Thank you. The first few weeks it was shock and surprise that the healthiest of the 80-year-olds was the one who was so ill so quickly. But in the end we had about two weeks where it was clear she was terminal, suffering immensely, horribly and no path back to full health and then six days where she was unconscious in the dying process but at least not in pain. So, all who wanted got a chance to say goodbye and goodbye on their terms. After my mom went into hospice, the children of her close family member reached out to say how sorry they were about it and happy for us we got a chance to say goodbye. Their father was likewise in very good health, traveled a lot, and as far as they knew was just on another little trip to visit family / friends … and he never came back. So, as awful as it was to go from very healthy, active, happy mom to (terminal) illness and death in seven weeks, the alternative that his children went through was no better. There is no good way to lose a parent.
Amen to that. I suspect our generation will be more open to taking difficult steps in older age, after helping old parents/relatives. And lol - in our group here we’ve read about many more stories that reinforce the need to move before it gets too hard to do so.
@MamaLilKat, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, as well as the loss of your family member. That’s a lot, especially in such a short timeframe.
@calgal, we went through this recently. My MIL was 98 at the time, and while she doesn’t have dementia, she can get confused. My SIL - the local sibling - was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, and she had more than a year of chemotherapy and radiation. At first, SIL didn’t want to tell MIL, but … MIL sensed that something was wrong. Once a mom, always a mom. It was tough, because MIL had times where she was confused about SIL’s condition. Even now, months after treatment ended & SIL was told that the cancer is gone (and MIL was also informed of that fact), MIL still wonders from time to time if SIL is dead. It makes it tough on SIL sometimes, but she believes that it was best to tell her mom.
WHat does your sister want to do? Not telling will mean they never get a chance to say whatever is important to them, in that context of both knowing.
DH has cancer, with a good prognosis. We chose not to tell my mom bc she gets worried about us , anyway, over small and strange things and then has nightmares, etc. so we were prettysure she’d not take it well. She hasn’t noticed his absence yet. We’ve had family in this situation and eachhave chosen their own path. I would trust your instincts and also think about what you can live with later.
I agree with this take.
@MamaLilKat I am glad you came back to update, I have been thinking about your situation and hoping for some closure for you. I’m sorry for your loss.
@greenbutton I wonder if there is anyway to arrange a daily call while an aide is with your mom?
@MommaLilKat I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to have to go through and you had 2 at a time! Not fair.
@calgal I agree with letting your sister be the judge. That said, “protecting” someone (your mom) by denying a bit of time of grief seems also not good. If she is more out of it, maybe the skipping telling is a good choice. I (and this is ME, MY bias) feels like you diminish your mom by hiding such a thing.
Each family and situation is a bit different. My mom was in assisted living when her brother died. She was pretty forgetful, but still sort of with it (compared to where she ended up!) Her brother would very rarely come see her, but she would get the aids to help her call him on occasion. So we told her. She remembered off and on for a month or so and then it faded. She worried about her dad instead. (who had been dead 40 years at that point).
We, as a family, are usually in the protect the old people camp. Never shared with either sets of parents when my husband had cancer. They were old with enough issues of their own. That being said, I think if the person is cognizant enough to understand it, they should be told about the death of a loved one.
I know two people who unexpectedly were diagnosed with stage IV cancer in their late 50’s/early 60’s. One live less than 3 months after diagnosis, and one lived 10 months. And then, the surviving widow and widower developed a friendship, fell in love, and married. Intense. The male deceased was an only child, and his parents are angry that his widow got re-married - there are two adult grandchildren, so there is that. The widower has three adult children. The newlyweds sold each of their homes and bought one together. Their children accept the new stepparent. Life goes on.
It is a blessing IMHO all around when one has knowledge of impending death because of goodbyes and preparations for surviving family members.
Death is a certainty for all of us.
Families, aging, life, other’s decisions, death can all be difficult.
Yes, my mom knew one of H’s elderly aunts. Mom would sometimes ask about her. The aunt died and when mom next asked about her in conversation, we’d casually say that she had died. Since mom wasn’t very close to her, it did not seem to upset her.
