After my mom died I think my sister and I lived with my dad (taking turns) for six months because he was so sad. We did do Christmas but it was not on Christmas day–we just sorta winged it and kept it pretty low key. Worked out fine. It’s a huge adjustment (for everybody).
See if the pills she is taking come in smaller strengths or alternatively use a pill splitter and cut them all for in one go. Depending on the drug cost it might be easier to pay for a larger amount (90day supply vs 30 day )so someone can cut them all to last awhile.
1 Like
well that’s an awful lot to deal with, I think you are doing as well as can be expected if you are able to walk, talk, and get everyone fed.
Apologizing to your sibling is a good thing to think of. You can’t change the situation there, but it’s amazing how just acknowledging the difficulty can help.
Grief is awful. You know there is a bereavement thread here? Lots of useful ideas but mostly support. When my Dad died 2.5 yrs ago, I had no conception of how long it would be before I didn’t feel his absence 24/7. It takes a LOT of time and a LOT of patience. My own husband is still grieving my dad, and my only practical advice is to name it – I will hug him and say “you are missing dad today”. Also, don’t try to do more than feels possible. It’s okay to do nothing, or only a few things.
As for attention to your MIL from your kids, maybe they don’t know what else to do, or don’t know how sit with their own grief. I agree that saying something as simple as “your dad is really sad so be good to him” is okay.
It’s hard. You hang in there, like you always do.
5 Likes
Thanks for the support.
To answer a few questions
My mom called me last night because she thought I could help with her cc issue, she hadn’t given me the information I needed to set up an account online and hung up on me when I told her this.
I apologized to my sibling on text last night as she was explaining what was going on. My mom is not always a rational person, she expects everything to go perfectly and when it doesn’t, she lashes out and everything is awful, the worst. Makes her difficult to deal with. It’s always been this way, the difference is that we have to deal with her more now.
As far as my kids, I don’t have it in with me to talk to them. I feel that if I point out anything, it’s later brought back in a negative way. I no longer confront them in any way. It’s too hard. Besides my husband also doesn’t want me to talk to them.
As far as my mom, she had this issue with her cc when I was dealing with my in-laws and my kid was visiting. I dropped the ball.
9 Likes
I don’t know what happened, my post disappeared.
Mom just needed to tell my sister that she had difficulty splitting her pills and they would have been done.
Instead mom decided to blame my sister, it’s not rational. Mom loves to get mad, yell, hang up and then act like nothing is wrong.
TBH, I am really not in a mood today to call her.
5 Likes
I would encourage you to honor that feeling and just not call. You get to have a life and take care of yourself first, including your emotional well being.
I’m so so sorry!
8 Likes
None of this is going to change in the next 24-48 hours. Put your phone on silent and grab some popcorn and a movie or whatever helps the two of you relax.
10 Likes
That’s so hard, to not have them capable of noticing — on their own! —how hard this is for the two of you.
As others have said, this falls squarely in the “don’t need to add this to your plate” department. Take care of yourselves right now, and that’s a lot. And enough
(My mom? also goes from minor problem to Defcom 5 / threatens to die in 2 seconds over everything. Last week it was a card from a person I do not know, that she insisted I knew. It’s all I can do to not scold her. I get it)
1 Like
@deb922 Your mom and mine sound like they could be friends; two peas in a pod. 
I have vented here more times than I would like about my mother and her ways. Last week she yelled at me a couple of times, because the horrors, I tried to help her with her coat, getting her oxygen switch and her seat belt in my car the 2 days we went to medical appointment. I had enough of her taking everything out on me, so once I had her home the second day, I left once she was in.
I didn’t call her the next day, but did check in on Saturday for just a minute. Didn’t give her time to complain, didn’t ask if she needed anything, just said I was checking in and if she needed anything to let me know. My aunt called that night to tell me, mom told her, I was upset with mom. My aunt defended me, also telling my mother that I was having a hard time as it had just been my husband birthday. My mom told her she doesn’t really think about me being sad about his death. 
Interesting that my mother knew exactly why I was mad at her. The next day mom also tells my brother the same about yelling at me and I was angry at her.
What still baffles me, is I was at her place yesterday to take her groceries that she called me to get, not once did she mention yelling at me, or an apologize. She can tell my aunt and brother, but not say anything to me?
I will still do what I need to do for her, but I am going to keep it short and sweet. I am over her complaining, self centeredness and lack of empathy; at the moment, think I will start calling her out on events at the time they happen. I may chicken out, we will see!
My first order of business is her request this morning. Her IL is not serving dinner tomorrow night as they as having the staff dinner. There are having a big brunch buffet and then some sort of sandwich to go dinner to be picked up at lunch time. Mom doesn’t get dressed to go down for breakfast and says the sandwich will be disgusting, so wants me to bring her dinner. I told her I had 2 appointments and really wasn’t going to be near her; I would let her know later if I could come. She said I could just pick up something and drop it off on the way to my first appt. I told her that wouldn’t work as it would be too early to pick up anything but breakfast. There is no reason she can not go down for the brunch, or find something in her freezer to make for dinner. I just took eggs yesterday, so she can have those! My plan is to just tell her I can’t do it tomorrow; wish me luck! Of course if she was sick and couldn’t go down for dinner, I would take something, but that is not the case. Meals are part of her rent, and if she goes to 5 dinners a week, that is an excellent week; so of the 21 meals we pay for a week, she takes advantage of next to none!
