Depending on what you want the ID for, the expired driver’s license can be used.
It’s important to make sure every adult in our lives, including elderly parents, has ID that will allow them to prove who they are. If they want to vote, it may be a requirement. If they need to travel, it may be a requirement. They may need it for something related to their benefits or their banking. Best to make sure that they always have a valid ID that meets requirements.
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Our state DOESN’T have a process where you can report bad drivers or people you believe should not be driving. We asked. It would be much better if they could require questionable people who are reported to have to retake written and road test but our legislators are all very senior and unlikely to vote in favor of anything that makes THEM have to do more.
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Don’t get me going…this is state dependent. Many states do allow you to use an expired photo DL as an ID. My state required you to appear at the DMV to change your expired DL to just an ID. My dad was 96 years old (yes, he had the DL until then but wasn’t driving) to get it changed over. So I’m supposed to put him in the car, haul him to the DMV in person for that? And I HAD to drag him out no matter how frail he was–every institution requires a VALID ID–and that does not include an expired DL in our state–so EVEN though (see you got me on a rant!) he’s been at a bank for 60 years they couldn’t do things for him because he didn’t have a valid ID. (Gonna say that the bank people bent over backward because they knew him but computer systems do not.)
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We renewed mom’s passport so she’d have a valid ID for 10 years. Driver’s licenses otherwise expire in 2 years for folks 80+. It was less hassle having a valid passport.
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Same here…and put a note taped on it that said “if anyone asks you to charge this battery, call this number first” (our number).
Keys were long gone but in one lucid moment, a call could have been made to the dealership for assistance.
The sad part…the car was in excellent condition and low mileage when it was last driven…about 8 years ago. Now…it’s worthless.
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Another thing my Mom did was to almost convince a local dealership to make her new car keys (we hid hers). They were going to do it for the sweet old lady who had misplaced her keys until I called to stop them. In those months I was always running around putting out fires my mother started.
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It is one thing to be tenacious about things that are not such a serious risk to others. My mother was a LOT younger when she was no longer allowed to drive. At age 62, she fell asleep behind the wheel driving home less than an hour drive in afternoon on the highway, veered left and the 18-wheeler swerved right and hit her car head on at the front passenger seat. This happened a few months after my dad died from cancer at age 64. The air bag saved her. Some years later she did forfeit her license due to another serious incident (an ex- step-granddaughter wanted to visit and needed a ride from this same city one hour away by car - due to petit mal epilepsy this granddaughter did not drive) - and mother’s poor judgment got them into an accident. I am not local and could not have intervened on the ride situation…. Sometime later she wanted to get her license back – took driving instructions. Local brother was an enabler. We wrote in to the state DMV, they have a form in her state (and many others wrote in - you could do the form anonymously with signing another form saying such) and she was not allowed to take the driver behind the wheel test. She went to her lawyer, he wrote a letter, and he had to tell her the state would not ever be issuing her a driver’s license again. That ended it.
Mom had a valid Passport and did get a state ID.
Mom was diagnosed bi-polar in her 50’s but at that point was cycling depression. When I was in HS, she was a bit off - almost a manic kind of high but controlled enough to not have a psych evaluation. A lot of her life was revolved around the life she wanted, but she had a desire to be a good mother which somewhat saved her.
Mom could tolerate a lot of medication (she had great liver function - psychiatrist said she was on a lot more Lithium than most patients). She did die in her home, which was her wish (“you have to take me out feet first”) at age 77. She was able to be at home with progressing dementia because she was docile and cooperative (needed a live in housekeeper/cook), and she declined rapidly at the end and qualified for hospice. When I found out about decline from enabling brother, I advised him to have her evaluated for hospice, so he took her to the local hospital for hospice evaluation - what was done in her community - needed the sign off on a couple of MDs; she actually was admitted for IV antibiotics for what was suspected to be a gall bladder infection; hospitalization began on a Monday, went home from hospital Thursday to hospital bed/hospice, and died the following Monday.
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@Deb22, it would include both halves of Social Security withholding (employee and employer) for a contractor.
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My dad’s tax preparer is meeting with her today. I had the same thought about her status as a contractor. I told the TP to inform Sarah that she needs to budget and pay quarterly taxes because I don’t want my dad gifting her money in the future.
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Good luck - I hope you get the answers you need!
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Spent a few days with DH and my mom, so Local could concentrate on some fun things for them, and Preferred is on a month-long warm-weather vacation with the spouse.
We did one scheduled dr appt, followed by a fast-food trip with a harrowing trip to the bathroom (she is crying in fear of not getting organized; I am trying to get her out of her coat and get the walker out of our way, thank heaven there was a huge handicapped stall and nobody else). She woke from the afternoon nap in the strangest state of panic and absolute rage – I had to get down on the floor by her bed and just wrap her in my arms and shush her. She’s been treated for some (more) skin cancers and has mentioned her back is especially itchy this time…
…I love my siblings and they are doing a great job. No judgement. I pull up her shirt, turn her around, and there is a red angry welt probably 6" x 8" across her back. All splotchy and bright red, hot, like a sunburn. So I call her derm, they call back, we get an appointment which we went to today. Oh wow, says the PA, that’s time to stop the topical chemo then. The PA takes a quick look at the other sites, decides there are two more they want to address and bless this medical professional, she CIRCLES the spot and puts an ARROW so the AL staff can’t say they didn’t know where to put the meds. (To be fair, my mom’s legs are a minefield of scars and damage). “Oh” says my mom “I always wanted a tattoo”
Other appointment, she told the doctor she wants to die. Doctor told her not to argue with a God who gave her excellent health in her 90’s. Mom says her memory is shot (very true) and she can’t think (also true) and doctor says “Maybe God wants you to just live in the moment and have some fun after all these years”. DH teaches my mom how to play Crazy8s and plays with her for 30 minutes, cheating all the time so she can win while I find the staff to hand off papers. He re arranges her cards and tapes the good ones to her door so she will see them.
