Arg, this is tough. I agree that for right now, the thing to do is let the lawyer know your mother’s concerns as well as her concern that your father not blame her. Maybe a simple “I am concerned about making such a huge switch” from her would slow things down.
I have every sympathy. My genial, loving, kind, devoted father became irrational, combative, and scary in his closing months. I really wish we had stepped in more forcefully to protect my mother from his behaviors (he wasn’t violent, but after 65 years she had no experience with this new cranky man). Declaring someone incompetent is hard and traumatizing in many cases and we didn’t do that either. But my advice from this side is to be less worried about him being mad, and more about her being scared.
Can you just ask him? “Dad, this seems out of nowhere and the girls don’t want the house. Can we stick to the excellent plan you already made?”
It seems that if father dies first, mother would be ok… but If mother dies first, then his statements in will become relevant (though I’m not a lawyer, just speculating).
If you want to go…go. There isn[t a downside here. Spend any quality time you can with your dad. There is no guarantee that “at the end” you’d be able to be there or if he’d be able to interact with you. Do it now.
Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and encouragement to “go” @momofboiler1@DeeCee36 , @gouf78 , @kelsmom , and everyone else! I drove down yesterday without getting confirmation from my mom, and I’m so glad I did. (And so is she, despite her early reticence. I’ve learned that mom gets overwhelmed if there are too many people in her space or asking questions.)
Dad got discharged home yesterday. He is definitely globally weaker and his endurance is poor, but the acute weakness in his leg has mostly resolved. I am so grateful; it could have been so much worse.
I’m the inlaw wife so really, I have no say (nor do I want one) in my MILs affairs. BUT…got an email today from the local daughter. The two daughters are cleaning out MILs packed away books…that have been in boxes being moved from attic t9 attic for at least ten years. They wondered if we wanted any (hard no…they likely are very musty). If not, they are donating them all to a local library (for what??). They gave all the religious books to the local church and claim the church was thrilled to get them. I hope they go through whatever they plan to donate and pitch anything that isn’t in good condition. Otherwise, they are making the library pay for disposal. But I’m saying…nothing.
Local daughter reports MIL is in hard core dementia, really can’t converse anymore, and generally is OK…except when she has outbursts. Luckily, there are 24/7 caregivers.
MIL will be 94 in August. The doctor says her heart is strong. I’m not sure that is good news.
And then another where a daughter came back to assist her mom, and now wants to go back to her home w/o guilt. Wow on the overstepping boundaries with her sister listing her house in another place to line things up for her husband and her to stay!
How would a sibling even list a home another sibling owned? That doesn’t make sense?
I know I struggled with my mom for her to stay in her community or not. My sibling was resolute that mom would be better off near her. So that’s what mom did.
I’m sure it will be something I will wonder about for a long time.
Hmmmm - she said that her H wanted her to help. Wonder if he is part of the “they” who listed her house? If so, this woman has a lot of issues to deal with.
This always reminds me of things like “mommy wars” i.e. working outside the home vs SAHM life. Some parents thrive in AL, some do not, some choose it, some have it chosen by circumstance or POA children. Some live in their own home until death, some can’t have that happen. There’s not a prize.
I just don’t think it’s constructive to spend too much time regretting the things that happen to families in eldercare because so freakin’ much is out of our control. In most cases, everyone is doing the best they can to do the best they can.
Just a general observation, not a criticism of posting the piece.
Agreed. Almost every choice involves giving something up. It’s so important to give ourselves grace, because we do our best under the circumstances given to us.
Some is driven by level of care the loved one needs. By the last weeks of mom’s life, she was so weak and deconditioned she needed a team of 3-4 people to assist her to toilet and change her. It was a major effort and required a lot of skill to minimize the pain and keep her clean to avoid infections and bed sores. We were fortunate skilled nursing did the best they could. It would not have worked for any of us to try caring for her in our homes.
S2/DiL are expecting a baby this summer, the first great-grand for my in laws. They were invited to the shower since they are only 45 minutes away and we will stay with them and can bring them with us. She does not drive, he gets confused but makes excuses.
