Mom’s still hanging around but she’s near the end.
My daughter is flying in. I told her not to, her husband just had surgery and is having panic attacks. She has a big project at work. She saw my mom a couple of months ago. I was good.
My sister and my niece said she needed to come despite me being in tears about all that she has going on.
Daughter decided to come. My husband is on his way. My son was here on Sunday. My husband is quite irritated that my niece called my D and told her to come. At that time we thought mom would die shortly. Mom is rallying a bit, still near the end. Probably today, maybe tomorrow.
Today I am pretty emotional. The stages of grief.
My niece is picking D up at the airport, I had to tell her to pick D up and come to see grandma. Not drop her dog off after and not to get food. Which niece wanted to do. Sigh
The problem is the manipulation and going against what I expressly told them I wanted.
They did the same the Christmas D had just finished 30 rounds of chemo and my sisters family asked her to drive 6 hours. She was bald and had chemo brain
Just wanted to share something. It’s been almost 20 years since my dad died of cancer. Just last night, I teared up missing him. There have been so many moments where I’ve thought, “I wish Dad was alive, he’d love to see/know this”. He was always the one I called when I saw something cool and wanted to tell someone, or had a funny story.
My mother died during the first months of Covid and I didn’t feel safe traveling, so wasn’t with her. Her death is more recent and raw and I very much am still struggling with guilt and grief over her death.
Be prepared for lots of feelings, perhaps for a very long time.
I hope your D develops some protection against unreasonable demands put on her by her cousin. She really needs to because it’s very doubtful our niece/her cousin will improve. I’m so sorry she’s being guilted & bullied.
As they tell us on the airplane—put on your O2 mask 1st, before one can consider helping others.
My mom had a brain aneurysm many years ago and from that has both significant cognitive deficits along with worsening aphasia.
I can understand that her frustration stems from both these factors limiting her. And at the same time we balance not infantilizing her, while also needing to put up guardrails so that she doesn’t hurt herself, physically or otherwise.
As an example of her limitations, she used to capably handle all the bookkeeping for my parents for decades, and then my Dad took it all over after the aneurysm. In the last few years my Dad has been incrementally handing me greater financial oversight and asking for my assistance; I handle all their bill paying and household accounts at this point.
When I was with them last week and she heard him responding to me about a bill question, and later asking a question regarding their RMDs and the tax documents, she glared at both of us and said very crossly (regarding me): she shouldn’t know that!
And my Dad sighs and responds: [Wife], I’m asking [daughter] to do this, she’s been helping us a lot with this…
And she just repeats: SHE SHOULDN’T KNOW THIS
It’s the cognitive deficits, I do know that, but it’s still difficult being blamed for the help that I’m providing. Help that’s both required, and requested.
It’s very tough when what used to be parent’s role be one’s kid’s duty. No one desires it, but life is what it is and it’s best to make peace with things instead of fighting things that can’t be changed. I’m sorry it’s so hard to be able to help without your mom feeling wounded.
Condolences to you and your family. It’s never easy, even when it’s expected. I hope you can find comfort in your memories and with your daughter and husband. You are in my prayers.
