We’re about to have an elder fest! I am grateful, even though with demanding and quirky elders, I always know that patience will be required. But we won’t have very many more, if any, times when all three of our parents are in our house/our town together. My dad is staying with us for four days, but probably won’t actually see my in-laws. However, it will be logistically complicated, because my FIL goes home to his house from rehab on Friday, the day after my father gets in to town. It will probably be really stressful for my husband, because his parents are in general emotionally rejecting everything that’s happening (the level of disability of my FIL, his likely prognosis, the need for ongoing home care, etc.). But at least he can balance the stress of that by leaving and being with my father, who can be trying. 
Totally joking here. I’m just going to try to be as calm and supportive as possible to everybody. I know we all know that mode–easier envisioned than perfectly accomplished! Hope everyone is well and has good elder encounters today.
Wow! Fair skies and following seas for you.
I agree, unless there’s a real financial bind right now.
lol the questioning sibling stopped by and looked at the rash and said nope not heat stroke rash. Lol she is not a Dr.
My friend considered moving her mom out of a facility that had great amenities as her mom wasn’t using any of them. When she moved her mom out from another state she searched and found what she thought was a great place. They had lectures and museum trips and trips to the theatre. Her mom never left her room and they hired full time aides and had all her meals delivered. They figured they could rent a really nice home and save a ton of money. Unfortunately her mom declined and the next move was to a memory care facility.
My in laws will stay in their home and hire help. If he goes first I think my MIL would consider a retirement community as she would want the socialization.
My parents lived in a place that had many amenities that they didn’t use. It was OK, they could afford it and it was convenient for all of us to visit. Most importantly, it was where THEY chose. The food was good to great, depending. They had an arrangement with a service where you could hire 24/7 companions, which we did use and they provided some level of peace of mind to us so we didn’t have to be with mom 24/7 after dad died.
There is no PERFECT and it’s common that as folks age, they may use fewer of the “bells & whistles” of the fancier/nicer places. It’s still tough on them to move and have to get used to a new place, new routines, etc.
All the posts about siblings taking care of parents together has me thinking about my sis and me. We were with my aunt together at the same times and our impressions of how she was taken care of can be totally different. From the level of care to the food some of our memories just don’t match and yet we saw the exact same things. I’m sure the truth is somewhere inbetween.
Oh, I agree, but it would not be good if Dad ran out of money. He may have to economize. The planner is running different scenarios right now.
My sister told his current financial advisor that Dad is switching to a different company. She explained what the new planner has done, and the guy said, “I could do that!” So Sis asked when Advisor had last asked the bookkeeper about Dad’s specific financial income and expenses, and he said, “Oh, I’m not allowed to talk to his bookkeeper…” Ha! The new planner sent over forms for Dad to sign that allowed her to speak to the bookkeeper, accountant, and attorney! It’s not that hard. Sis did ask, “So when did you last ask Dad to ask bookkeeper about income and expenses?” and he didn’t have an answer. So glad we’re getting rid of the guy. He’s the kind of person it’s VERY hard to have a conversation with because he won’t let you get a word in edgewise, even when you have something important to tell him.
You definitely need to work with someone you (and Sis) and anyone else that is crucial can speak candidly with c
Here’s a dilemma, I’m sure many of you have dealt with this.
My mom (with moderate dementia) is still living at home by herself. Seems to be doing fine, as I come over once or twice a week to make sure she’s okay and has food, and take her to all her appointments. She seems quite happy and safe. Nothing she can set on fire, and the battery on the car is dead, so no driving. She’s lived in this house for 66 years and is comfortable there.
Last night, she asked me if I’d visited my dad lately (who has been dead for 4 1/2 years). When I explained gently to her that Dad was elderly and died many years ago, she was shocked and didn’t believe me. She said she thought he was being taken care of somewhere. I changed the subject, and she forgot about it.
My concern is, what do I say the next time? Do I keep explaining that he passed away, or do I say he’s fine, and change the subject? It goes against my DNA to lie, but how awful to keep learning that your husband of 60 years died, and you forgot.
