My parents have been gone 5 and 2 years, and this thread was so helpful to me. I follow everyone’s story and tip toe in occasionally. My advice to everyone in the thick of it. Give yourself some grace - you are doing the best that you can with the information at hand. Raising your elderly parents is not for the faint of heart.
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First SO many hugs to you! It’s hard so give yourself grace.
So…if possible get your name on things too. Hopefully you have good relationship with siblings so it’s possible. Your mom isn’t in great shape either from your description over last couple months. The more you have in your control in case of either of their deaths the easier it will be legal-wise.
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Joining the bandwagon of CC pals stressed this week with parental matters. My sharp and witty father, who turns 99 next month, had been back home a few weeks after hospital/rehab stay for UTI/bp issues. (His main issue was that he unrealistically wanted PT to get him to no longer need his walker/rollator, which he’d actually been using for 2 years since fall / femur-hip injury. Luckily he has a much younger wife to help him, but he knew that schlepping around his equipment is a strain on her.) But on Monday he took another ambulance ride, at least this time not in a NY January blizzard.
His left side weakness had us all concerned about stroke. At this point seems like it probaby was TIA(?). My sister was able to get to NY the next day, which means he has company at night in the hospital. And yay - last night was calm, not like when I was in his room in January… dealing with his wild, crazy UTI nightmares. Sounds like he will head to rehab again in a few days.
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Sorry for another set back. I guess the “glass half full” side is that your dad has been able to remain “witty” and with his faculties even as he experiences physical challenges. So many times it’s the opposite and you have well-looking body with an incapacitating mental issues. 
Either way, it’s hard to be so far away with repeat issues.
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Yea, I’m told that when the nurse started to insert the IV he joked, “Now this isn’t going to make me sterile, is it?”. I was relieved to hear that he is still able to read NYT articles - Tues was Science Times, his favorite - and he was looking forward to today continuing the article he started about Colorado.
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My sister at age 25 married a man 41 - who was just shy of 3 years younger than our mother. Fast forward to the last few years, while BIL is on a decline in health, my sis has been staying uber active and working hard to keep her husband healthy enough to be home with her. Now he will be turning 89 in July if he makes it until then - his heart is not keeping up very well, so he has some fluid around his heart and a bit with the lungs. He ambulates in the house with a walker now (after having fallen at least once last year but w/o injury) - on a nice sunny day he might get a few steps on the driveway, but at least getting outside for some sun. He was having chest pain so in ER they gave him fluids/meds - and doctor put him on a 2nd diuretic which seems to be helping some. He is on the right medications, but it is a matter of time to when the meds won’t work for him anymore. Both sons/families were home for Easter (they live within a few hours’ drive), but who knows if he has weeks/month/maybe a year to live. They look to every day as a gift. My husband will be a pallbearer - he has things in order (one son is an attorney). One man identified as a pallbearer died a few weeks ago - one of his contemporaries.
I just saw a talk show where Jane Fonda was there, discussing work/projects - she turns 89 in Dec. Of course she looked great. I also saw Cher on similar talk show, and she is 79 - she is wanting to do a project on her life, but hasn’t found the person to play her (she plans to do the vocals).
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I married a guy 15 years older than me as well. He and his friends are starting to have multiple health issues, but I do as well. D is hoping we can all be healthy enough to enjoy our trip to Scandinavia with friends who are my age (late 60s). Fingers crossed!
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At least you married a man with better/more solid profession/earnings. My sister married a divorced minister (so he was at the bottom of pay and selection of assignments) - he had been a successful TV broadcaster prior to seminary - and sister accepted little information about his divorce (he didn’t even attend the divorce proceedings) - when years later he retired they had to make sure he didn’t have any financial ties with his retirement with his first wife. Once they were married, he did better with calls/assignments and his call committee church paperwork said nothing about a prior marriage.
