That is hard, she keeps falling out of bed.
I hope your brothers were able to assess things and your mom is feeling ok
The skilled nursing didn’t want mom to have a railing because of the risk of her arm getting trapped in the rail but we insisted. They said they had a sensor attached to her clothing but we said that would be too late —it would detect as she fell.
We could never get mom to press a button for assistance. She never wanted to bother anyone.
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Except that it is more of a scare when she did fall.
My mil, her mom died when she was 10. Her father remarried to a woman who didn’t want 4 step daughters. I am sure this is what contributes to her extreme independence.
It’s hard. You want them to have their independence but you want them to be safe. It’s a difficult situation
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Perhaps you don’t have to find a home health aide (who requires a 4 hour shift)…but just a reliable person who could come for 2 hours a day. Maybe one of the not inclined to be helpful grandkids would be more helpful at the prospect of getting paid… 
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Oh dear - that sounds tough.
@greenbutton Wait WHAT? a sensor attached to her clothes?? What about the pad alarm on the bed and/or chair that goes off when they get up? My mom’s place used those because she got too demented to push any button. My mom did fall and break her arm and laid on the bathroom floor who knows how long. She was wearing the alert button and there was a string to pull by the toilet. AFTER that she had alarm pads on the bed. They wouldn’t do rails because that is restraint. But alarm pads are very very common.
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No alarm pads, just an alarm attached to clothing and skilled nursing staff wasn’t very quick at responding when alarms went off. They had malfunctioning alarms going off regularly so they were somewhat blase about responding.
My dad’s bookkeeper called today. Dad has burned through the money from the sale of his house, so he’ll need more money from his retirement account each month. Wow, he spends a lot every month on the facility and 24/7 caregivers!! I’m thankful he can do it, but it’s sobering to know I won’t be able to afford that level of care.
I called his financial advisor’s office and the secretary asked me WHICH account the funds should come out of. I told her I have no idea. So the advisor will call me tomorrow.
Lady Friend wanted to change management companies at Dad’s condo on the coast. Sister was not happy, because breaking the contract would mean all of the booked rentals would be canceled. Sister prevailed. I don’t think LF understood the consequences. Dad is just confused. 
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Please excuse me if this specific issue was already discussed. Does mom have one of those beds that can be lowered almost down to the floor? I recall my dad’s rehab facility had those beds where it can be raised high or very low. She may still fall out of bed, but she’ll just be about 6 inches off the floor. I thought I recall that some residents also had thick pads near the bed to cushion the fall. Please note that this was during the early covid years.
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Her bed is fairly low to the floor, yes. Local thinks she is “sitting on the edge” and then falling to the floor because the mattress is not always aligned (this is a twin size hospital bed). We’ve ordered mattress stays in hopes of solving that part. The big fall was more of a rolling out in her sleep. She isn’t very strong, so a really low bed is a problem because she can’t stand up that low, and we are pretty sure she won’t use her walker to get up. Even though PT has taught her that skill many times, she simply cannot remember anything long enough.
Preferred spoke with admin and they don’t like the idea of rails, and he “Wasn’t going to be pushy.” It occurred to me today just how differently men approach medical things – they have no idea of what it is like to advocate, because they generally don’t need to. Someone suggested a pad on the floor, but that’s a tripping hazard. Right now, my SIL is bringing small bolsters and they’ll put those under the fitted sheet and see if that helps. I roll my eyes, but I know the rules for the far away child and am staying in my lane. I spoke with Mom yesterday and she does seem fine, chipper and in good spirits.
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Falls can happen even in the best of situations. DH AND a caregiver were standing on each side of MIL when poof…she fell. Both were right there and both were paying attention. But down MIL went.
No rails on MILs bed because she gets up and wanders around and goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Luckily there are overnight caregivers now who are right there. At least if she falls, she won’t be on the floor very long.
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I understand, I am sorry for her condition. It’s all very hard.
Learning how to get back up from the floor is a very hard concept for elders even if they some strength. My dad was an avid exerciser for most of his life - tennis, golf, daily calisthenics. However, once his vascular dementia advanced, he could not mentally understand how to go from sitting on the floor (after falling) to moving his body to table top position so he can use sturdy furniture or walker to aid him up to stand or even sit back in a chair. Once my mom and I were both on the floor with him, showed each movement. He could not follow for a long time and I was so close to calling for paramedics. (He was at home). He finally did it and we all chuckled a bit but it was heartbreaking.
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My friend had to buy and learn how to use a hoyer lift to assist in getting her dad up when he fell. The fire department said they’d have to call elderly protective services if they were called again (after several calls for them to assist). He was a very tall man and the caregivers were mostly rather petite.
My friend had to teach caregivers how to use hoyer lift but honestly most were too afraid to use it. They did find a place for him to live where he could get good care (living outside of his home). By the time he passed he blind and pretty immobile. He was in his 90s and his dear wife died before him (also in her 90s, both during covid).
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This is so concerning. Not sure whether this would be appropriate for her or allowable, but I have seen mattresses with slightly raised sides used to discourage unsafe exits from beds. If she is apt to sit on the side of the bed, it may not be best for her, depending upon the height of sides.
All the best with this. It is difficult and once again, reading this thread leaves me with so much respect for what folks active here are navigating. The gap between the ideal and the real can be wide in elder care.
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We were told that bedrails can be dangerous for people with dementia because they will try climbing over them and get more badly hurt, but falls were a constant problem for my mom. The bed alarms work but only if someone actually comes right away.
I read an article about robot caregivers in Japan and this could actually be something they could help with in terms of reminders to stay in bed until help arrives.
