Oh, thanks. In all other respects, it was a good trip. My sister and her husband came to Austin for the wedding, as did my husband and daughter. D hung out with my friend and me the day of the wedding, running errands, helping out, and even playing the piano for us. And it was good to spend a little time with the caregivers - such nice women! I also had lunch with LF. I’m liking her more now. She is so alert - she asks questions about Dad’s meds and treatment. She also organized a birthday party for Dad and my daughter - Dad turns 89 soon and D just turned 28. She took me out to lunch, too. I know she’s a little sad that Dad has retreated somewhat. It’s nice having her in the room, because it’s hard to converse with Dad, but she likes to chat.
Gentle hugs to you. As hard as it is to be on this journey with parents, I can imagine it is significantly more difficult when it is a spouse. Hope you get a break in the nonstop medical appointments soon.
You have done all you can to be helpful to your Dad. Nice that you were able to enjoy a nice wedding trip.
I wasn’t sure where to put this.
My husband and I went to his mother’s today to help her with some things.
She was very tired, she has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that she’s very worried about. It’s about her limited mobility. I don’t think there will be much to say. She says she doesn’t want to go to PT, I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to do surgery on a 90 year old. But she’s a wreck and I’m not sure the point.
She was tired and cranky. We tried to help her clean the garage in a small way. She wants to go through everything, see if there is any reason for the things to be repurposed. My husband yelled at her, mom you do not need string for a trimmer that you are never going to use. It was $2! I don’t see how there will be any progress cleaning out anything. When she’s no longer in this house, we will throw a bunch in the trash. And not go over 25 year old paperwork.
She’s also getting so cheap! Complaining about the cost of batteries. Instead of letting my husband change all the light bulbs in the bathroom, he had to test them all.
She’s also been watching her other son’s dog that she shares but he’s on vacation. I think she’s worn out about that also.
Being 90 is tiring. Not much can be done but there’s only so much you can get them to do!
It was a DAY!
Nothing more frustrating than stubborn elderly people who want to hang on to everything for later. Commend yourselves for even attempting to help or go thru the motions of organizing. (My MIL has, at last count, 87 flower pots. In their yard. Most of them empty.)
The dog seems like a tripping hazard, as well as too much work but I know some elderly people like the company.
For folks who have arranged medical alert / pendant emergency systems…. do they need daily charging (like hearing aids, cellphones)? Or longer term batteries? Really wanting my father to get one when he goes back home, but he and wife are already overwhelmed by keeping current devices charged.
My dad’s had a long term battery.
Were you able to get him to wear it? I’ve been reading about parents who were too stubborn to do so. (My mother did wear hers. It was a simple system that interacted with her landline, no subscription.)
Yes! My dad was religious about wearing his alert. It was waterproof so he never took it off. He also installed a keypad lockbox on his door that first responders had a code for a key. It had to be used twice.
I think I have posted before, but after days of research, I order a device for my mother; I also had shown it to her prior to ordering it. When it came, she said it was too big and ugly and she would not wear it. It was not big, nor ugly; I even got it in rose gold. The unit her building provides, not that one is larger and black!
After a good bit of back and forth, I finally return it within the 30 day period. I decided not to continue fighting mom on this, and she understood that if she fell, she would not be able to get up on her own. Her life, her choice.
That’s a great proactive measure. Our local senior center / meals on wheels organization has a program where they have the fire dept come over for lockbock setup (with unlock code filed with 911). I tried to get an elderly church friend to enroll, but she resisted - sigh. I tried to get Dad and his wife to use a lockbox, even left one at their house that I had when I thought visiting nurse would come to my mother’s apartment. As far as I know, they have not used it. In fact, they sometimes make the keypad garage door useless by locking interior door… sigh.
Sometimes I think preparing for the inevitable seems to be admitting defeat.
My mil talks about getting an alert system. But then never gets around to it. She talks about moving to independent living but it’s talk.
To even address that there might be some things she could do to make things easier, it never moves anywhere but the discussion phase.
My mom was so proactive. My mil seems to be so stubborn to even admit that she might need any help.
My DD1 and SIL observed that his parents were doing so much talking about certain things, and it made them feel like they were ‘doing things’. They know what they need to do; DD1/SIL have done a lot to have them be able to move forward to make the move to AL near their DS1.
We will see them in May, IF they make the flight to come. Not sure if some health issue will ‘happen’ and have them not come. We have purchased our airline tickets and made rental car reservations.
This is my dad, too. It continually causes problems but he never learns. 
