Adding a note from a comment on the NY Times article: “**Nathaniel Chin, MD’s book, coming out in June, “When Memory Fades,” it’s a compassionate and comprehensive guide to navigating cognitive decline. Dr. CHINs father, also an MD was diagnosed with younger onset AD at 61.
Dr Chin is also the host of the dementia matters podcast and co-medical director of University of Wisconsin Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center”**
“A few small changes to their home and habits will make it much more likely that they can remain at home, even if they lose physical mobility.”
Key is to adapt to decline, modify behaviors along the way. My BIL and SIL are a train wreck waiting to happen. They now are having the difficult conversations about their home and their care needs. They bought a split-level home with a basement and their garage at the basement level; they can live on the main level for most activities but BIL has TV/recliner in downstairs rec room and his computer in downstairs office and was reluctant to have anything moved to the main level (ugh). They already have groceries delivered. BIL ignored the effects that diabetes had with his eyes starting at age 45, and he is now 70 with limited vision also with Macular Degeneration (IDK if that i related to his diabetes). He kept gaining weight and just having to have his insulin adjusted up - it first was controlled with oral medication. His wife has always been overweight/obese, and she might still be smoking but BIL did quit some years ago. She has had at least one heart stent, and she is delaying her 2nd knee replacement because of cardiac issues and what rehab will take for her. Years ago, MDs talked with him about bariatric surgery, but he was so upset that he couldn’t even tell me what procedure was recommended or discussed. SIL takes a lot of supplements her MD has her take in addition to other medications. I think it is going to be very hard to part with the size of their home if they go to IL/assisted living; the market is such that I don’t think they will find a replacement home in their area to suit them as one story - new with little maintenance. SIL keeps a neat home, so putting it on the market will not be a problem. Their son can help them move.
When BIL was with DH, he leaned back his 350-pound body on a pop-up camper chair and fell backwards - he still is in physical therapy trying to regain some head-turning movements after he had a major cervical spine surgery. A few days ago, holding his handrail, he didn’t step right on the last step on his stairs going down (probably in part due to his poor vision and his head-turning limitations), sort of turned and fell backward needing 11 stitches in his head. SIL believes he knocked his head on the door frame, and not the head hitting the floor causing the bleeding.
SIL now needs to help him shower (which she may have been needing to do already).
I am just back from 3 days with my inlaws, so I may be too fried to be contributing – but: these articles just tire me out. I want an article about my father/father in law are completely opposed to having any conversations at all, and I need help coming to a place of peace with the impending disaster. I want an article that answers “I asked what they meant to do if their health gets worse” and the answer was a joke, and then “we have plenty of time to figure that out, I have an 8 yr plan to clean up the house for sale”. FIL is 85. The house has mice in it. I pulled 62 broken flower pots out of a single corner of the yard. They live in a multistory 2200 sq ft house.
What do we do when an 80 yr old takes out a 30 yr mortgage on a house 1600 miles away and refuses to put anybody else on the deed, (“that gives you the right to decide stuff without me”) ? FIL asked angrily “So you have all this stuff for yourselves planned” and DH said “We absolutely do, and the kids have copies” and FIL got up and walked away.
This was the first time I had to treat my MIL like my mom, it was sad. I found MIL in the kitchen, tidying up. Except, she was moving Box A and B to the counter, then “finding” it on the counter and moving it to the table. Then she’d “find” it on the table, and move it back. I finally said “You know, it’s been a long day, you really should come watch the game with Son/ FIL” and I had to herd her away. For lunch, she had a bowl of hard boiled eggs and the two of them each ate one. My FIL started eating his frozen waffles with his hands.
So there won’t be any conversations with these two.
So DH’s father is not ‘impaired’ but his mom is - yet they stubbornly want to continue to live as they do? His father seems to be driving that whole situation with his mother going along (as she may have done their entire marriage).
I guess DH and you are waiting for one of them to be hospitalized for some catastrophe, and then you respond as you are able - given the craziness with how they are choosing to live.
During your 3 days, were you able to get the mice out/exterminated? Clearly DH’s mom is overwhelmed.
You have been dealing with a lot - I looked back a bit on your posts on this thread.
If FIL becomes incapacitated, perhaps your DH can get some of the paperwork taken care of with his mom - like getting DH’s name on the deed on the house 1600 miles away with the 30-year mortgage. A listing of their assets, bills, passwords, etc. At some point it seems a mess will get dumped into your DH’s lap. If they have wills. I remember when FIL bought that property against any input about it not being a good move.
Looking at the comments from this article, @greenbutton has company. Here is one daughter’s story (she lives in GA):
”**Indeed. Our conversations occurred over the space of years. When the time came, however, the planning went completely sideways. Both parents were in their 90s. Both insisted on continuing to drive. Both insisted on moving to a very rural setting without accessible healthcare. They lived on the family farm where roads are impassable during heavy rains, and caregivers were scarce and poorly qualified.
My dad was an attorney, determined to hold the reins. The fact that my husband, my daughter and I are also lawyers gave him no comfort. Neither parent was, at that time, a candidate for a conservatorship.