She would also sometimes say we need o be sure dad got his shot when we and she got our shots (covid, flu, etc) and we’d say that he’s protected just fine in heaven and no more need for shots and she’d nod and agree.
I’m appreciative of all everyone has shared. It’s all helpful as we navigate the next few years with the in-laws.
Father-in-law now has shingles. My husband is going to see him today and check on how they are doing. This is additional to all the other ongoing problems he is having. MIL is often in denial and other siblings aren’t that helpful. One asked if it would be important to find out if the rash was generated from heat stroke. We don’t know if she is saying she questions whether the Dr made a correct diagnosis or not. No offer to explore her theory.
I also have an older sibling who is not married and no children. Lots of health problems and I’m the only sibling nearby. It’s all exhausting.
We thought my husband was having muscle pain, so we put Icy Hot on his back. Then he got a rash at the same location and because he has sensitive skin, we thought it was an allergic reaction. Nope, shingles! Not fun. 
(and he was diagnosed the same day that our nine-week old baby was admitted to the hospital with RSV)
I could google it, but I wanted to see if anyone here had any suggestions. My dad’s advocate pointed out that Dad doesn’t really need the services his independent living facility provides since he has caregivers so many hours each dad. She said she thought he could get a VERY nice place for a lot less money. But there would have to be meals provided. Do such places exist?
Shingles and heat rash can be mistaken for one another but I’d hope a doctor could make the distinction. But hoping he’s wrong! Only piping in so you don’t cross off sibling as a crackpot.
Some quick thoughts. 1) Some caregivers will do meal prep, or so I’ve heard - no personal examples to share. 2) In many locations, meals on wheels will deliver lunch and dinner on weekdays. Cost is based on income, but highest level is reasonable ($30/week per person?)
Is he in a CCRC community? If so, while he may not need independent living now, he might if his situation worsens and if he’s in a nice place and it’s affordable, it may be worth staying put, especially if he has friends/community there.
If it’s just an independent living community, he could just move to an apartment with his caregivers and get a meal delivery service or meals on wheels.
Nobody shoot me here. And quite willing to go into a hole.
This is one reason people choose to stay in their homes if at all possible.
My aunt was in an independent living facility which was great for 20+ years. It was great for her having meals, social activities etc. But once she really needed actual medical care it didn’t really exist. What she signed up for originally morphed hugely over the years. The assisted living requirements --move on your own, self-care etc. really made it difficult. Move to a MUCH smaller space. At a different facility. The difference was a one bedroom great apartment to a tiny hospital room size space. And the help still wasn’t really there. If they’d accept you. You’d be in a SNF which wasn’t part of the package.
We ended up going 24/7 care paid by us for private caregivers. It wasn’t cheap. It wasn’t easy. But turned out to be the best option.
Yes, my mom had caregivers make her simple breakfasts. She had 24/7 caregivers who would escort her to lunch/dinner and make sure she showered and took her pills and help keep her from falling. She lived in independent living. She was pretty content there, as it was where dad had chosen for them to live and they knew a lot of people in the building and it was near enough that all us kids visited nearly every day (at least one kid/day).
There are definite advantages of living in an independent unit which has differing levels of care. After mom was hospitalized and needed to be discharged to skilled nursing, it wasn’t as tough figuring out where to go, she went back to the same building but a different part of it. They gave her priority in being accepted and even though she was SUPPOSED to have a room mate, she never got one so essentially had a private room, which was very handy since she often had so many of us kids visiting.
Yes, she could have lived in an apartment or condo, but everyone was happy with her living where she lived and the food in the cafeteria/fine dining was good to great.
If your parent has 24/7 caregivers, wouldn’t they make meals? The ones for my MIL do this…including the shopping for the ingredients. It has worked out very well.
@MaineLonghorn I thought your dad was looking at a smaller unit which also would be less costly. Is moving him now to a completely different place a good idea?
Well, his meals are included with his unit so the caregivers don’t have to cook for him. Yes, he’s moving to a smaller unit, so we wouldn’t consider this for awhile, but I’m just thinking ahead.
Moving elders can be very disorienting to them. If they are safe, happy and settled where they are, I would be VERY reluctant to relocate them.