My sister took great lengths to establish a career (librarian) while doing almost all the work at home. Her sons did the yardwork until grown. She puts 3 cooked meals on the table every day - but at least her husband did help with dishes, especially when he retired after their youngest went to college (they had a church parsonage). He grumbled a little that he had to work until 67, poor baby. They owned their first home at that time - in a small town with a great private university (which offers some benefits to residents) where my sister thought she could run one school library/one building - she had been involved with a lot of school consolidations/neglected library downsizing and consolidation. She was over the middle school library; the HS librarian was coasting for about 10 years and then retired - so neglected library; superintendent/school board wanted my sister to run both libraries with PT non-trained help. She did that until a gal getting her MLS degree was willing to take on the HS library part-time - and she proposed her hours be cut and be just responsible for MS library – since it was cost savings to school system they accepted (sister was at the top of the pay scale). Sister still put in more hours than paid to have the library run right, but I told her that was her community service – and now the students she helped are community employees that she sees often.
My sister’s husband treated our parents badly - his first wife left him to go back to her parents, and he always was territorial with sister. I can overlook the things better than my husband can when it comes to the behavior with my parents. My parents were a financial safety net for my sister - made sure she had a good running car (which my dad would buy), since it wasn’t in her husband’s budget. He agreed that my sister could finish her education, but would never have the money available, so my parents gifted my sister money to have tuition covered. My sister put her foot down on when they would have children, and two was it. Sister made sure her sons got through undergraduate w/o debt.
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We are diving in deep. My father-in-law is declining and there is a whole lot of denial still happening.
He has been falling and is finally using a walker. He first used it only at home and a walking stick when he went out. After his last fall last week the ER doctor drilled into his and mil that he needs to use the walker at all times. The latest wound is in a hard spot to care for. He’s got a referral to the local wound center but it’s a 45 minute drive. He stopped going with a previous wound as he couldn’t walk the distance down the hall to the center. This time they will request wheelchair assistance. His blood work has some concerns and he is anemic. They aren’t going to address those issues. His short term memory is not good and he doesn’t have much of an appetite.
He hasn’t been driving but today my mil said he wants to drive to get orange juice. Someone is going to have to speak up and tell him no driving.
What is crazy is that just 6 months ago he was camping and doing well.
Learning how to navigate the home health system is next. They have someone coming who will change the bandages.
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That’s the hardest part. Getting loved ones out of denial and stopping the things they shouldn’t be doing. There’s only so much you can do.
Hoping that he continues to use his walker and doesn’t drive.
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Being anemic is difficult, leads to feeling poorly. Hope that can improve.
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How old is he? With his short-term memory not good, and his physical decline, he does need to try to age in place the best he can, because he is one fall away from not being able to ever return home.
The statistics on the major trauma on older individuals falling are bad, including the co-morbidity health issues also kicking in.
Sometimes people have an outward appearance of perhaps doing well and may even look younger than their biological age. Six months ago, camping was a gift.
Wounds not healing, and if he doesn’t have those attended to will be very draining on his general health, as well as leading to worse.
Is his wife capable of driving safely?
Insisting on going out for orange juice is him trying to claim a shrinking world for him.
Years ago, my parked car was hit by a older lady that lost her depth vision - I was sitting in my car working on my shopping list. She went into the grocery store to buy stamps, and acted like nothing happened. I had followed her into the store after I called the police to see if they could come out due to the circumstances (ignoring the accident - I talked to the lady before she went in the store and she was in 100% denial). Fortunately, our local police had time to take the call - and he wrote it up. The woman was in total denial,with the police officer too, but the officer saw the evidence and wrote it up as such. The woman had State Farm insurance. When she drove off, police officer and I saw where she almost had another wreck due to her lack of depth perception. After I got the accident report, I called her agent (found out her agent from my State Farm agent) and told her that this woman does not need to be driving – the agent said the woman ‘fessed up to her. I imagine local family was taking care of her needs - and she wanted to hang onto her life that she saw shrinking. IDK if motor vehicles were requiring a vision test at that time for older individuals who had an accident. There is in some states for older individuals’ license renewal.
When I did admission assessments in skilled care, a lady was having some small, repeated wrecks, and she admitted to me that she lost the sensation on the bottoms of her right foot - so she had that difficulty! No judgement on stopping driving from it! I Included those comments in my admission nursing assessment - and day shift medical could inform her family.
