Think we are getting off track here -this is not a vaccine argue thread.
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Yes, but it needed to be said!
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For those who’ve moved parents to assisted living - especially a widowed parent (so alone) and especially if you were the local child/only child really doing caretaking - how did you help them adjust? How long did it take? Any tips? Parent is mostly cognitively intact, but old and easily overwhelmed, very mobility impaired, could potentially enjoy some but not most of the offered activities and generally makes friends fairly easily while also having a certain amount of learned helplessness and an ability to just stay in her room watching tv all day (which isn’t good for her). Parent has local friends but not at this facility and many aren’t able to drive anymore plus doesn’t yet have a phone in her room.
My MIL was fine in AL while her H was alive, but she began to retreat from social interaction after he died. She was in a facility where people knew & loved her, so they made sure she participated. She decided she needed to be by my SIL, and she moved to a place where she knew no one. Unfortunately, she refused to socialize at all & never left her room (except the rare occasion when she would eat lunch in the dining room). That wasn’t working, and SIL moved her to another facility where staff made sure she interacted with other residents. She eventually refused to leave her room, and staff stopped fighting her - we had to tell the staff that she had to leave her room whether she wanted to or not. She is wheeled to breakfast & remains in the tv/lounge area for an hour or two afterwards. She is returned to her room until lunch & wheeled back at lunch. If she isn’t too deeply asleep, the activities director makes sure she gets to whatever is going on mid-afternoon (like bingo). She doesn’t enjoy it, but she has to have the interaction with people.
My SIL visits MIL daily, so she sees what’s going on & can advocate for what MIL needs. TBH, she could do more (just stating a fact). She wants to be best buddies with the staff, so she doesn’t always get on their case when it’s needed.
There is one particular daughter whose mom is at the AL who has the perfect balance of understanding with staff but insistence on her mom getting the care that the D believes she needs. The D plans her visits at different times of day, so she really knows what is going on staff wise/care wise. It’s important to get to know the staff and let them know your expectations for your mom … then hold them to it.
We visit every couple months, and we make sure we go to activities with MIL. We don’t sit with her, though, because we want her to talk to other residents. We sit with her at lunch, helping her gently into conversation with other residents. It’s rough for her, though, because the dining room has high ceilings & it’s tough to hear even with hearing aids.
Sorry this is so long. TLDR: it’s probably going to be difficult to get your mom to happily leave her room to interact with others. It’s important that she does, though, so just try to help her acclimate & make sure that the staff is getting her out of her room. Hopefully, your mom will acclimate well and will find joy in her days.
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One suggestion: make sure your parents friends know about the move. After we ( actually my sister) sent out change of address cards my mom started getting calls, cards, notes which she loved.
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Thanks this is helpful. She has been told by the aides and me she has to go down for every meal (told her getting a tray isn’t an option though it probably is at least for a cost). She’s supposed to start PT this week. So far she’s refused all activities - I should look at the calendar and go over when something is happening she might like. I’m really hoping not to have to continue to go every day - I’d like to get up a point where 2-3 x a week tops is sufficient. I really should prioritize getting her a phone but it means dealing with the cable company so I’m dreading it (the AL supplies cable/internet but no landline and she can’t/wont use a cell phone).
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Yes once she has a phone this is a great idea. She does email so many do know but I’m not sure she really knows what her address etc is at this point - still too new.
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Many cell phone companies have devices to use internet to connect traditional looking phones. And there are traditional looking phones that are are bluetooth. You .don’t need to worry about getting a landline. Call a cell phone company of choice and ask what you need to make it happen.
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My mom was never good at transitioning. It always took her years of complaining to adjust to a new environment
I’m not sure that is very helpful.
The independent living in the community where she had lived for decades, she adjusted very easily although she complained that we forced her to move there. We didn’t fyi
The other IL near my sibling, that took time. But my mom was definitely a glass half empty and did not want to join into new activities that she didn’t want to do. It took a while but she did find friends and a life. It took a while and was not without a lot of angst.
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My mom is in her second year of AL after a year at home after my father’s death. It may be useful to think of this as sending a child to middle school. There are established boundaries to navigate, people you have to deal with but don’t like, friends you will make in unlikely places. Drama. Happiness. More Drama.