The kindest thing you can do is to say he’s fine but very busy. No need to stir up her feelings of loss over and over again. IMHO.
Wow, that’s tough. I hen my mom would casually mention we should be sure dad is included, for example when getting shots at pharmacy, we’d smile and say he’s fine in heaven and she’d smile and agree. (He died at beginning of covid, from old age.). It didn’t upset her to be reminded he’s in heaven. We think she’s just include dad out of habit because I’d always be sure I, H, her and dad were with us to get our shots together.
Since your mom is shocked I’d probably gently change the subject after reassuring that he’s just very busy.
I’m so sorry! That is so hard!!!
We went through this with my grandmother with my grandfather passed. She kept forgetting that he was gone. In the begging we told her that he has passed and with God (she was a devout catholic so that brought her comfort). Eventually though we told her that she would see him soon and he was waiting for her. That seemed to appease her and she moved on without being upset.
I’d not tell her he’s dead, but not lie to her either. You could just say “I haven’t seen him lately but I’m sure he’s in a good place. Did you like your supper?”
If she gets really agitated about it and says things like “why won’t he come see me?” or “I want you to take me to him” then you might have to remind her gently or depending on her demeanor you might get away with saying “you’ll see him later on”.
With dementia patients it really helps to find a way to agree with them and settle them. Don’t confront them with the cold hard facts if you can avoid it. Let them be happy.
That sounds like a good idea. I hate the idea of lying to her, but I can divert and diffuse. Or confuse.
My mom does this sometimes (my dad died 3 yrs ago next week). Sometimes I say tell me more, or sorry, what was that you asked? In the process of talking, she usually remembers he has died. If she doesn’t, changing the subject works but otherwise I will say No Momma, Daddy died so I can’t go see him. IN our case, she has a recurring nonsensical fixation on us lying to her (like, she isn’t really in the hospital, or my siblings are dead, or we didn’t sell the house ..) so any actual lie would feed that.
I am in the minority in that we never lie to her, even when we know it will distress her. I think she’s entitled to have emotional reactions and we can’t snowplow everything bad away. We do occasionally lie by omission if something is too complicated to explain to her (her processing and memory are poor).
I have learned to not say “remember…” because no, she doesn’t, and the verbal prompt we are all so accustomed to only reminds her that she has forgotten something again. So instead of “remember, you fell and broke your wrist?” it’s “You fell, and your wrist broke”.
It’s a complicated dance with elders with dementia, for sure. One wants to be respectful and not cause pain but it can be frustrating to find the right words to be reassuring without lying. Redirecting and changing the subject is sometimes helpful, sometimes not. Good luck for all treading on this path.
scroll to “Explaining past bereavements to a person with dementia”
I think this is a gift link
+1 to this advice.
The husband of a friend of mine developed dementia and had to be placed in a memory care facility. About a year or 2 prior to that, their eldest daughter passed away. Friend’s husband had totally forgotten that their daughter was no longer alive. He kept asking when was the daughter going to come visit. For awhile, they told him the truth every time he asked. And every time, it was really upsetting + he’d be really angry, had totally forgotten that there was a funeral, started accusing them of keeping info from him, etc.
So then, instead, Friend & her other daughter would tell the husband, “Oh, she’s busy. I think she’ll come visit next week.” A few minutes later, he would completely forget. Eventually, he just assumed that the reason that the deceased daughter wasn’t there with them to visit because she was busy, at work or whatever, and that the deceased daughter was going to visit “later.” And he wasn’t upset about it. It wasn’t traumatic, and everything worked out ok.
Down the road prior to his passing away, my friend said that in the couple of weeks before he died, when she went to visit him, her husband would tell her that their deceased daughter had been to visit him earlier that day or the day before. Or he’d say that the daughter had stopped by to tuck him into bed the night before. It was really comforting to him, so Friend & their other daughter would just say something like “Oh, that’s great! I’m glad you had such a nice visit with her.”