You can buy a bidet attachment relatively inexpensively if she would accept that.
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That could make things even messier—check with OT & PT.
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Would she be willing to wear Always discreet underwear? My mother wears that all the time now. It contained a full poop accident when I visited her recently.
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I want to share a funny story related to laundry issue at a memory care facility. A dear friend’s mom was in one for over 7 years. My friend visited her every 3 weeks from out of state. For whatever reason, her mom’s clothing would disappear often and staff did not know the reason. She got so tired of buying new items at each visit, she used very thick permanent ink to write things inside bras and panties like “ Is this (mom’s name) boobs in here” or “Is this (mom’s name) bottom in here. She also used not polite words for body parts. Because my D had vascular dementia and her mom with early alzheimer’s, we phoned each other when we needed a release. We often cried from laughing so hard. Hugs to all who are caring for aging parents.
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She is almost 99 and doesn’t seem to know when she needs to go (or soon enough before). She wears disposable underwear, but she has chronic loose stool that can’t be addressed (it would require a change in diet that neither she nor local sib is willing to make). I feel bad for her … I think she’s abandoned all hope of dignity in her final years.
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Thank goodness Dad’s bookkeeper monitors his new debit card. She put a $500/month limit on it so the caregivers could buy some supplies. She just noticed that he spent yet another chunk of money, about $200, on supplements and not only that, started a subscription with the company!! She tried to tell him he can’t do that, because supplements could interact poorly with all the meds he takes, but he was very dismissive. She got the company to agree to refund 60% of the charge and cancel the subscription.
She’s going to lower the debit card limit to $150/month. Only one caregiver, as well as Lady Friend, will have access to the “real” credit card. It’s hidden in Dad’s apartment.
She finally heard back from the company he ordered over $1,200 in crap from a few months back. They agreed to refund the credit card charges. She certainly earns her pay!
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I am amazed the companies have agreed to give some of the money back, but that’s great news!
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My sandwich generation experience is having a hot flash and feeling like I’m going to pass out while blocking my stubborn mother (with a broken foot from her recent fall) from wandering and telling her that she must use her walker, but she’s mad at me for saying this and yells “I DON’T WANT IT”
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There are many women that don’t want to use a cane or a walker - between vanity and the obvious ‘sign’ of aging, it is emotional for them and they lash out. Maybe your mom is also losing some of her filters.
A gal in our OLLI group (Osher Lifelong Learning Institute) was an only child. Her mother would journal on an email file and print off but not send. Later when the daughter was helping her downsize out of her home, she came across it. The mother admitted that she didn’t send because she didn’t want to alienate her only child.
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My mom is ashamed of hers when we are out, so she always shares with everyone that the only reason she is using it is her bossy demanding daughter… Honestly, a wheelchair would be easier, or a transfer chair, but nobody is gonna survive her wrath if we suggest that.
She did start calling it her bicycle, in confusion, and that has stuck with everyone. Now she knows better, but thinks it is funny so we roll with it.
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What is the term for it when you end up caring for three generations?? It’s becoming obvious that in the near future I will likely be caring, to some extent or another, for my father, husband, and son. I’m trying not to hyperventilate…
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I guess I’ve been doing that but finished caring for my folks and they died. Before caring for my folks and sometimes at the same time of over a decade of caring for our chronically ill kids. My kids are mostly independent now but my husband needs increasing amounts of care and medical management these days—mostly help the kids when they visit. I’m grateful it’s not 24/7.
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Like my dad grabbing my arm and saying “Here. Let me help you across the street!”
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This may be common sense info for many… but tis a good checklist to review with parents.
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It’s called “you got dealt some bad cards all at once.” I am sorry, and it can feel overwhelming. All I can suggest is to take advantage of any help offered. And I try to remember the saying, “You are not required to light yourself on fire, just because someone else is cold”
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Thank you! My heart goes out to DH - he knows he’s forgetful and keeps trying to make it up to me by doing whatever he can to ease my burden - like he’s going grocery shopping later today. He keeps saying he hates disappointing me. 
It’s not that, it’s just that I’m worried about him. He’s always been the strong one.
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You are strong too. You just have to believe it. We see it here in all the hurdles you have crossed and handled.
Strong doesn’t mean you have to handle everything and everybody. Give what you can, take what you need including time and space for yourself.
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Yes, @MaineLonghorn and others who are caring for others. We are all strong and doing the best we can with our needy loved ones. Sometimes our assistance is recognized and appreciated more than other times. 
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Just jumping in to say I’m helping on a family death (long saga, not parents). Today I climbed under a bed and found a Will that we all thought had been lost during a horrendous bus ride home from the hospital (long story). HOORAY!
Just a friendly reminder to find your will (or write one)… and put it in a safe place. This is especially necessary if your wishes are not in line with the legal defaults for heirs. Ok, end of public service message.
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And if you get divorced, update your will and beneficiaries unless you want the ex to inherit everything.
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