My mom does not participate in a whole lot , which is pretty consistent with her general personality. The things she does participate in happened because one of us went with her. I went with her to on-site church. Local went with her to a holiday party. Preferred has introduced his kids to her neighbors on her hall. This all happened really slowly. She was honestly scared to go eat by herself – didn’t know where to sit, didn’t know anyone’s name. So we went with her for maybe two weeks. It just takes a lot longer than you might want , but it will happen. Think in terms of months, not weeks. Send her LOTS of mail. With photos. Stick them around --it gives other people something to ask her about. Talk about her to the staff, so they “know” her better (I was constantly inserting details about her life into conversations – “hey mom, tell her about synchronized swimming in college”). Get answers to her questions if she is shy about asking. Mom was so focused on not being a bother, so she didn’t know where the shop was, where the library was, where the shower room was , how to get her laundry done. All easily answered once I asked.
Summed up – be her partner, go slow, and provide lots of coaching. And send so much mail…
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At my mom’s first IL, every new resident had a mentor. Mom knew her mentor from her community.
That person made sure mom went to dinner, was aware of the activities, introduced her to people. Showed mom around.
That community made sure someone looked out for you and made sure you felt part of their community. The second place was different in that I felt that they relied on the residents families to do that
I loved that place and so did mom. Makes me sad the circumstances when she left. She was so happy there.
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Oh I’ll check that out. That would be easier. Though I still need to deal with the cable company but it could wait.
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If the facility already has internet but you aren’t part of it yet then call the facility–not the cable company.
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I got mom on the internet at the facility. She has been able to send email. My D22 is home on break and I just set her the task of figuring out how to connect the cell phone to a regular looking phone. You’ll be happy to know she said “oh, that’s a really good idea” - I of course took complete credit for the idea.
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Yes I know you’re right but after 4 weeks of health issues, hospitalization and nursing home rehab, finding a place for her to go, making that move happen practically overnight including packing everything, finding movers, etc. I just want my life back. But now I’m just whining. I have been going every day and the staff is starting to know both of us. Everyone is super nice but it’s just hard.
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Your mother will expect you to do everything for her. Been there.
You are allowed to say that you need some time for you. Or your family like your daughter who’s home on break.
My mom would complain that she wasn’t getting enough attention. As my sibling explained, there was her in town and many of the residents had 6 or 7 siblings. In town.
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You are definitely not whining. It is so much to take care of, and the transition is the most difficult and chaotic part. Hopefully things will even out and you will at last have a little bit of a breather and space to think. @deb922 is correct – you will want to set limits about what constitutes a “come right now” situation and a “that can wait until the day I see you” kind of thing.
Unrelated, I am here with my own mom for a few days. She is often confused and in a lot of pain, so we asked for some pain meds and it really is transformative. Why she is so adamant about not taking any escapes me. Victory of the day were some punch card sewing projects I brought, hoping she’d enjoy doing them. DH joined in and we spent about an hour sewing Easter patterns with plastic needles and punched cardboard shapes. I haven’t seen her that absorbed in a long time, it was nice to see. Her memory is still extremely poor and her emotional regulation even worse, but it was a nice afternoon.
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It is hard. And you are not whining! You are getting support! 
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Happy to report that my father is home from rehab, doing well. He and wife have hired an aid for weekday mornings. They are having sticker shock, but the main issue is aid’s lack of initiative. He does a great shower (twice per week) and diapering. But none of the cooking, light housekeeping, or walking partner duties they’d been led to believe he’d do. I certainly understand their frustration when he is watching soccer on cellphone, sleeping in recliner. I am 2000 miles away, and typically his wife does not like me interfering (too bad - I may have been able to see the disconnect before homecoming and figure out that the aid works through the rehab center, not the local Healthquest agency they thought). So for now I just listen and hope the can sort through it. I do NOT want to go back to them with no aid, sis or I hopping on the plane when they get overwhelmed.
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I would encourage your dad and his wife to contact the rehab facility the aid works through and report he is not doing the job he was hired for.
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