My fil passed away last week. It’s sad but no one wanted for him to suffer. We happened to be on our cruise, my mil decided that we should stay on vacation, we only had a few days left.
It was blessedly short time of suffering honestly. My daughter came to see him middle of September, he was still living at home. Probably shouldn’t have been. One day in early October couldn’t stand, was diagnosed with Covid, went downhill fast. Entered a nursing home and was gone by the beginning of December.
My mil called my fil’s brother and sister to let them know he was in the nursing home. Both decided to pick a fight with my mil. They did both go to the nursing home. My fil was ok on Thursday thanksgiving, went downhill on Friday, railed a bit and died early Tuesday. My mil called after he passed, one sibling hung up in her and the other sibling fought with her.
When you have so much going on and so many people to talk to, I hope we can give some grace if it’s not perfect. Or we forget all that we need to do and contact.
My mil does not remember my daughter came to visit in September. My kids wanted to go out to see her this weekend but she’s not up for visitors. I understand, now my husband and I are going to travel to see our kids this weekend instead.
There won’t be a funeral, maybe a celebration of life in the spring.
It’s not about me, but my bil’s kids were there for thanksgiving. I don’t know if they went out to visit their grandfather or not.
In my real life, I told EXACTLY one person in my neighborhood that my father in law passed away.
My neighbor who picked up a package off my porch for me while we were gone. I told her on Sunday.
Yesterday I walked into my mahjong Christmas party, multiple neighbors came up and offered condolences. That was Monday.
Today, Tuesday, the HOA sent out a neighborhood email offering condolences to the entire list that my father in law passed away. My in laws live in another town so the obituary was not in the local paper. How the person sending out the email to the entire neighborhood knew is a mystery.
I told one person! On Sunday!
It wasn’t a secret but I was surprised to say the least.
I’m sure however the news spread was meant with good intentions to support you and your husband - very neighborly. But also as someone who can be very private with information and seeing this as very personal info that would be my call whether to share or not, part of me would be a little offended that this news was shared so broadly.
But truly I think their intent was support for your household!
We have a very short stint at home before we are traveling again. I think my husband would have liked to tell a friend that he’s close to before he read it in the email list.
We are not close to the person who sends out the email list and have no idea how he found out.
We are fighting jet lag, a bit of illness and of course shock of losing my fil. Would have liked to have told people on our own timeline.
Understandable feelings. Sometimes in church newsletter we get a reminder to check with the prayer recipient before submitting a prayer request… methinks there might have been some well-intentioned oops’s in the past.
This is not about a parent, but… there is so much wisdom here that I’m hoping you’ll humor some questions as I help research for someone with serious cancer diagnosis. Is it true that palliative care genearlly does not send services to the house? (Seems odd because I did arrange palliative care house visits for my elderly father. Perhaps it depends on age / mobility.) Is hospice not possible when doing chemotherapy? Sadly this is a case where outlook is bleak with or without chemo, but it may be tried on the chance it is tolerated well can extend quality period a bit.
First, so sorry to the patient. Palliative care does send services to the house. You can also do in-home hospice. It is limited however. Pain meds will be given. Maintenance meds are usually given (for blood pressure as an example) but treatment meds (such as chemo) are not. Some of this depends on your state and varies. Hospice will not do chemo drugs.
With our local BCBS, a person can get curative treatment for 1st 90 days while on hospice, so it’s important to check the patient’s medical plan. That said in our case, the person with medical power of attorney refused hospice until 24 hours before mom died and never authorized it for dad.
As noted, this will vary based on state and program but the hospice programs I’m familiar with that have a palliative care arm, will make home visits. Curative treatment, like chemo, is not covered under hospice. If the chemo is being used for pain management, that may be approved but there will be lots of hoops to jump through.
Having just been through this with my husband, he was not allowed to begin hospice while on any type of chemo or targeted therapy for his cancer. Hospice did step in once he made the decision not to try another clinical trial. The cancer had already continued to progress on all 4 FDA approved drugs and he was dropped from his first clinical trial. Hospice was a godsend in keeping him at home and as comfortable as possible.
This is a huge whine so just scroll on by if you don’t want to hear
My mom called, she’s in Florida with my sibling for Christmas.
Mom is not taking her pills correctly, my sibling figured it out now that they are in the same place. Including that she was supposed to cut a pill in half but claims she can’t do it physically so she’s not. But told the doctor and sibling that she was.
Mom is big mad. She is also having trouble with her credit card which really can’t be fixed until she gets back to her apartment.
My role is to help with the financial stuff but I dropped the ball. To be fair, my mil fell in august, my fil was ill and passed away less than a month ago.
My mil is not handling my fil’s passing well at all. She has a lot of trauma with death and I don’t expect her to be fine but it’s pretty extreme. I have no idea how to approach this with my husband who is very sad also. We will hope that given time, she will be able to find some peace.
No one seems to understand (meaning my kids) that their dad lost his dad. They are well meaning but it feels that they are concentrated on how my mil is doing.
Add all this to our travel schedule, of which we drove home from our daughter’s on Monday for 14 hours and I’m just worn out. No plans for Christmas yet because my mil is so sad. I don’t care if we don’t do anything but it probably should be addressed.
All I can do is apologize to my sibling who doesn’t deserve to be the anger magnet for my mom. And to support my husband who has his own health issues that aren’t life threatening but are annoying.
Sending cyber hugs your way! This is such a tough time of year after a significant loss.
I hope you give yourself some grace. It sounds like you have your hands very full!
I don’t know how old your kids are, but I would tell then if you think that they aren’t giving their dad enough consideration. Kids of all ages often think their parents and strong and don’t have needs, but we do!