My parent’s elder care doctor advised me that “they had to be allowed to fail.” That happened in the middle of COVID. It was a train wreck. My dad ultimately died at 96 in a rural assisted living facility with one night time attendant. My mom, currently 101, is still alive, fading daily in an Alabama nursing home. I am, myself, 79, and can barely drive the five hours from home to where my mom ended up.
We did our best, but it did not work out well for anyone.”
We hate to see our loved ones going down a road towards disaster/failure, but sometimes one cannot intervene ‘in time’. Sometimes perhaps an opportunity will present itself to make something work out before a trainwreck.
I’m so sad and sorry for all going through these challenging times. There don’t seem to be any great answers, especially when elders “dig in their heels” and are in deep denial. Even my H says “we will just quietly age at home and then die in bed one night.” That’s his plan, but at least we have access to pretty good medical care and can hire help as needed and desired. We also live where there are good ride-sharing options when we become unable to drive. He did just buy a new car and wants me to consider buying another new one (mine is a 2018 and I figure I’ll take over his brand new one at some point). All my siblings live within a few miles of us and all are still traveling and quite active at this time. They are all 60s-70s. H is in his mid-80s.
At least our house is all one level and “smaller” at 1250 square feet. We raised our 2 kids in it and it’s comfortable for us and we could accommodate a caregiver or two as appropriate.
Excellent point. The people reading these articles are going to be the “kids.” The people who need to read them are the parents. My sister’s FIL should really sell his house since he’s in a facility, but he refuses since “I’ll be getting back there soon.” And if the house ends up going to my sister’s husband and his crazy sister, it will be a horrible situation.
In my parents’ defense…neither of them were involved in really supporting their own parents through old age (3 out of 4 died by 70, and my one grandmother who lived until 85 was healthy and independent and capable up until the last 2 months of her life), and I think they just could not really fathom the likelihood that they were going to live long enough to need extended support. I have to believe that living through this experience with my own parents will make me prepare a little better for my own kids’ sakes.
I don’t know guys. We have some pretty independent, loving life and financially secure people here on CC. Or one or more of the above. Maybe our parents wouldn’t have guessed they’d be making some of the decisions they are choosing to make now. But when you love life or your home or your independence or whatever and see that being threatened or taken away, you clutch onto any piece of the life you love to continue it.
I think everyone has an idea of what their plans can be for them.
Mine are since I’m 100’s of miles away from my children. I know how great my mom’s independent living place was and how many friends she made that I will be looking for a place myself when the time comes.
I won’t stay in this house. I don’t particularly like the community and I don’t particularly want to be hours away without a direct connection to me.
But everyone gets to make their own decisions. And if you have another situation then your choices should be based on what you want.
Every time I read this thread, I keep wondering how things will go for DH and me. Of course we all hope to be relatively active and independent thru our 90s when we will just die in our sleep peacefully one night, with no drama and no upheaval of decisions or crises, but that is a pretty rare occurance.
I would hope that I will be amenable to whatever my kids think is best for me AND I do not want to be a burden to them. When I think of how my parents medical crises affected my daily life for about 7 years, I would be mortified if I did that to my kids.
And here is the kicker: the upheaval was NOT because my parents refused to plan or insisted on staying in an unsafe environment. They were remarkably compliant with whatever I said had to happen. But due to an accident (not their fault), everything got turned upside down. I had to oversee moving them to increasing care levels. None of this was anticipated. So we can all plan, but you can’t plan for every situation.
I think what is so frustrating for me is that my parents’ current situation is not a case of best laid plans gone awry. It is the result of refusing to consider that life might go any way other than they hoped it would, in spite of mounting evidence it wouldn’t. Four years ago, when my mother had her knee replaced and had a disastrous recovery at home (2 story home with the shower upstairs) should have been the wake-up call, but it wasn’t. When they opted to renovate the downstairs bathroom the next year and would not consider my suggestion to have a shower stall added at that time, it kind of crossed over from wishful thinking to just deliberate refusal to face reality. So when my dad fell and broke his hip the following year…you guessed it, recovery at home was impossible and he spent several extra weeks in rehab (miserable) while he healed enough to manage the stairs at home. The few modifications that they have made (grab bar in the shower, double banister on the staircase) have all been done after the fact (and honestly, against my father’s wishes).
My parents’ “plan” is to live out the rest of their life in their home, with in-home help, if needed. But given that they have repeatedly refused to address the lack of full bathroom on the first floor, they are just one fall away from someone possibly never being able to live there again. And then it will be quickly figuring out where they’re going.
I just read over what I wrote and I guess I sound a little angry…truly just exasperated and frustrated. There is so much about aging that is out of their control, but preparing their home properly so they can age in place (as is their wish) is 100% in their control.
My sister’s FIL should really sell his house since he’s in a facility, but he refuses since “I’ll be getting back there soon.” And if the house ends up going to my sister’s husband and his crazy sister, it will be a horrible situation.