The update here is that dad is home from the hospital, the cellulitis is clearing up well. Surgery is scheduled for 4/29. He’s doing ok, still confused and irrational at times, but maybe calmer overall.
My mom is completely worn out. 4/29 cannot come soon enough for her - if for no other reason than she will get a break for a few days while he’s in the hospital.
My husband has always paid the credit card bill but my father in law always reviewed it. He now isn’t interested so my husband has been going through the bills. Trying to figure out what the apple charges are for and seeing some expensive subscriptions. He also went on the phone and went over what subscriptions he has on the phone. He found a Sirius charge for a car they no longer own. The in-laws recently sold their boat and my husband is canceling all the services associated with that.
The walker use has increased but when no one is watching he will use the walking stick. Last week he snuck down to his office on another part of their property when my MIL went out. He drove down in the car without the walker.
Just another accident waiting to happen.
@deb922, we are dealing with my MIL who also can’t admit that she is declining. We have not seen her since February, but when her S brought her back from FL and has been taking her to various appointments, she’s had very expensive dental procedures because she has stopped brushing her teeth. Her pills come in blister packs for each day (morning and evening) but in her apartment, he finds untaken blister packs. But, somehow, no one can say, “Look you think you are independent but things are really slipping.” As ShawWife said, at her mother’s funeral, we are going to play “I did it my way.”
Is your MIL being seen enough daily or periodically during the week to see that she is getting proper nutrition? My mom’s dementia had it where she was hungry but couldn’t put her thoughts together to make a sandwich - but if you put it in front of her, she readily ate. My mother could act wonderfully for a long time, but in hindsight we could see where she was ‘faking it’. Some of uncovering her ‘faking it’ was with her weight loss even with fully loaded refrigerator with easy meals.
Not brushing her teeth is something that it seems she is ‘forgetting’ to do. The untaken blister packs of medicine. In her residence/apartment at least she has neighbors - and if it is assisted living, a bit more of others looking out for her (or noticing if she is not out and about).
IMHO if there can be an offer of two safe options for her to have her feel she is maintaining her decision making and keep her pride….
As soon as mom declined enough to where action needed to be taken, my brother (whose home was one house away) arranged a live in housekeeper/cook, so mom had what she wanted (living in her home) - and she cooperated to do so. My brother got her a small dog which was at her side and also provided a lot of joy - they were in a quiet neighborhood, and he would go to the window and bark when the mailman was making his rounds.
When my brother reported to me a number of months later about further decline I recommended the local hospice evaluation, which was going to hospital ER and getting the 3 MDs to sign off. Mom died with hospice just after hospital eval for hospice (she was admitted and given IV antibiotics for suspected gall bladder infection) - hospital admit Monday, discharge Thursday to hospice service and hospital bed at home with my local brother and nearby sister at bedside - and she died the following Monday.
My mom had about a 3-year decline, and about 1 1/2 years with the more noticeable - not being able to easily fake things anymore. An example, I had chemo and wore a wig with Christmas trip to hometown (we live 750 miles away) - mom knew something was different but she could not put the chain of thoughts together. I said ‘all is good’ and was able to get it dismissed - why rob her of peace when there is nothing she could do about my aggressive cancer? (This was Christmas 2009, so I had a miraculous turnaround on the cancer and I am here while mom died 11-1-2010).
@SOSConcern, she has one child nearby but he is actually the dean of a professional school and pretty busy. A couple of his kids are local, but have never shown an inclination to be helpful. While he’s taking her to appointments, he can’t drop by every day. He’s investigated services where someone will come by. It is a four hour minimum. I wonder if this person could cook dinner, ensure she takes her pills (at least the evening ones) and makes sure she brushes her teeth. She will fight this tooth and nail (so to speak). She hates people around, especially if they are not doing anything. She won’t admit she isn’t doing everything herself. But, maybe we can get there and find 4 hours of things for the person to do.
Or the person could work as long as the tasks take, and the rest of their time can be a gift from you and sibling.
When my dad and stepmom had aides, dad resisted for the usual reasons. But he grew to enjoy the company. I imagine you could interview the aide candidates and select one who would be simpatico with mom.
She fell out of bed again last night. This time she was able to get off the floor and reported to the night staff, who asked her did she want to go to the ER and she said no she was fine. Local is headed over to check on that. Preferred will talk to the admin tomorrow when he is there. He’s a congenial guy but is really good at confrontations about lack of due diligence and the possibility of moving her to someplace that has a higher standard of care.