there, and didn’t want to listen to her complain more than I had to. She calls me this afternoon in a rant-I bought the wrong bags; what I got was too big. At first I thought she was talking about the trash bags, but she was talking about the quart bags. Much back and forth went on, as I was trying to tell her she ask for quart, and the only thing smaller was a sandwich bags, and those don’t come with a slider. She yells that she did not want sandwich bags, she wants what she had before. I again tried to explain that this was the correct size and maybe they seem different as I bought Hefty brand this time, and they have a stand up bottom; maybe I purchased Ziploc brand previously. Nope, I got the wrong bags and she told me to look at the empty box in the trash to know what to get. That was for the trash bags, not the ziplocs. She got more angry and said she would just get her sister to buy the correct ones since I couldn’t do it. I told her she was welcome to go online and see that there is no bag between a sandwich and quart. She then says she will just dig through her trash and find the empty box, which she does while I am still on the phone. Mom proceeds to tell me the box says small; I said does it say quart? Nope, it just say small trash bags. Mom, that is the box for the trash bags, not the ziplocs!
Well, she decides she must have thrown the empty ziploc box away the day trash went out. Guess what, she opens her drawer and finds one Hefty quart slider bag left; the same bag I just bought! Instead of apologizing or at least admitting I purchased the correct item, she says she will just make do with these. 
There were a few episodes over Thanksgiving and the day after when I tried to help her get her food in the buffet line, get her oxygen plugged in when running low, up and down the stairs to get in and out of my cousin’s house, and outside for family pictures. After her not liking my help on Thursday, I pretty much left her alone Friday, but kept a side eye out for her. My son and a cousin helped her some, without her bitching, so her anger seems to be reserved for me. She will also tell me everything her sister does wrong when trying to help out. We had 39 people at my cousin’s house both days, so mom needed help maneuvering her rollator around the people, especially the little ones running around.
The thread about parents not being close to their adult children has had me really thinking lately. My dad was a saint to deal with my mother’s demands. It wasn’t until his passing 6 1/2 years ago, that I really understood how much he had to deal with, even though we were all together often. While I have an older brother, he has his own issues, and isn’t capable of really helping. He and I are getting along better now than we have in over 20 years. I take that as a win, and know mom will not be around forever, so will focus on building a relationship with him.
My MIL is 101 and is fabulous; my aunt and I joke that mom is going to live that long just to torture us! I just don’t understand how someone can be so unpleasant most of the time, yet she has a nice group of friends at her IL. They call her when she doesn’t come down for dinner, and seem to really enjoy her company. Her closest friend told my aunt that we need to stop bringing her food so she has to go down for dinner. This friend is 91, and within the last year has had a heart attack with 2 different surgeries, a hip replacement, and an adult daughter with a brain tumor. Yet she is a go-getter, and attends many events in the building, along with 2 meals a day in the dining room. She tries to get mom to join, but is rarely successful.
I do know that mom doesn’t feel great and there are days that are harder than others. BUT, once she is down for dinner, or we go out to dinner as a family, she is perfectly fine. Some nights her group sits in the LR after dinner and stay down for 3 hours.
18 Likes
So sorry that you continue to get the brunt of your mom’s anger. Sending cyber hugs. I remember well how that feels.
2 Likes
Snowball — so sorry that your mom continues to take much out on you.
The statement about your Dad meeting your mom’s demands, somehow brought a thought of my dad — after my mom died. It was then that I realized, she was his guardrails — both socially and financially (guiding the finances).
So many tangled ideas and emotions!
6 Likes
That sounds like a really hard situation. Vent here when you need to. And… if you want/need to decline some of your mother’s future requests for help… don’t feel bad. You’ve already done a lot.
7 Likes
Obviously, your mom is taking everything out on her sister and you - she depends on what you both do for her, but OTOH she is demanding – as if you both should take whatever she dishes out. Also, it seems, your mother cannot apologize and ‘be wrong’ about the ziploc bags and instead tried to change the subject by saying she will ‘make do’ with what she has - which is exactly what you purchased and brought to her. Your dad either had adapted to dealing with your mother’s demands, tuned out somehow what she dished out, or found a way to smooth things over.
Maybe your mom does not go around all the other friends at her community more because she has to put on a happy face with pleasantries to keep these friends.
Often difficult people are the worst to the close family that knows they will ‘take’ their behavior/complaints and still show up for them. Your mom is angry about a lot of things that are what they are - one ages and has limitations, pain, loneliness - and if she wants to be an unhappy person by directing negativity to her sister and to you, that is what she is going to be.
You are a good daughter, and you have to protect yourself from your mom’s abusive verbal outbursts and criticism. Limit your time on the phone and at her place, as you seem to be doing. Your aunt and you have each other moving forward.
It is nice that your cousin was able to host such a large gathering, and your mom probably behaved civilly enough around others. Glad you took the cues to hopefully enjoy the time with others Thur/Fri despite your mom’s barbs.
4 Likes
My dad and his Lady Friend met with a contractor at Dad’s condo on the coast. The contractor gave him an estimate for bathroom and other renovations totaling $17,000. Dad’s bookkeeper forwarded me the estimate. No terms, just a list of material and labor costs. Items like faucets were rounded off - $300, for example. I called LF and she said Dad hadn’t signed a contract. WTH? I got the contractor’s number and told him we need a contract. Dad has already sent him $8,500. I just don’t understand why Dad or LF didn’t think it important to have a contract. It’s not even smart for the contractor! Geez. This was going on while my dad was at the urgent care vet’s clinic. Can everybody please just leave me alone??
12 Likes
Your mom certainly sounds like a handful, and you are doing so much for her it must be so frustrating to have her turn everything into a battlefield. As another Anger Magnet daughter, I salute your steadfastness after all you have been through.
Something that worked for me was lowering my expectations (I try and expect an argument or rejection of small helps), not setting myself up (I saw an art project up her alley, reminded myself she will give it away, did not buy it), and #1 strategy is I don’t explain.
I don’t explain why the tv “doesnt work”, or why her pants “dont fit” or why going to church is perfectly doable. I don’t explain what her meds are, why they are correct, or why she needs to button her shirt. In our case, her cognitive decline is most of her problem, but she still gets stubborn and mad at me over sh*t that is pointless. But explaining just takes us both down a bad path. She won’t/can’t see reason when she’s frustrated, scared, or mad. I miss my Mom, but this “Rev 2” is who I have.
Instead, I try (and sometimes fail) to just say “Understood” . Just that word. Sometimes, “okay” if Ihave already said “understood” 4 times. It seems to de escalate the moment, although my mom has a memory for annoyances a mile long, ironic.
You are doing a good job. Give yourself permission to be exasperated, and reward yourself with something to celebrate that. Hugs to you
12 Likes
Cyber hugs! But this is when you say “Great! Seems like you’ve solved the problem.” And end it.
8 Likes
I agree with everything greenbutton said! That approach worked very well for my mom.
Less so for my dad who did not have mental decline. Besides keeping expectations very low, I also refused to be yelled at and had a standard response: “I’m sorry you are disappointed. I’m doing the best I can. I will talk to you when you have calmed down.” And then I’d either leave or hang up depending on if I was there in person or dealing with an irate phone call. Took years of therapy to get there and feel OK doing/saying that.
Note that it did not change his behavior but I stayed more sane.
I did get one heartfelt apology, once, when he totally lost his sh*t with me in front of my daughter and we walked out and moved to a hotel. He did try harder the next time I was down visiting to not drink as much and I went to bed much earlier because I was “exhausted”.
And my dad was the epitome of mr nice and social to everyone else. Most people had no idea what was happening behind closed doors.
10 Likes