6 Likes
My sister lost her husband at a young age. I was quite sad about it.
I told mom that my bil’s death was hitting me really hard. She told me that she didn’t think about it that much. She didn’t get that sad.
Your comment struck a nerve for me.
She won’t starve if you don’t bring her over dinner. It’s like she’s testing you for something she knows you will fail in her eyes.
3 Likes
It’s so hard to not internalize aging parents’ anger. For myself, I constantly felt like I was letting my dad down. Boundary setting is so hard but so necessary!
Hang in there everyone!
3 Likes
Yup, been there, done that only it was w/my father. He made big promises & we had big plans to meet up w/him at the San Diego Zoo when my kids were young, with him flying in from out of town & we were going to be in the area at the same time that he was. He was a no show & didn’t answer phone calls, text messages, or emails. His reasoning for the no show was that his wife’s dog had died 3 weeks prior. He apologized to my sister, not me. My sister wasn’t even present for any of it. It’s like 13 yr later and I’m still waiting for that apology. His method is to just pretend like none of it ever happened.
My MIL would make similar demands of my husband, just like your mom does. Being volun-told to drop everything right now and run over there to take her some place last minute (we lived 1.5 hr drive from her house). And then pouting that he must not really love her when he’d say that he was busy and literally couldn’t do it. She told us more than once that she believed that it was the duty of the adult child to put the needs of their parent(s) above their own needs or the needs of their spouse & kids…that you should sacrifice everything for your parents. The entitlement was strong with that one.
5 Likes
MyMIL told me last year that my FIL was “disappointed” that my DH wasn’t “done” being sad about losing my dad. “It’s hard for us to understand why it matters to him, it was your father, not his own, so of course Dad is a little offended”
7 Likes
I think my mom wants to be independent but it makes her really mad that she can’t get it together anymore.
It’s not acceptable to ruin my sister’s Florida trip by being a pain. And it’s not acceptable to hang up on me.
I feel guilty that I can turn her off because I’m not physically there.
I also think that mom is not able to travel anymore. Being out of her familiar surroundings is too stressful and confusing.
10 Likes
Monday Dec 15th was the 5-year anniversary of the last words his dad was able to speak to DH at bedside (he died a few days later at age 92). It still is emotionally troubling for DH - some men do not show emotion well and it is difficult for them to sort through emotions like grieving (his mom then passed a few months later, also age 92). DH hugged me out of the blue on Monday and expressed what was bothering him. We are now with DH’s cousin who grew up in small hometown - and talking is all good for them.
5 Likes
This is the real solution. Don’t chicken out. Keep it short and sweet but you may be surprised how communication channels may open. After umpteen thouand years real dialogue and understanding can still happen. It did for me and my dad.
4 Likes
I think this is a “bingo”. Traveling messes with their routine, their surroundings, their sleep, eating routines - all of it. They are more comfortable being home. But also, they are sometimes bored being home. It’s hard to win.
9 Likes
Excellent point. Heck traveling messes with my routines, and I’m a generation younger than these aging parents.
5 Likes
We have Christmas plans.
My bil can only do breakfast because he’s spending the rest of the day with his girlfriend. His adult children are with their mother or their in-laws.
My mil is hosting brunch and dinner which we will stay for so she won’t be alone.
We live 100 miles away, logistics are better to do things in mil’s town.
My thoughts about my husband’s sibling are best left to myself.
11 Likes
There was an article in the Washington Post that I can’t gift because I no longer have a subscription
This is the article
https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2025/12/21/elder-care-aging-plan-seniors/
Overwhelmed caring for aging parents, boomers try to spare their kids
I thought just with the title it was worth taking about.
One thing that stood out to me was the cost of relationships between siblings when caregiving of parents starts.
As the not local sibling, I have some thoughts. I get that my sibling is shouldering the bulk of caregiving right now. I did the bulk for years, sibling wanted mom to move near her. I didn’t agree and personally feel that the move accelerated some behavior that makes my mom more dependent on sibling , which is what sibling wanted.
In my in-laws case, I feel that my husband’s sibling will put his interests first which makes caregiving complicated there also. But then I remember that he’s local, the relationship between sibling and his parents is complicated and built up over many years. And that he deals with them every day.
I hate that in this article, it felt as if the caregiver was sacrificing all, with no regard from the other siblings. I feel that it’s so much more complicated than that. I know that there is limited time for all points of view. This one stood out to me.
Saying all that, I want to make things easier for my kids. My mil is stubbornly independent, which is complicated and my mom wants others to make decisions for her which is complicated in another way.
I think I don’t know the answer but i want to do better. What that looks like, I have no idea.
P.S. as predicted, when I finally got ahold of my mom, she was happy, offered no apology for hanging up on me the other day.
6 Likes
I am/was so lucky that my brother was incredibly supportive (it’s just the two of us) when I was the local and helping with caregiving. There were a couple of years that he took our parents to his house for a few weeks so I could have a break which was a godsend in the two years prior to my mom going into a facility. He was a great emotional support as well. Didn’t second guess my decision and was often a soft shoulder for me when I was in tears leaving their house. I think I called him on my drive home to debrief at least every other day for several years. He was also the one who went to help transition our mom into her memory care unit in FL as I was in the middle of getting ready for a move (for both myself and my dad). I don’t think I could have emotionally handled it without him in my corner.
We are even closer now that they are gone and I am so thankful for our relationship even though we are over a thousand miles away from each other.
8 Likes