Parents Caring for Parents Support Thread (Part 2)

Parent Cafe
6776

I am going to put some of these suggestions in my cap, and see if any might work. I think if mom truly has a reason for her outbursts, I might be more understanding, but she is still sharp. Unfortunately, she is just selfish and wants things her way, which may be where I learned some of my not perfect habits. I can also be argumentative, but only to prove I am right, when I really am right; like with the ziplocs. I am able to admit when I am wrong, but when right, I want it to be known. So yes, at least with mom, I need to just let it go; I am going to work on this.

There are other times I have been able to bite my tongue, or not get upset as I realize she is aging. So when she went on and on about the closed captioning being off on one of her streaming apps, and she didnā€™t remember how to turn it back on, I was patient. I tried to show her, but realized she was not able to remember, so I just said I was happy to come back over to fix it the next time it happened. Mom then continued to talk about she doesnā€™t understand what it was turned off for several minutes. I just told her this just happens with electronics and it happens at my house also; it does not, but helped to end the conversation!

Mom gets fixated on a topic and will talk about it for years. When she moved to this IL almost 2 years ago, her cable tv went from ATT to Xfinity. She is still complaining about how ATTā€™s guide was so much better, and she canā€™t find anything on Xfinity. My response to this topic is I am so sorry and leave it there.

Again, between the constant complaining, and her angry at me, she can be difficult to be with, but I am trying.

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6777

I hear of so many people that are like that ā€œAnd my dad was the epitome of mr nice and social to everyone else. Most people had no idea what was happening behind closed doors.ā€

Sometimes an elderly mom or dad will recognize really crossing the line into ā€˜absolutely intolerable behavior by themā€™ when it is witnessed and especially by a grandchild who they adore.

Hugs. Those encounters just take away so much from the better years/better relationship/better family times.

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6778

New to this thread, and have only read through the most recent posts. Hugs and solidarity to those who are dealing with difficult behavior from an aging parent. Hooo boy, I could write a book.

But, Iā€™m here seeking some logistical advice. Long story short, my dad has a g-tube and takes all of his nutrition that way via bolus feedings. The odds of his being able to move back to eating or drinking normally are very low.

Iā€™m looking to move my parents to an assisted living near me. Very few will let him move in with the g-tube because they donā€™t have the skilled nursing license to manage it, but a few will allow it as long as I contract with an outside home health company to do his feedings.

He typically has four feedings a day over the span of 12 hours. Many places are telling me I need to hire someone for 12 hours a day ā€“ which is about $12,000+ a month. But, he really doesnā€™t need a lot of other assistance aside from the feedings. (And they each take less than 30 minutes.)

Iā€™m hesitant to move my parents into our home or a regular apartment, because theyā€™d be so isolated ā€“ they donā€™t know anyone in this area, and they arenā€™t well enough to be venturing out ā€“ so I was really hoping for a community setting where they could meet people.

Does anyone have suggestions for a more efficient way of hiring someone to do the feedings?

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6779

No advise, but it seems like type of this could be a common type of frustration. Just yesterday a finacial advisor meeting (where we talk about a lot of stuff, including ailing relatives) we heard a story about a fellow who downsized to assisted living place. He liked it, considered it his new home. But in his last months he had to have a liquid diet, which could not be accommodated there.

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6780

I think that he will need to be moved into a skilled nursing facility which will be able to handle his feeding. It will actually be cheaper than the assisted living with the extra support. I understand the problem then is what do you do with your mother. Not sure what the answer to that is?

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6781

So sorry for this dilemma. I donā€™t know, but I see the Veterans Administration mentions community resources and support groups, like the non profit Oley Nutrition Support for bolus feeding, etc. @SpreadsheetMom

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6782

for those who are not in the political forum, news about nursing home regulations being changed:

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6783

Itā€™s not your fault. You are doing the best you can , and thatā€™s good enough.

I typically last about 48 hours with my mom before I have to stand in a bathroom and take deep breaths. Itā€™s like sheā€™s determined to be unhappy, and thatā€™s not how I imagined our last years together would be, nor is it what she was like before. So grief for what we are losing, too.

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6784

Check with local government informational agencies in your area - google something like ā€œnational/local aging service regional officesā€ and it will give you a starting point.

If your dad is a veteran, there may be a skilled care veteranā€™s facility near you, but there will be a waiting list for sure.

IDK if you would be willing to be trained to do the g-tube feedings or if your state would allow a non-licensed person to do so.

It seems your parents want to be together.

It seems there is going to be an abrupt change in the place they call home - what does your mom think? Does your dad have other physical limitations? What ages are your parents and what are their wishes once you line up the choices?

Temporarily, I would consider having them move in with you while things can get sorted out.

Is your dad in rehab now (the days after hospitalization)? Is your mom driving?

Do you have other siblings and what do they think?

6785

A little background ā€“ my mom is 78, and dad is 81. They sold their house and moved to assisted living in south Florida about six years ago. My dad is a heart patient, had a history of falls, has neuropathy in his feet, etc. My mom has a whole bunch of health issues, too.

They have decent long-term care insurance that pays for an assisted living. Their combined benefit is something around $8,500 a month. But they donā€™t have a ton of savings in addition to that.

