Confused. What’s the problem? MIL doesn’t want help? She needs to take care of this herself?
If it’s because she is refusing ready help–I’d take the time to go visit and make these things happen for her. Be there but require the chores to be done by the third party so she is familiar with the process and can trust it.
Is it possible that she fell and broke something? My FIL had three broken vertebrae from a fall no one knew had happened (he chose not to share it) … he was in pain and finally ended up in the ER because it was so bad. Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be done for him other than pain meds, but at least it provided an explanation.
And I understand your position in all of this.
I really wish I’d pushed harder for my mom to get help in the house. I was respecting her autonomy and just didn’t have the bandwidth to push it. I think if she’d gotten help a year ago she’d still be at home and not in assisted living where she is really unhappy (instead of the middling unhappy she was at home). Even just a few hours a week would have meant she was hydrated, fed and maybe washed (even the aides at assisted living can’t get her to change her clothes or shower without threats so maybe not the latter!) and might not have fallen, precipitating hospital/nursing home stay and subsequent mental confusion/cognitive decline. I get you’re an in-law and she’s got kids but if I knew then what I know now I would have insisted on someone at least a few hours a few days a week.
So agree. There’s a huge fine line between staying at home and moving to a facility.
Took care of my dad for a few years at his home but a major factor in the time line was neighbors who would check in, make grocery runs, run errands, and provide good company. Made so much of a difference in his life (and ours!) and I’m eternally grateful to all of them.
She could have fallen and not told anyone. That would explain a lot. She could have a fracture and not fallen. You would hope that her doctors would look for a fracture since she’s in a lot of pain.
As far as her accepting to hire help and how I feel, she knows. My H asked her to at least get a scooter to walk the dog. She doesn’t need it.
You can only do so much and talk about things but if it falls on deaf ears, then that’s what it does.
I’m only the daughter in law. This isn’t my fight.
Her neighbors are very helpful in looking in. I worry that it’s too much but I guess that’s not my fight either. The cleaning person needs money and wants to help out. Why pay someone when you can get others to do it for free but sometimes I think that’s only my opinion
I get it. My aunt “didn’t want to bother us” when she landed in the hospital for three weeks and FINALLY someone informed us. She fell getting out of a chair. Don’t even start. I’m still upset.
My husband was there yesterday. He watered her plants and did some chores. He walked the dog. Spent a couple of hours which is about what she is up for.
We are 2 hours away so it’s not something he can do all the time. Local checks in and calls. Lives very close but does no chores.
Yeah I get it. My mom fell and waited until I found her on my usual check in. No idea how long she was down there but hours. Maybe overnight. Didn’t call because she didn’t want to bother me. So instead I dealt with two emergency room visits of 24-36 hours each, 3 weeks in rehab and getting her moved into assisted living basically overnight. But yeah, would have been too much trouble to get a call when she fell.
I really wish I’d pushed harder for my mom to get help in the house.
Currently sis and I are wanting to do that with Dad’s stubborn wife. She works hard being caregiver, and we’ve got Dad convinced he should spend some of his savings (they keep money separate) to hire help. Alas… wife insists they only need a shower helper (which is a good thing, just hard to find)… and that’s not enough. We are plane rides away, very frustrating.
No. It isn’t your fight. Like I always say “you do the best you can with the information you have at any particular point in time.” That’s it.
And people no matter how much you want to control their actions for their own benefit deserve their own autonomy. As parents we have some control over our own kids but you really don’t get that luxury with your own parents (or other elderly relatives). At some point you need to just respect their decision. But you are not responsible for the consequences of those decisions.
I think it’s normal to have regrets, and second guess ourselves, but it is equally important to recognize that there are limits to what we can compel other adults to do, and limits to the time we have to convince them. For every child who wishes they had pushed harder and “won”, there is a child who pushed harder and “lost” – created a rift, made a situation even worse, didn’t get imagined results — it’s just really, really hard and I remind myself of that every day. Our choices are usually Choice We Don’t Like #1 vs. Choice We Don’t Like #2.
We do the best we can. That’s all any child, or parent, can do. Even when we do our best, with the best of hope and intentions, it doesn’t always work out. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make us bad offspring, or bad parents. Just human. Eldercare is hard. Everybody give yourself some grace.
I just wanted to update the bad news on my mom — she has transitioned to palliative care. The doctors didn’t see her getting any better with her cough, secretions and pneumonia and she was really suffering. It took family about a week to realize she was effectively terminal and agree with the transition. Her attitude remained positive and hopeful up until the day they ceased treatment and moved her to palliative so I feel like she fought the good fight for several weeks, and didn’t just give up and ask for death like she did the first couple of weeks after the surgery. I am resigned to it / as at peace as one can be given how awful this all is. They think she will go quick since the morphine / Ativan combo they plan to give her plus cough suppressant suppress her breathing which she is struggling with.
Meningiomas are not supposed to be terminal diagnosis like some other brain tumors. They are considered “benign” but I think that is a huge mischaracterization. I wish we had understood how serious and deadly any brain tumor removal can be in an elderly patient, no matter how good a shape / healthy they seem. In retrospect I think she did know this and must have been told because of many things she said and did before the surgery but she didn’t really share that with us.
And because this all came on us so suddenly, passwords and bank accounts are a mess. Lots of things will need to be handled. This is not a fun stage in life.
I’m so very sorry! 
This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
So sorry. I hope you are able to unspool her accounts as well. It’s always a shock and your feels very sudden
When we get our house in shape to move to where our older daughter and family live, we have to think very carefully about DH’s workshop and activities and how much he still will want to do/be excited to do in his 70’s. I am ready for simplification - will already have the ‘loss’ of our long life in our current home/surroundings. The plus will be the family connections and activities with the grandkids.
MIL stopped being capable of safely driving in her late 80’s (she would hit the garage entrance putting the car in the garage) and accepted that fact. She had meals-on-wheels and someone to take her grocery shopping. That all worked until close to her death.
I am so sorry.
I so agree with this. My parents were prepared for my father to either stroke out and die on the operating table, or be back home and mostly on the mend within a few days. There was zero discussion from the neurosurgeon about potential and ,from what I have since learned, common complications. In our case, it would not have changed the decision to have the surgery, as it was desperately needed. But, we might not all have been so shell-shocked by the aftermath if we’d had an inkling.
Sending wishes for a peaceful passing for you mother, and hope that all of the administrative life stuff gets sorted without too much trouble.
I disagree with Abby’s advice - to me it is much easier to fly round-trip with the dad and not stay. Help him with all the airline stuff and teach him; go to the rental car place and see him through this, and then take the return flight. Much easier IMHO and not worrying about the car travel (and being vulnerable to dangers along the way). Also, once he has done an airline trip like this, he might do some travel in the future with others.
Dear Abby: My 82-year-old father insists on driving 2,000 miles alone to visit family - al.com
I am so sorry!
And this seems harsh under the circumstances but if you are not already on bank accounts do what you can to get on them. Same with safety deposit box.
I’ve never been a fan of “Dear Abby.” The advice is short and overly simplified. I like Carolyn Hax much better. I read her column every day.