Older individuals will lie to their family too. My MIL in her late 80’s, was sitting on her kitchen stool when DD1 and I went for a short walk with GD1 in the stroller. MIL had a medical alert necklace on. When we got home, she was lying on the floor - she knew we would be back and didn’t want to do the medical alert and make a bigger deal of things. The reason she fell was she saw a twist tie on the floor and she stooped over to pick it up. MIL was not injured, but it absolutely put the family on alert about the risks of her living alone. Later, we found out MIL concocted another story to tell other family members, but the truth was already out.
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The latest in our saga is that Dad is getting good care and responding to the antibiotics for the cellulitis. His medical team is still planning for surgery to remove the meningioma on 4/22.
My father has been sitting in the hospital room each day making phone calls to his cousin (attorney) about wanting to change his will. He has become obsessed with an idea that goes against everything he and my mother had always planned for and codified: That their home and assets would be equally distributed to my brother and me after their deaths. He is suddenly panicked at the thought of someone other than our family living in their home one day. The details of what he is now proposing are completely irrational (leaving their home to my two daughters, who are then supposed to live their together or rent it to my financially-strapped brother). Nothing in that plan makes any sense. My mother is beside herself. The home is their shared asset.
I have advised her that she needs to contact this lawyer and let him know that my father is impaired, but she is worried my father will find out and never forgive her. I really don’t want to have to go down the route of having him declared incompetent, but if he doesn’t improve after surgery (assuming he survives it), I’m not sure what else to do.
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Does everyone get along enough to just let him do what he wants and trust that y’all can work it out fairly and amicably?
Lots of good food for thought in this post. He is a month shy of 95. I think it’s hard for him to admit he can’t do all he could before. He has been incredibly blessed with good health and mental sharpness until now. One year ago he got pneumonia and was hospitalized for close to two weeks. He was deemed recovered with no lingering complications. In hindsight that was false. The time spent in bed and poor knee joints greatly affected his ability to walk and move around without assistance. Now with each fall he has been unable to recover. We are hoping he takes note of the numerous suggestions to always use the walker.
He did drive to get the juice. I’m hoping he doesn’t plan to drive today to his appointment. My MIL is younger and in good health and capable of driving.
It’s hard being the in-law. I can make small suggestions but it needs to come from his wife and kids. I think my MIL wants him to come to the decision on his own. She doesn’t want to take away his decision making. She also comes from a generation where the wife is more dependent on the spouse.
@DeeCee36 your post also resonates with me. My in-laws recently did some updating to their trust and it’s always a concern as things get worse that they have an idea that doesn’t make sense.
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Any chance mom’s name is on the house deed? If yes then maybe(?) that supersedes anything in dad’s will.
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@mom60 I can relate to so much in your post.
As the in law, I can only do so much. My mil should not be driving. She’s fiercely independent and will only take so much advice, which is little to none.
Although I see some signs of things cracking.
My mil had 2 bad bouts of covid and one fall injury. Each time she has not gone back to where she was before. The fall was this summer and then my fil declined and passed. She’s not the same and won’t be at this point. At almost 90.
My hope is that she sees that what she’s doing isn’t sustainable. She should move to independent living. Where she doesn’t have to worry about the house and meals. Will have more companionship. She needs to get there, hopefully she will.
But as the in-law, I have very little control. My husband is helpful, his brother is around but not helpful.
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@DeeCee36 since the attorney is a family member, can you call and see where your cousin stands. He may be stalling also.
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Probably, yes. We all get along, and I believe my brother would prefer the house be left to me and him to sell, too. I don’t see a scenario where he would want to live there (the upkeep alone would be a burden for him, never mind the sky-high NJ property taxes).
Yes, her name is on the deed, so maybe this is all a moot worry.
I do not know him, at all. I have to believe he is not going to rush to do anything, as talking to my dad for 3 minutes it becomes apparent he isn’t in his right mind. My mom is hoping that when the cousin calls back, she can intercept the call (dad is in hospital, mom is home) and just make sure the cousin knows that he is neurologically impaired.
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Stepping back in here to say that my dad is in the hospital with a brain bleed, which is apparently small, but that isn’t horribly comforting to me. My mom doesn’t want me to come “until we know more” and I’m concerned that if this goes south that I won’t get to say goodbye to my dad.
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