I feel that I’m WAY oversharing on this forum
I also feel that I can’t adequately express how I feel in my real life.
I also hope that no one I know ever finds this forum. 
Thanks so much for all the support and for this place to come to.
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I think this is a pretty safe place - it’s like all your best friends and informants in a one stop shop. 
I imagine that at one time or another nearly all of us have used CC to lean on during a hard time and CCers may know more than our closest IRL.
Honestly, how lucky are we to have this forum.
While your mom sounds like she hasn’t been great, this very quick downturn is very hard to process. It’s very new, it will take time. And all the details take up a lot of mental space. 
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You’re fine, honest. So many of us have been there, or ARE there. ANd there’s just so much you want to say and can’t IRL, that’s just good judgement.
Everyone processes grief differently, and at different speeds. When we give each other a bit of space and a bit of grace, it easier on us all. (And the grace should extend to ourselves)
It’s hard to lose people we love.
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@deb922 Vent and share here freely. G-d knows I have overshared here during my husband’s illness and death, as well as my trials and tribulations with my difficult mother. Our IRL friends are great most of the time, but I find sharing and getting feedback from those that don’t know me are better received. I think at times our home friends just say what they think I want to hear, or agree with me as it is easier.
You’ve got this!
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Overshare? What’s that? You’re fine, @deb922, really.
This. After all these years, CC seems more like family than family at times. Thank heaven for this soft landing place.
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Sometimes it’s much easier to be vulnerable and honest with people who we don’t know in real life.
I can say things here without worrying about protecting my family’s feelings.
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Interesting RE: changing your mom’s address. When my mom passed, as her executor I wanted all of her mail to come to my home. I went to her local PO to change her address. I brought a copy of the will appointing me executor, copy of her death certificate, etc., expecting red tape, and the clerk couldn’t care less—he had me fill out the change of address form and we were done, not looking at any of my paperwork.
ADDENDUM: This was only 3 years ago, early 2023
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I lucked out in 2020. Back then you could still do change of address online. So when we moved my mother to our house, I did address change. She died a week later, but I was all set for getting her mail as executor.
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I know. There’s a lot of backstory to the situation. At the time we thought mom was going to be around longer but in a nursing home. I wish I had known more and been more forcefull in my wishes.
That’s the other thing, things have changed recently as the government wants to reduce fraud. Whether or not that is a persuasive argument. It’s much harder than it used to be.
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Thanks for your input. I’ve sent off an email to the social worker asking if there will be another care meeting before he goes back home. If not, I’d really like an electronic packet of the recommendations etc. The rest of my response is rambling - feel free to skip.
My sister and I do feel fortunate I was able to arrange to call in for us to first care meeting a few weeks ago. I had flown in to stay with my father at hospital and then visit the first days at rehab, was able to catch the social worker in her office. Two years ago, after his broken hip, dad’s wife did not even tell Dad and sister about the care meeting…. and she had flown in, stayed/visited for 3 weeks (missed Christmas with her grandkids). The wife didn’t even want my sister on HIPPA form - geez.
This time I was quite excited that social worker said they could recommend aids etc. Last time methinks the wife rejected their recommendations and tried to arrange her own help. But really never found the right helpers. She is 82, very “controlling” Dad is 98, quite sharp but not as mobile as he’d like. He keeps saying, “we can’t agree on what we need for help”. I kept saying, “start with somebody who will give you showers”. And he was just starting that when they had the medical emergency (unresponsive, probably due to UTI) … so the wife does admit she needs shower helper after that traumatic scare.
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You need a death certificate to forward mail.
But you had it. I just turned in a card too at the PO and nobody blinked an eye—then I got notice two weeks afterwards that it wasn’t allowed until I showed up with DC and will.
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Life in a small town–after my dad died and my mom was considering moving, her mail carrier arrived at the front door with allthe forms to forward mail and handwritten directions ,which she came back and picked up later.
My mom has been sick with the flu, as are many of her cohort. She’s extremely disoriented and bless Local for going every day to check on her and praise the staff. The aides said Mom should recover slowly, and in the meantime they just keep showing her stuff in her room(she thinks she’s in the hospital) and telling her no, none of us are dead. Apparently sick elderly people do this.
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@deb922, I just saw your recent updates. I’m so sorry. You have done so much for your mom under difficult circumstances. Please take care of yourself as you walk this path.
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My SIL’s H wants to fire MIL’s caregiver (again). His reason is absolutely stupid - she requested that they don’t bring MIL more chocolate because she eats it instead of nutritious food & it seems to cause diarrhea (and there’s a ton of chocolate in the room as it is). He is large & in charge of his MIL, with my SIL ceding decisions to him most of the time.
SIL texted H to tell him what is going on, and we talked about a response. I am learning from the thread about parents who aren’t as close to their children as they’d like to be … I asked him if she asked for advice or feedback. She did not. Because we are not the ones in charge of her care, I suggested that he just ignore her text - she seems to just be unloading. If she follows up, he will say something like, “This seems like a difficult situation, and I’m sorry that I’m not in a position to help.”
FWIW, we think that the caregiver is excellent & agree we with her … but we are not the ones in the trenches. So I’ll unload here & we’ll keep our opinions to ourselves where SIL & her H are concerned.
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This is so hard!
I have no idea how you respond because mine was to step away.
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That’s what H is doing. He used to weigh in, but it doesn’t change anything & leads to arguments. He just wants the best for his mom, but she chose to be near his sister & to allow her/her H to make her decisions. It’s definitely hard.
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In brief, my mom’s confusion and panic (I know I am avoiding saying dementia ) seems to be getting worse. More episodes, harder to consol her, more serious issues. Trouble telling time is now trouble using a phone or her iPad and a belief that she is in “another” room when she is still in her own. Is it the pain? The meds for the pain? Age? No real way to know and what could we do anyway?
Her current facility is the only choice where she and Local live. But the personal care side really isn’t staffed for memory care issues, and the medical wing isn’t either. And I honestly don’t think anyplace can keep her from panicking over so many things but we are really starting to worry about where this is headed. Local went over twice bc she was so distraught and it was just mail she had misaddressed. Tonight we guessed she was trying to call us, I called her and she was crying so hard bc she was “in another room” and we wouldn’t know how to find her. I don’t know what, if anything, we can do but it makes me so sad for her.
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My mom’s situation was similar. She was evaluated at Mayo, and they said she didn’t have dementia. It sure mimicked dementia (so for the sake of discussion, I refer to it as dementia). She had loss of executive function, couldn’t figure out how to work the tv remote, couldn’t follow directions, trouble with time, sometimes thought she was somewhere she was not. I could sometimes talk her out of the latter by getting her to look around her and talk about what she saw, but it didn’t always work. She would get agitated. It was rough. Hugs to you as you travel this path. My mom died 16 years ago this past week, and it feels like yesterday.
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Is she on anti-anxiety meds? Some increase fall risk and you want to start her on a low dose regardless but it can be life-changing for an older adult, especially one experiencing confusion and mild cognitive impairment. Just work with a doc who is familiar with prescribing for older adults.
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