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Yes from other comments, people with dementia will perhaps try and climb over the bedrail. We had a few badly demented individuals in our skilled care setting (nursing home) - we had a lounging kind of medical chair that they were positioned in a reclining manner, so it was difficult for them to lean forward enough to spill out of the chair - and we would have that individual close to the nursing station and other areas where staff could keep an eye on them when they got restless. These individuals needed total staff assistance with eating their meals. When in bed, the bed on the lowest setting and the bed pads next to the bed. Typically, with the medication schedule and the meds the individual was on, they were kept safe.
The alarm devices - if they are in a shared room, the other resident could be very annoyed with the alarm going off at all hours. If you had multiple residents with alarm devices, it also was difficult for staff to respond to all especially when any individual resident was not on the right medication regiment to be able to be safely managed w/o a sitter.
I imagine robots and other devices will assist more as the technology gets developed and it is cost-effective.
There are thick floor pads that can be laid next to the hospital bed (and the hospital bed on the closest setting to the floor) - this helps for any bed rollouts. The lady that was in the reclining chair until bedtime had the thick floor pads during her bedtime hours, and at that time we were able to use the bedrails - she didn’t bang her arms or body, but it was extra reassurance if she had any way to get over the bedrail (due to her history, it was an extra measure that could be documented for her).
In our area, the fire department medics come to assist for a person on the floor that family cannot pick up - and they allow a certain number of calls. My husband’s mother was on the floor in her home (different state than ours), and DH could not pick her up but the medic could (and this medic had done it before for my MIL). He didn’t call 911 but called the local responder number about the situation. We have various non-emergency numbers to find out what to do/who will come.
In our state, bed rails’ use was an on again, off again issue - and depending on the circumstances and perhaps if used in rehab (so the resident can pull themselves up in the bed), and also if the bed has the ‘half rail’ (not full-length bedrail).
Yes, some residents would bang their arm on the bedrail, so we would ‘pad’ the bedrail or put the pillow next to the bedrail (you have a folded sheet with a portion under the resident, have the pillow in place, and have this sheet draped and tucked over the pillow so the bedrail is not readily accessed by the swinging arm.
Crazy about caregivers ‘afraid’ to use a Hoyer lift - if they had any experience in skilled care or rehab, there was a Hoyer lift available there. Also, the agency they worked for should have been able to have them trained or willing to learn and use it for patient care.
My DD is responsible for maintenance, replacement, and safe patient handling of equipment which includes the Hoyer lifts used in her VA facilities. She makes decisions on maintenance contracts, lease/purchase/replacement - and sometimes the decisions are based on their financial cycles even if it is more cost effective to do things a bit differently.
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Good thing you and your sister can tag-team on the various issues. It seems LF doesn’t understand enough about things, but it also seems like she is hanging in with being a companion to your dad - a plus even with some of the annoyances. Glad the advisor will call you and help navigate about which account and how things are looking with his accounts - you can also mention your concerns about the rate your dad is going through money and see what the advisor says – advisor will have experiences to relate. IDK what your dad’s longevity prognosis is - it seems like he has been surprisingly on one banana peel for a while. Is having 24/7 caregivers necessary? It seems they don’t prevent him from ridiculous purchases, and what are his specific needs for 24/7 sitters/caregivers? Is the LF around when he is making these purchases?
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Wow, my sister and her husband, R, are going through a mess with his family. My sister’s FIL, P, is in his early 90s. My BIL has a sister, K, with obvious mental health issues (but never diagnosed). She worked in the health field for years but claims she can’t work anymore. She refuses to apply for disability benefits.
P “gave” his kids the family cabin out in Wisconsin but there are all sorts of stipulations about what they can/cannot do, so basically they’re stuck with it. K hasn’t worked in several years so R and Sis have been paying for repairs and taxes. Now it’s falling apart and they can’t sell it unless K agrees, and she refuses.
P is in a nursing home. He let K stay in his house with the understanding she would take care of it. R put most of P’s money into an account for K to use FOR HOUSE EXPENSES. I’m not sure why R didn’t keep better track of everything, but it turns out K has been using the money for her own expenses.
R pulled out the remaining $5,000 and put it in a different account she cannot access. K went BALLISTIC. She has convinced P that the money is HERS and R took it from her. She also claims that R did P’s taxes incorrectly (he didn’t) and has also committed Medicaid fraud. She got nastier and nastier. R finally said, fine, I’ll put the money back in the account K can access. He naively assumed that would satisfy her, but nope. R and Sis are in her crosshairs. She’s like a cornered animal now, because she knows her resources are running out and she has no way to survive. She wants to drag down R and Sis with her.
She was texting R and Sis constantly, saying she will report him - she wrote Sis, “Your husband could go to prison.: And I really think she will. A few years ago, another relative tried to help her and when he asked her to get help as a condition of living for free in one of his houses, she put HIM in her crosshairs. She even called the police on him twice, not good for a guy’s reputation when he lives in a small town in the midwest. She can present as very “normal,” so I’m sure a lot of people have fallen for her nonsense.
I told Sis they need to get an elder care attorney, and make sure they have a timeline and documentation to show what they’ve been doing the past few years.
It makes my blood boil because R and Sis really like the area they moved to and should be enjoying life. R is just frantic. I told them that K is really committing elder abuse, the way she has worked up P.
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YIkes. I sure hope they are documenting every action, every text, every phone call. Get a notebook and just use it as a log.
DILs mother did this kind of stuff (including trying to sue her 23 yr old daughter for non support) , and the notebook really helps keep a record but is also excellent for preserving sanity – there’s no reasoning with people who gaslight and victims like your sister and her husband can start to think it’s not so bad, they must be doing something wrong, etc.
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This behavior is all too common. I am sorry that your relatives are going through this. I second the documentation recommendation. I started out with a one-pager, but filled in the gaps with texts and e-mails, with dates and social media screenshots. It becomes really valuable if an attorney gets involved, in my experience.
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