Today my FIL sent me a long email detailing the many ways his back ablation has failed and he has to take pain killers to get up and more in the afternoon to be able to walk. (this is a fiction; he takes tylenol and then they go driving around to auctions buying furniture and tractors. ) So he wants to drive himself and MIL to the shower “so they can leave when appropriate and not keep [DH] from spending time with his family” . Same people who flew to S1’s wedding last summer, but wouldn’t participate in anything, stay with us, and stayed at the reception for 60 minutes then left to hang out at their hotel.
He’s 85, and driving down the 4 lane hwy on a Saturday afternoon is a poor idea but DH predicted this and we are just gonna smile and nod. Already sent him a reply of “thanks for letting us know”. FIL also wanted to tell me that BIL “most likely” isn’t coming, so I got to say “oh no, BIL already said they would be there”.
It always makes me angry to see how much this hurts DH; our children, however, expect nothing from these people. Can you imagine? Thinking your only grandchildren aren’t worth your time because you’d rather go shopping? DH has agreed to turn our phones off – I am not leaving the party to go rescue them from being lost somewhere. Grrrrrrrr.
Meanwhile, my mom’s face is purple and black and yellow from the fall, and the AL is trying to figure out an effective way to prevent another one but OY the paperwork to get a rail installed. At least she didn’t lose any teeth
I listened to a caller into Dave Ramsey - the woman’s in-laws do not have much with resources for retirement; FIL is in poor health - both in their early 80’s. They wanted to put some money into their son/DIL’s house to fix up the basement for them to live there. Big red flags and no up-side; all down-side. They wanted to come and work up some kind of ‘deal’ - their son will be calling them and saying it will not work out, and leave it at that. If they come to discuss, it will be harder to say ‘no’ to them. Ugh.
I just returned from my six-day trip to Austin. When I first saw Dad, he smiled and gave me a hug. There wasn’t much animation after that. The second time I walked into his apartment, he was on his phone and I asked him what he was up to. Buying stuff! Some kind of site where you make money answering questions but you have to pay $170 to get started. Sigh. I tried to be gentle. I said, “Dad, your bookkeeper will be here shortly. Why don’t we ask her what she thinks?” By the time she arrived, he couldn’t bring up the page again.
His Lady Friend (LF) told me later that when she came, a little later, he was really angry. So I imagine that’s why he was cool to me the rest of the trip.
I spent two hours with the financial advisor, trying to get an account changed from Mom’s name to the family trust. Even the FA was flustered, it was all so arduous. I THINK we’re almost there. The FA needed Mom’s death certificate, and fortunately I had an extra one that my husband brought with him when he came the next day.
Dad was very quiet. He didn’t even say anything when his two granddaughters played a beautiful violin/piano concert for us. And one time when I walked in, he was awake but the TV WAS OFF. I know it’s hard to believe, but that is literally the only time in my life I have seen my dad in a room with no TV blaring (when there were no guests, I should add).
He made it to my friend’s wedding. From the front, I saw that when everybody stood for the bride’s entrance, he struggled to stand up using his walker but couldn’t do it, even with assistance. And he never said anything about how nice I looked (I even thought I did, ha) or what he thought of the ceremony. So I came home yesterday kind of sad.
Aging is frustrating—for the person aging AND the loved ones. I’m sorry for all those who are traveling this journey. Know that we are all here with and for you!
I’m feeling a bit of dejavu. I was helping my folks with their medical appointments and now I’m helping H with his. Up until about 15 months ago, he was able to handle all his own medical stuff but since then, he’s been happy having me “help.” I set up the appointments, drive us there, take notes, ask questions and remember what was discussed. He’s had a LOT of medical things over the past 15 months—some cataract surgeries, cyst removal, radiation for cancer, and LOTS of appointments and specialists. It’s definitely better with two of us there than just him because his short term memory has gotten very unreliable. So far it’s working ok, but sometimes it’s a bit much for both of us. He’s had one or more medical appointments and/or tests every weekday since we got back, Friday through this Friday! Oh well, it’s working pretty well and for that we are grateful!
So I imagine that’s why he was cool to me the rest of the trip.