Hats off to all of you working so hard on all the things little and big and unexpected and planned, every day. I hope your weekends were absolutely boring and uneventful. I’m going to go eat a box of cookies and fall asleep…
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Your post brought me back to the tough times with my mom. The doctors at Mayo told me that pain can cause changes in the brain that lead to the kind of behavior you’re seeing with your mom. It’s so hard. Hugs.
Your H sounds like a keeper!
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Does anyone here have family in a dementia/Alzheimer’s-specific facility? In what ways, if at all, does it differ from a more generalized AL facility?
My mom was in a memory care unit at a CCRC. The level of care was higher than in the assisted living and there was much more included in terms of help with ADLs. The unit was also locked so residents couldn’t wander.
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It’s very different from regular AL, but not in a bad way. In the memory care side, the doors are locked and the residents eat in that area, not the main dining room. They are encouraged to be out of their rooms and in the common areas for most of the day because their room is just a room, as opposed to an apartment with a kitchenette or den etc.
The meds are all given to them there, as opposed to in AL where my folks would have to travel to the nurses station on their own for meds.
The activities are geared to people with memory loss and the staff (theoretically) should be more trained in distraction and diversion for residents
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Here was a typical day for my mom in memory care:
7:30 - Aides would help my mom get up to start her day. They would help her toilet, brush her teeth, shower, dress, and help her with hair and lipstick.
8:30 - Breakfast in the dining room. Residents sat in groups of four with other people who were at the same level of conversation and interaction. An aide was present at each table if anyone needed help with their food. (We as family told the restaurant staff our mom’s food preferences so they chose what she’d like best on the daily menu if someone from the family wasn’t visiting that day.)
9:30 - First activity. Usually that was some kind of exercise class. Everything from chair yoga to chair catch.
10:30 - Second activity. For my mom that was usually gardening in the courtyard.
11:30 - Aide would come to help with toileting and getting ready for lunch.
Noon- lunch
1:00 - Usually music time or therapy animals. They had a steady stream of people who would come in to play piano or guitar and those who would bring therapy animals.
2:00 - Movie time (aka nap ; ))
4:00 - baking activity and snack
5:00 - Getting ready for dinner, toileting, etc…
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Dancing for those who could, news and tv for those who couldn’t
8:00 - Usually an old movie
9:30 - Aides would help with bedtime routine and get my mom to bed.
Behind the scenes - the memory care staff took care of giving my mom all her meds, doing her laundry, folding clothes and putting them away, and all cleaning of her room (kitchenette, dressing area, full bath, bedroom with a sitting room).
When my mom first was in memory care, she was still verbal and more active. She really just needed prompting to do her ADLS. She was able to go on the outings to museums, restaurants, the beach, etc…. There was some kind of “field trip” with the staff at least once/week. There were other residents who were like her and those were the friends she ate with.
When family visited (she had people coming to see her almost every day), we could take her to the AL part of the facility which had a huge pool or to the lounge, or take her out on our own outings, etc….
As my mom’s ALZ worsened, she relied on the aides to do more and more and it became too difficult for her to go on outings. What she enjoyed was really the music and the animals but she slept much of the time at the end and was non verbal.
The care she needed was all included .
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My mother was. The staff were trained to deal with dementia. In a regular AL you might have cognitively sound people who maybe had trouble walking, or were going blind. Those people could take part in a book club, or card game etc whereas a person with dementia might struggle. I read about regular AL places where the people with dementia were shunned by other residents and I didn’t want that for my mother. (In fairness, it would be frustrating to have someone with dementia messing up your card game, or being unable to discuss a book intelligently).
My Mom was at a Greenhouse Project facility until she was too much of a fall risk and needed a higher level of care. The Greenhouse Project is a different kind of assisted living only for people with dementia.
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This is your annual reminder to get help for your elderly parent before you think you need it as you are only incident away from needing it URGENTLY which is way harder. And also, if they are lucky enough to have long term care insurance, the exclusion period is way cheaper with occasional home health aides, than at full nursing home (or assisted living) rates. That’s all.
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MIL has been in AL since 2019. Laundry service has been included at all three facilities she has lived in, but she did her own for the first couple years. She hasn’t done it in a few years, and the laundry service has been problematic (losing clothing, giving her others’ clothing) … but laundry is one responsibility local sibling is not good with (she’ll actually buy new clothes if her own laundry piles up & she just doesn’t want to do it). It might not be great, but it’s better than SIL having to do it. Now the AL facility is refusing to launder much of MIL’s clothing because it’s, to put it less than delicately, poopy. H feels really bad for his sister, because it’s not like we can help with this. Getting old is not for the faint of heart, and it can be pretty rough on loved ones. It’s always something new and different that we didn’t anticipate.
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