I am an only child, and I live in Georgia ā€“ about a 12-hour drive. I still have one kid left in high school (sheā€™s a senior), so itā€™s hard for me to pick up and get down there at a momentā€™s notice.

Parents were relatively happy at the assisted living, but about 18 months ago, my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. He couldnā€™t swallow, so they put in the g-tube. He was in the hospital and then rehab for a long time, but even though the cancer was treated with chemo/radiation successfully, there is no sign of his being able to swallow again.

The assisted living wouldnā€™t let him move back in with the g-tube, so we scrambled and found another one with a skilled nursing license that would let him move in. THAT was stressful. And that place has been horrible on so many levels ā€“ theyā€™re unethical, unsafe, and I have to get my parents out of there.

They are finally willing to move close to me ā€“ Iā€™ve been trying to bring them up here for years ā€“ but theyā€™re finally acknowledging it needs to happen. My mom has been caring for my dad, and sheā€™s actually been doing the bolus feedings because often the nurses just donā€™t show up at their current facility.

My dad does not drive. He walks with a walker, and he bathes/dresses/etc. independently, but heā€™s pretty feeble. My mom does still drive, but if they move here, I donā€™t know if sheā€™ll have the confidence to do so. Sheā€™s pretty exhausted and doesnā€™t trust herself to drive at night.

It will be SO much easier to have them closer ā€“ I can take them to appointments and just be around to help with whatever they need. I am totally willing to do the bolus feedings ā€“ it really depends on the regulations of the facility if Iā€™ll be allowed to do that.

I think I answered all your questions? Dad is not a veteran.

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6786

Thank you ā€“ I will check them out!

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6787

I suggest you look at continuing care facilities near you - someplace with both an Assisted Living and Skilled nursing facility in the same location. Then your parents can be in the same facility but different wings. I donā€™t think the burden of feeding him should fall on either you or your mother. It should be done by a nurse, and would easily be done by one in a skilled nursing facility. You needed something in a hurry last time, this time you can take some time and look into places near you, tour them, and vet them properly.

In a good nursing home, you will be surprised with how much care your father will receive and remove the pressure from you and your mother.

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6788

Is that the LTC insurance benefit? If so, do check to see when/if the benefit expires. If a potential new place near you accepts Medicaid patients when benefits and assets are gone, that would be a plus.

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6789

Ugh, family dynamics. I knew my uncle was doing poorly because of a Facebook post I read. Heā€™s had prostate cancer for years and it finally caught up with him.

I ASSUMED my uncleā€™s wife had let my dad know. Again on Facebook, I just learned that my uncle passed away late last night. I called Dadā€™s Lady Friend to let her know. Then she called Dad to say how sorry she was, and he had no idea what she was talking about!! Nobody had called him! Why would my aunt not have let him know so he could say goodbye? It blows my mind. Now I feel bad I didnā€™t call to notify him. Dad also lost an adopted sister last week. She was adopted once he was already an adult and he was not close to her at all, but still, two siblings in a week is tough.

I wish I could go down for the funeral, but a round trip ticket is about $1,000 right now and I canā€™t swing that.

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6790

Iā€™m blown away by how many people feel that posting on Facebook takes the place of personally informing the people who need to know. Itā€™s easy to miss a post even if youā€™re on Facebook. Itā€™s a great tool for letting people know what is happening, but it doesnā€™t replace informing those closest to the person individually. Iā€™m so sorry for the additional pain this has surely created for your father (and for you).

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6791

It would be great to get them in a facility where they both can be there - but the resources will spend down if the LTC policy runs out - and if they both arenā€™t in the same room it will most likely greatly exceed that monthly amount. You do want them to be at a great place and where they wonā€™t have to move again. See what is available convenient to you. Some states are stricter on regulations, and perhaps they can be together with AL and some arrangements on the tube feeding - some places have a medication nurse (LPN most likely) - and perhaps that can be worked out.

Hugs being an only child and having it all fall on you - but also can be easier on the communication and decision-making with your parents.

I wonder if your dad would qualify for Hospice, and that could possibly have him be in AL with your mom and Hospice coming in.

All things to find out as you screen/explore what is available in your area and also get educated with specifics in your area - and the aging free resources/information.

I wonder if a swallow evaluation can be done with speech therapy - if he can pass a swallow test, he might be able to have some intake orally. If he still sees a medical oncologist, that could be a question for them.

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6792

I wouldnā€™t have expected the Facebook posters to call Dad, because theyā€™re not that close, but it was my aunt I thought would. Sheā€™s not on Facebook. :frowning:

I contacted a woman at his church and asked if they could reach out to Dad. Heā€™s pretty low right now.

His Lady Friend has a birthday party for a relative later today, and I donā€™t think she had planned on going to Dadā€™s, but she decided to. Iā€™m glad sheā€™s there.

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6793

I know you donā€™t have the money to fly to your uncles funeral, but think about whether you can spare the time. Your father might offer to pay. I know it was a great comfort for my father to have me at his sisterā€™s funeral. Likely though there are work and family issues for you to consider beyond just money.

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6794

Dad has made it clear that his wallet is closed. Weā€™re just getting buried in unexpected expenses this month. :frowning:

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6795

Thatā€™s fair. Butā€¦ it also means he feels confident in attending without you. Thatā€™s a good thing really.

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